FAMILY
CHAPTER 9
I know you may be expecting another Mike and Sarah story. But for continuity I need to stay with Bobby and Annie a little longer, with a bit of Alex thrown in. I think I only have two more chapters for Mike and Sarah in this story anyway; unless it runs off with me while I'm writing, which happens from time to time. The time frame for this chapter starts just before "Unrequited".
And thanks as always to Spook for catching all my typos!
Alex sat in her sister's living room, in the rocking chair that her mother had rocked her and each of her siblings in. She was holding her nephew close to her as she fed him a bottle. It had been two weeks since she had strained and pushed, sweat pouring from her, to bring this amazingly perfect child into the world. It was still hard to believe that she carried him inside of her, under her heart, for nine months. While they had seemed endless months at the time, now it seemed as though they had passed in the blink of an eye.
Because the pediatrician assured them that breast milk, even if it was pumped and then fed to him in a bottle and even if only for a few weeks, would give him the best start in life, she had made the commitment to provide for him at least until she returned to work. The bottle she was now feeding to him was, in fact, milk pumped from her own breasts. Her sister was also supplementing with formula. As the time approached for her to return to work, Liz would gradually replace the breast milk with formula. While Alex was willing to continue providing breast milk until he was old enough to be weaned from the bottle, she knew that her work would make it difficult at best.
She smiled as she thought about the look on her partner's face if she excused herself from a crime scene to go out to the car and pull out a breast pump. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't faze Goren in the least. He would most likely quote some obscure article from the AMA Journal of Medicine about a little-known benefit of breast-feeding and then go back to poking and sniffing a dead body.
She hugged the solid little body closer to her and inhaled the intoxicating baby scent of him. She gazed at the porcelain skin of his face and watched as one tiny hand kneaded her larger hand as he sucked on the nipple of the bottle. His eyes were closed and periodically he would suddenly stop sucking and smile around the nipple as though enjoying some beautiful dream. Then he would begin sucking again.
She wondered how it was possible to be so deeply and completely in love with someone she had only met two weeks ago. No, she had met him much earlier than that. She had known this child intimately from the moment he first made her throw up. She had felt the changes he brought to her body, seen the first signs of her belly expanding and growing round, felt him move inside her, flutters at first and then by the last month strong kicks and what felt like somersaults, the hours of labor with great, wracking contractions and warm amniotic fluid flowing down her legs. During the hours of labor she had felt as though she and this baby were working together on some important, life-changing event. And so they were.
She was unprepared for the emotions that rushed through her at her first sight of him; wrinkled, slimy, covered in vernix, face red and scrunched in protest, as angry cries announced that so far he was not impressed with his new environment. Alex had felt a new and intense love that was both possessive and protective. It was unlike the love she had for her parents or her sister and brothers. Unlike, even, the deep passionate love she had shared with Joe.
She looked at him now, at his pink mouth forming a perfect O around the silicone nipple and had a sudden urge to feel that mouth around her own nipple. She wanted to give him, not just her milk, but her breast as well. To feel the sucking pull on her breast, causing her uterus to contract. To have his white lace-draped bassinet next to her own bed in her own house. To wake up at 2:00 AM to the sounds of his insistent cries and reach over to pull him into her bed, cuddle his warm body against hers, and nurse him back to sleep. This tiny body had grown inside hers and felt like it was part of her own. Yet he wasn't a part of her, no more than any nephew was a part of his aunt; he had grown inside her but his DNA had come from Liz's egg and Bill's sperm. He was completely and totally their child.
She took a deep breath and looked around to see where her sister was, afraid the expression on her face would give her away. Liz had been ecstatic when Alex confirmed she was pregnant. But about the time Alex began to feel the baby move for the first time, Liz had begun to watch her carefully for signs of regret. Since his birth she could feel the eyes of every one of her family silently following her, especially when she was holding the baby. She could almost hear their thoughts. "Is she sorry she did this?" "Does she wish he were her baby?" "Was it a mistake to ask her to do this?" "Is it reopening the pain of losing Joe and the dream of children they had planned to have?"
The truth was that there were times, like now, when she wanted more than anything to take him away with her and never let him out of her sight. But the image in her mind of seeing Liz's face as she watched her son emerge from her sister's body and the sheer joy and wonder as she held him for the first time renewed her own delight at being able to do this for her. She didn't regret it for a moment.
But she was tired of constantly proving to everyone that she was OK, that she wasn't about to fall apart at being separated from him. If she could truly share her occasional feelings of wishing he was her baby, of wishing that it were she and Joe standing with their arms around one another as they watched him sleep, of wishing that she is the one who would one day hear that precious word "Mommy" coming from him, maybe then those feelings would dissipate and fade. But she could see the guilt on Liz's face as she watched Alex with him and knew that no one in her family would understand that they were just feelings that were temporary and were not going to destroy her.
She sighed and thought about the four weeks looming ahead before she would return to work. Work. That was what she needed. Work had been the only thing that saved her from the deep grief after Joe was killed. She needed to be behind the wheel of the department-issue SUV and drive her peculiar partner to a crime scene. She needed to pull on latex gloves and walk carefully around blood spatters. She needed to bounce ideas and theories off of Goren and have him bounce his own off of her. She needed to feel the exhilaration of catching someone in a lie and saying, "No see…" as she and Goren ripped apart a suspect's legerdemain. She needed to work.
The baby had finished the bottle, so she set it aside and lifted him up on her shoulder and patted and rubbed his back until a loud burp rocked his body. She held him for a moment, nuzzling her face against the downy softness of his hair and enjoying the feel of him cuddled against her. Then she got up and carefully laid him in the bassinet. Alex went to the kitchen where Liz was making lunch.
"I'm going back to work," she announced.
Liz looked up in surprise. "In four more weeks," she said.
"No, I can't wait that long. I'm going home right now and calling Captain Deakins."
"But Alex, you're supposed to be off for six weeks! You can't go back now. Your body needs time to recuperate."
"I'm fine, Liz. Really. I'll take it easy and sit at the desk until I'm ready. But I'm going crazy at home. I need to be back at work."
Liz looked at her and Alex saw the self-doubt and guilt forming in her expression. She went over and hugged her.
"Liz, you know that I wouldn't change a thing," she said softly. "But I need to get back to my life."
Liz hugged her back, and then wiped her tears. She nodded and said, "OK, Alex. You know what you need better than anyone else. Do what you need to."
Alex stepped back and wiped her own tears. "I'll keep pumping breast milk before and after work for a few weeks, but you'll need to start weaning him to formula completely."
Liz nodded and they hugged again before Alex left. She drove home and settled on the couch. She took a deep breath and then pushed the speed dial. He picked it up on the third ring.
"Deakins," said the voice at the other end.
Annie was curled up on the couch, reading. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and she had the house completely to herself. It was a bit unsettling. When her days off fell during the week, she would be alone in the house while the children were in school. But usually she was busy cleaning, sewing, or she went to the church to work in the soup kitchen. To have an entire afternoon alone with nothing she had to do should have been a dream come true. But the reason she was alone was because Bobby had taken the children to Carmel Ridge to see his mother. Frances had not relented and still refused to see Annie.
After his first visit without Annie, she realized that she wouldn't be there to give Frances a manicure. It had become a routine for them; something that they both enjoyed, along with gossip or listening to Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin. Annie called the administrator and arranged for Frances to have a weekly manicure from the girl who came to the facility three days a week. She also arranged for her to have a pedicure once a month. Annie told the administrator that she would take care of the bill, but to tell Frances that Bobby was responsible for the arrangements.
The phone rang and Annie looked at the caller ID. "Eames, Alex" it said. Annie picked up and said, "Alex! How are you? How is that beautiful nephew?"
"Still beautiful," laughed Alex, "and growing incredibly fast. I had no idea that if you blink you will miss something."
Annie laughed with her. "Be careful or the next thing you know he'll be graduating from high school."
"I can't even imagine that right now," Alex sighed. "Is Bobby home?"
"No, he went to see his mother this afternoon."
"Without you?"
Annie hesitated and tried to keep her voice cheerful when she answered. "Yeah, there were some things I needed to get done around here. So Bobby took the kids with him to Carmel Ridge. He has his cell phone if you need to talk to him. Or I can give him a message."
"Well," now it was Alex who hesitated. "I just wanted to let him know that I'll be coming back to work tomorrow."
Annie laughed merrily. "Oh brother! I needed a good laugh today, Alex!"
"I…uh…I'm serious, Annie."
Annie sobered. "You can't be serious Alex! It's only been two weeks!"
"I know. I just need to get back to work. I'm going crazy here at home. I called Captain Deakins a little while ago and talked to him about it. I'll take it easy, but….I, well, I can't explain, but I just need to do this. I just wanted to let Bobby know. I know there'll be comments and questions from the others, but I thought maybe Bobby would…just…let me be. You know?"
"Sure, I understand. Do you want me to tell him?"
"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you, Annie."
"You're welcome. You know….if you ever want to talk….about anything…I can be a good listener."
There was silence for a moment and Annie waited. Finally Alex said softly, "I don't regret having him, you know?"
"But…..?"
"But sometimes I can't help wishing he was mine. Mine and Joe's. I have these moments of feeling so jealous of Liz. And then I feel guilty because she tried for so long to have a baby and I really, really wanted to do this for her."
"Well, I can't say I know anything about being a surrogate mother, but that sounds normal to me. You carried him for nine months, went through labor and delivery, and now you have all these hormones rushing around; hormones that are meant to promote bonding with the baby you just gave birth to."
"You aren't worried I might go off my rocker and kidnap him?"
"Hardly." Annie laughed. "I don't see Alex Eames going off her rocker."
"My family all look at me like I might snap any minute. I feel Liz worrying that she has ruined my life by asking me to do this." Alex sighed. "I just need to concentrate on something else and get away from all this scrutiny."
"I understand," Annie told her. "If this is what you need to do then do it. Just don't overdo, OK?"
"I promise, Nurse," Alex laughed. "Will you give Bobby the message? And…you can tell him the rest if you want. I just don't want to have to answer a lot of questions at work."
"I'll tell him. And don't worry. There probably won't be as many questions as you think."
They said good bye and Annie hung up. She settled back on the couch with her book and tried to concentrate. She offered up a little prayer for Alex, her sister, and the baby. Finally she got up and went next door to see her friend, Janey. Janey left her husband in charge of their children and she and Annie went to a movie. It was a fun, relaxing, diverting afternoon.
She had dinner ready by the time Bobby and the kids returned home. As they ate and throughout the evening, the children kept up a constant chatter about their day with Grandma. Annie side-stepped once again their questions about why she hadn't gone with them. Bobby was quiet all evening, not saying much about his mother. Since Thanksgiving there had been a distance between them, evident even when they were making love, and Annie was at a loss to know how to bridge it.
After the children were in bed, Bobby disappeared as usual to his office. Annie followed him down to the basement, finding him at his desk reading. She sat in the chair on the other side of the desk, feeling a bit like a job applicant being interviewed by a prospective employer. He looked up at her, smiling as he put his book down. She didn't speak right away, drawing designs on the smooth oak desktop with her fingertip as they both waited in silence.
"So….how is your mother?" she finally asked.
"She's fine. No more episodes."
Annie was quiet for a moment. Finally she laid her hand on the desk and looked up at him.
"Did she…..has she….." Bobby waited for her to continue. "She….hasn't changed her mind, has she?"
"No," he said softly. Annie swallowed and nodded her head. She put her elbow on the desk and rested her chin on her hand, giving Bobby a small smile of resignation.
"Mom said she had a manicure yesterday," he said. "Her nails looked nice." He stopped for a moment and looked at Annie. "She thanked me for arranging for her to have a manicure every week."
"You didn't….you didn't tell her that I arranged it, did you?"
"No, but I thought maybe I should."
Annie smiled again. "No, let her think it was you. If she knew it was me she would probably refuse them, and it's such a small thing that gives her pleasure. Let her enjoy them."
Bobby reached across the desk and laid his big hand on top of her smaller one. Annie looked at their hands and fought back the tears that always seemed close to the surface these days. When she felt in control enough to speak again, she gently pulled her hand away and sat back in her chair.
"Alex called today," she said. "She wanted to let you know that she's going back to work tomorrow."
Bobby frowned. "After two weeks? Is that even safe?"
"It should be OK if she takes it easy. She already called Captain Deakins and talked to him. She wanted to let you know, too."
"So why is she going back so soon?"
Annie told him about her conversation with Alex earlier. "She knows people will be curious, but she doesn't want to have to answer a lot of questions. Maybe you could run interference for her?"
Bobby nodded his head in understanding.
"I guess I'll go to bed now, I have to work tomorrow," she said, getting up.
"OK. Goodnight Babe. I'll be up later," he said as he picked up his book.
The tears threatened again briefly as she realized that this was something else that had shifted in their relationship. Bobby used to go to bed with her and hold her until she fell asleep before getting back up to read or research. But since Thanksgiving he hadn't done that, instead telling her that he would "be up later".
As she went around the desk to leave she stopped for a moment and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. Bobby closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. His arms went around her waist and he pulled her onto his lap. He kissed her gently and then held her close with her head on his shoulder. They stayed that way for several minutes without speaking. Annie sighed and kissed his cheek once more before getting up and heading upstairs.
The pull of Christmas magic was powerful and Annie fell into the rhythm of the season as she always did, despite her heartache over Frances and her worry about the invisible barrier that seemed to exist between her and Bobby. The family performed all the traditional rites; decorating, baking, shopping. Bobby attended her church's Christmas program, showing obvious pride in his children singing with the Children's Choir and his wife singing with the regular choir. Annie also sang a solo, "O Holy Night". This year Allie accompanied her on the piano, and she was pleased with the surprised smile on Bobby's face.
Since Frances had been in Carmel Ridge, Annie had sung for the Christmas program presented for the residents each year. This year she worked in the church's soup kitchen while Bobby took the children to the program. As with every visit her family made to her mother-in-law these days, Annie tried to stay busy and not let sadness overshadow the fun of the season.
Bobby took Frances Christmas shopping. Usually he only took her shopping for Annie's gift. In years past Annie would take her shopping for everyone else and they would make a day of it, stopping to eat lunch at a nice restaurant. She thought about calling Frances to see if she at least wanted Annie to take her shopping for Bobby, but thought better of it. She called the administrator at Carmel Ridge and she assured Annie that one of the staff would help Frances with Bobby's gift.
She was scheduled to work on Christmas Day and she encouraged Bobby to make plans to take the children to visit his mother while she was working. On Christmas Eve they allowed the children to open some of their presents before going to the candlelight service at church. They would open their stockings in the morning before she left for work and they would all open the remainder of the presents Christmas night after she got home. They tucked three very tired but excited children into bed after the candlelight service. They went downstairs to fill the three stockings that had been left out for Santa and went to their own room to exchange their traditional Christmas Eve gifts.
The tie that Annie gave to him was a silk black and burgundy. She had always loved shopping for ties for him because she thought he looked so handsome in a suit and tie, and she had a special fondness for woven silk ties. His gift to her was always lingerie, much more revealing than she would ever buy for herself. She had often wondered if it embarrassed him to shop for them. He usually bought black as he particularly liked the way it contrasted with her blond hair and light complexion. But this year he had chosen a white teddy accented with red silk ribbons. The ritual of trying on the teddy had the customary effect of making her feel as sexy and desirable as she looked to him and they made love. It was tender and passionate at the same time, and Annie was almost able to convince herself that nothing had changed between them.
As usual, Allie was the first one awake on Christmas morning, waking the twins up and then leading the procession into their parents' room. Bobby and Annie both groaned as Phillip and Andrew jumped in the middle of the bed, but they got up, pulling on robes, and allowed themselves to be dragged downstairs. After watching them open their stockings, Annie went upstairs to get ready for work. The Christmases when Annie or Bobby had to work tried the children's patience, but they had grown used to having to wait until evening to open the majority of their presents.
Before she left, Annie added a gift-wrapped box to the packages set aside for Bobby to take to his mother. She hadn't been sure if Frances would want to exchange gifts, but she hadn't been able to resist buying the scarf for Frances when she came across it while shopping. She had hesitated when wrapping it, not knowing what to put on the gift tag. In the end she simply wrote what she always did, "To Mom, From Annie". She kissed the children and Bobby before heading out into the snow and cold.
It was a slow day in the ER and Annie was grateful that she didn't have to stay late. She arrived home to find all three children's faces in the window watching anxiously for her. She laughed at the sight of their excitement when she finally walked in the door. They settled down to open gifts with Christmas music playing on the radio, and she reveled in the sights and sounds of her family. Bobby was very appreciative Annie's' gift of the newest book by one of his favorite historians, Dr. Adlai Copeland. He had found an exquisite dress for her to wear to the New Year's Eve party they attended every year and she marveled once again at his taste and ability to find exactly the perfect dress for her.
Annie had opened all of her gifts when Bobby handed her one more, saying it was from his mother. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt tears sting her eyes. She took a deep breath and smiled at Bobby.
"I wasn't expecting anything from her," she said softly with a glance at the children. They were caught up in their own gifts and hadn't heard her. But when she looked back at Bobby she saw a brief flash of sadness flicker across his face before it was replaced with a smile.
She pulled the paper off and opened the box beneath it. Allie crawled over next to her to see what was in the box. It was a journal, bound in purple leather, with her name embossed in silver letters on the front.
"Oh Mommy, it's beautiful," Allie exclaimed.
"Yes it is," she breathed as she pulled it from the box. She opened it to see if Frances had written anything to her inside, but it was blank. That was unusual. Frances always wrote a short note inside any book she gave as a gift. Realization began to dawn on Annie as she reached for the gift wrap she had dropped on the floor and examined it. There was no gift tag.
Bobby couldn't fake his mother's handwriting. This had not come from her mother-in-law; it had come from her husband. She glanced up at him, understanding now the sad expression he had covered up so quickly. She met his gaze and unspoken communication passed between them. She knew the truth; he knew that she knew. She smiled to let him know that she appreciated his attempt to protect her.
Dinner was a simplified version of the normally lucullan Christmas feast that Annie prepared on the years she didn't have to work. After dinner they settled down to play some of the games that the children had received. They both had to work the next day, so after the children were in bed Annie got ready for bed herself. Bobby was downstairs cleaning up the remnants of wrapping paper and boxes.
Alone in the bedroom, Annie went to Bobby's closet and looked at the shelf above his suits. She saw nothing out of the ordinary up there, so she squatted on the floor and pushed aside the row of hanging pants. In the back corner of the closet, behind his shoes, she found it. She pulled out the gift-wrapped package and sat on the floor in front of his closet looking at it. The gift tag was still in place: "To Mom, From Annie". She smoothed her finger over the tag. She was still sitting on the floor looking at the package when Bobby came into the room. She looked up and met his eyes. He walked over and sat down next to her, facing her with his left thigh touching her right one.
"Did you….did you give it to her?" she asked softly.
"Yes," he said. "I gave it to her and she just handed it back to me. She didn't say anything and I didn't want to bring it up in front of the kids. So I just slipped it under my coat and brought it back home."
Annie nodded and sighed, looking at the package again.
"Babe, I'm sor….." he began, but she reached up and placed her fingers on his lips.
"Don't. I'm sorry, Bobby. I know it's hard to be caught between your mother and your wife. I never wanted that to happen, I really didn't. I wish I could go back and undo what I said to her."
He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers, and then put his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist and inhaled the faint spicy/musky scent of him.
"It's going to be alright," he said. "She'll get over it eventually. She's been mad at me and refused to see me before. She always gets over it."
Annie didn't answer. She knew that this was different from the times Frances had been mad at Bobby. Bobby was her son. For all that she and Frances had shared over the years, Annie was not her daughter. And now she had crossed a line with Frances that not even Bobby had ever crossed; he had never forced his mother to choose between him and Frank.
Just as her relationship with her mother-in-law had shifted and might never recover; there was a slight but distinct shift in her relationship with her husband. They had always been allies in every aspect of their lives, able to share anything. With his mother she had been more than just a sounding board for him; she had been an active participant whom he could rely on to help carry the burden when it became difficult. But now Frances was effectively cutting her out of a very big part of Bobby's life. Annie wasn't sure that simply being there to listen to him and offer opinions would be enough.
Bobby took the gift from Annie and got up, helping her to stand up as well. He put the package back in the closet, closed the door, and led her to bed.
End chapter 9