Disclaimer: I do not own anything. This idea just came to me this morning. The snow is coming down heavily here in Connecticut. I love the snow, and the fact that hardly any snowplows have come by. Yeah Snow!
This idea came to me, and I just had to write it. I hope you enjoy it. It's about Brin's thoughts on a cold, snowy winter's evening.
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I hate the snow.
It's not like I hate it general, it's just that I haven't seen it in two years, and now here in Chicago it's snowing like crazy. It's a constant reminder of what happened, and how we survived, if we all survived. I haven't seen any of them since that time, and I know it's sad to think that some of them may not have made it, but I think some haven't. We would've met somewhere, in the woods, or on the road. By day break we could've found each other. You can't miss us; we were that obvious to see. Who could mistaken the child with no hair, and half naked, and barefoot. It wasn't very cold when the adrediline was pumping through my body, but when it came to exhaustion and stopping for the night that was when I realized I was cold.
Now, I'm not cold, just sad. I'm staying with a family because I befriended a little girl on the playground the other day. She thought we had so much fun, and since I have nowhere to go she thought it would be 'so exciting' to have me come stay with her. It's a kind gesture, but when I leave in the middle of the night without a goodbye or a thank-you, and some cash I have seen stashed she will realize it's not right to invite strangers in the house, especially ones that cannot be trusted. I cannot be trusted, and because I ruined this chance at a friend for this little girl, which she is in fact a year older, she'll become bitter about trusting people, and her family will blame her for their misfortune. I don't blame them, but I hate myself for causing this when I know perfectly well that I should not have done it in the first place.
I raise the cup of hot water and take a sip. There is no tea in here to drink because none of them like it. They like coffee, and if you can get past the bitter aftertaste you'd like it too. I can't stand it, like I can't stand the snow outside. It's already dark for evening, and the wind has picked up as well. Why Zack wanted to escape is beyond me. I don't understand it. How had the idea gotten into his head that there was something out there, something better that we could become? Did he ever see the negative side to things? Did he ever stop to think that, yes we wouldn't be under the jurisdiction of them, but they would chase us? Like I heard him say, 'If any of them get to the fence shoot them.' He didn't care about what we would become out there, he was scared we'd find some way to come back and kill him. I'm still working on that plan. I want him dead, and I want to find the others. But I also wonder if Zack had any other motives to escaping. He never showed signs of wanting to escape; just a strong hated that made his eyes dark, and his strength stronger. He never smiled, and when Lydecker commented on something that he completed with the easiest of care, he gave him a glare that would have shaken down the strongest of attack dogs. He was strong, and he could survive. He is probably out there, somewhere, strong and confident, quick and witty. He knew what he was doing, he just doesn't know if we all made it or not.
Maybe he does. Maybe he's watching over all of us, and we just don't know it. I don't know it. I haven't noticed or felt anything.
The wind outside pick up their force, and the snow blows around causing blizzard conditions. I don't want to look at snow no more, I'm heading south. I think I want to go to Los Angeles. In the old days, I sound like I've been there, there used to be movie stars, and famous building, and in every corner a movie was being made. I want to go to the scene. Maybe something is left. Maybe they could help me get into the- oops, silly of me, of course, I can't be known. My face appears on a television set, and its goodbye life, and a one way, stunned ticket back to Manticore where they might as well kill me. I never want to go back. I got to be good as dead if they want to haul me back. I never want to be like that.
I want to find Zane. The last time I saw him, he told me that the only way we were going to make it through the night is if we hijacked a car, and headed as far east as we could get without stopping. I didn't want to do that, and he told me, from that split decision that he was gone. He ran far, and he never looked back.
Maybe I'm a fool for thinking I'd stick with somebody. Maybe this was all a plan to go our separate ways. Maybe this is just another test to see whether we are what they want us to be. Maybe Zack is in on this whole thing, and is testing us all, or maybe he wants to start his own army. He was our CO, and out of all of us he is the oldest, and he was leader. He took it all in stride, and helped us. He was there the longest out of all of us, which close followed by Tinga and Krit. If I see them one day, it'll be too soon.
I miss them. If I ever get the chance to see them, even for one moment, I'd ask them how they made it for this long, and wish them all the best. If they want to take down Manticore one day, and burn it to the ground I'll be there with the champagne and we can dance around the flames.
If only any of that was possible, because it isn't. I'm on the run. Every day I have to keep my eyes and ears open. Any and all suspicious characters are assumed to be dangerous, and I have to flee. If I ever attach myself to something, I will have to leave it behind. Forget having a pet like a dog, it would only soon be homeless, and hungry like I am every time I have to leave. I couldn't even feed it, even if I did; I can barely feed myself half the time.
The snow won't stop. Maybe it's trying to tell me something. Who knows? All I'm doing now is waiting for everybody in the house to be sleeping, and soon enough I'll be a distant mistake, that, if this was under a different circumstance, could have been different.
It can't be.
It never will be.
Someday I hope to change my ways, and find a place where no one knows who I am, and welcome me. What would be even better, my fantasy is, a place where there are some just like me, and they welcome me with open arms. Maybe a family reunion?
I break away from the site outside the window and sit on the floor again the window, lightly tapping my head against the jutting sill. I just don't know whether this is worth it or not. I hope it is. I hope Zack knew what he was doing on that faithful night when we all decided to leave.
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I hope you've enjoyed. Tell me what you think.