You know, Edward, the word "killer" is sooo relative...
And, naturally, it didn't. Spanish influenza. When I got the call from Mary Ann's parents, I had an instinctive understanding that there was some sort of urgency. It was more than just the common cold. But did it have to be the Spanish flu? No...Not her, too...At least there had been room for her in the hospital. So many people were sick that it was becoming difficult to find a spot. I just prayed that she would be okay. She was strong though...she was strong.
My parents would not permit me to see her in the hospital, and that was understandable, painstaking though it was. I needed confirmation that she would be okay. I needed to see her bright brown eyes gazing into mine. It was astonishing how much I missed her. My fingers could not move across the piano keys the same way without the certainty that I would hold her again.
About a week or so after Mary Ann was hospitalized, though, things began to look down for me as well. It started with a cough, like it had with Mary Ann, but I pushed it away with a strong sense of denial. I didn't want this to be the reality. I didn't want the same sickness that was going to conquer my Mary Ann conquer me, too. I didn't want it to win. It took only hours until I had to be hospitalized, though. I wasn't nearly as strong as Mary Ann, and the disease spread so quickly that I could hardly stand up straight before I had even come to the realization that it was the Spanish flu.
Carlisle Cullen was the doctor that tended to me when I was hospitalized, though I tried not to think about anything. I knew that Mary Ann was in the very building that I was in, and it was excruciating to have that knowledge and not be able to walk over to her and hold her, to not be able to see her. How was she doing? She couldn't have been dead, not yet...At least the sickness made it easy for the horrid thought to be pushed out of my mind.
Dr. Cullen didn't speak much, but it was clear from his the expressions, during the minutes in which I was even feeling well enough to see them, that I was dying. The mood seemed to get even worse, though, the second day I was in the hospital. There was something about the way he looked at me that didn't seem quite right. Taking a stab in the dark, I guessed that someone that I loved was not doing well. I prayed it wasn't my parents as well. If they were sick, too-well, it was my entire fault. When he came to check up on me in the middle of the day, I finally gathered the strength to ask him about it.
He was even more solemn after I managed to utter the question about them. "These are difficult times. The disease is spreading, and some things are just inevitable."
A vague answer that clearly meant yes. Damn it. If I even had the strength to cry, I would have. I didn't have the heart to ask about Mary Ann, though. I didn't want to see the hurt expression on his face that would say, yes, she is gone. Of course I loved my parents and wanted them to be well, but somehow I felt obligated to ask about them. As their son, I felt the need to be informed of their status. As Mary Ann's boyfriend...well, I could bear not knowing.
The hospital was chaotic, and Dr. Cullen rushed in and out of the room that I was sharing, ensuring that patients had the supplies they needed to live or otherwise to die comfortably. I could almost feel sorry for the poor souls, each dying in their own kind of misery, thinking about the ones they would be leaving behind-maybe even thinking of the ones that they loved that were in the hospital now, as I was. Despite the different souls that resided in the room, it was not difficult to imagine what the others were thinking, for the epidemic was universal in this hospital.
That night, though, when I was sure that I would finally be leaving, when I was sure that I no longer would have to wonder how Mary Ann or my parents were, Carlisle Cullen came into my room with a different atmosphere than usual. There was something furtive about his entrance into the hospital room, as if he was about to commit a crime. My eyes were opened, albeit barely, and I could just see the outline of his tall body and the pale tint of his white skin as he moved into the room. My first assumption was that he was going to give me some sort of remedy to try to at least make me sleep a little better, but when he put his cold stony hand on my shoulder and bent down to whisper in my ear, I knew that there was something else going on.
"I'm going to take you away, Edward." He paused. "It's difficult to explain why. I don't have time to explain. Don't be alarmed. I'm going to save your life." I closed my eyes tight and the stone hands lifted me from the bed effortlessly. I had never realized how strong he was. I almost wanted to fall back onto the bed because the temperature of his arms was such a stark contrast from the temperature of the bed I had just been sitting on. How would he save my life, anyway? I was dying, I was dying, and I knew it. There was no hiding or denying the fact. He hadn't even been able to make me feel any better these past two days; I was only getting worse.
I opened my eyes when he finally put me down onto another bed. The room that he took me to was isolated, free of any influenza victims. Why was he doing this? The first thought that came into my mind was that he was going to just kill me mercifully, and he had lied about it.
He took a deep breath. "This is going to be painful," he warned. I didn't know how I should respond. There was no needle, no gun, no anything in either of his hands that could alleviate my physical or emotional pain. I wanted to ask what he was doing, but I was only worse from the state I had been that afternoon. I could not bear to utter another word. I just closed my eyes and braced myself.
I felt the doctor's presence next to my neck, then felt his cold lips touching my skin. The action alarmed me greatly, but I was beyond the point of doing anything about it. There was a sort of hesitation, as if he was uncertain of whether or not he wanted to do what he was bracing himself for. I felt his teeth sink into my neck and found that I had just enough energy left in me to scream in pain.
The burning sensation was unlike any fever I had ever felt. It spread from my neck to my chest to the rest of my body, replacing any of the Spanish flu that had entered my body. Despite the pain and the impression of vulnerability that it caused me, somehow I could feel some strength returning, and then some. When the fire had spread to the tips of my fingers, Dr. Cullen finally freed his mouth from my neck. He put his hand over my heart and said, "Don't worry, Edward. You will be fine soon. The pain lasts for but a short while compared to the amount of time you will be living without it. I have some patients to tend to, but I will be back to check up on you. I apologize for leaving you when you are in so much pain, but I cannot leave these people alone."
My breathing was heavy; the fire was burning throughout my body and I was sure that this was the end. The strength that was coming into my body was not of my body: it was simply affirmation that I was leaving my weak, vulnerable self. Dr. Cullen didn't turn to leave yet, though. I looked into his golden eyes, trying to find something comforting beyond the pain. It was not much help; he was a compassionate doctor and it was obvious in his eyes that there was some regret tied in with his decision to do whatever had been done. I closed my own eyes instead, trying to remember something that didn't deal with pain.
I had never imagined that I would go to hell when I died, and certainly I didn't anticipate that its fires would feel like this.
"The pain should last only a few days. Do not leave this room. I will check up on you hourly." I heard the door close and lock; I suppose I was being held prisoner now. I was dying, anyway-how did he expect me to leave?
Dr. Cullen was right-the pain stopped within three days. When it finally faded, chatter filled my head in a maddening manner. So now I wasn't just dead, I was schizophrenic? I asked him about it when he checked up on me after the pain was gone. He seemed confused.
"Voices?" he asked, eyebrow furrowed. "What kind of voices?"
"It's...it's just a mess of people speaking. Inside my head. Are you sure..."
"I don't hear any voices. You and I..." He hesitated, thinking of the words to express what he wanted to say. "We're the same now. And I don't have any voices in my head. Odd...I don't have any explanation for it."
"I don't feel sick anymore. But my throat is burning." I looked around the room. My eyes were seeing things with more clarity now with colors that I had never seen before. My nose was breathing in scents that it had never breathed in before. I could feel it in my body-I was different and stronger.
"You are not sick anymore. This will help the burning." He held out a bag with a red substance in it. It looked like blood. I was skeptical. Please, trust me, I heard the doctor's voice beg in my head. Shocked, I looked up.
"Trust you?" I asked.
Carlisle Cullen looked stunned. Can you read minds? his voice said in my mind again.
"I...I..." This new ability was startling me almost more than the clarity of my other senses. "I suppose I can," I answered.
"Extraordinary," he said in awe. He cleared his throat. "Drink this. I will be able to explain everything to you later. But this will help the burning for now." I took the bag from him and he continued his speech. "Edward, do not leave this room."
"You've told me twice before."
"I will explain everything later. I promise. I know you're confused right now." He left to perform his duties, and I started drinking the blood-like substance.
Confused did not begin to cover it.
Carlisle Cullen drove me to his house later on that evening, though he was quiet on the drive there. I didn't like the silence and I didn't understand why he was taking me to his home and not mine.
"My parents are dead, aren't they?" I asked.
"Your mother requested that I save your life. When we get to my house, I will explain."
The conversation ended there until we went into his abode. He indicated that I should follow him to his room, where he brought out a suitcase. Before he began packing, he turned to me and started speaking.
"Edward, I know that it's difficult to believe, but you are no longer human. The bags I gave you contained animal blood. You don't have to feed on humans." He held a mirror to my face. I looked at the stranger's reflection, shocked. My eyes were a crimson red color, my skin a pale white with circles under my eyes as if I needed sleep. But other than that, my face was shockingly flawless. "You're a vampire now, Edward." My fingers tightened on the handle of the mirror. I let it go, but too late to avoid destroying it. Dr. Cullen caught it and set it aside. "You mustn't let anyone know. My world-our world now-is a secret." He turned and started packing a suitcase. "I've resigned from my job. I know it's untimely with the epidemic but..." He shook his head. "Even though Mrs. Masen is no longer with us, I cannot take the risk that anyone else should know. I was shocked to discover that she knew."
"So my mother is dead," I grieved.
Dr. Cullen took a deep breath, regretful. "Yes. Neither of your parents survived. I'm so sorry, Edward."
"I want to go back to my house," I said coldly.
He nodded. "Yes. As soon as I pack my bags, we will go back to your house and you can take from it whatever you need to remember."
I could feel tears coming to my eyes, but nothing fell from my eyes. Carlisle closed his bag and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. This flu is so difficult to cure. The most we can do is ensure that people suffer as little as possible when they die."
"What about Mary Ann Carroll?" The words came out stiffly; in fact, the only reason why they came out at all was because I was already alive. And I could save her now.
"Pardon me?"
"Were you treating Mary Ann Carroll?"
"The name is not familiar."
There were no traitor thoughts in his mind. So I'd never know...
"If you'll excuse me for a moment..." he started. I nodded and sat down on the bed, tears still wanting to fall from my eyes. Dr. Cullen ran through the room at blurring speeds, and I buried my face in my hands, realizing that my world was crashing down. I was going to go through a prolonged life without my parents, without my love? I was going to be walking through this world all alone now? And not even as myself, but as someone else. Even if my love and parents had survived, I would no longer be able to see them, anyway, and I would not ever be able to see my friends again. I would have no condolences other than a stranger doctor to get through this. No...no...it was too much to bear.
"Dr. Cullen," I begged. He stopped his movement.
"You may call me Carlisle, Edward."
"Why?" I questioned, ignoring his request. "Why did you obey my mother? You could have just let me die. You wouldn't have to leave and you could keep tending to patients and I could be with my parents, wherever they are. I could be with my girlfriend. Now..."
"Your mother requested that I save your life. And, I would be leaving anyway, as long as she told me she knew."
"Did you kill her?" I asked suddenly, the idea occurring to me.
Dr. Cullen was shocked. "No. Of course I didn't. We both knew that she was dying, and she requested that I change you. I admit...I do have my own reason for changing you, besides the fact that I didn't have the heart to disobey Elizabeth, as frantic as she was. It has been too long since I had companionship."
"You bastard."
He looked hurt by the words. "I never would have done it to a stranger. You were dying and your mother wanted you to live."
"Am I alive?"
Uncertainty spread across his face, and I knew that his answer to that was no. "You are breathing," he said.
I held my hand to my heart. There was no movement under my skin. "That means nothing."
The doctor put his hand on my shoulder. "I understand your angst, Edward. I was the same way when I was first turned-"
"Then why did you to this to me, too?"
"Do you want to go to your house and pick up your things?" He turned and in the blink of an eye was holding out another, larger suitcase.
"We're leaving Illinois? Just like that? I was born here, Carlisle. I was raised here. This is all I know."
"Then I suppose it's high time for you to gain some experience in the world outside these walls. Human memories blur in time, Edward, you'll discover that."
"My memories of my parents, of Mary Ann could never fade."
His expression was doubtful. "All in good time. Now, it's best that we leave as soon as possible."
"Dr. Cullen..." I wasn't ready to leave.
"I understand that this is all very sudden. But there is never a good time to leave the ones you love behind." His thoughts showed me a mixture of urgency and sincere kindness. Though I was angry that he would be selfish enough to bring upon me a fate that he did not even want for himself, I knew that he was right, and he did not really mean me any harm. He was an old vampire who had lived a lonely existence.
"Fine. I'll go." There was no forgiveness for him right now, but I could consider it later. After I moved on.
Carlisle put the large suitcase in my hand and we proceeded to his car. He threw his belongings in the trunk and we headed toward my house.
"That's all you're going to bring?" I asked. Taking away one suitcase of belongings hardly seemed sufficient enough to convince a town that their best doctor was leaving.
He shook his head, though. "No. I will come back for the rest later. I think it's a bit more subtle that way."
"Of course." The majority of the car ride was quiet with the exception of the thoughts that were being sent to me from Carlisle's mind and the thoughts that came from the occasional passerby. The first time we passed someone, Carlisle quickly gripped my wrist. Though I had had a spike of thirst in that moment, it had been much worse in the hospital and I hadn't attacked anyone. I knew that at the speed we were moving at, there was no way I could catch them though, as tempting as their blood smelled.
"What?" I asked regarding the gesture.
"You mustn't attack anyone," Carlisle requested.
"I figured," I muttered. He let go of my wrist.
"We'll be at your place shortly," he informed me, and the two of us fell silent until we arrived.
I noticed that there was something wrong immediately when Carlisle parked. The door was open, something that my parents never would have allowed, even if we had been in a rush to get to the hospital. I looked closer and discovered that it had been forced open. It was then that I smelled their blood. I walked into my parents' room; it was not untouched. Thieves. My family was being robbed by some lowlifes that decided that they were going to make a profit off of this horrible disease. I stood still and listened to the swarm of the three peoples' thoughts in my mind.
They had stolen some of my mother's jewelry. They had found my piano, and they were going to try to steal that, too.
An enraged growl escaped my mouth; a sound that I never knew that I was capable of making. Carlisle took notice.
"Edward!" he shouted. There was no time to hold me back before I had run upstairs to face the thieves myself.
They were disgusting, vile creatures and I could see this even more clearly with my newfound vision. One of them held a brown paper bag, stuffed with family valuables, and the other was busy observing my piano, calculating the best way to take it from the house. Both were shocked by my sudden arrival, dropping everything they were doing. I took the paper bag from the first thief too quickly for him to realize what had happened. I put it on the floor behind me to free my hands; this wouldn't take long.
"You think you can steal my family heirlooms? You think you can get away with this?" I shouted. The two robbers were rendered speechless-I was almost surprised at myself. This would be interesting, though. Carlisle had requested that I mustn't attack anyone, and these two clearly were no one. I snarled and lunged toward the man that had held my mother's most precious belongings. His neck was easy to penetrate; the blood flowed into my mouth and soothed my throat as the animal blood had never been able to do, although I imagined purer blood would have tasted even sweeter. The vengeance of this act replaced the taint of his deeds, and I felt no remorse. I saw the other man try to sneak out of the room out of the corner of my eye, and quickly I lashed out and grabbed his throat. These humans were weak; I could destroy them easily. And I would have two meals tonight.
I heard Carlisle's mind more clearly as the two men's minds faded, and realized that the doctor had entered the room. I heard him shout my name, but did not stop, and he did not attempt to stop me. After enjoying the blood of the first man, I moved onto the second, my thirst being satisfied as it had not been since I had been changed. When he was completely dry and my thirst completely quenched, I turned to Carlisle. He looked horrified.
"You mustn't attack anyone!" he told me again.
"You didn't stop me."
"You had already killed them both. I wasn't fast enough..."
"They were trying to capitalize on our deaths." I looked to the beautiful instrument that my parents had passed down to me as a birthday present years ago. "They were trying to take away from me something that is essential to my soul...I have nothing more left, and they tried to take away the last thing..."
"Music is very important to you."
I nodded. "Infinitely so."
He kneeled down and looked into my eyes. "I will try my best to bring it with us," he promised.
That did make things a bit better. At least with my music, I could find some way of understanding this mess. "Thank you," I whispered.
He nodded, his golden eyes the soft color of empathy. It was then that I realized that there were worse things: I could be looking into the eyes of a killer. With Carlisle, I would learn how not to be a monster. There were better fates, of course, but this was not the worst.