Eleven
When she wakes up this time, there's no Jennifer Keller getting on her nerves with pacing. Instead, there's even more pain than last time, also shivering, dizziness, nausea and headaches. For a while she keeps absolutely still, trying to shut out all the distractions and concentrating solely on breathing. But then it slowly gets through to her that she can't stay like this for all eternity, because as long as she's alive and at least basically conscious, it's her duty to fight her way out of this.
So after a few more moments of merciless self-cajoling, she finally manages to crack her eyes open and haul herself up as far as possible. Which is when she realizes that they have seriously maimed her right wrist… and Alton who is standing in front of her cell, grinning at her. "My apologies, Lieutenant. It seems I have seriously underestimated your resilience. You're a truly amazing woman. As was your companion Dr. Keller."
Even through the haze of pain and fever she immediately catches the operative word. Was. That either means that Jennifer escaped or that she… "That's quite right, Laura. I may call you Laura, right?" You may go to hell, she wants to spit back, but even taking a breath to say these few words is taking up too much of an effort. "Anyway… yes, I have the sad duty to inform you that sweet little Jennifer Keller never made it out of this facility." Her first impulse is a sickening feeling of guilt and regret and grief, but then she realizes that this could very well be a trick of him to break her resolve, make her give up.
And the lines from the Soldier's Creed that brought her through boot camp and OCS come to her mind again, even though they are basically an Army thing.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
And out of these, there's one that runs through her head now over and over again. I will never accept defeat. I will never accept defeat. I – will – never – accept – defeat.
And then there's also a line from her own Corps' ethos. I must shoot straighter than any enemy who is trying to kill me. Together these lines give her the strength to believe that Jennifer is still alive, no matter what this guy is telling her. They also give her the strength to ignore the nagging suspicion that her conviction of Jennifer still being alive is just the fever messing around with her head and clouding her judgment.
"Ah, I can see that you don't believe me. But rest assured, I am right. As for you… I have something very special for you in my mind. You'll be my means to an end to get me back into my master's highest esteem. See this?" He gestures towards a lump with a blinking something inside the lock of her cell's door. "That, my dear, is a neat little bomb that will go off the moment they open this door. No one will see it, and with any luck, you'll be much too weak to tell anyone about it. Imagine it… your fellow Atlanteans – and I daresay there will be some very important Atlanteans among them – all in this room, relieved to have found you, maybe even alive… and then, when they already think that everything is over… a beautiful explosion. Doesn't that sound nice?"
Go to hell, she wants to scream at him, but she needs all the strength she has left to keep her eyes open and concentrate on just two thoughts in her mind: The absolute confidence that she did not screw up and send Jennifer to her death and the memory of lying beside Evan, just being barely awake, because this always is the moment where she feels safest of all. She needs to remember this feeling of safety now to keep her going, remind her of the fact that nothing can hurt her as long as Evan is still out there, looking for her, fighting for her.
"Well, seeing that you aren't really in the mood for talking – which I do understand, honestly – I will leave you to your last few hours alive. As I've been told, you do have someone to spend them thinking on, so I won't trouble you any longer. I will also refrain from telling you good-bye under the circumstances, because that would be really impolite of me. So… farewell, Lieutenant Cadman. Give my kindest regards to Teyla Emmagan, John Sheppard, Ronon Dex and Rodney McKay, if you are still capable of that by the time they arrive here." Then he simply leaves the room, his sick amused laugh still echoing through her mind minutes after he is already gone.
She gives herself a few minutes to process what just happened and gather up some energy to deal with the situation. Then, when she feels just barely strong enough, she uncurls from her current position and drags herself over to the door. It seems to her like it takes her an eternity, but eventually she arrives at the door.
When she does, she needs another few minutes to get back her breath. While waiting for her erratic pulse to calm down at least a bit, she already takes a look at the construction on the lock. It's a bomb, Cadman, she reminds herself forcefully, that's what you're best at. Playing around with C4 like others play around with play dough. You can do this. If there's anyone being able to disable a simple little bomb even with her temperature skyrocketing, it's you.
She forces herself to solely concentrate on the thing at the lock, at the cables connecting lock and IED. She forces herself to forget about the pain and the nausea and the dizziness and engage that kind of tunnel vision she always gets when fiddling around with live ordnance. This isn't the first bomb she has to disable under less than ideal circumstances and she refuses to believe it to be her last.
But when she wants to touch the cables to get a better look at them, she notices her fingers shaking so violently that she wouldn't be even able to hold a pen, let alone safely fiddle around with highly explosive stuff. She tries so very hard to stop the shaking of her left hand – her right is out of commission anyway – but it simply won't obey her. There is no way in hell she'll be able to touch these cables without making this thing explode right into her face.
With an anguished sob, she leans back against the rails. This just isn't fair, she thinks. Betrayed by her own body. Nothing could bring her to her knees – not the news that Jennifer allegedly never made it through the 'Gate, not Alton's taunting about her significant other, not the pain and fever raging through her body. No, a simple tremor that just won't stop is all it needs to break the camel's back. Of all the things that she could have failed at, it had to be disabling a fucking bomb. Another dry sob escapes her.
Get your fucking act together, Marine, a voice that sounds suspiciously like her first drill instructor suddenly bellows at her. Assess your options. Rethink your plan. Get into action. She takes a deep, shuddering breath. Right. Of course. If she can't disable this fucking bomb, surely someone on the team Sheppard will send, will be able to do it. All she has to do now is staying awake until they reach her to tell them about the danger.
Somehow that sounds infinitely easier than her first plan and so she makes the firm resolve to stick to that. Simply staying awake. She can do that. And so she settles down for maybe the longest hours she'll ever have to endure, her body staying awake, but her mind retreating into a place far warmer, brighter and much more pleasant than this after only a few moments.
A/N: That is, by far, my most favorite chapter. Sounds strange, I know, but for some reason, I really like it. I could go on and on about why I like it so much, but I guess it's better just to hear what you think about it ;)