Thank you to all my reviewers. It's Nowaki's turn now.

Let there be thunder

- Nowaki -

XX

The day after I burned the letters, the day after I was supposed to cut off all ties from Hiro-san was the day I realised I could probably never let go.

That was the day I thought I was being tested.

The letter from Doctor Carter, which I had ignored before, contained a plane ticket to America.

Come study with me again.

Yet now, the fact that Hiro-san is here, the fact that we're sitting across from each other with only a table and two cups of coffee in between makes me unbearably happy.

I carefully set my bag aside and settle into my chair. Hiro-san gave me that bag so I always treat it delicately. We share tense pleasantries - How are you? Are you eating well? Long time no see, right? - as if we're old friends just catching up. Even though he frowns and doesn't really look at me, he's pleasant enough.

I don't really like it.

At one time, I thought that the worst thing that could possibly happen to me would be for Hiro-san to come to hate me. However, now I would prefer to be hated by him rather than be treated so indifferently. As if I mean nothing.

I want to touch him. I want to hold him. It's just a table. It's just a table with a glass of flowers and two cups of coffee; that's all that's separating us and yet I'm afraid that if I reach out now he won't take my hand. I'm afraid.

"You know, I…I broke up with Miyagi," he speaks tentatively, unsure if he should probably be telling me this. I'm glad he does though. With just this little piece of knowledge, my heart soars.

"I - I see," I wear a controlled smile, trying to hide just how happy I really am.

Hiro-san looks uncomfortable and quickly changes the subject. "By the way, Nowaki, I heard from Akihiko that you've been hanging around Takahashi lately," he says as though it's just small talk we're making.

"Hanging around," I try to smile despite the fact that he's crushing me. "Well, we talk sometimes. He's a good listener."

This makes Hiro-san flinch. Maybe it is because he remembers that he never usually pays much attention to what I have to say. If there was one thing that I would want to change about Hiro-san, it's that I wish he would take what I say more earnestly.

"I got a letter," he suddenly says, as if this is very important. "It was from you."

What? I never sent Hiro-san any letters. How could I when I don't even know his address? "But I never sent you anything, Hiro-san."

This makes him frown a little. Every slight twitch and flicker that passes his face makes my heart leap and plunge accordingly. What is he going to say now?

"I know you don't usually lie," he says. "I usually trust you when you say these things but…I don't know. I don't know what you were thinking when you sent me that letter. Do you think I'm stupid? That I wouldn't notice that there was no airmail sign or that the stamps weren't American?"

He suddenly glares at me, his eyes wavering as he struggles to keep his anger consistent, to not let any other emotion but anger invade his thoughts.

I really don't know what's going on now, but I'm sure this is just one big misunderstanding. "I told you, I didn't send you anything!"

"Like you told me about going to America?" he retorts.

"I did tell you!" My hand slams against the table, making the coffee cups jump and, for a moment, all eyes swivel round to stare at us. I blush and look away, ashamed of my sudden outburst.

Hiro-san also swiftly averts his eyes to his coffee. "Nowaki," his voice is totally serious. It's scaring me a little. He looks away, at the little glass of flowers decorating the table. "...I don't know."

He doesn't say this with hate or scorn, he doesn't say it because he resents me, but it's another hard blow anyway.

Does he care enough about me to resent me? I feel my whole body stiffen as I freeze over. His face and his voice, his very presence is burning me.

I shift uncomfortably, unable to take this heat, this cold, yet all this talk about America reminds me about one very important thing that I have to tell him.

"Um, Hiro-san…"

If I had one complaint about Hiro-san, it would be that I wish he would take what I say more earnestly. Yet now, when I have his undivided attention, I find that I cannot speak. Rather, there is too much that I want to say that I don't know where to begin.

My mouth keeps moving, opening and closing like a fish but nothing is coming out. My heart is going too fast. I think I might die. What do I say now?

Then Hiro-san's phone suddenly rings. I think I know what I want to say now, but Hiro-san already has his phone pressed to his ear. I can see his expression turn to one of surprise.

"Miyagi? What's wrong?"

I can tell that I'm frowning now, no glowering probably, at the phone.

"What?" he asks, completely engaged in his phone call to his co-worker. "Is it important? Eh? Ah…Well, I'll be there right away," he promises and hangs up, rising to his feet at the same time. "I've got to go," he says.

I've got to go. Go to him. Why? They're finished, aren't they? I don't think that Miyagi person even loved Hiro-san. It makes me angry. If he had loved Hiro-san with everything above everything else, if he had ever treasured Hiro-san as much as I do...

"Wait a minute!" I call out to him but I know it's no use; he's already dashing out of the coffee shop, a look of worry on his face.

Rather than indifference, rather than apathy, I would rather he hated me than felt nothing at all.

I remain in the coffee shop alone, brooding over my now cold coffee. Outside it's miserable and grey and raining quite hard.

Oh no, Hiro-san didn't bring an umbrella, he's going to get wet. I hope he doesn't catch a cold. If he does, will that Miyagi person take care of him? Will anyone stay with him until he gets better?

I don't like this rain; it's making me restless. I wanted to grab him and force him to stay, even if it was against his will.

The grey rain pounds against the windows; I can see flashes of silver between the swaying tree branches. A steadily pounding rhythm works its way over the music trickling out from the overhead system. What is it they're playing? I'm not familiar with music so I don't really know.

Then I suddenly stand. It's as if I've been given an electric shock. I don't know why, I can't even explain it to myself, but I feel as if something dreadful is going to happen if I don't act soon. After paying for my coffee as quickly as possible - I don't bother with the change - I step outside, open up my umbrella and run through the rain.

Hiro-san, I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I don't want to let go!

XX

As I follow the trail of water along the familiar corridors, I think I might be sick. Butterflies flutter around my stomach. I remember the last time I followed Hiro-san's wet trail to his office.

That professor he works with runs past me. He doesn't even see me; he's in such a hurry to get somewhere that I go by completely unnoticed.

I find Hiro-san in his office, gathering books for another lesson.

"Hiro-san!" I barge in just as I did that day. "Hiro-san I have to speak with you!"

He looks like a mouse caught in a trap, his eyes dart everywhere but there's no one to rescue him from this confrontation.

"N - Nowaki, I'm - "

"I got a letter from Doctor Carter!" I cut through whatever he might say. "He wants me to go to America with him to study! The plane leaves tonight! It's a big opportunity but I want to stay here!"

I can see all the facts dawning on him. His expression shifts and struggles to remain composed. I've seen him do the same so many times when he's trying to not to show how happy he is or how scared he might feel.

"Tell me you want to be with me too!" I push on. I'm desperate. Can't he see that I'm desperate? "I'll stay here for you!"

It's true. For Hiro-san, if it's Hiro-san, I would give up anything! I don't need anything! Just Hiro-san. That's all.

His eyes widen but I can't tell what he's thinking. The gravity of this situation is probably suffocating him. I feel bad for forcing him to make such a serious decision, but it's nothing compared to how much this silence is crushing me.

"However, if you don't want me, if I'm only hurting you, then I'll go to America!"

Don't make me say these things.

"I'll stay there even!"

I don't want to say such selfless things.

"I'll convince Doctor Carter to let me stay and you won't ever have to see me again! Just tell me!"

Hiro-san, don't make me say such things to you!

"Hiro-san!"

"I - I have classes to teach!" he suddenly slides past me, books and papers stacked in his arms.

He's always disappearing from my view.

XX

An hour passes. When he returns with all his books and papers, he looks so grave. My heart can't take this much longer. That face…I know he's already made a decision. Was he thinking about it the whole time?

I stand by his desk but he doesn't come over. He sits on the couch and puts all his material on the table, picking up an envelope from the pile. It's my letter. Though the envelope is sealed again, I can definitely recognise my own handwriting on the front, spelling out his name carefully as I did those three hundred and sixty five times. For a moment, my heart jumps. Where did he get that?

"Hiro-san - "

"I bought you this bag, didn't I?" He suddenly interrupts, reaching for my bag, which I left on the couch.

He rummages through my things with a look of boredom, then pulls out a book; How the Panda got his spots.

"Are you reading this?" he asks as he flicks through it to the page I bookmarked.

"Yes," I say and, for some reason, he suddenly looks at me so sharply that my eyes are forced to the floor. When I finally look back, he's already bored with the book and the bag is on the couch again, sitting a clear foot away from him.

I take a step forward, coming to stand just in front of the table. I want to tell him everything now, before it's too late. Knowing that, maybe, I might never see him again gives a sudden urgency to my words. I want to tell him everything but I know there's not enough time. I couldn't possibly tell him everything even if I had a whole life time to do so

"Hiro-san, about America. I'm sorry I was away for so long but, you know, the training was actually meant to be two years long."

He looks up, surprised at this as I press on.

"I worked hard and completed it in one year because I wanted to see you so badly! I wanted to come back and proudly show you how I had managed to complete it in one year." I look away as I remember when Hiro-san told me that he became assistant professor. "But you were already moving on so quickly, achieving all your goals. It felt as though the gap between us was just growing too large."

"Nowaki…" I hear him breathe but he says no more.

I can't take this distance any longer and slide around the table so that I can crouch in front of him. He looks uncomfortable but doesn't move away so I persist. Ah, I want to touch him. I want to kiss this man.

Right now, it feels as if I'm handling glass. One wrong move and everything will shatter. I don't want it to shatter. I want to hold on as tightly as I can. I don't want to let go. Hiro-san, don't make me let go.

"Hiro-san," I say softly, because I think I'm going to overflow if I talk any louder. "You're the most important thing in the world to me, that's why I can say this now. That's why I want to put your happiness above everything else. That's why, if it hurts to be with me, I'll never come near you again, because the last thing I want is to hurt you."

Yes, because Hiro-san is precious, isn't he? Because I want to treasure him even over my own selfishness. Because I want him to be the happiest. Even if I'm not with him, as long as Hiro-san is happy, that's okay right? That's enough, right?

"You…" He looks at me, eyes wavering, trembling a little as he stares.

Then, he grabs a book and hurls it at me.

"You idiot!" He's on his feet now, screaming. "You don't want to hurt me? You think I'm the most important thing in the world? What kind of crap is this? Are you even thinking about how I feel whilst you go on your noble self-sacrificing trip?"

I struggle to my feet as he begins to pace up and down. His cheeks are burning red and he's all breathless and angry.

"Did you even think about how I would feel when you left? Did you think I would care about our positions? I don't give a damn! You just went off to America to ease your own inferiority complex, it didn't have a thing to do with me!"

"That's not true! I love you!"

"It was all about you!"

"Hiro-san!" I grab him. I don't want him to go. I don't want to leave! Tell me that you want me to stay with you! Tell me, please Hiro-san, tell me! "Do you love me? Do you still love me? I'll stay here in Japan for you! I'll give up everything for you!"

"And you think that will make me happy?"

My mind races to keep up but everything is going too fast. He's throwing things about and screaming and crying and I'm helpless and trying to figure out what I should do, how I can make things better.

"Then what will? Please, just tell me! Hiro-san!" I plead with him. I don't know anymore. What should I do?

He stops suddenly; stops throwing and ranting and screaming as if someone's shut off the power that was fuelling his actions just moments ago.

"I want…" he turns, tears staining his face as he struggles to keep them at bay. "I want to stop feeling like an idiot! It's all your fault that I feel this way! Dammit, why the hell did you have to come along and barge your way into my life? Who the heck gave you the right to make me feel like this? Why the hell do I have to love you so damn much?!"

"Hiro-san…"

Then, he says it. I'm amazed how just words alone, when Hiro-san says them, are enough to make me feel such giddy happiness.

"Even though we've broke up, even though I'm supposed to be an adult and just move on, I still love you!" he cries, obstinately wiping away his tears with his sleeves. "I love you! Are you happy now?" he yells. "It's all your fault, idiot!"

"Hiro-san…" I breathe his name. Sliding towards him, I reach out a hand to touch him, wrapping my fingers around his wrists and pulling his hands away from his face. He doesn't resist. He lets me do as I wish, staring shame faced at the floor.

I want him. I want this man. I want to take all of him, right here and now on the office couch or against the wall or on the desk, or anywhere. I want to peel his clothes off and press my fingers against his skin and kiss every inch of him

The distance between us closes. Hiro-san grabs my shirt and pulls me down, crushing our lips together. I almost forgot what it was like to kiss Hiro-san, what it's like to have Hiro-san kiss me. I don't want to stop. I press him against the wall and we sink to the ground without breaking our kiss. I think I'm going to overflow.

I deepen the kiss. I want to feel more of Hiro-san, I want to feel all of him. His tears are warm when they touch my cheek, but his hands through my hair feel too good for me to move away and wipe them. I want to stay like this forever; alone with Hiro-san, kissing as if we have the rest of eternity.

But then he suddenly pulls away. His fingers flutter over my lips to stop me speaking. They stop me moving too.

"Nowaki," he whispers. "Go to America."

Thanks for reading! Who gets the next chapter is a surprise, though it's not Hiroki unfortunately.