Alright, this story got an unexpected amount of love (I expected like... no reviews), so i went and continued it. Thank you to my five reviewers, including the anonymous.

Yes. But this story is going to go on until I get sick of it or you get sick of it.

And it will be more AU from now on.

I don't own

Ulquiorra

Dear Diary,

I ate some really craptastic toast this morning. It was stale. I think someone left it out all night. Whoever did that is seriously going to get fucked up when I find them. Seriously fucked up, and I mean it. I won't even use my uber pwnage skillz to kill them, I'll just peel their face off with a potato peeler or something. Oh, no, I know. I'll tie them to a pole and stick the potato peeler in their forehead, then tie a brick to the peeler and let the lulz roll in.

I love being diabolical and unnecessarily cruel.

So I ran out of eyeliner again. I knew I should have bought some more, but procrastination kicked in and I forgot. Or something like that. And because of the lack of eyeliner, I had to go ask Halibel. You should have seen the way she looked at me. She was all, "Fuck you, go to hell, fuck you, go to hell…" etc.

And so I asked her really, REALLY nicely to borrow some eyeliner. I mean, I had to get hold of some eyeliner because I look like crap without it.

So then she tells me she only wears light eyeliner, not the thick, black shit that I wear. In those exact words. She'd better learn not to mess with the look, 'cos she'll get hers someday. ):

Ok… I wasn't about to use her lame-ass brown shit, so I went to Grimmjow.

And asked not so nicely, I guess. It was fun… :D

But all he had was dark blue, so I had to make do with that. I mean, it's better than light brown/gold, right? Right?!

Anyways, note to self: go to human world and steal –ahem- obtain black eyeliner. Preferably Maybelline. That is some good German eyeliner. And I'm German. So I like Maybelline. It's simple. Any fuckwit that doesn't get it can go shit a brick somewhere else. And then I'll kill them and use the brick for my evil toast plan.

I spent some time torturing that little girl, but she's been getting kind of catatonic. It's funny, but not as fun as watching her blood pressure rise. She bitch slapped me once, I think, only I saw something on the wall and turned exactly when it happened, so I didn't feel a thing. Maybe that's why I'm not sure if I got slapped. I have to pay closer attention to this shit, 'cos if she really did try to slap me, I'm gonna totally hand her ass to her.

-Auf Wiedersehen

P.S. Ichigo is still dead.

P.S.S. Maybe I'll get Nnoitra to go get my eyeliner. And I need hairspray. I think I'll go tell him that right now…

Grimmjow

Dear Diary,

I only cried twice today :D

I'm so happy

But this morning, Ulquiorra came barging in through the front door without even knocking. D: I was still in my pajamas. I mean, it's not like I have pajamas, I just wear what I wear during the day, but still! So rude!

Anyways, he came in asking for eyeliner, and a really dark one. So I gave him the dark blue that Stark gave me for Christmas and he drew it, just like that, on his eyes. No mirror or anything. Just one, two, other eye, one, two. And it was perfect! How is that fair? I mean, I spend half and hour trying to get my own makeup to look good and he does it in ten seconds T.T

So mega hax.

Well, aside from that, I got Szayel to clean off that dead spider. The spider was huge, but the stain it left when Ulquiorra smashed was even HUGER D: I couldn't stand it anymore. It was like, I get up, and it's at eye level.

Did I mention that Ulquiorra killed it with his foot? That guy can kick reeeeally high! And really fast, too! He walks in, looks up, sees the spider and WHOOSH! BAM! Spider is dead and he's putting his foot back on the ground.

I think he does it to scare me. It works, I guess.

And I think he likes keeping his hands in his pockets. Maybe he secretly married that Orihime girl and doesn't want anyone to see the ring? I dunno /

Maybe he thinks it just looks cool. No way, rolling up your sleeves looks so much cooler. Not to mention the badass collar. D:

Well, anyways. Here's my last chance to prove my manhood. I am going to go kill Ichigo. :D

But then I have to go ask that Orihime girl to heal him because Ulquiorra already killed him. Does that make him manlier than me? No way, he's just a skinny emo kid.

… Sigh. But he never cries. Or I don't see him

Oh well, I'm going to go ask Orihime to heal Ichigo! :) Maybe then I can ask if she and Ulquiorra are married yet!

From, Grimmjow

P.S. Oh yeah, I found these great gummy worms. I think they were here before I was born, but man, are they good!