Title: So Far From Normal

Author: Seether79

Characters: Jack/Ianto, Team

Rating: R overall

Spoilers: General spoilers for both seasons

Summary: Ianto isn't sure of what he wants anymore

Beta: lj user"the9thdoctor" at lj user"plotbunniesinc"

Author's Notes: Set after adrift

Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood (There would be a lot more boy action if I did)

Chapter 2: Into the void

Ianto Jones was not a complicated man; well, not really. Sure, he may have once had a cyberwoman hidden in the basement of his place of employment but that didn't mean anything. He only wanted from life what most people wanted, family, friendship, security and love. But as time moved on he wondered if he would ever get the simple things he wanted. He thought he had found the love part with Lisa, things with her had been wonderful before her death at the hands of the cybermen; they had been the perfect couple, but as with most things in this world perfect hadn't lasted long. Things were different now, and Ianto found himself wondering if he would ever have normal or if normal was even an obtainable thing when one worked for an establishment such as Torchwood.

He wasn't as bad off as some people were; look at Owen. The poor guy was dead, although still walking around, but he couldn't eat, sleep, drink, or shag; nothing. That was it for Owen. His life was done and although he could still talk and walk, he really had nothing to aspire to. No hopes of meeting the person he was meant to be with, falling in love, getting married and having kids. It just wasn't in the cards for him and when Ianto remembered this he felt selfish for feeling so down about his own circumstances. After all, at least he could still breathe and for a Torchwood employee that was a remarkable thing.

"Shit!" Ianto heard the sound of Owen's yell. There were sounds of whispering, scuffling and a loud bang and then moments later Gwen and Owen appeared with worried wide-eyed looks across their faces.

"Is everything okay?" Tosh asked them, her and Ianto sitting in front of her computer doing a routine inspection of all files and the database. It was Tosh's area of expertise but Ianto always offered to help.

"Fine." Owen said quickly and Gwen looked at him with an annoyed expression before nudging him in the shoulder hard. "Well, not fine, but it really isn't a big deal."

"What isn't?" Ianto asked, trying to sound interested in the conversation when in truth all he wanted to do was go up into the tourist office and be alone for a while; escape that madness that was the Hub.

"Well, I was in the mood for a coffee," Gwen started. "And asked Owen to do it because you were busy. Owen said no and then I said he was the only other person here that knows how to do it... Anyway we argued for a while and then he offered to show me how to do it, basically so he wouldn't have to ever again."

"And everything was going fine until..." Owen started but really didn't want to finish.

"Until," Ianto prompted them to continue.

"The handle of the steamer broke off; I was adjusting it and must have pulled to hard." Owen said quietly before quickly adding, "I'm dead Ianto, remember that, if you hurt me there is no way to fix myself. I'm sorry I broke the bloody coffee machine but it's just a machine so don't get all prissy on me."

"Its fine, Owen, I'll fix it in the afternoon." Ianto told him with a small fake smile.

"It's fine, really." Gwen said with a confused look on her face. Ianto could tell she had expected there to be some kind of confrontation over the news of the broken machine.

"Right." Owen said quietly and Ianto saw a look on Owen's face that might have been concern but it was gone to quickly to be sure. "Well, okay, I am really sorry."

"Was that all?" Ianto asked them.

"Yep." Gwen said as she smiled. "Might go grab some coffee from the cafe just up the road. Would you two like one?"

"Sounds good." Tosh mumbled she was staring at her computer screen intensely.

"I'm fine, thank-you Gwen." Ianto replied.

Ianto was surprised later on that day when Owen came up to the tourist center with a look of determination across his face. Ianto looked at him, waiting for the dead Doctor to say what he wanted and then leave him alone again. Owen stood there for a few minutes just staring at him and the gaze was starting to make him uncomfortable. "Can I help you, Owen?"

"What wrong?" Owen asked him.

"Nothing." Ianto told him in reply as he shut the magazine he had been staring out.

"Don't give me that rubbish, your acting all weird." Owen said still staring as if waiting for some invisible barrier to come down around Ianto and he would be able to see what was going on.

"I'm acting no different than normal." Ianto told him calmly.

"You didn't care about the machine." Owen said as if it was absurd to think that one would remain calm over a kitchen appliance being broken.

"It's already fixed. There was nothing to worry about." Ianto told him with a small smile, trying to ease the other mans mind.

"That thing is your pride and joy; you death glare anyone the goes within a meter of it and you're telling me you weren't bothered that I manhandled it... That's just not you."

"You make me sound anal." Ianto said, sounding a little put out by Owen's words.

"You are anal, but there's nothing wrong with that. You seem off lately; your were late today and there's a crease in your jacket." Owen pointed out. Ianto couldn't help but roll his eyes in response.

"So there was a crease in my jacket, I must have missed a spot." Ianto said. "I wouldn't be the first person to do that."

"It's the first time you've ever done it." Owen pointed out.

"Owen, seriously, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. You're looking for something when there isn't anything to find. All is well. Besides you sound like a five year old." Ianto told him, trying to sound as happy and carefree as possible. He watched as Owen processed his words and could tell that he wasn't entirely convinced by Ianto's performance.

"If you ever need to talk..." Owen started, but Ianto cut him off.

"You're here for me, yes, I understand."

"Well, no, I was going to say Gwen loves to have a chat." Owen tried to joke but it fell flat for both of them. "Seriously though, you know where I am."

Ianto watched as Owen disappeared back into the Hub and thought about the things he had just said. He wondered if his behavior and appearance had really changed enough to be noticed. Jack hadn't said anything and he was the person Ianto spent the most time around; but Jack could be oblivious at times. Or maybe Owen really was seeing things that weren't there; things at the Hub had been rather quiet lately and the Doctor was getting board, maybe he needed to make some drama to help fill in the days.

"Are you staying tonight?" Jack asked him around five o'clock in the afternoon. While Jack never stayed the night at Ianto's, Ianto quite often stayed the night at the Hub; something Jack seemed to enjoy. That was yet another contradiction in their strange relationship. Ianto wasn't sure why Jack liked him being around at night and was always too worried to ask, scared he would freak Jack out by mentioning it.

"If you want." Ianto replied as he took bite of his pizza; it wasn't very enjoyable.

"That would be nice." Jack replied with a smile reaching over to wipe a little bit of sauce off Ianto's lip. Ianto had noticed Jack seemed to be in one of his more affectionate moods today which always made Ianto's day a little harder because he found himself wondering why Jack couldn't be like this more often; since he obviously had it in him to be that way. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Why does everyone keep asking me that today?" Ianto asked.

"You seem a little off that's all. Quiet. Like when you first started." Jack commented. Ianto knew Jack didn't like to talk about Ianto's first few months at Torchwood; Lisa and his betrayal wasn't exactly a fun subject and Jack was all about the fun things in life.

"I'm just a little tired." Ianto tried to assure him. Ianto was kicking himself on the inside; Jack had just given him the perfect opportunity to bring up what was going on inside his head and again Ianto dismissed it and continued to pretend that everything was well.

"I must be keeping you up too late." Jack smirked and Ianto could tell images from the night before were now passing through the Captain's mind.

"I don't mind." Ianto smiled a smile he could actually feel. He loved little moments like this with Jack, where they were just sitting and talking, enjoying the company of another lonely person. While it made things harder for Ianto when they didn't stay this way, he still cherished the small moments. As unhappy as he was he would never take back the time he had been with Jack; they were memories he would hold dearly until the day he died. He really was so confused, wanting Jack but at the same time wanting more than Jack could give him; nothing made sense in his head. "Jack..." Ianto started but stopped immediately.

"What?" Jack asked softly.

"Will you think about us, the team when we're gone?" Ianto asked and wished right away he hadn't. He didn't know why but the question had left his lips before he'd had the chance to stop it.

"Talk about morbid conversation." Jack replied as he ran a hand slowly through his hair.

"Sorry, forget I said anything." Ianto said nervously as he had a sip of water.

"It's okay." Jack told him with a smile. "I just wasn't expecting it. Of course I'll think about you all, you four have been the first real family I've had in a very long time; I'll miss you and think about you everyday, but while I have you here with me it's not something I want to think about; I think I'd go crazy if I did. I want to live in the now." Jack placed his hand over Ianto's and softly moved his thumb across the palm of Ianto's hand.

"I wish I could do that, stop thinking and just live in the now; live for the moment." Ianto told Jack, happy in the knowledge that is lover would miss him when his death came but also sad that Jack had to lose every person he cared about.

"What are you thinking about?" Jack asked with a caring voice.

Ianto picked up Jack's hand and placed a small kiss across the back off it. "Nothing, ignore me I'm in a funny mood."

"I could never ignore you, you Ianto Jones, have a presence that can never be ignored. I can feel you enter a room before I even see you." Jack told him and Ianto found himself wondering why Jack was being so pleasantly romantic tonight.

"Are you alright?" Ianto asked him with a confused grin.

"I'm more than alright, after all, I'm with you."

Jack's romantic mood did carry on through to the next day, and Ianto felt his mood - which had been surprisingly good - hit the floor very abruptly. The day had been terrible with an alien on the lose that could cause people to combust into flames if it touched them and Tosh almost became one of its victims. After many hours and lots of near misses they managed to stop it but the stress of it had caused all of Torchwood Three to be very moody.

"Jack." Ianto said as he walked into his boss's office.

"What!" Jack snapped.

"Umm... Just letting you know it's past midnight so I'm going to head home." Ianto said quietly. He saw Jack's face soften slightly when he realized it was Ianto at the door.

"Heading home so soon?" Jack said slyly as he got up and walked towards where Ianto was standing. Ianto still didn't know how Jack did it, flipped moods so fast. Going from cranky to horny in under a second, a skill Jack seemed to have perfected.

"It's been a long day." Ianto said with a small laugh. "I'll be happy to see the end of it."

"But there are so many things we could do to improve this horrible day before you leave." Jack said with what Ianto had named his 'sex grin', it was a smile that was made of pure lust, and couldn't be mistaken for anything else. Tonight was not going to be tender, it wouldn't be sweet or caring and they would never make it to the bed. The look on Jack's face meant it was going to be hard and rough, pure sex for the sake of sex and nothing else, filthy words would leave both their mouths, there would be bruises on his hips and scratches down Jack's back and by the end of it Ianto wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week. It was the kind of sex the Ianto loved and hated at the same time; he craved it like a drug even though he knew it was no good for him and his state of mind.

"Really sir and what sort of things were you thinking?" Ianto asked and was surprised by how husky his voice already was. This was the problem with him and Jack. Ianto could bitch and moan about their relationship as much as he wanted but when it came down to it, it was just as much his fault as it was Jack's. He played along and stayed quiet and enjoyed the sinful things they would do to each other while it was happening and then he would wonder to himself later why he couldn't be in a happy normal relationship; he was starting to figure out that until you were normal yourself you can never be in a normal relationship. Until he was happy with himself he would never be able to be happy with Jack and Torchwood; he was stuck in a never ending cycle of aliens, sex and hopelessness.

"I am Ianto Jones the walking contradiction" Ianto whispered softly to himself much later as he and Jack lay naked on the floor both dripped in sweat and breathing hard, spent for their earlier activities.

"What?" Jack asked sounding breathless placing his hand on Ianto's shoulder and squeezing it gently; something Jack always did after their rougher sex, Ianto still wasn't sure why.

"Nothing." Ianto replied as he stared up at the ceiling.

TBC

A/N: Thanks to my lovely beta, thanks for reading and comments are love :))