FAMILY

CHAPTER 10

We will catch up with Mike and Sarah with this chapter.

Thank you to my beta, Spook.

Sarah smiled as she reached for the water bottle on her desk. She wrapped her hand around the cold bottle. It was still partially frozen and when she lifted it to her lips to take a drink the water was very cold, just the way she liked it. Her coworkers made fun of the frozen water bottles she lugged to work every day, but she ignored them. She liked cold water and this was the best way she knew to make sure she had plenty to get through her work day. She also liked the way the frozen one-liter bottles felt in her hand, solid and hefty…and cold. She had laughingly told Penny that if she were ever mugged she could use one of the bottles as a weapon. The down-side of the frozen water bottles was that as they thawed the outside of the bottle sweat and became very wet. She always had a cloth on her desk to sit the bottle on to prevent water from getting on any of her paperwork, prompting more teasing from her coworkers.

As she absent-mindedly drew designs in the water droplets on the side of the bottle her thoughts drifted to a dark-haired, handsome detective. She smiled to herself as she thought of his hazel eyes staring into hers as they danced or sat talking in a restaurant. Sometimes she thought that he might be capable of hypnotizing her with those eyes as she found herself unable to look away.

They had been dating for a month and she found herself smiling at the silliest things, such as his name on the caller ID of her cell phone when he called. She hadn't felt this giddy since…..well, since the early days of her courtship with Tony. This just made her feel even sillier, since it had been a long time since she was a high school girl in love. But the butterflies in her stomach continued no matter how she castigated herself.

She sighed and collected her thoughts, looking up at the clock. It was time to get ready for "Story Time"; the children and parents would be arriving soon to hear her read to them. She picked up the books she had chosen. Today it was "Toddler Story Time" and she would be reading to the 3-6 year old crowd. She enjoyed this part of her job as much as, if not more than, the computer classes she taught to adults. The children were mostly well-behaved and she loved watching their enrapt faces as she read. Usually her mother brought her own three year old daughter for Story Time. But today Jia Li had a cold and Sarah decided she should stay home, much to the toddler's disappointment. Sarah moved about the small room where they would be gathering, making sure there were plenty of large pillows for the children and parents to sit on. She looked up and smiled as the first child arrived.

Mike Logan walked up the stone steps to the library and through the doors. He smiled as he thought of the look on his partner's face when he volunteered to act as courier and deliver a report to one of the Manhattan precincts. He found that he looked for any excuse to go into the city, always timing it so that he would be finished with business in time for lunch. So far he had managed to show up at the library about once a week to ask Sarah if he could take her to lunch.

Seeing Penny in the stacks putting books away, he went over to ask where he could find Sarah. Although she was married, Penny obviously found Mike handsome and was always flustered when he spoke to her. Mike flirted with her outrageously, causing her even more discomfort. Sarah laughed at him and called him a sadist. But then, Sarah's laughter was really what he was after anyway.

Penny told him that Sarah was reading to the children and pointed him in the right direction. He found the room where she was sitting on the floor, surrounded by a large group of small children and their parents. He leaned against the doorframe watching her as she read. As always, he enjoyed watching her when she wasn't aware of his presence. He found himself captivated by her voice and her expressions.

She was reading "All Those Secrets of the World" and Mike thought he detected a hint of tears in her eyes and a tremor in her voice as she read. The children were all silent, giving her their full attention. When she finished the book she smiled as she held up the next book. This was obviously a popular choice as the children all clapped their hands and shouted, while the parents laughed. Everyone quieted down as Sarah opened the book and began to sing, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?" Mike smiled as the children and parents joined her in singing their way through the book. This must be the finale every week because as soon as they had finished singing, Sarah told them how happy she was to have seen them all and hoped to see them next week. Mike stepped back as children and parents began to leave. He watched as several of the children surrounded Sarah where she still sat on the floor. "Mith Tharah, Mith Tharah," they all tried to capture her attention as they showed her the books they were checking out.

As the children finally drifted out of the room, Sarah began gathering up her books. She looked up to find Mike walking towards her and she smiled as he knelt next to her and helped her to gather the books into a pile.

"Well, 'Mith Tharah', that looked like fun," he teased as he helped her to stand.

"It was fun; I love Story Time," she laughed.

"Can I buy you lunch?"

"Absolutely! Let me put these books away and I'll be ready to go."

She put the books on a cart to be put back on the shelves and got her coat. They walked three blocks to a small diner that they liked, holding hands and talking about mundane things like the weather. As they ate, Mike reached over frequently to touch her hand. He rubbed his finger across her wedding band.

"So how was your Thanksgiving?" he asked.

"It was wonderful. And crazy!" she laughed. "My family has to make such a production of holidays. Thanksgiving is a whole four day weekend event. Relatives come from out of town and even out of state. There are the required football games, of course."

"You play football?" he asked, trying to conjure up a picture in his mind.

"I'll have you know I play tight end," she told him archly.

Mike laughed out loud at the thought of her trying to block other players.

"Hey, I made a touchdown!" Which only made Mike laugh harder. Sarah tried to frown at him with offended pride, but she gave up and laughed with him.

"We all met at my Uncle Jimmy's house this year," she continued when they finally stopped laughing. "I had a houseful of out of town relatives staying with me. There are always lots of relatives, lots of kids running around, lots of embarrassing stories, and lots of food."

"It's hard for me to imagine a big family get-together like that."

"And how was work on Thanksgiving?"

"Actually, kind of quiet and boring. What's the world coming to when you can't even count on a bunch of domestic disturbance calls on Thanksgiving?"

They both laughed. "So, do you always work on Thanksgiving?" Sarah asked.

"Thanksgiving, Christmas…I always figure the guys with families need the time off. And the holiday pay ain't bad," he smiled.

They finished their lunch and walked back to the library. Before she went back in, Mike pulled her into a secluded area on the side of the building. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She responded eagerly, leaning into him with a sigh.

"I haven't seen you in over a week," he said softly. "Can't tell you how much I've been wanting to do that."

"Me too." She looked up at him and reached up to run her finger across his lower lip.

"Can I see you tonight?"

She sighed and rested her forehead against his chest. "I can't tonight. Jia Li has a cold and I need to stay home with her." She looked back up at him. "Maybe this weekend?"

"Yeah, this weekend. I'll call you, OK?"

He kissed her again and then walked her to the front door of the library, leaving her there with one last chaste kiss. Sarah watched him walk away before turning and going back to work. In the month that they had been dating, they had gone out at least two nights a week and often he showed up at the library for lunch. Mike had invited her up to his apartment several times, but so far she had made excuses about needing to get home to Jia Li.

She knew what would happen if she went home with him and she really couldn't say why she was avoiding it. She was certainly attracted to him and the attraction seemed to be growing by leaps and bounds. But every time she thought about what making love with Mike Logan would be like, she found Tony invading her thoughts. Tony. He was the only man she had ever had sex with. He was her high school sweetheart, they had married right out of high school, and they had been married for fifteen years. The idea of sex with another man left her feeling vaguely guilty. She knew it wasn't fair to Mike to keep making excuses, but so far he had been unfailingly sweet and understanding.

Almost three weeks later, Mike locked his apartment door and headed down the stairs of his building. It was Saturday night, five days before Christmas. He and Sarah had a date and it would be their last date until New Year's Eve. As with every holiday, it seemed, her schedule was full of activities with her daughter and her large extended family.

It was two months since they met and began dating. He found her as fascinating as the first night he met her. But he was beginning to wonder if he had made a mistake. He had never dated a widow before and he wondered if a year and a half was too soon for her. He had assumed that she must be ready if she was already out dating. But the more time he spent with her, the less sure he was.

They had not made love although he had invited her to his apartment many times. But she always said she had to get home to her daughter. As disappointing as that was, he understood that she had responsibilities. However, there were other things that concerned him. Just like tonight, Sarah never let him pick her up or take her home. Usually they met at Peter J's. She had never even given him her address or home phone number. He knew both, having given into his curiosity and used NYPD resources to look her up. He understood her reluctance in this area, too. She was a single mother and needed to be careful of who she invited into her daughter's life. But then there was the ring. She always removed her wedding ring when she went out with him, but he knew that she wore it the rest of the time. He dropped in on her at work on occasion and she was always wearing it. He wasn't sure what the protocol was for widows, but he thought that wearing her wedding ring might just mean she still felt married. In which case, Mike didn't know where that left him.

Sarah watched him walk into the bar and look around for her. She smiled when he spotted her sitting in the booth. The way his face lit up when he found her boosted her ego just a bit. He ordered a Scotch on his way to the booth. Sarah had placed a gift-wrapped package on the table and Mike set another one next to it. Rather than sit in the seat across from her, Mike dropped his leather jacket into that seat and slid in next to her. Without saying hello, or giving her time to say it, he pulled her to him and kissed her deeply. She slid her arms around his neck and responded enthusiastically. When he pulled back, Sarah blushed as she realized that the waitress had brought Mike's Scotch while they were occupied. Mike chuckled and released her to reach for his drink. Sarah took a shaky sip of her red wine.

"How was your day," he asked with another chuckle.

She took a deep breath, hoping her racing heartbeat would slow a bit. "It was good. Today was the 'Annual Mother-Daughter Nutcracker Suite Trip'. Very girly," she laughed. "This year there were six moms and eight little girls. The girls all dressed up as Clara." She pulled a digital camera out of her purse and showed Mike a picture of the group. Sarah was kneeling with her arms around Jia Li. Sarah sighed, "I used to be one of the little girls dressed as Clara. It's amazing to do this with my own little girl now."

"She's beautiful," Mike told her as she put the camera away. He leaned close and whispered in her ear, "And so is her mother," sending a tingle down her spine.

They talked for a few minutes, finishing their drinks. Mike reached for the gift he had brought in and handed it to Sarah, saying, "Merry Christmas." She smiled and began to pull the wrapping paper off, revealing a box set of CDs. It was "The Ultimate Collection", a three-disc collection of Louis Armstrong recordings.

"Oh Mike," she exclaimed. "I love it!" She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. "Now open yours," she said, handing him the gift she had brought. His eyes widened as he opened the package and saw a vinyl recording of Scatman Crothers' "Big Ben Sings".

"Where did you find this," he asked, running his fingers over the worn record cover.

"I have my sources," she laughed. "I guess we were thinking alike—jazz."

"Guess so," he said softly and leaned over to kiss her again. "Thank you. We should get going if we want to eat dinner before the movie. Did you bring the Caddy?"

Sarah laughed and pulled the car keys out of her purse, holding them out to him. They went to dinner and then to see a Christmas movie, "Love Actually". Sarah loved it; Mike tolerated it, declaring it a "chick flick". Afterward, they stopped at a diner for pie and coffee. Mike watched with amusement as Sarah added three sugars to her coffee and then carefully added milk until it was the perfect "taupe" color. "Not beige, not eggshell, it MUST be true taupe," she had told him the first time he watched her ritual.

"We could take our Christmas presents back to my place and listen to them," Mike told her. "CDs are great, but there is nothing like the sound of Scatman on vinyl."

She reached over and drew designs on Mike's upturned palm where it lay on the table between them. When she did little things like that, Mike had an urge to drag her to his apartment, rip her clothes off of her, and make love to her all night. He settled for closing his fingers around hers and taking a deep, shaky breath as he waited for her answer.

"I wish I could, Mike, but I need to…"

"….get home to Jia Li," he finished for her. "Would you need to get home if I wanted to just sit here and talk for another couple of hours?"

"What do you mean?" she asked with a frown.

"I mean…do you have to get home because of the time or because I asked you to come to my apartment?"

"Mike…I…." she faltered.

Mike squeezed her hand and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to sound…..well, like a dog. Believe it or not, I really do like you for your mind," he said with a laugh. "The fact that you're drop-dead beautiful is just an added bonus. One that drives me crazy sometimes."

She didn't answer, but a blush crept over her features. Mike wasn't sure if it was embarrassment from his compliment or his suggestion. They finished their pie and coffee in silence, and it hung over them as they drove back to Peter J's. Sarah seemed lost in thought and didn't look at him during the drive. Mike parked on the street, mid-way between his apartment building and Peter J's. They stood next to the car and Mike searched for a way to break through the silence between them. He leaned his hands on the car, on either side of her.

"Thank you again for the record," he said softly.

"And thank you for the CDs."

"Are, uh….are we alright?" he asked.

Sarah looked up at him and said, "I was going to ask you that."

"We're alright if you aren't mad at me for being a jerk."

Sarah smiled and put her arms around his waist. "I'm not mad and you aren't a jerk."

Mike wrapped his arms around her and lowered his head to kiss her. Sarah got into the car and Mike leaned in to kiss her before closing the door.

"See you New Year's Eve?" he asked.

"New Year's Eve," she confirmed.

Mike watched her car until it was out of sight, then turned towards his apartment building. Letting himself into his apartment, he hung his coat up and went to the bedroom to change into sweatpants and a tee-shirt. He put the record Sarah had given him on to play then went to back to his bedroom. He lay in the dark and listened to Scatman Crothers, thinking about New Year's Eve and Sarah.

Over the busy days leading up to Christmas, Sarah tried not to think about Mike's question. She knew Jia Li was only an excuse to avoid being alone with him, and now he obviously suspected that as well. The truth was that she simply didn't know what she wanted. So she tried to push it from her mind and concentrate on Christmas and Jia Li, with limited success.

As usual, they went to Tony's parents' house for Christmas Eve. It was always an extravagant affair; Tony's sisters and brothers were there with their families. Santa made an appearance with a present for each of the children. Because Sarah and Jia Li would be spending Christmas Day with Sarah's family, they exchanged gifts that night. Then they went to Sarah's parents' house to spend the night. Her brother and sister also spent the night with their children. The children woke everyone up early to open presents. They had a simple breakfast and then began preparing for the big dinner. This year Sarah's parents would be hosting and lots of relatives would be gathering.

Throughout the day Sarah watched her family closely. She realized for the first time just how few single adults there were, and she was the only single parent. As she watched all the couples interacting, she suddenly felt alone. Late in the afternoon, she walked into her father's study and found her Uncle Jimmy in there with Jia Li. He was reading to her from one of the books she had received for Christmas, but she had fallen asleep in his arms. Sarah took her daughter upstairs and put her to bed in her own childhood bed. Heading back downstairs, she ran her hand over the smooth wood of the balustrade, and then stopped to sit down on one of the steps. She listened to all the happy chatter coming from the kitchen and living room. She smiled as Uncle Jimmy sat down next to her on the step.

"I remember reading that same book to you when you were her age," he said.

"When I was her age, you were eighteen. I doubt that reading to a toddler is every teenager's dream."

"Hey, it was great having you around. Teenage girls love babies. You were a chick magnet. 'Isn't she just the cutest thing? Oh, Jimmy looks so sweet with his little niece.' You were the best thing to come along in my high school years."

Sarah laughed at the thought of her uncle as a teenager, using her to attract girls. He reached over and took her hand.

"So, what's goin' on, Kiddo? Why are you sitting here all by yourself?"

Sarah sighed. "I was just thinking that the national divorce rate is close to 50%. But this family is way below the national standard."

He chuckled and said, "Yeah, there haven't been too many divorces in our family." He smiled at her. "You know, there are some people who think that's a good thing." When she didn't answer he added, "But maybe all these happy couples are hard to be around when you're missing your husband?"

She closed her eyes as a tear trickled down her cheek. He put his arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder.

"After Angie's father died, a minister told her that it takes about two years of holidays to really get over the death of a loved one. Two Thanksgivings, two Christmases without that person before you begin to get used to him not being there. Before you're ready to move on."

"Well, it's been two Thanksgivings and two Christmases without Tony. In a week it will be two New Year's. Jia Li has had….." her voice broke for a moment. "…two birthdays without him. So am I ready to move on?"

Uncle Jimmy kissed the top of her head. "Only you know when you're ready to move on, Kiddo. Just be careful of two things. Don't rush into anything you aren't ready for, but don't hold back out of fear or guilt." He stood up and pulled her to her feet. "C'mon, I'll let you buy me an eggnog."

On New Year's Eve Sarah dressed carefully. She was wearing a pleated plum skirt that fell to just above her knees. It had a nice twirl to it that would make it perfect for dancing. Her blouse was white silk with long sleeves. Her legs were shown off to advantage by the silver strappy heels.

She had arranged for Jia Li to spend the night with her parents so that she wouldn't have to worry about being home by a certain time. In fact she didn't need to worry about coming home at all, which is exactly what she wanted. Mike Logan didn't realize it yet, but she had decided that tonight would be The Night. It was time to move on and she couldn't think of a better way than to spend the night with Mike.

They met, as usual, at Peter J's and then took Sarah's Cadillac to the jazz club where they had their first date. She was nervous, thinking about going home with Mike later, but she relaxed as the night went on. He was charming as always, making her laugh often. They danced, they talked, they mingled with other people. At midnight, Mike pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Then they joined with the others in singing "Auld Lang Syne." Mike ordered champagne and they toasted the New Year.

He led her back onto the dance floor for a slow dance. She felt him inhaling the scent of her hair. His breath was warm on her cheek, his lips close to her ear. His hand on her back was causing tingling down her spine.

"We should probably leave soon, so that you can get home your daughter," he whispered into her ear. Her nervousness returned as butterflies danced in her stomach.

"I…don't…um, actually….Jia Li is spending the night with my parents." She hoped her voice didn't sound as shaky to him as it did to her. "I don't have to go home at all tonight."

Mike stopped dancing. He pulled his head back and looked down at her for a moment. Taking her hand, he led her off the dance floor. He stopped next to their table, and then turned to look at her again holding her hands in his.

"What are you saying, Sarah?"

"J…just that…I…" She looked away from his face and tried to concentrate on his tie as she stared at his chest. "I thought maybe you could….show me your…um…apartment," she said softly.

He put one finger under her chin and lifted her face so he could look into her eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked. She took a shaky breath and nodded her head.

Mike got their coats and they left the jazz club. They were both quiet on the drive back to his apartment. Once inside, he hung up their coats and his suit jacket, and then escorted her to the living room. He could see that she was nervous, so he offered her a glass of red wine. While he went to the kitchen to get drinks for them, she wandered around the living room. She looked at the books on the bookshelf and at his large collection of vinyl records. Mike brought their drinks out and put Frank Sinatra on as they settled on the couch. They talked about music as they finished their drinks.

Mike put his hand against her cheek, running his thumb over her lips. He leaned forward and kissed her gently. He touched his tongue to her lips, then probed deeper as she opened her mouth to him. He pulled her into his arms and continued to kiss her deeply. Sarah sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt his solid chest against her, then his thumb brushing the side of her breast through her silk shirt and her heart felt like it might skitter out of her chest. He began to leave soft kisses across her eyes and her cheeks, moving down to kiss her neck and just under her ears. Sarah groaned softly and her breath caught in her throat.

Mike stood, pulling her to her feet. He kissed her again and pulled her blouse free from the waistband of her skirt, sliding his hands underneath to touch the warm skin of her belly and waist. She gasped at his touch and leaned into him even closer. Without breaking contact, he began to back her towards his bedroom. He paused just outside the bedroom, pushing her against the wall as he began to unbutton her shirt. She reached up to loosen his tie.

As she unknotted his tie, unbidden memories of Tony flashed in her mind. Memories of Tony kissing her and touching her, of them undressing each other and making love. She tried to push those images from her mind. This was Mike kissing her, Mike who was touching her, Mike who wanted her right now. And it was Mike she wanted. So why were her hands trembling as she finished untying his tie and moved to unbuckle his belt?

Mike hadn't had very much to drink, but he felt intoxicated by the scent of her and feel of her silky skin under his hands. His heart was pounding and there was a roar in his ears. He felt her hands loosening his tie and moving to his belt. It took an enormous amount of self control to move slowly and not rush her. He had her shirt unbuttoned and he began kissing her throat, moving down to leave soft kisses across her chest.

As he moved lower to trace kisses along the lacy edge of her bra, he slowly realized something was wrong. She had been trembling at his touch, but now she was quaking intensely. She was fumbling with his belt but couldn't seem to get it unbuckled. He knew that when they started, she was as passionate as he was. But something had changed and now he could feel that she was afraid. Mike put his hands over her hands to still them. He kissed her gently and pulled her hands away from his belt.

"M…Mike?" She opened her eyes and looked up at him. He smiled down at her and began to button her shirt. "What are you doing?" she whispered, still shaking.

He didn't answer until he had finished buttoning her silk shirt. He put his hands on the wall on either side of her head and pushed himself away until he was no longer in contact with that soft, lovely body he wanted so much. Mike leaned over to place a soft kiss on her cheek, and then answered.

"I'm stopping both of us before we do something we'll regret."

"B…But why?"

"Because you aren't ready."

She put her hands on his chest and looked up at him, her dark eyes wide. "I am ready. I want this."

He placed one hand over both of hers. "No, you want to want this. But you're scared."

She couldn't meet his gaze and looked down at his hand over hers. "I…I'm just nervous."

Keeping his hand over hers, he placed his other hand under her chin and tilted her head back up until she was looking into his eyes.

"I know the difference between nerves and fear, Sarah."

She continued to look up at him as his hand moved from her chin back to the wall next to her head. "I…I'm sorry, Mike," she said softly. "I really did want tonight to be the night. I thought…" she hesitated.

"You thought what?"

"I thought it was time."

"It'll be time when we're both ready, and you aren't ready." He lowered his voice and grinned mischievously. "When we make love, Sweetheart, you'll be trembling with desire and begging me not to stop."

Sarah blushed and then started to giggle. "Well, someone has pretty high self esteem."

"I just call 'em like I see 'em." Mike leaned down and kissed her, then straightened and led her towards the front door. "I don't want to rush you or anything, but I need to get you safely back in your car so I can come back here and take a cold shower."

At the door, he helped her on with her coat and pulled his on. Before opening the door, she turned to him.

"Mike, I…." He stopped her with a kiss.

"Don't apologize. It'll happen when it happens."

He walked her to her car and before she got in he pulled her into his arms and kissed her again.

"I'll call you tomorrow, OK? Maybe we can go see a movie this weekend," he said, and she nodded.

She got in the car and he closed the door. He sighed as she drove away. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets and walked back to his apartment.

End chapter 10

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