Just a Shell

Chapter Seven

After they drank the tea, Donatello felt even worse then before. Now, coupled with his headache from his apparent seizure, he also felt sick to his stomach. There were only two calories in tea, Donatello knew from surfing a calorie counting website. But it was all carbohydrates which he didn't need. Carbohydrates are non-essentials in the body, only used to build up fat tissue… Which was the last thing in the world he would ever want. After leaving his sensei's room, he headed over towards the opening.

"Are you leaving, Don? I thought you wanted to catch some zee's?" Mikey asked when he noticed Donatello leaving the house. Donatello paused, then shook his head.

"I have a headache, I'm just going to go for a walk for a bit before I try lying down." he lied like a pro. He was getting so good at it, it sickened him.

Just as Donatello left the room, Splinter entered it, feeling worn and frustrated. Donatello was always the most well-behaved of his sons, perhaps second maybe to Leonardo, but he had never done anything that made Splinter fear for his safety. He sighed, watching his son leave even though he looked so tired.

"Michelangelo… You know I would never have you invade your brothers privacy on a normal basis, but…" He sighed. "I need you to trail behind your brother, and make sure he stays safe.."

"You think he's doing something bad out there?" Michelangelo asked, knowing that was very unlike his responsible brother.

"I suspect, but I can not act on suspicions alone. A good strategist does not make a plan until he knows all of the facts." Splinter said, bowing his head. "You are the closest to Donatello, he confides in you."

"Not lately." Mikey said, bowing his head as well.

Donatello strolled through the sewers, cursing. The pills hadn't helped at all, they just made it worse. Seizures? He knew that was a possibility, and yet…He took them anyway. How desperate was he going to get? It's not like he felt any faster, he actually had gotten worse. In training he was slower and clumsier then ever. He felt lazy and fat, and he was positive his brothers noticed. He had to get the tea out of him right now, before it digested and it was too late.

He dug into his belt, pulling out the bottle of pills. In the few days he'd had it, he'd already gone through four or five a day. He was so pathetic, he thought, lowering his head. But, even while thinking that, he twisted off the child-proof cap and took out another pill, dry-swallowing it on the spot. Then he shook his head, realizing he was just going to throw up the pill anyway. It was a waste now.

"I hate this." he whispered out loud. His voice cracked and he almost started to cry, but held it back.

He started down the sewer, not knowing that behind him his little brother was in the shadows, making sure he was safe. Donatello walked through the sewers until he felt like he was a safe distance away from his home, and his family. He sighed and crouched down, preparing himself. He had to do this, he told himself. If he didn't, he'd hate himself anyway.

As he moved his head forward, he became dizzy and threw his hand up against the wall to steady himself. When was the last time he digested food? He didn't even remember, it was so long ago. A month? Maybe more? Maybe less? He couldn't recall. He always threw up afterwards. He recalled having an orange a week or so ago that he let digest, but he couldn't remember why…

He sighed and put his head on the rock. Right. He needed to energy. He wasn't stupid. He had to let some things digest or he'd die. He knew that.

"Why am I acting so stupid?" he asked himself out loud, falling to his knees. He was supposed to be the smart one. He knew this stuff. "I had all of this planned, didn't I? This wasn't supposed to last so long…"

He cradled his head in his hands. He wasn't going to let it control him, before. But deep down he knew that the minute he lied to Splinter and his brothers, it had started controlling him. He shook those thoughts out of his head as fast as he could.

"I can't stop…" He whispered. "I'm not done yet."

And so Donatello gathered up his strength and turned back around, his head better now. He got back into his position and stuck his finger down his throat. It didn't take much to make it happen anymore. He just gave a small signal to his body that it was time to reject the food. His body responded perfectly. It didn't even hurt when it happened anymore. Or it did, but Donatello was used to the acidy pain now. He was so used to it now that it actually scared him a bit.

Michelangelo, still watching from behind, was shocked. It was so blatant that he couldn't even TRY to deny what Donatello was doing. But… Why? Why would Donatello do something like this? It wasn't like he threw up by accident, he wasn't sick. He was just… forcing himself to vomit. Why?

Soon he heard Don's footsteps and quickly hid himself again, afraid and unsure of what to do. Could he really tell Splinter what he just saw? He felt bad enough following his brother, but giving away this secret? But… He had to help his brother, didn't he? Telling Splinter was the only way he could do that.

But on the other hand, what if he had really misunderstood? Maybe Donatello hadn't forced himself to throw up. It could have been an after-affect of that seizure, he didn't know for sure. For now, he'd just have to trust Donatello.

'I'll talk to him.' he promised himself. He wouldn't go to Splinter until he knew the whole story, or at least had more to back up his claims.

Donatello was in his lab late that night, his eyes were getting blurry. He felt like he was going to fall over any second now. He still hadn't finished the bike, and it was killing him. No matter how much lighter he made it, it would never stay balanced enough to actually be used. He decided it was time for him to go to sleep and when he finally was able to pull himself up after the third try, he chalked it up to being tired.

No one had talked to him when he got back from his walk. They all looked worried, but seemed afraid to ask anything, which was fine with Donnie.

Once he reached his room he didn't even turn on the light, instead he just fell into bed. He didn't have the energy to do anything. His entire day had just gone from bad to worse. He closed his eyes and started falling asleep instantly.

Donatello immediately woke up a bit when he heard a small noise from outside his room. He knew his brothers had gone to bed hours ago and most of them were sound sleepers and wouldn't wake up until morning. He grabbed for his staff, but the darkness coupled with his dizziness made it a clumsy one and he almost missed it entirely. Luckily he was able to keep hold of the bo and he turned towards the door. He let go of the staff instantly when he saw who it was who was at the door.

Michelangelo was standing at the door, looking nervous to say the least. There was a moment of silence, and Donatello already knew what was wrong. It had been awhile since the last one, but he never discounted on Michelangelo's night terrors.

"Hey Mikey." He said, smiling. "You okay?"

"… I had a nightmare." Mike admitted. Even though he was older now, he always came to Donnie when he had a nightmare. Raphael would always yell at him for waking him up at night, and Leonardo always would give him lectures about eating before bed. Donatello was the only one willing to just share the bed and comfort him.

"Are you alright?" Donatello asked, scooting over so his little brother could sit down on the bed. It didn't even cross his mind that Mikey was too old to share a bed with him; the poor orange ninja had horrible nightmares. It probably was because he ate before bed, but Don didn't say that. Michelangelo nodded and sat down on the bed that was offered, hanging his head sleepily. "Wanna tell me about it?"

He was surprised when his little brother shook his head. Usually Mikey would spend a good twenty minutes recounting the nightmare that had woken him, explaining every detail as one would recount a Hollywood blockbuster. But his silence worried Donatello.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Can I just stay in here tonight?" Michelangelo asked back, not really letting his fear drip into his voice too much, but it was there.

"Sure." Donnie said brightly. His bed was big enough for two turtles, for sure. And it wasn't as if he could let Mikey go back to him room alone and frightened.

So Donatello turned off the light and laid down in his bed, and his little brother did the same. Donatello wrapped his arms around Michelangelo protectively. He had really… really missed taking care of his little brother. He liked the feeling. He liked the Mikey came to him, and not Leo or Raph. It made him feel like he was doing something right, when he was usually always wrong.

"You okay, bro?" he asked quietly, feeling Mikey shake.

Michelangelo nodded, holding Donatello's arm close to him. His nightmare kept racing through his mind. His brother was there, holding his hand and leading him somewhere, where he couldn't remember, and then he just… disappeared. He didn't run away or even poof into thin air. It just became harder and harder to see him, until before Mikey even noticed it his brother had evaporated. Then the whole dream turned dark. Donatello's voice kept asking for help but Mikey had no idea where it was coming from, and he couldn't move because he was so afraid of the dark.

Then he woke up. His first reaction was the same every time after a nightmare, and he came straight to Donatello's room so he could sleep there. He felt like a child, but it could have been worse. When he was a kid, he'd drag his blanket with him the whole way. At least he wasn't that childish.

"Don?"

"Yeah?" Donatello answered sleepily.

"You're arm feels weird…" he said, running his hand up and down the arm. It was so much skinnier then he remembered. He could never feel bone before. There was a silence and Donatello shrugged.

"Must be your imagination." He said, but if it weren't so dark Mikey would have seen a blush creeping up on Donatello's face.

'He's just feeling the extra weight…' he thought, angry at himself for not being able to comfort his brother without having to think about how disgusting he was. He shook his head and tried to change the subject.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked. "Want some water?"

"Nah… I'm fine." Mikey said, not letting go of Donnie. "But…"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep..."

"You'll be fine." Donatello promised, smiling. "Just count backwards from one-hundred."

Mikey nodded, but didn't even attempting to do as his brother suggested.

"I'm really worried about you, bro." he admitted. He held Donatello's arm close to himself. "You've been so… like, far-away lately.""You wanted to say distant… And I've been working. I'm sorry, Mikey." Donatello said, being completely honest. "I'll try to see you more."

"You're… skinny." Michelangelo said, till keeping Donatello's arm close. "Like, stick-thin… I didn't see before but… But it's scary."

Donatello paused and tried to pull away from Mike when the words registered, but his younger brother held strong. Mikey didn't want to let go. He felt like if he did Don would run away, which wasn't far from the truth.

"How long have you been doing that to yourself, Donnie?" he asked, not looking up at his brother. There were already tears in his eyes. "I saw you. Why would you do that?"

"What did you see me doing?" Donatello asked, not knowing what Mikey meant even though deep down he did.

"You know what I saw!" Mikey yelled, squeezing Donatello's arm to the point of pain. "Sticking your finger down your throat… Making yourself throw up… Why?"

There was a long pause and Donatello lowered his head, he was so angry he was shaking.

"Why did you follow me?!" he asked still trying to pull away. "Why is it any of your business what I do?!"

Michelangelo tucked his body into itself and bit his lip, still holding on.

"Don't pull away…" he muttered. "I'm sorry. I was just scared…"

He didn't tell Donatello that Splinter had told him to follow. That would have made Donatello even angrier. Finally Donatello freed his arm and stood up, looking down at Mikey with angry eyes.

"Get out." he ordered. His brother didn't move. "Get out of my room Michelangelo!!"

The youngest turtle didn't leave, though he did stand up, and looked Donatello in the eyes.

"I just want to know why." he said, not blinking. "Please…"

Donatello crushed his teeth together, then took a deep breath.

"Does it even matter?" he asked, licking his lips.

"Of course it does!"

"It doesn't." Donatello said sternly. "And if you care about me at all you'll leave, now!"

Michelangelo stood up, but then wavered.

"I… I have to tell Splinter, you know…" he said, not looking at his older brother.

"OUT!" Donatello yelled pushing Mikey towards the door. The youngest brother did instantly, and Donatello fell backwards onto his bed, dizzy and upset.

'How could he do that to me?' he wondered. Michelangelo was always the kindest of his brothers… How could he have followed him like that? 'Now what? He's going to tell Splinter. And then what? I mean… What will happen then? I don't… I don't have any idea…'

Donatello buried his head into his pillow, scared stiff. What if they all really did overreact? He'd read things online, about families forcing their children to eat, locking them up in hospitals… He couldn't go to a hospital, obviously. But what if they overreacted like that? He didn't want to have to deal with anything like that…

Then his mind switched to the side of him that worried what his brothers thought of him. Did he just scare Mikey? What about when Leo found out? And if Splinter found out, Leonardo WOULD find out, and then Raphael… And they would all… Would they think even less of him then they already did? Maybe… Maybe they'd be happy… It wasn't like they weren't the ones who wanted him to be lighter in the first place. He was just doing what they wanted. But he knew they wouldn't see it that way. He had to talk to Mikey, right now… He could convince him not to tell Splinter.

He went straight to Michelangelo's room first, but there was no sign of his brother. The bed was still messy from his nightmare, and Donatello felt a pang of guilt for yelling at his brother. He went to the kitchen next, which he had been avoiding for months now, but he wasn't there, either. He checked the living room as well, but there was still no sign of his brother. Finally, he heard muffled voices… From Splinters room.

Donatello made no effort to be quiet as he made his way to his father's room. He could hear them talking from the other side of the door, which was left partly open, as the rule stated. Splinter never closed his door, just like the dojo.

"You've done the right thing in telling me this, Michelangelo." Splinter's voice said.

"I'm worried." Michelangelo replied.

"It will be all right, my son." Splinter replied. "We will help your brother."

"But he… I don't think he wants help, Sensei." his brother said, making Donatello lower his head. "He seemed… He seemed like he didn't want …"

"Just because Donatello does not ask for your help, does not mean he does not require it." Splinter said, Donnie heard something move, though he wasn't sure what had been moved. "He may not even realize that he needs our aid."

Donatello shifted in his spot, not sure what to do, or what to think. He didn't want help, if it meant they would stop him from doing what he had too… He needed to lose weight. They had been the ones to say so in the first place! He looked down at himself, and then sighed. What was he supposed to do?

"Donatello, would you like to come in now?"

Donnie froze at the sound of Splinters voice. He should have known his father had heard him standing there, but he didn't want to move. He couldn't face Mikey right now, after everything he had done? It was too much. He didn't want to go in there and see his brother's face, he was so confused and hurt. Donatello already knew that face, he didn't need to see it again.

But, even though he did not move, he ended up seeing the face either way as Splinter opened his door fully. Michelangelo was standing across from him now, looking so worried. Donatello hated seeing his younger brother so upset, but he didn't see any way to stop it.

"Come in, my son. We will talk."

Still, the smartest, and now thinnest, brother did not move. He just stared at his father, obviously frightened. Splinter just bowed his head and looked on, concerned for his son. It showed on his face.

"Donatello, will you not speak with me?" Splinter asked.

He shook his head, looking down at the floor.

"Mikey told you the truth…" he said, shaking his head. "I'm so… so sick of lying."

Splinter nodded, stepping aside so Donatello could come into the room. Donatello took the hint and walked in, avoiding any eye contact with Mikey. His eyes were moist, but he didn't know what to do. His mind was screaming at him to leave, but… He really just… Needed his father.

For months he had avoided Splinter. He hadn't looked him in the eyes. He'd lied, and stolen, and yelled at his family. He hated himself even more now then before he'd begun.

"Michelangelo, we will talk in the morning. Until then, go to sleep." Splinter said, while Donatello looked at the wall. He heard Mikey leave, but didn't turn and neither one said goodnight. "Donatello?"

Donnie looked up, though he couldn't meet Splinter's eyes.

"Donatello, sit down. I'll make some tea."

"I can't drink it." Donnie said instantly, looking away from his father. He wasn't going to come clean about all of this while sucking down calories. He wouldn't be able to concentrate. He'd just be thinking about getting rid of it. Splinter seemed to understand, or at least he was wise enough to know not to push him, and he sat down across from his son.

"Please, my son… Tell me when this started."

Donatello bit his lip, but nodded and took a deep breath.

"It… I mean… I was just… Just supposed to lose some weight." He said, looking at the floor with tears in his eyes. "But I didn't. I kept trying and trying, but it didn't work."

"Why did you think you needed to lose weight?" Splinter asked, his voice held no judgment, which calmed Donatello down a bit.

"I-I was the worst. The slowest when we fought. I… I heard my brothers talking, and… And they said some things… I just felt like if I stopped eating… and trained more that… that I would be better." Donatello confessed, sniffling.

Splinter nodded, his eyes showed his worry. He wanted to correct his son, tell him that he was one of his best students, and tell him about all his good points, but he needed to keep Donatello talking, ask all of his questions now, in case Donatello closed up again later on.

"And when not eating didn't work… When I noticed that you weren't eating and made you eat with your brothers, that is when..?" He didn't need to finish, Donatello nodded.

"I'm sorry… I just… I couldn't start eating again." he said, wrapping one arm around the other. "I felt like I had to finish what I started. And in practice… I was just getting worse, not better."

His father nodded, but for a moment said nothing, which prompted Donatello to keep talking. He needed to confess everything, including his biggest sin.

"Father… I… When that didn't work… I-I hated it." he said, his tears overflowing just a bit. He simply lowered his head and continued. "And when Mikey and I went topside, I stole pills…"

"Pills?" Splinter asked, obviously confused.

"Diet pills, or something." Donatello said, layered with guilt. "I don't know why I did it. Nothing else was working, and I didn't… I didn't know what else to do. So I just took them."

Splinter sighed with disappointment, and Donatello wiped his face with his arm. That's when he noticed he was shaking.

"Donatello, I am saddened that you took what was not yours…" Splinter said, looking directly at his son who would not meet his gaze. "But you are forgiven… You are brave, coming to me with this."

Donatello shook his head, he wasn't brave. He was a coward. He let the tears fall again, his shaking got worse. It was too much, too fast. He didn't want this to happen. His father knew. Mikey knew. They both must have thought he was so… pathetic. Going through all of this and still being so slow and heavy. He knew that was what they had both thought.

"My son, please look at me." Splinter requested. Donatello met his gaze, eyes filled with tears. "I will help you. Your brothers shall help you as well. I… regret that we did not notice sooner. I was negligent with you."

Donatello bit his lip and looked away.

"I… I don't think I can stop." he said honestly. "I'll just lie more, keep going. I know I will."

"If you believe you will; I'm sure you will." Splinter said, standing up. "But we will manage what comes to us, and you will get through this. With your family."

"Do you have to tell them?" Donatello asked, standing up as well. "Do they… do they really have to know?"

"Donatello, your brothers care for you. They love you." Splinter said, looking him in the eyes. "You will need them."

"I hate being the weakest…" Donnie whispered, looking away. Then he felt a pair of strong, yet thin arms around his shoulders. Splinter wrapped around him, comforting him like when he was a child."You are not the weakest, my son." Splinter said, holding his son close. "You are strong. Don't forget."

Donatello didn't reply, but his eyes welled up again. When Splinter let go, there were streams down his face which he had to wipe away. Splinter straightened himself and cleared his throat softly.

"Donatello, please bring me your pills. Tonight." he said. "And then get some rest."

The brainy turtle nodded, going towards his room. He cursed himself, because his first though was how he was going to sneak a few pills out of the container before giving them to his father.

A/N: Hey! It's been awhile! Sorry about that. Colleges don't apply for themselves! BUT I hope the fact that this chapter is twice as long as my normal chapters will make up for it. I tried to make the talk between Splinter and Donatello pretty dramatic, so I hope that shined through. Splinter is a very caring kind of dad, so he really just wants to help even though he doesn't understand (which will become obvious in later chapters). So look forward to the next chapter! I hope it will be out before, like, Christmas! XDD