Just a Shell

Chapter Eight

When Donatello woke up the next morning, his head was pounding like a drum. It hurt like shell, and he had to cradle it in both hands the second he was in a sitting position. He groaned and rubbed his temples, not understanding why he hurt so badly. He hadn't even worked out recently outside of practice, since Splinter forbid it… And then he remembered the night before.

At first he didn't know how to feel, and then his entire body fell back onto his bed. He didn't want to have to deal with his father right now. Not if it meant having to talk about his eating. Or lack thereof. It didn't matter how nice Splinter had been yesterday, he knew what today was going to be. Everyone would be shoving food into his face, wondering why he wouldn't eat even though he just couldn't eat.

Combined with the fact that his sensei already conveyed that he was going to tell his brothers today. If he didn't already, Donatello knew the two brothers, who were still 'in the dark' as it were, would find out at some point that day. Leonardo… He would naturally want to discuss the entire thing to death, even if Donatello told him he didn't want to talk about it. It was his way of worrying, but it was annoying and relentless. Raphael, Donnie told himself, wouldn't care at all. In fact, even though Donatello didn't really feel like his brother would hurt him like that, he half suspected Raphael would be happy with the whole thing.

After sitting in his bed for a good hour, he decided it would probably be a good idea to show his face soon, to save his brothers the trouble of coming in to wake him up. He lifted himself off the bed, and paused for the routine room-spin. It was pretty much a habit for Donnie now to hold onto something as he stood up, because he always stumbled when he didn't.

He threw on his mask, and looking inside his desk drawer. Six pills were hidden inside his book on mechanics. There had been ten left in the bottle, but he knew if he took them all from the bottle Splinter would have realized, but he still wanted some. He wasn't going to take them unless he really, really needed too, he promised himself. He felt bad, because he was already lying again, but at least he had told his father everything.

Donatello shut the dresser drawer and started out to the living room, still rubbing his temples. His head hurt so much. He needed some water, he hoped that would make it better. Donnie started walking to the bathroom, but then stopped when he saw his brothers gathered in the living room, all looking directly at him. They had turned the moment his door opened.

He could tell that Splinter, or maybe Mikey, had already told them. Leonardo looked troubled, while Raphael just looked confused. Donatello took two steps towards them, then immediately turned around.

"Donnie, wait." Leonardo said. It was not an order, but it was a request.

Donatello stopped, and turned around but didn't look at them. Apparently Leo didn't exactly think of what he would say, because there was a noticeably long silence.

"Donnie… I… Maybe do you want some breakfast?" Leonardo asked, obviously a bit beside himself.

"No thanks." Donatello said, testing his boundaries a bit. Leonardo let him sneak by without breakfast, he might stand a chance.

'If I pretend it's not a big deal, maybe they won't make a big deal out of it…'

"Don--" Mikey started, but Leonardo motioned for him not to say anything.

"Something small?" Leonardo offered.

"You don't have to act like anything's changed." Donatello aid defensively. He knew this would happen. Now Leonardo was making it his responsibility to 'fix' him. "Don't make a huge deal out of anything."

There was a silence and Donatello started walking to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Leo asked. Donnie blinked and looked over.

"Bathroom. For water. That okay?" He asked sarcastically, but not meanly. He was trying to downplay everything, even though he could tell already it wasn't working.

Leonardo crossed his arms, not knowing what to do next. That's when Mikey spoke up again."What about juice?"

"I have a headache… Things with sugar would make it worse." Donatello reasoned, thankful that he didn't have to lie for once, though his excuse was a stretched one.

"Just eat somethin' already." Raphael said, though his voice was a tad quieter then normal, it held it's usual irritation.

"Raph!" Leo barked, making both Donnie and Mikey jump. The leader noticed and looked at Donatello apologetically, though the purple-sashed turtle had no clue why. "Sorry, but… He's right, Donnie. You should try to eat something."

'They're still in denial.' Donnie thought hopefully. 'If I eat something then they might think that it was just overreacting.'

Donatello smiled inwardly at his logic and then at Leonardo.

"I guess I'll have some toast." he said, trying to sound convincing.

Leonardo grinned like he had made some huge breakthrough, Mikey smirked and ran into the kitchen, and it would appear that everyone in the family was happy with this new 'breakthrough'. But Donatello saw Raphael roll his eyes with an exaggerated sigh. His resolve wavered a bit, wondering if freedom from his family was worth proving to Raph that he was just a 'pig', but he couldn't back out now. Michelangelo was already making him toast, apparently.

When he walked into the kitchen he noticed Mikey making quite a bit else, probably breakfast for the other three turtles. He smelled burning, and rolled his eyes with fatigue as he realized Michelangelo had left eggs on the stove when he heard Donnie's door open.

"Here you go!" Mikey said, his normal exuberant self as he set down the two slices of toast on the table.

Donatello nodded and sat down at the place, and his brothers all sat down with their own foods at their spots. The intellectual turtle looked around, all three of them were looking directly at him. He gulped, not wanting the attention, but he told himself to deal with it.

He picked up the first of four slices, and saw that Mikey had spread butter on it. That was… Thatg was way past the limit he had put on himself and more in the first bite. He had estimated, maybe, one hundred and fifty calories for toast. With butter, that bumped it up to four hundred or more… He stared at the slice in his hand, debating.

"Donnie?" Leonardo asked.

Donatello looked up. Eyes were still on him. Mikey had taken a few bites and was posed with his fork in hand, but he was watching. Leonardo was directly across from him, fork on the table but he had eaten a bit, his arms were at his sides. Raphael was on his right, he hadn't even taken a bite yet. He was staring right at Donnie, his brows twisted in confusion with his arms sitting on the tabletop. Donatello gulped again, looking away. Why were they all staring at him? How was he supposed to eat if they were all watching him like that?

So he went for the first bite, just for show. Trying to get their eyes to go elsewhere. Reassuring them that they didn't have to watch. But then it just sat in his mouth. It was scratchy. He could feel the butter on the top of the crispy bread, but he didn't make a move to chew. It was so… peculiar. He felt disgusted with this bite of food in his mouth… But they didn't look away, so he tried to chew.

The chewing echoed in his ears, the taste on his tongue made him think of vomit. He only chewed twice before grabbing a napkin and spitting the entire bite into it. He folded it in, hoped his brothers wouldn't notice, but without even looking up (which he hadn't for a long time), he knew all eyes where still on him, and he knew that they all had seen him spit out the bite. He couldn't help it. It was just… nauseating. The smell, the taste, the sound of himself eating… It all made him queasy. He took a drink of the water sitting by his plate, but then spit that back into the glass, as well. It cleared the taste from his mouth, but only a little. He could still practically feel the brittle toast on his tongue; even though he had done everything to get it off..

His heartbeat accelerated, he could feel it in his chest. His hand trembled and he placed down the toast, though he didn't let go of it. He looked at the tabletop, taking deep breaths. Was he having a panic attack? It felt like it. He looked back up at his brothers. They were still looking at him!

"I… I have to go." he said, standing up quickly.

"Donatello?…" Michelangelo started, but he trailed off. His eyes were wide.

"I-I can't." Donatello replied, still looking at the table. "Sorry, I just… I have to get some air."

He ran out of the room as fast as possible, his chair screeching as he pushed it out of his way. He went straight for the tunnel opening, not pausing when he saw Splinter out of the corner of his eyes. He didn't stop until he was a good mile away in the subway tunnels. He didn't run, he didn't have the energy for that. He walked as quickly as he could. He just… He couldn't eat.

After Donatello ran out, his brothers stayed in the kitchen, all trying to figure out what to make of their brother. Michelangelo was already sure that Donnie wouldn't eat, he hadn't even expected an attempt, but he had known longer then his brothers. Leonardo thought that all his little brother had needed was a reminded to eat, like Donnie had just forgotten. Raphael, on the other hand, had thought everyone had been making a big deal over nothing. He didn't believe that Donatello had a problem, until now.

"He's real messed up, ain't he?" Raph asked, his voice low and his head down. He didn't look up at his brothers, who were still at the table with him.

"He's not…" Mikey started loudly, and then paused. "… He's not messed up…"

"I know he's not, Mike…" Leonardo told him, trying to be careful with his younger brothers emotions. "We know he's not."

Leo gave Raphael a very pointed look, wrapping his arm around Michelangelo's shoulder. Mikey didn't shrug him off, but he didn't look up from the table either. Leonardo knew he was confused, they all were, but Mikey was more sensitive then they were, more naive. He didn't understand why in the world anyone would stop eating on purpose, especially someone as smart as his older brother Donnie. He was a genius, they all knew it…

"Should we go look for him?" Raphael asked, standing up. Leonardo glanced up, surprised that Raphael would ever actually ask for any sort of direction.

"Maybe… We should give him some space." Leonardo guessed, as lost as his brothers.

"It's… It's not like… He could throw up…" Mikey said weakly, smiling weakly. "…right?"

Leonardo sighed, shaking his brother lightly to make him feel better. Raphael growled and stood up, obviously frustrated, and kicked the table, making his cup of milk splash over onto the table.

"Raph!" Leonardo started sternly, but his brother turned away.

"I'm going to the dojo." Raphael said, starting out. Leonardo didn't stop him.

The oldest brother sighed and went to pick up the milk, normally something he would never do. He needed to keep his hands busy. Once he'd finished that, he looked over at Mike, who was still sitting in his seat. He was eating now, though, which Leonardo thought was a pretty good thing. He nodded at his brother before leaving the room, telling him he was going to go meditate and to call if he needed anything. Mikey didn't bother looking up as his brother left, as he cleaned his plate and reached for Donatello's toast.

Leonardo had no idea what to do, so after meditating for a good hour, he left his room to see Splinter. He needed to know what his father thought of all of this. When he first told them, he was very grave, but for some reason it didn't sink in. Not until now.

"Sensei?" Leonardo asked, opening his father's door. "Sensei, can I talk to you?"

He saw his father looking intently at a bottle of bills, looking solemn. His eyes were narrowed, his brows crooked nervously.

"Certainly, my son." Splinter said, inviting Leonardo in. Leonardo sat down from across his father and lowered the bottle.

"What are those?" Leonardo asked, looking at the bottle.

"Something your brother has been taking, recently…" Splinter said, his voice upset. He passed the pills to Leonardo. "Read."

Leonardo looked at the bottle. White, simple, clean. The words where all black. Phentermisine. It was some sort of weight-loss drug, or something. He turned the bottle around in his hand, his eyes brought to the bolded text on the back.

WARNING: Do not take Phentermisine if you have:

A thyroid disorder;

Anxiety disorder;

Diabetes; or

Epilepsy or other seizure disorders.

Use of this medication my enhance or increase the dangers of the effects of these diseases.

Leonardo blinked, then made the connection. Donnie's seizure. These has been the cause. That explained why he had randomly had an attack after such a long time…

"But… Wouldn't Donnie have read the directions?" Leonardo asked. This was the same guy who refused to give Raphael more then two aspirin because the back of the bottle said so.

"Your brother's mind has become muddled with many conflicting thoughts and emotions, Leonardo." Splinter told him, lowering his head and taking back the pills. "What he would normally have paid close attention to was overlooked in his turmoil."

Leonardo looked down, then up at his sensei.

"I don't know what to do, Splinter." he said, biting his lip. "How do I help him?"

There was a long, ominous pause, where Splinter took deep breaths, as if mid-meditation.

"I do not know anymore then you what Donatello has been thinking, or how it escalated to such a dangerous level." Splinter told him. "But it has, and the only way we can help him is by trying to understand what has been going through his mind for weeks… Months… Escaping our notice."

Leonardo lowered his head even more, filled with guilt. How did he not notice his brother was acting so strange? He had, really… He just didn't think it was so serious. He told Splinter about breakfast,, about how Donatello ran away from the very thought of eating, how Raphael stormed into the dojo, and how upset Michelangelo had gotten. When he was finished, Splinter stayed silent for a few moments, then stood up.

"Your brothers need you to be a strong leader now more then ever, Leonardo. They are hurt and confused, all of them. They need you there to help them, and that is all you can do for now." his father told him sternly, then nodded at him. "I must meditate."

Leonardo bowed and left his fathers room, walking out into the living room. On his way he heard Raphael beating on a punching bag loudly. Mikey was on the couch, asleep. His stomach was making weird noises, and when he went into the kitchen he saw why.

Not a drop of food was left. Raphael and Leonardo had both skipped breakfast, the food had already been made, and now it was all gone. Probably into Mikey, who ate when he was upset. Leo cursed and started picking up the plates.

'Damnit Mikey… I don't need you getting an eating disorder too…' he thought, looking out to his brother.

Yo. What did you guys think? LOOKIE! It came out within a month of the last chapter! =D It's just a look at how the brothers are feeling, mostly... I thought we should get a good look about how they were dealing with this, especially Mikey because I had decided how he was going to deal with it before I even started writing the first chapter (Since Michelangelo is my second favorite). Thank you SO much for everyone who reviewed my last chapter, you guys were so sweet. I love reading the reviews, and they really motivate me, so keep them coming! Thank you!