Title: So Far From Normal
Author: Seether79
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Team
Rating: R overall
Spoilers: General spoilers for both seasons
Summary: Ianto isn't sure of what he wants anymore
Beta: lj user"the9thdoctor" at lj user"plotbunniesinc"
Author's Notes: Set after adrift. I have decided to add another chapter so this will be six chapters long now.
Warnings: Mentions of Jack/someone else in previous chapter, nothing serious. Slight Ianto someone else in this one.
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood (There would be a lot more boy action if I did)
Chapter 5: If You Don't, Don't
"Do you love me, Jack?" Ianto asked after a long while.
"Why?" Jack questioned him as he looked over at Ianto.
"Because honestly, the only way I see you being faithful to someone is if you love them. So I'll ask again, do you love me, Jack?"
Ianto watched Jack carefully. He really wished he was mind reader; it would be a wonderful skill to have when around Jack. The man was like a wall sometimes, you never could tell what he was thinking. Jack was the most open person Ianto had ever met, he would say and do anything; he was also the most closed of person Ianto had ever met, always hiding the truth is some form or never saying how he was feeling, making him a hard person to read or get close to. The mystery of Captain Jack.
Jack's expression had become blank as soon as Ianto had asked him the question he'd been dying to get an answer to, and Ianto knew after a few minutes he wasn't going to get one. "Well, silence gives me my answer." He felt a pain deep in his chest knowing that Jack didn't feel that way about him; that the man he loved didn't love him back. Although the pain was horrible it was also mixed with a small amount of relief, he'd finally asked the question; he didn't get the answer he wanted but at least now he knew. In a weird way Ianto felt as though he was finally free.
"I don't know why I cracked up." Jack said out of the blue. "It's not a big deal that you were hit on, after all you're a good looking guy; it's to be expected."
"Jack." Ianto said, sounding frustrated. He hated it when Jack did this, acted like something hadn't happened because he didn't like the outcome. "You were acting crazy just a few minutes ago and now you've done a complete one eighty turn around. For once can you just explain yourself?"
"Ianto, I've never been good at saying what I mean. I try and it just comes out wrong, or people take it the wrong way. My mind seems to race a hundred miles an hour and sometimes I just can't keep up with what I'm feeling. I know I'm not doing right by you, I never meant for it to happen, it just kind if did. I just..." Jack seemed to lose himself in thought for a few seconds, "I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut."
"I don't know what to say." Ianto replied. He didn't know what Jack was trying to say, he wasn't even sure if Jack knew. He wished sometimes he could just let go of Jack - life before him may have been boring but at least things were simpler back then. Ianto felt as though he was falling into a black hole, and he didn't know when he was going to land.
Jack chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. "I wish I could be more for you."
"So do I." Ianto said softly.
"What do you want to do, Ianto?" Jack asked him.
"I really don't know." Ianto told him. He moved closer and kissed Jack lightly on the lips. "Let's go to bed."
"Really?" Jack said sounding confused.
"Nothing's been solved and there is so much going on, I wouldn't even know how to start fixing it. But tonight... Tonight let's just go to bed and enjoy each other; all our problems will still be there in the morning." Ianto told him as he stood up taking Jack's hand and leading him to the bedroom. Ianto was fairly certain that whatever he and Jack shared was going to be coming to an end; if that was the case then Ianto wanted one last night with the immortal man that had somehow stolen his heart.
Ianto was surprised when he woke up to see Jack lying beside him with his eyes closed – he wasn't sure if Jack was actually asleep since the older man rarely needed it. He looked at the clock and saw that it was just after four in the morning. He sighed, knowing he'd not be able to find sleep again, his brain was far to awake to allow it. He looked at Jack once more before getting up and heading to his kitchen to start brewing coffee. Jack didn't follow him, which led Ianto to believe he actually was asleep; Jack was never one to ignore the smell of fresh coffee.
He sighed loudly as he leaned against the counter. He had no idea what the future held for him and Jack but he knew it wasn't good. He was tired of feeling like this, depressed and sad over the love Jack couldn't give him. The idea of giving Jack up was depressing and Ianto didn't want to, but he knew that things wouldn't start getting better for him until he did. He didn't want to feel so alone while being in a relationship, it wasn't healthy. He'd been thinking a lot about things and he knew he needed to get the courage to what was best, what needed to be done, he needed to start making things better for himself, no-one else was going to do it. Happiness was a concept that Ianto wasn't sure really existed anymore. He had thought he could be happy with Jack but that hadn't happened, but he also knew he wouldn't be happy without Jack; better off maybe, but not happy.
"You're up early." Jack commented he was leaning against the wall watching Ianto.
"Jesus, Jack. You scared me." Ianto said with a shaky voice. He hadn't heard Jack get up and come into the kitchen.
"Sorry." Jack smiled as Ianto handed him a mug filled with coffee.
"You should start wearing a bell." Ianto replied as he took a seat at the dining room table.
"I'd wear it if it was a sexy bell." Jack grinned.
"I'm not sure if there is such a thing as a sexy bell." Ianto told him with a raised eyebrow.
"I think I could make a bell sexy." Jack laughed as he sipped his coffee with a happy smile across his face.
"Wouldn't surprise me." Ianto said with a flat tone. "I think we need to talk."
"Yes, we do." Jack agreed.
"I... Jack, I don't think we're working anymore." Ianto said sadly as he looked at the ground, he'd never go through with it if he had to look Jack in the eyes. "I thought I could change and be more carefree and casual in relationships, but it doesn't work for me."
Jack was silent for about a minute before finally replying, "I offered you monogamy."
"I need more than that." Ianto told him. "I need someone who tells me what they are thinking, who wants to share their life with me, someone whose real name I know... Someone who loves me." Ianto felt as though he was going to cry but refused to allow the emotions to overcome him. He needed to approach this like it was a situation at work that needed to be taken care off as quickly and cleanly as possible. He breathed deeply and let his stoic 'work mask' fall into place. "We don't make sense."
"I think we do. We may not be conventional but normal isn't all it's cracked up to be. I don't want to give up on us." Jack replied. Ianto could feel the older man's intense stare on him but refused to look up and meet it.
"You said last night you wished you could be more for me, I wish you could as well. But you are who you are, Jack, and I don't want to change you. I think it would be best if we went back to being friends."
"We were never friends, not really." Jack told Ianto as he got up and stood in front of him lifting his chin so that Ianto had to look at him.
"Well, now is a good time to try." Ianto said with an unsteady voice.
"Tell me this is what you really want, that this will make you happy and I'll leave right now and we can try and be friends. All I want is for you to be happy, Ianto." Jack said with such tenderness that almost caused Ianto to change his mind.
"It will make me happy." Ianto lied. He saw the disappointment flash across Jack's face before the older man leaned down and kissed his forehead lightly.
"I guess I'll see you at work." Jack said quietly before grabbing his coat and leaving.
Ianto watched him go, ignoring the ache in his chest. He knew he had done the right thing but it still hurt like hell. He knew Jack cared for him, that wasn't in question anymore. But he was in love with Jack and knew it was self harming to stay with someone that would never love him back. He was sad, but at the same time he was proud of himself for finally saying the things he'd kept secret for so long, the things that needed to be said.
Ianto was surprised at how easily he and Jack slipped into the roles of Boss and Employee. They only talked when it had something to do with Torchwood or aliens but when they did have to speak it wasn't uncomfortable or strained. Ianto missed Jack, he did, but he was glad they could continue to work with each other without the hostility that normally accompanied a break-up.
Things got busy, with the world almost being taken over three times, and before Ianto knew it a whole month had passed since he'd ended things with Jack. He knew that being busy helped him deal with the ending of their relationship and wondered if things would still be good once they slowed down enough to actually think about something other than little green men.
Ianto yawned tiredly as he and Tosh picked up the coffees they had ordered from the counter and started to head towards the exit of the cafe they were in. The coffee machine at the Hub had been damaged during a particularly bad experiment with new alien technology and Ianto hadn't had the chance to try and fix it yet.
"Ianto." Ianto and Tosh both spun around at the sound of his name and he was surprised to see Daniel Bell standing there smiling at him. He had completely forgotten about the man who had given him his number the night he and Jack ended things.
"Hi Daniel." Ianto started out nervously. "Um, Tosh, this is Daniel, Daniel, this is Tosh."
"Hello." Tosh said politely as she looked between Ianto and Daniel with curious eyes.
"Hi." Daniel smiled. "So, you never called me."
"No I didn't, sorry; things at work have been busy." Ianto told him with a small smile.
"Are you free tonight?" Daniel asked him.
"I... I guess." Ianto said.
"We should have dinner. There is a great Mexican place just up the road from here." Daniel suggested with a hopeful look in his eyes.
"Okay." Ianto said quickly and was surprised that he hadn't even thought about it.
"Great! Well, as I said it just up the road, the name is Mexicana-O-Rama; sounds silly I know, but it's really good food. Say about eight?" Daniel said with an excited tone.
"Sounds good. We better get back, but see you tonight." Ianto said. Ianto didn't know much about Daniel or if going on a date this soon after Jack was a good idea, but he figured it was time to try and get a life outside of Torchwood and maybe going out for a night was the best first step to becoming a happier person.
"I'm confused." Tosh said to Ianto later on that day. They were sitting at her work station doing general computer maintenance.
"About what?" Ianto asked her.
"About Daniel, what about Jack?"
"Tosh, me and Jack stopped seeing each other about a month ago." Ianto told her. He avoided her gaze and he looked at the computer screen intently.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Things have been so hectic lately I didn't realize." Tosh said softly, placing her hand on his shoulder.
"Even if we were still together, Jack, was seeing other people at the same time. We weren't in a monogamous relationship." Ianto said. He was never sure what the others had assumed about his and Jack's relationship. Owen had thought it was more about sex than anything else, he was also pretty sure Tosh thought it was a serious thing; he really had no clue about what Gwen thought.
"Really, you two seemed happy together I just assumed it was exclusive." Tosh said, almost sounding sympathetic. "But hey, Daniel seems nice."
"Yeah, I guess." Ianto replied, shifting uncomfortable in his seat.
"I think you'll have a great time on your date." Tosh smiled.
"Date." They both heard Jack repeat behind them. Ianto turned around and saw Jack looking at him with a strange expression across his face. "Who's your date?"
"Ummm, this guy Daniel." Ianto answered.
"The lawyer." Jack said with a tight smile.
"That's the one." Ianto told him, watching him carefully to gage his reaction. He wasn't in the mood to fight and he really hoped Jack would just drop it.
"Thought you weren't going to call him." Jack said, his voice slightly less confident than normal.
"I didn't, we bumped into each other while grabbing coffee. He asked, I said yes; figured why not." Ianto replied.
"Well, have fun." Jack said with a forced smile. Ianto could tell the older man wasn't happy about things but he was grateful that Jack made an effort to hide it.
"Thanks." Ianto smiled at him.
"I have to say I'm surprised." Daniel said to Ianto, they were sitting at one of the back tables in the restaurant. So far the date had been going far better than Ianto had expected. Ianto didn't believe Daniel was the great love of his life but the man was nice and good looking and they'd been having fun so far.
"What are you surprised about?" Ianto asked him.
"That you actually came." Daniel smiled. "After you didn't call I assumed you weren't interested."
"Things were complicated." Ianto told him meekly, unsure of what else to say.
"So you said; are they still complicated?"
"No, I guess not." Ianto said with a small smile. He wasn't sure if that was entirely true; he may not be with Jack anymore but they still worked together and Ianto still had feelings for the older man.
"So you're not sort of seeing that guy anymore?" Daniel tried to clarify. "Just making sure I don't have competition." He laughed.
"No, things ended with him." Ianto told him shifting in his seat. He really didn't want to talk about Jack right now; he wasn't ready for a conversation like that.
"I'd love to say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I really like you and I've never been good at sharing." Daniel smiled. Ianto smiled back but he didn't quite feel it.
"Do you want another drink?" Ianto asked quickly wanting to change the subject.
"I'm fine." Daniel replied as he pointed to his full glass of wine; Ianto looked down at his own full glass and felt like an idiot.
"Sorry; I'm kind of nervous." Ianto told him.
"Nothing to be nervous about." Daniel smiled reassuringly at him.
Ianto was happy with the way the date turned out, he smiled he un-locked his door. The conversation had been good and although he had been nervous he was pretty sure he hadn't made to big of an idiot of himself. He had told Daniel he would call him soon and they would arrange a second get together. The connection he had with Jack hadn't been there but he figured you didn't always have to feel passionate about someone to be happy with them. He wasn't ever sure if they'd end up becoming a couple but he knew it was good to at least try playing the field a little. It had been so long since he had just dated, the idea of it was appealing; something normal to go in his not so normal life.
"Hi." Ianto almost had a heart attack when he heard Jack's voice; he looked up to see the older man sitting on his couch looking up at him with a miserable face.
"Jack, holy crap, you scared me." Ianto told him. Jack had the keys to everyone apartment just in case of emergency but this was the first time he had ever used the one he had to Ianto's. "Is everything okay?"
"No, not really." Jack answered.
"What wrong?" Ianto asked nervously.
"I miss you." Jack told him. "I've been sitting around all night missing you."
TBC
A/N: Thanks to my lovely beta, thanks for reading and reviews are love :))