Just a Shell

Chapter Five

Another week past, Donatello ate as little as possible, then went for a walk to clear his head. That's what he told his brothers, anyway. Though it wasn't really his head that needed clearing. He trained with the guys in the dojo, and when he wasn't doing that, he did as much training as he could in the sewers or his room. He didn't let on that he was doing extra training, but even with all of that his performance in practice was mediocre at best.

He was still getting creamed by his brothers, which was getting more and more embarrassing each time. It reached a point where he would actually get angry for losing so often, an emotion he wasn't exactly familiar with. He wasn't angry at his brothers, it wasn't any of their fault that he was the weakest. Even Mikey, who spent more time goofing off then training, was a thousand times more fit then he was. Donatello was jealous, but he loved his little brother too much to be angry. Instead, he turned that anger against himself.

'It's what I deserve, I was the one who let myself become weak.' he would think in the lab, training, and even when he was vomiting, which was becoming too frequent for his own liking. 'I'm disgusting. I don't deserve to be near my brothers, or sensei, or Casey or April. They shouldn't have to put up with my presence.'

The day after the pizza incident, Donatello knew he was expected to come to lunch. Splinter didn't come when Mikey came to tell him it was time to eat, but he had a feeling by the look in Michelangelo's eyes that if he didn't eat, Splinter would hear about it, if not come in and want to talk about it.

And so he would go for 'walks'. He'd retch, and sometimes, if he felt safe enough, far enough away from home, he'd curl up and cry. Not loudly, obnoxiously, but quietly. A few tears would escape, then he would force himself to smile, wipe his face and think about how silly he was being by crying in the first place. He didn't even know why he cried anymore.

Donatello lay in his bed, his stomach didn't even growl for food. It had given up on such silly things. Even when he did eat, it wasn't like he kept it in long enough to digest the food. His eyes felt heavy, but he couldn't sleep. His body kept jolting, as if he were falling down a flight of stairs. It made him queasy, but he knew it would be a bad idea to leave his room. Someone always noticed.

Even though it was obvious to anyone who took time to notice that Donatello had lost weight, he felt like he'd gained twice as much as he had really lost. He felt slower, heavier, and he was always tired. He knew that meant he was bigger. He didn't want to be bigger. He was starting to pick up habits he never thought he would. Pinching his arms and thighs, touching his face to see how much of a dent his fingers left on his cheeks, even typing his weight into online BMI monitors. The sane part of his mind told him that those weights where obviously for humans, not turtles, but the rest of him cringed at how his numbers compared.

After awhile, his mind began to concentrate on one thing: Lose weight. Losing weight was all that mattered. His health didn't matter. He could always fix his health, he couldn't get faster until he was smaller. He was slow, worthless in combat, and alienated from his family. And it was all his fault. He was the one who let himself become like this.

He sighed, running one arm down the other, wondering why it was so thick when he had no muscles. Donnie closed his eyes with a sigh. He was bigger, he could tell.

He woke up in his room, he didn't know what time it was. The clock had some sort of weird symbols on it that he couldn't read. He rubbed his eyes, but that did nothing. He figured it must be morning and stood up. He didn't get dizzy, but his body felt heavier. He limbs seemed… ticker? Was there less room in his shell, or was it just his imagination?

His movements where all slow and gawky as he walked out into the living room, but it was empty. His brothers weren't there, and neither was Splinter. Maybe it was still night time. Maybe he just rested his eyes and thought he had slept… But he had a feeling that wasn't right. He lumbered to Raphael's room, the closest one to the living room besides his own. He felt so slow…

When he reached the room the door was open, which made Donnie apprehensive. He had never seen Raphael's door open. Not unless someone was standing in the doorframe. He pushed it open the rest of the way. Empty. Not just of Raphael, but the room had been cleared out. The sheets to the bed, his favorite punching bag…

Donatello's chest tightened and he looked back to the family room. Why didn't he notice how empty it was? The television, the couch, even the rug had been taken. What happened? He ran as fast as he could to his other brothers room, left in the same state of bareness. Mikey's room was clear of comic books, Leo's had no weapons lining the walls.

'This isn't right… They wouldn't just leave…' he thought, his chest moving faster. Why weren't they here? Shredder! Shredder must have done something…

"Hey Don." he heard, and spun around.

In the center of the dismantled living room Leonardo was standing, arms crossed, looking completely calm.

"Leo! They took everything! Where's Mikey? A-And Raph?! They're both just gone! What about Splinter?!" he asked, terrified. Leonardo just smiled.

"They're fine. We're leaving."

Donatello stepped back. That wasn't unheard of, they always moved without much warning, but why hadn't anyone told him? Why didn't anyone wake him up? He didn't bother to ask and turned towards the lab.

"Just let me get a few things I'll be right--"

"Don't bother." Leo said, putting his hand on Donatello's shoulder. "You're staying here, Donnie."

Donatello turned towards his brother, baffled. None of this made sense.

"What? I mean… Why?"

"You know why, Don." Leo said, staring him directly in his eyes. His eyes were detached… cruel? "We can't have you holding us back anymore. Look at yourself. We can't let your weaknesses be our weakness, understand?"

The purple turtle looked down athis body. This wasn't right! Nothing was right. He was big. Bigger then he'd ever been in his life. His legs were wide, his arms as well. The holes of his shell confined his body. What was happening?! He wasn't like this when he went to sleep, he wasn't!

"Leo I didn't do this…" he stammered, scared. "What's happening? I…"

"You did do this, Don. You did it to yourself. We tried to help, but you…" He sighed, rubbing his fingers on his temples. "You are just… weak, Donnie. We didn't want to do it this way, but we all knew it was for the best if you don't know where we are. You'd just follow us, right?"

"But…" Donatello's eyes were filling with tears. "What… What about Splinter?"

"This was his idea." Leonardo said, he started to move closer to Don, but then stepped back again. "You aren't like the rest of us, you know? You're… You're just too bulky. We have to be quick, and you're just not, Donnie. We have to leave you behind now before your failing makes us fail."

Donatello couldn't believe this was happening. He leaned against the wall, covering his face so his brother wouldn't see the tears coming. His brothers wouldn't do this. They loved him, didn't they?

"Leo, how can you guys just leave me like this?" He asked, his voice strained with tears.

"Don't you care about us?" The eldest brother asked. "Do you really want to keep holding us back with your weakness? It's your problem, Donatello. Stop forcing it on the rest of us. But that's what you've always done, isn't it? If you can't fix it, come to your brothers and they'll do it for you, right? Doesn't matter if your forcing yourself on us. We try to give you a hint and you just keep coming back."

"What do you mean?" Don asked, sniffling. He slid down the wall, not uncovering his face. "We're brothers, I thought…"

"What do I mean? Are you serious?" Leonardo asked, smiling a bit. "Do you really think you mean anything to the rest of us?"

Both turtles stayed quiet, Donatello refusing to breath. It hurt. Every part of his body ached so much he couldn't even weep about it. Tears still came, but no air.

"I… I don't… I don't understand." he said, biting his lip.

Leonardo just turned around, not looking at his younger brothers pain.

"And you're supposed to be the smart one?"

Donatello woke up in a cold sweat, tears sweeping down his face. He wasn't breathing, and for a few moments he couldn't figure out why his torso hurt so bad. He finally breathed in deep, letting out a whimper when he let the breath out.

He sat up and checked every single one of the rooms in the house, making sure his entire family was still home. Making sure they were all peacefully sleeping, before walking back into his own room and sitting on the bed, feeling empty.

'It was just a dream… Just a dream…' he kept telling himself, but he couldn't stop himself from sobbing. Loud, obnoxious sounds of weeping that were just barely muffled enough by his door that all his family were left undisturbed.

A/N: Well… How about THAT for 'next chapter soon'? I had inspiration, and soda, and I had the energy to write it all down. I hope that none of you were too disturbed by the very blunt dream. By the way, Chi-Chan IS adorable, just so you all know.