Disclaimer: Say it with me. I don't own anything. Except myself.
Note: Some of y'all asked for it, I provided it. So, without further ado, here is…By The Sea
Chapter Seven: How About I Just Kill You?
L: Ooh, Mr. Todd – (kiss)
S: (Is trying to draw away from Mrs. Lovett in disgust; unfortunately, it isn't working.)
L: I'm so happy I could – (kiss)
S: (A terrified expression is dawning on his face. He is still attempting to pull away from Mrs. Lovett's death grip.)
L: Eat you up, I really could!
S: (Horrified look.) Eep.
L: You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd?
S: Molest me?
L: What I dream – If the business stays as good…
S: Why do I get the feeling that I don't want to know?
L: Where I'd really like to go…in a year or so…Don't you want to know?
S: (Softly.) Not particularly. (Louder, in a flat sounding voice.) Of course.
L: Do you really want to know?
S: (Mumbling.) No. (Louder, same voice.) Yes. I do.
L: By the sea, Mr. Todd. That's the life I covet.
S: Why do I not care?
L: By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!
S: More like despise it with the white-hot intensity of one thousand burning suns.
L: You and me, Mr. T.
S: I pity you, foo'.
L: We could be alone…
S: Oh, God, no. (Whimpers in terror.)
L: In a house wot we'd almost own. Down by the sea.
S: Under the sea…under the sea…Whoops. Wrong musical. This one is much more violent. And it has a lot less singing sea creatures. But we do have the wacko with the crazy hair that likes to sing…Oh, yeah. Anything you say.
L: Wouldn't that be smashing?
S: My head against a wall?
L: Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel when it's just you and me and the English Channel.
S: I think I'd rather kill myself.
L: In our cozy retreat, kept all neat and tidy.
S: And by neat and tidy you mean gloomy and depressing, right?
L: We'll have chums over every Friday. By the sea…
S: Chums? What chums? I have no chums, and you're just the crazy pie lady…Much like the muffin man…but not…
L: Don't you love the weather by the sea?
S: Oh, yes, I just love melting in the bloody sun and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes! It's just lovely!
L: We'll grow old together by the seaside, hoo! Hoo! By the beautiful sea!
S: How about I just kill you there, so that I'll grow old and you'll stay forever young? I like that idea…
L: It'll be so quiet that who'll come by it except a seagull? Hoo! Hoo!
S: I really hope you're not saying what I think you're saying…
L: We shouldn't try it, though, till it's legal for two-hoo!
S: I thought so. (Clutches stomach.) I think I'm going to be sick.
L: But a seaside wedding could be devised, me rumpled bedding legitimized.
S: Oh, God. (Turns a violent shade of green, claps a hand over his mouth, and searches wildly for a garbage can, or perhaps a toilet.)
L: Me eyelids'll flutter, I'll turn into butter, the moment I mutter, "I do-hoo!"
S: (Is to busy retching into the picnic basket.)
L: Down by the sea, married nice and proper, by the sea…
S: (Head still in basket, couching.)
L: Bring along your chopper to the seaside, hoo! Hoo! By the beautiful sea!
S: (Sticks head out of basket.) I hate you! (Quickly stuffs head back in the basket, and you can hear him hurling his guts out yet again.)
Poor Sweeney…I'd be his chum…