Chapter 2: Cosmically Ironic
That's strange, I thought as my mind unwillingly drifted back towards reality. I know the DVD should've turned off by now. There were sounds that made no sense. I could sill hear lightsabers clashing, but they sounded rhythmic, and distant, and there was a murmur of voices as I stretched. Gotta be some sort of strange dream, I assured myself, and sighed deeply. I could still feel Lucy's purring, warm body curled up on my side, and I could still feel the covers of my bed.
But what caught my attention, what truly made me wake up, was the pleasantly high-pitched sound of an R2 unit right by my head. I opened one of my eyes blearily and yelled, startled. Lucy dug her claws into my side, ducking under the covers and I nearly fell out of my bed.
Yes, I was still in my pajamas, still in my bed, still with my cat, with my laptop still under my pillow but I was not in my room. The place had the sterile feel of a lab, and there was an unpleasant pounding at the back of my head. Not now, please not now, I begged my brain, feeling the migraine coming on strong. I whimpered and lowered the covers, cringing when the blue and white dome swiveled to get someone's attention.
This can't be happening. I've finally gone mad. I'm probably sitting in my room, sucking my thumb and babbling to anyone who will listen cause this is all happening in my head and I've gone crazy and I am soooo psycho right now and now I'm gonna die old, crazy, ugly and all aloooone! I wailed in my own head, curling into a ball around my cat, crying.
"Miss?" a timid voice asked. I opened my wall of cover enough to see a young girl, in brown robes, with a silver cylinder clipped to her belt. "Miss, are you all right?" The droid whistled sharply, as if to say, "Duh, of course not." The little girl backed out of the room, eyes still locked on mine, muttering something about fetching someone; I felt marginally ill when I heard the name. A few painfully clear seconds later and a large, fishy looking female came in.
"At last..." she murmured deeply, stopping at the foot of my bed. "At last you've returned."
"At last?" I croaked. "More like at last I've finally lost my mind, Cilghal."
"You know me?" she asked, obviously surprised and hiding it poorly.
" No. What I know is that you might be Jedi Master Cilghal, a Mon Calamari, who happens to be the first of Healers trained on Yavin 4 by Luke Skywalker at the Jedi Praexum. I also know that you're a character from a fictional book series, and that I must've finally lost the rest of my marbles. I know so much about this galaxy it's not even funny." My voice grew bitter. "I know about everything, and there's no more room inside my head for reality, so I've finally gone crazy...I wonder if they'll put me in a padded room, or in a ward?" The Mon Cal swiveled her eyestalks in distress, and I knew how she felt. My mind was gone. Not just blown, not just in shock, but gone.
"Perhaps..." the Healer began uncertainly, "perhaps we should get you relaxed..."
"Touch me, Tuna Breath, and I'll knock you from here to the next star system!" I pulled my hand out of her grip, and ducked back under the covers. "'M not going anywhere," I mumbled childishly.
It was cosmically ironic that as a child, I used to wish so hard to wake up in one of the Star Wars scenarios. Now that it had happened, I just wanted to go home
"Although I could use a shower..." I said tentatively. The Healer nodded immediately, and helped my stiff legs walk until the kinks worked themselves out. She chattered at me as we walked around, and soon, I realized that her diplomatic skills must really b getting a workout if she was able to even form sentences at that point. I mostly grunted, feeling less and less human.
A shower set me straight, though, when I found out that I didn't know how to turn on the hot water. So I bathed quickly, freezing my arse off and shivering stubbornly, because I was determined not to ask for help. I didn't need them, and even though I was still shivering as I stepped back into the hallway, I wasn't so far gone that I didn't notice the golden humanoid waiting for me. I felt dingy next to this shining thing, even though Cilghal had lent me some of the brown robes that seemed so common around, and I recognized the flashing orange eyes and the slightly off-color right leg.
"3PO?" I asked, feeling my heart begin to sink to my toes.
"How did you know that?" The droid tilted its, his, head and looked at me. "Never mind. I forgot, we are dealing with the Force after all. Though heaven knows why I let Miss Leia talk me into these things and now I don't even..." I tuned the droid out. It seemed that he really did talk too much. Good thing that I was unarmed, because I'd probably have blasted his vocals out.
"Is there a point to you standing outside the 'freshers?" I asked dully.
"Oh, good heavens, did I forget to mention? Master Cilghal wishes for you to walk around the gardens, she says, until you have 'regained your peace.' Whatever that might mean. I mean, really," the droid looked at me again. "Really,these blasted Jedi have to stop being vague. It's very confusing to those of us not on friendly terms with guiding forces!" I carefully stifled a laugh behind my hands, and turned towards the hall where I could see the most green.
I knew that if I started laughing, I might never stop.
- - - -
It frightened me that the Jedi could read me, seeing as they weren't supposed to exist. Of course, if they were really, as I feared, just figments of my imagination, then they should be able to read me. Right? I was confusing myself.
But regardless, the sight of the greenery did comfort me, as much as could be expected. I got to the point that I actually removed my shoes and sat in the unfamiliar dirt, digging my fingers through it again and again. I heard her come up, though. It seemed that my nearly unnatural instincts finally found a purpose in this fantasy. I expected her to yell at me, maybe even have me arrested for digging in royal dirt. If there was such a thing. But what she did shocked me, thoroughly. She, too, took off her shoes and sat right beside me. There was a sense of contentment around her, and my shoulders unwillingly relaxed.
"Are you going to punish me?" I asked, not looking up.
"No. I figured sending 3PO to you was enough punishment for a few days." God, her voice even sounded like Carrie Fisher's. A lovely, elegant voice, tailor-made for politics, with just a hint of amusement.
"You can say that again," a male voice drawled.
"Han!" she said sharply, before turning around to dig through the dirt again. ("Oh, sure, you can say, but I can't," he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning against the pillar leading to the entrance of the building.) I combed the soil with my fingers, letting them explore the plants there. "Why are you out here, if I may ask?"
I snorted derisively. "You're asking me why I'm in your garden? You, Leia Organa Solo, mother of Jacen, Jaina and Anakin Solo? You're asking for my permission to question me? It's your dirt. Cilghal said that the foliage might soothe me, so I decided to follow up on a vain hope," I mumbled. "And I don't know why I'm here."
I finally looked at her, and saw a much kinder face than I had expected. Feeling oddly like a small child again, I shrugged one shoulder. "Dirt is dirt, you know? I figured that if I could find something small to relate to, like the dirt here, then I could build my way up to maybe passing for human. No guarantees though."
She nodded as if she'd expected such an answer. "That makes sense. As you said, dirt is dirt." She chuckled quietly, and I could hear the sadness in her voice.
"You miss them, don't you?" I asked suddenly, knowing it wasn't my business. She stiffened a little, but I could sort of feel the air around her change and she relaxed again.
"Of course. Cilghal warned me that you might...know...things. It still surprises me, I suppose. And yes, I miss my sons. But..." she left off, a question hanging silently in the air between us.
"What do you want from me, Lady Solo? Lady Organa Solo? Jedi Solo? I don't even know what to call you. I don't know what to tell you. Anakin died a hero, just like his namesake. He sacrificed whatever he had to, just like Anakin Skywalker. And Jacen, though he chose the path he did, well, it wasn't entirely his fault." My breath came tumbling out, chest heaving as my white knuckles edged deeper into the ground.
"What do you mean that Anakin Skywalker died a hero?" her voice was barely above a whisper. I sighed pityingly and tried to organize my whirling thoughts.
"Didn't your brother ever tell you what happened?" When she shook her head, I gave up and brushed my borrowed robe off. "Vader was seduced by the dark side, but not for bad reasons, Ms. Organa Solo. He'd had a terrifying vision of his wife dying in childbirth, and he sought a way to save her from her fate. And you know, I really pity him. Because he might've been The Chosen One, or whatever bantha bull the Council was spouting at the time, but they pawned him off to a Jedi who wasn't even a Master, had never had a Padawan and was still in mourning for his mentor, and then tried to tell him that even though they refused to give him proper guidance, or proper training, he was wrong. That was what it came down to: He was wrong and they were right." I took a shaky breath, and watched her cool brown eyes measuring me.
"Anakin Skywalker was a good man. He just happened to be human, and not quite Jedi material. He fell in love, and married, and then went off to war. He had terrifying visions, and no one could tell him that they were just glimpses of a future that could be. The council was afraid of him, afraid of what he could do, and so instead of guarding the treasure they'd been given, they ignored it and hoped that be foisting it off on someone else, it would go away. But it didn't. Palpatine left Anakin no choice at the end. Anakin hated him, but was still forced to serve because he'd unknowingly burned every single bridge he'd ever had. He couldn't go home, not with the dark side raging, if unwillingly, through his body. His mentor, brother and friend had deserted him in his darkest hour, and Palpatine had warped his visions to the point that he even turned on his own wife, the woman he'd have moved the galaxy for." Tears were streaming down both of our faces, but it didn't matter, because giving her peace of mind was something that I'd always dreamed of. And even if it was just a fantasy, or a cruel joke my mind was playing on me, I had to try.
"His visions turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, Leia. Because he tried to save her, he ended up condemning her. And when she died, when Anakin lay dying in the lava flow of Mustafar, and watched Obi Wan Kenobi walk away from him as he was screaming for help, the Force shifted. Anakin buried himself beneath the flow of darkness, because it was easier to run from his pain, to become a monster, than to face it. And then Obi Wan came to your mother, and seperated you and Luke. So yes, I suppose you could that I 'know things.' And when your brother managed to find the good in him, when Vader finally turned back into Anakin...It redeemed him. Luke saved him, from himself, and he was able to die knowing that he'd saved his son, and ended a reign of terror. He died as a man, and a proud one at that. And Anakin Solo died to save the Jedi from those damned Vong beasts, the ones they cloned to hunt Jedi. He died, having barely tasting love, and he died knowing that he was fulfilling his destiny. He - - " I broke off, unable to continue. Her breathing was less than soothed, at that point, but she met my eyes easily. And I saw a strange kind of glow in them; it was the look of acceptance. A look of peace. Somehow, the aura of peace was better then the sense of contentment she'd had when she entered the gardens. Her eyes turned quizzical as she noticed the tears I was crying.
"Are you alright?" she asked me. I laughed quietly, still half-sobbing.
"No. I was ripped from everything I've ever known, and thrust into this world with nothing but my cat and the clothes on my back, and I don't know why. I don't know why I can suddenly feel everything around me. I can feel your peace, I can feel your husband's skepticism, I can feel the wind currents moving here. I can feel the earth singing to me, and I can feel the crush of billions of people. And it's so entirely overwhelming, that I'm lost!" I completely broke down crying at that point, and the next thing I remembered was two arms around me, smelling sweetly of flowers and clean clothing, and this energy flowing into me, calming me. Slowly, I drifted off to sleep again, my fingers still encrusted with dirt that wasn't so different from home.
- - -
When I woke up, there was a man by my bedside. As I focused my blurry eyes on him, I recognized the craggy, but still handsome features of Han. He was snoring gently, and it was easy to pretend that he wasn't there as I slipped my battered fuzzy slippers onto my feet and got up.
"And where do you think you're going?" he asked, startling me so badly that I tipped over, crashing back onto the bed.
"You were asleep," I accused, dodging the question neatly.
"No, I was waiting for you to wake up. Leia said to keep an eye on you." He motioned to his eyes, and smirked, clearly ready to continue his thread.
"SO," I interrupted, not caring about being rude anymore. "...Let me guess, you're keeping one on me and sparing the other in case I go psycho? Believe it or not, I'm not from Lusankya, so I doubt that there's a trigger somewhere in my mind."
He just stared at me, dropping his hand. "She was right..."
"About?" I felt rather waspish about the entire situation, and my temper was never good when I had just woken up.
"You really do know things." I snorted again and crossed my arms, in typical Why-am-I-not-impressed fashion.
"Gee, what was your first clue, Sherlock?"
"Who?" he looked at me like I was crazy, which I more than likely was. Sighing, I shook my head and laid back down, fuzzy slippers and all. Lucy poked her head out from under the covers, blinking sleepily; she'd probably just slept the day away, but just then, I needed her presence more than ever. She mewed in surprise when I wrapped my arms around her thick frame, and cuddled her close to my nose, inhaling the gentle, fading scent of home from her fur.
Han looked at me, and sighed in resignation. "Cilghal should be back soon, something about more tests, and a datapad for you. I don't know much around here, being that I'm the only non-Force user here, except for you." He smiled crookedly, and even though he was craggy and old enough to be my father, I felt my heart beat a little faster. Han Solo just smiled at me...
"Actually, dear, Cilghal won't be back right now, I do have a datapad for her, and she's a Force User too, so you're still all alone in that regard." Leia smiled warmly at her husband, who'd just given her a look of complete betrayal. The Jedi slid the datapad into my hand, and I looked with interest as the screen began flashing. There was a stylus in the back of the 'pad, and she pulled it out.
"Cilghal noticed that you didn't seem to recognize the exit, and she thinks that even though you speak Basic, you don't know the characters of it. So she had one of our slicers program a little test for you, to keep you entertained while she tries to solve where you came from." The Jedi smiled warmly, and I felt that odd connection again; the back of my head began pounding again.
Flopping backwards, she must've felt something as well, and in a flash her hands were centered on my temples. "What's wrong?" Han asked, half-standing. She shook her head, irritated with my fading consciousness.
"I don't know. Her brain feels like it's pulsing, like it's suffering, but I can't figure out why." Leia's voice got farther away, or so it seemed, and my vision began to blur. "Cilghal, get down here NOW!" I realized vaguely that she must've taken out a comlink, but it didn't matter. The pain battered me down this time; I couldn't fight it again. Slowly, I sank into the deep darkness, where the red and purple waves of agony couldn't touch me.