My Brother's Keeper

AU, TezukaFuji. As brothers, their bond was unbreakable, and as lovers, their passion was unending. But when a ghost of the past shows up to haunt Syusuke's perfect life, Tezuka realizes that he cannot protect his little brother from everything.

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A/N: As always, sankyuu to all those who reviewed. I love you all, you feed my muse. I've actually taken the time to outline this story and I hope it will be done by the end of November at the latest, if nothing comes up. I just want to prove to myself that I can indeed finish a story and not leave everything incomplete, as I seem to have a habit of doing. But as a warning to you all, probably until MBK is finished, other updates will be more scarce. However, I hope that chapter 2 does not disappoint! Ja ne!

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Chapter One

Doubts and Realizations

-

His door creaked, and Tezuka, who had never been a deep sleeper in the first place, shot up in bed, looking very disheveled in his yukata. There was a figure in his doorway. He laid back down and heaved a heavy sigh. "Syusuke, it's late. Do you need something?" It was very late, the clock on the wall said three am.

"It's cold in my room, niisan. D'you think I could sleep in here?"

Tezuka paused, he wondered how to break the news to his brother without hurting his feelings, "...Syusuke." He said finally, rubbing his eyes, "...It's the middle of August. Cold is good in the middle of August."

Still, Syusuke stepped into his room, "...Niisan, please?"

"You're thirteen." Tezuka lay down again, "Stop whining like a child."

Then Syusuke touched him with a cold, clammy hand and Tezuka winced.

"Please?"

He relented, what choice did he have? Tezuka drew back the thin blankets and Syusuke's face lit up as he wriggled under the blankets next to his brother. Tezuka noted that the smile was ever warm, though Syusuke's entire body felt like an ice block, but he kept from flinching. "Are you sick?"

"No." Syusuke smiled in the dark, "But I'm freezing."

In the middle of August, freezing was...rare. But Tezuka took one of Syusuke's hands and began to rub the numb fingers. "It's the middle of August." Tezuka said again, as if that explained everything. To his logical mind, it did.

"Saa, I'm weird that way, I guess." Syusuke looked down at their intertwined fingers, "Can I ask you something?"

"Ask, but after this question, I'm going back to sleep."

"...Should I...be here?"

Tezuka looked at the boy beside him. Even though the boy's lips would always smile, his eyes were a dark azure that held something that frightened Tezuka. Instinctively, he gripped his brother's hand tighter. Besides, this was the first time in Tezuka's infallible memory that Syusuke had asked him such a strange, but ominous question.

"You have every right to be here." Tezuka said, "You are here, as my little brother."

Syusuke didn't look convinced, "I just..." Then he shook his head, "...Do you want me here?"

At first, Tezuka said nothing. There was nothing to say when the person who had the gall to ask something like that was Syusuke himself. He merely leaned over, and touched his lips to one pale cheek for one brief moment.

But even in that one brief moment, both of Syusuke's cheeks flushed with brilliant color.

"Tezuka lay back and stared up at the ceiling. "Stop asking silly questions and go to sleep."

-

Winter exams rolled around, and there was no more tennis. Well, that wasn't quite accurate, there was tennis, but only when Tezuka found time to go, and convinced Syusuke to go along with him. The first wasn't often, and the second even less so. Winter meant lots of studying, and the annual trip to the mountains, where it snowed all the time.

Syusuke said it snowed all the time in London.

Tezuka was surprised that Syusuke still remembered London. Sometimes, his family took trips in the summer. When he was nine, there had been a trip to Chicago. When he was twelve, there had been a trip to Berlin. Actually, that wasn't so much a vacation, but his mother had the sense to treat it like one to settle everyone's nerves.

But they had avoided London for reasons that even young Tezuka knew very well.

But Tezuka stood there in the doorway of their cottage and watched his brother marvel at the snow. Snowflakes clung to Syusuke's hair and they looked like crystals.

"Syusuke, you're going to catch cold, come inside."

The other boy turned back to him with a flurry of white and smiled, "It's so white."

"Snow is white." Tezuka said.

"Not in London." Was Syusuke's oddly sober reply.

Silence. And then Tezuka slipped on his shoes and walked a few clunky steps to Syusuke's side, "This isn't London. The snow is white."

"I know." Syusuke took his hand, "Niisan is here too."

"Of course I am." Tezuka reached up with his other hand to brush a few flakes from his brother's hair. The crystals melted on his fingers.

"Will niisan always be here?"

For that, Tezuka had no answer.

-

Three days after Grandfather's funeral began the first longest phase of Tezuka's life. It was wholly unpleasant, and had Syusuke not been there, Tezuka was sure he would have done something drastic.

Tezuka took to throwing up whatever he ate. No, it wasn't because he had bulimia. It was simply because tears refused to fall from his eyes, and vomiting was the only grieving his body knew how to do. He missed a week of school and Syusuke insisted on staying home with him. In fact, Tezuka didn't ever remember Syusuke not being there when he opened his eyes, unless his brother went to get food, or went to take a shower.

Tezuka was fifteen, and very disgusted with himself. He found that he despised everything, the taste of the vomit clinging to his mouth, the sweat soaking his sheets and his clothes, when he woke up, and even Syusuke, sometimes.

He absolutely, absolutely hated it when Syusuke told him, "Niisan, it's all right to feel sad."

"I'm not...supposed to."

"Says who?"

Tezuka faltered. He closed his eyes, "The older you are, the more difficult you get." It was meant to sound stern, but Tezuka in his current condition barely managed to sound meek.

"...The same goes for you, niisan."

"I'm not difficult."

Syusuke had the nerve to laugh, "So you say." He sat down at the edge of the bed, "I think you're plenty difficult. But that's why you're niisan." Then Syusuke stood up again, "Well, since you have so much energy to be difficult, you might as well eat. I'll go get some food."

Before Syusuke could step away, Tezuka caught his wrist, "Syusuke."

"Mm?"

"Stay. I don't have to eat. I'll just throw it all back up."

Syusuke paused, and a smile played about his lips. "Niisan is very bad at making excuses." Tezuka received a small prim kiss on the forehead for his troubles, "You better not throw up. I'd hate to bother Mom with laundry...again."

Tezuka watched his brother leave. Syusuke had grown taller and the years had been kind to him. It'd been ten years since he had first stepped into his life, and he had filled out beautifully. Long legs, white arms, he wished, for a moment, he could just hold his brother against the door frame and stare at him...for a long time.

"Niisan, say 'ah.'"

Tezuka's eyes widened. "Syusuke, what is...this?"

"It's oatmeal." Syusuke said, still smiling, "I made it."

Oatmeal. At least, that was what Syusuke called it. But the mush in the bowl looked suspiciously unlike oatmeal. For starters, it was gray, with a tint of some other color he couldn't quite discern. Tezuka wrinkled his nose.

"Are you sure?"

"I might have...burned it a little. On accident. But I added lots of sugar, it should be okay." Syusuke's smile turned sheepish, he held up his other hand, there was a small burn near the wrist.

"You shouldn't have played with the stove." Somehow, even though the burn made him feel slightly guilty, the burn on Syusuke's wrist gave him the excuse to take his big brother role back. "Let me see."

"I already iced it. It doesn't hurt anymore." Syusuke said, but nonetheless dutifully presented his hand for introspection. "And I'm fifteen. I don't play with the stove. I'm hardly a kid anymore, niisan."

Tezuka gave him a look, but gingerly took the spoonful offered him. It was too sugary, and tasted slightly burnt. But he forced himself to swallow.

"You still whine like one."

Syusuke frowned, "Niisan is mean. I don't want to cook for you anymore."

-

Sixteen. Sweet sixteenth. And Syusuke's birthday was on an actual existing day. A present for his brother was a constant problem. A problem he'd finally solved thanks to another boy who also wore a constant smile out of habit.

"I'm going to take Syusuke to get his ears pierced on his birthday. So that makes your job easier, you can just buy him earrings."

Yukimura Seiichi was infamous for his piercings. He had at least five holes punched in each ear and on a side note, had a spastic dress sense. One upside was that Yukimura had a body like Syusuke's and therefore looked good in anything he bothered to put on. At seventeen, Yukimura was older than Tezuka or Syusuke and certainly acted like it.

But for some reason, it bothered Tezuka that his present was in lieu of Yukimura's present...he was pondering this when Yukimura's voice cut through his thoughts again.

"These look nice, don't they?"

Tezuka looked at the pair of earrings that Yukimura held up. No, they did not look nice, they looked heavy, and rather gaudy. He shuddered just trying to imagine Syusuke wearing them.

"Our mother won't approve."

"Of what? Pierced ears?" The look that Yukimura gave him was slightly condescending. "It's not like I"m teaching him to drink."

Tezuka glared at him, "That's not it."

"What then?" Yukimura put the earrings back, "You don't want him to get his ears pierced? He can't be your precious little brother forever, you know." He smirked, "Syusuke happens to like the idea."

Tezuka didn't like the way Yukimura called Syusuke's name, because it sounded too much like him. In fact, he dared to venture one step further and say that he didn't like Yukimura Seiichi at all.

-

"Are you going to get your ears pierced?"

Tezuka found his brother sprawled on the floor of his bedroom, sketching idly on a notepad. Syusuke's hair had gotten kind of long, he noticed, almost down to his shoulders, and Tezuka couldn't help but wonder if it was Yukimura's influence. Syusuke brushed back a strand of hair and glanced up at him. "I'm thinking about it."

"Don't."

Syusuke's pencil stopped moving, "Why?"

"Because..." He stopped, there was nothing to say.

Syusuke rescued him, "I didn't say I was going to. I'm just thinking about it." His brother smiled at him, "Would you sit and stay awhile? I want to draw you."

Tezuka considered. The fact that Syusuke was only thinking about getting his ears pierced comforted him a little. He stepped into the room and sat almost gingerly against the wall.

"Come closer." Syusuke tapped the floor next to him, "I don't bite. You know that."

Syusuke did not bite, but then that didn't change anything. Tezuka still felt awkward as he picked himself up and walked over to his brother. Sat down again.

"Something is bothering you, niisan." Syusuke said, as he flipped his pad over for a fresh sheet of paper.

"I'm fine." Tezuka lied through his teeth.

"Sure you are."

But Tezuka said nothing else, and Syusuke said nothing else, and there was quiet after that. Only the faint scritch-scratch of his pencil filled the silence and Tezuka found himself studying his younger brother again. Yes, of course Yukimura had been pouring all sorts of nonsense into Syusuke's head. Even though his brother didn't have his ears pierced yet, Yukimura's marks were already evident.

Too evident.

Syusuke never wore much jewelry before Yukimura came along. But now, three thin silver chains adorned his neck and Syusuke seemed very much at ease with wearing an over-sized sweater that left one shoulder completely bare. 'Slutty' wasn't the word for it, but certainly, Syusuke had gotten more daring.

Tezuka's eyes inevitably found a faint reddish mark on the soft white curve of Syusuke's neck. He swallowed, hard.

"Syusuke."

"Yeah?" His brother didn't look up, working still quite intently on his sketch.

"Look at me."

Syusuke did, "What?"

Tezuka touched the bare skin of his brother's shoulder. He let his fingers ghost over the mark, "...What's this?"

"This? I nicked myself with a shirt a couple of days back. You know, the stupid label thing." Syusuke said without any hesitation. "I know, it looks like something else. But you know I'd never do anything like that."

Or would he? With Yukimura present in the picture, Tezuka couldn't help but wonder.

-

A couple of days later, Fuji walked into Tezuka's room and flopped down on the bed. Tezuka looked up from the novel he was reading. "Niisan, I have a dilemma."

Tezuka turned the page, "What kind of dilemma?"

"Well...I just went out with Seiichi." Syusuke said, "...And I decided not to get my ears pierced, it looked like it would hurt." He sighed, "So for my present, he bought me some clothes. But...I'm ranting, the point is that...niisan, I'm so confused."

'Seiichi' set off alarms in Tezuka's head. But he mentally cheered at the fact that Syusuke hadn't gotten his ears pierced. "What did Yukimura do this time?"

"He didn't really...do anything." Syusuke mumbled, twirling a loose strand of hair around his finger, "It's just...he kind of...sort of...told me he, um, liked me."

Tezuka felt a knot form in his stomach. "And what did you say?"

"Well...I said, I'd think about it. But I'm not really sure how to...think about it." Syusuke bit his lip. "How did you manage with Atobe?"

For that, Tezuka blanched. He didn't manage anything with Atobe. Nothing at all. He needed to set the record straight, "Atobe and I aren't dating. We just go fishing a lot. I've told you before."

"...So...niisan is single?" Syusuke sounded doubtful.

"I've always been...single."

Tezuka closed his eyes, his brother was going to drop a bombshell, he knew it. A second later, Syusuke would surely say, "Well, I'm not. Seiichi and I are dating now."

And then --

"Niisan, what should I say?"

Tezuka opened his eyes again. He suddenly felt tired, and he was in no mood for this. Hell if he was just going to give Yukimura Seiichi his little brother just like that. But for some reason, Tezuka knew he didn't have much of a choice. He glanced at Syusuke, who was still playing with his hair. The action was surprisingly endearing. It was Tezuka's turn to sigh. "Syusuke, you shouldn't ask me something like that."

"Why not?"

"I can't give you an...honest answer."

"How about a dishonest answer?"

Tezuka realized that he couldn't read the deep blues of his brother's eyes. "What good would that do?"

"I don't know." Syusuke said, "I wish he wouldn't like me, it makes things complicated." He lay down on the mattress, his head a few inches away from where Tezuka himself lay. "What if I said, 'Niisan, I like you'? What would you say?"

Tezuka's mouth fell open. "What?"

Syusuke was blushing, he was blushing so hard that he grabbed a nearby pillow and buried his face in it. "Never mind...I didn't say anything."

"Syusuke, what did you say?"

Incoherent muffling from the pillow.

Tezuka gently pried the pillow away from his brother's hands, and yet Syusuke still refused to look at him. "I...are you sure you want to hear it again? You might hate me, niisan."

"I won't hate you."

"...Promise?" Syusuke said into the mattress.

"I promise."

"I...I like niisan." Now Syusuke's mumbles were somewhat decipherable. "Probably...I like you the way that Seiichi likes me...and that's okay right? I mean, we're not...exactly brothers. Even though...you'll still be niisan."

The confession struck Tezuka dumb. He put down his book and tried to rally his very disorganized thoughts. Syusuke...liked him? Tezuka had always thought he...sort of, liked Syusuke, but he'd always been content to stay the way they were...but...

Syusuke took his silence for anger.

"You lied. Niisan is mad."

"No, I never said that." Tezuka found his voice, finally. "But...if you asked me something like that..." He trailed off. There wasn't anything he could say that was appropriate to the occasion, so in the end, he said, "Syusuke."

Syusuke lay on his back, with his eyes closed, "What?"

Tezuka leaned over the other boy, who stayed perfectly still. He pressed closer and closer until he heard the younger boy's breathing hitch. This made him bold, and before he could dwell on the implications of what he was about to do, he slid his mouth over Syusuke's, effectively swallowing the other's strangled moan.

"I'd probably do this."

Syusuke's eyes were glazed, and his lips were red and full. But after a moment passed, Syusuke smiled. "I like you." He raised his arms up and locked his fingers around Tezuka's neck, "Kiss me again."

-

They lay still, arms entwined, legs entwined, with a few thin blankets tucked between their bare bodies.

After a while, Tezuka ventured, "...I guess...a belated birthday present is in order. What would you like?"

Syusuke's breath was warm and moist buried in the crook of his neck and Tezuka heard his brother laugh. "...At the risk of sounding horribly shallow, niisan sounds nice for my birthday."

Tezuka felt his own lips twitch, "You have me. You have always had me."

"...Saa...Do I really?" Syusuke raised one hand up and cupped the side of Tezuka's face, "Then...I guess, I don't want anything."