Chapter 5
Left Behind Again

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked rhetorically, giving Buffy a pained smile.

Buffy smooth her hair down; unconsciously wanting to appear as presentable as possible in front of the man. She stammered for a response before Spike interjected.

"Just givin' the place a new life, Peaches."

Angel's eyes shot to the familiar voice and knit his brow, "Spike? What are you doing here?"

Spike made a move to respond before Giles' hand shot out and stopped him.

"The same question could be asked of you," Rupert said dryly as Angel now turned to face the older man.

"Good to see you too, Giles," Angel snickered in a rare moment of cattiness. The two men were fully aware that they'd only ever remained civil for Buffy's sake. But with the disarray of the apartment, the obnoxious dance-a-thon and Spike's mere presence; Angel's resolve was starting to crumble.

"Angel, what are you doing here?" Buffy reiterated in a softer tone; the slightest trace of disappointment in her voice.

Angel tore his menacing glance away from Giles and gave the tiny woman a bashful smile,

"I still have a key. I wanted to see you and talk but," he looked back up at the anxious group of people who were trying desperately not to eavesdrop. "It looks like you already had plans…" he finished with a frown.

"No," Buffy recounted; turning back to her friends to shoot them an apologetic smile, "We can still talk. We can just…cover the paint and uh…finish this…later, right?"

She said pointedly, nodding her head to subtly indicate the group to leave.

Willow was the first to catch on, tugging Oz's hand to help her maneuver the supplies into a safer area for later. Giles sighed and gently pried Dawn away from the awkward couple as Xander and Spike remained intent on watching the shit hit the fan.

"Umm, guys…could you?" Buffy mumbled to them, attempting to shoo them off with a half-hearted flick of her hand.

Xander shook off his stupor as he finally caught on that anything that happened after this moment would be left to speculation until he saw Buffy next. He flashed a nervous smile at the estranged couple and abruptly spun around to assist with the final clean up.

Spike however, still stood there; his fingers hooked into the belt loops of his jeans, head tilted to one side, a cocky smirk firmly in place. He was waiting. Waiting for Angel to discover when everyone else cleared out why he would still be there.

As the group finished and started leaving; sending Buffy sly and quiet goodbyes and well wishes and promises to talk later, Buffy wondered how to explain her new living situation.

Fortunately, Spike did it for her. As the door shut behind the last of the party, Angel turned to his former lover and nodded in Spike's direction.

"Shouldn't someone tell him to get lost?" He whispered; though Spike had heard the barb.

"Oh, don't mind me," he replied sweetly, "I'll just be in my room. Won't even know I'm here." He finished with a smug grin, sniffing triumphantly and turning to his new quarters and slamming the door behind him.

Angel stared at the door that once led to his study as Buffy placed a tentative hand on his arm.

"Why don't we go up the roof?" she suggested as Angel let her lead them toward the fire escape; his eyes trained on Spike's door until they were alone outside.

***

"So, Spike's living here?" Angel spoke finally. The former couple had been standing at opposite end of the roof patio for what felt like hours in uncomfortable silence. Angel staring off at the sky while Buffy watched him; her arms trained around her body protectively.

"Uh huh," she mumbled the confirmation, still watching him thoroughly. As it was, he'd yet to reveal the why of his sudden return. But she knew it wouldn't be entirely good news. Even when they'd been dating; any time Angel 'wanted to talk', it was never of the good.

"Didn't take long," he muttered bitterly; jealousy and hurt clearly tinged his voice.

Buffy's eyes widened at his expression and something more than shock finally took over. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Angel sighed and turned to face her; though his soft and pained tone never wavered. "I didn't come here to fight with you."

Buffy snickered, "Then I suggest you not make with the accusations. Spike and I aren't dating," she snapped, her hurt getting the better of her as she went on, "And you've got a lot of nerve after everything you've done!"

"Buffy I told you—"

"I know what you said, Angel. That doesn't mean it's true. It also doesn't mean that something else hasn't happened since you've left. You're in L.A. now. You just took off. I don't know what you've done there. Who you've been with…."

"Nobody! Buffy I stil—"

"No! Don't say it!" She screamed, her eyes now glassy as tears flooded down her cheeks. "You can't do this! You can't just leave and then come back and say these things!"

"Buffy it's only been—"

"Six months, two weeks and three days, Angel," she said flatly, her breathing still heavy, "You've been gone for six months, two weeks, and three days…"

Angel sighed audibly, bowing his head to stare at the concrete floor. He couldn't face her. He knew he'd been a coward, leaving the way he had. Drusilla's presence shouldn't have stirred things up they way they had but…they did. And since he'd been in Los Angeles he'd seen Drusilla once. Only once; and nothing had happened. But the strange and ethereal woman had always been an obsession of his. Even when they'd had their separate lives and loved other people; Drusilla was a masterpiece. Timelessly beautiful, mysterious, completely barmy yet surprisingly insightful…

And yet, he'd managed to forget her when he'd fallen for Buffy Summers. Indeed, the tiny blonde had been the only woman who had ever managed to replace Drusilla. He'd gone for three years cultivating a means to charm the younger woman before finally succeeding a year and a half ago. And he'd fallen fast. But even in the midst of his very tangible relationship with a woman he very much loved…the fantasy of the Drusilla lingered. But she was still in London, and spoken for.

Spike. William "the bloody awful poet" Pratt…

Despite several years of childhood courting, Angel had never been able to sink his teeth into Dru the way she had let the clumsy, effeminate dolt. In fact, Dru had been the one to pursue him. And the familial affection she'd shared with Angel made him privy to all of Drusilla's girlish tactics to seduce and capture 'Sir William', as the flighty brunette had so called him. Angel was not pleased to be put on the back burner for someone so unworthy of a woman like Drusilla. The woman was experienced, dangerous, exciting…

William was not.

And it did not help matters any when Angel and his family made the move to America. He and Dru drifted as she and Spike got closer. The few times Angel went back to visit saw the apparent changes that the younger man had made in his absence. Apparently, with Angel gone, a lifetime of perpetual torment, Dru's delusional spurring and a few outside sources Angel would never know of; the once pathetic and bumbling William had become, Spike; the bad-ass punk with a heart of gold.

Angel snickered at the thought. Now it seemed that Buffy too had been charmed by his childhood rival, though he had no proof of such. She'd even told him that nothing was between them. And she was right to remind him that even if there was; he'd loss the right to be concerned.

But Angel knew Spike, and he knew himself. And he knew that while Buffy had plainly told him Spike's presence meant nothing; he had made the same claim about Drusilla, and they both knew that hadn't been entirely true.

Of course, one could argue that this whole thing was ultimately Angel's fault. Spike probably wouldn't be here in the first place if Angel had dismissed Drusilla six months back. The bleached blond nuisance would have never felt compelled to fight for his girl and follow her to America, where she'd gone to seek the comfort of another man….Buffy's man.

It all made sense now; how Buffy and Spike had fallen into alliance. They may be nothing more than just two people who could relate to getting burned the same way but, that didn't mean Angel liked it any better. But he knew he couldn't argue any of these thoughts. Buffy was right. He couldn't just show up and talk to her like any of this was her fault….she didn't deserve this. She was better than this. Better than him.

"I didn't want to hurt you," he said after a minute; resuming his sky-gazing stance as he spoke.

Buffy sniffled and blinked back her tired eyes. She'd only been his presence for an hour but it felt like days. How could one person suck so much life out of another? It wasn't fair.

"But you did," she whispered.

"I know," he nodded. "That's why I left."

Buffy felt new tears forming; forcing them back as she inhaled sharply, "Are you in love with her?"

Angel's furrowed brow increased as he finally looked back at her; so small, so fragile. She looked like she might break if he touched her. And he wanted to touch her. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his embrace and tell her everything would be okay, that he hadn't mean to leave, that he still loved her…

"I don't know," he admitted, "But I couldn't find out if I was still with you."

Buffy bowed her head and released a strangled sob. It was soft but loud enough that Angel heard it without seeing her face. He meant what he said. He didn't want to hurt Buffy. Drusilla's reappearance had sent his whole world into a tail-spin. He needed to fulfill the questionable longing he'd had for the darker woman. But he couldn't and wouldn't do that if he and Buffy were still together. If may have had indecent thoughts about another woman when with her; but he would never act on anything unless they were apart.

So he'd done a coward's bidding. Instead of fighting his demons and thanking the powers that be for the woman he did have in his life; he split. Out of fear, out of guilt. Drusilla had come to California to be with Angel and he'd considered it. Then Spike had shown up and dragged Dru back to London. But the damaged had been done. He'd already contemplated the affair. He had to leave immediately, remove himself before his incendiary fantasies were brought to life and he unnecessarily hurt Buffy in the process.

Which, as it turned out, he had anyway.

"Is this why you came here tonight?" Buffy accused; breaking him out of his thoughts.

"To tell me you don't even know if she was worth it?"

Angel's head shot up to face her; her choice of words confusing him.

"I needed to see you."

"Fine," Buffy relented, "Need to see me all you want, Angel. That doesn't mean I want to see you."

"Buffy, please…" he muttered, uncertain what it was that he was about to ask her for.

"Angel, I…" she started; desperately trying to find her words. "You have no idea what happened to me when you left. And I can't believe you're standing right here now but, if you can't love me without….if me and only me isn't good enough….I can't see you anymore."

"Buffy…" he whimpered, rushing toward her with open arms, knowing this would be the last time he would hold her this way. The girl was sobbing again, uncontrollably as he wrapped his large limbs around her tiny frame.

She cried, hard and loud into his chest. He tucked her head under his chin and felt his own tears. His feelings weren't resolved, which meant he shouldn't stay; he couldn't. And though there was no one literally waiting for him back in L.A., she was out in the city somewhere. Waiting for him to act on his desires should he so choose.

"Good bye, I guess," he whispered, releasing her slowly and seeing himself out.

Buffy shut her eyes and turned away. She couldn't watch him leave again. She tried to block out the sound of his retreating footsteps before they faded into nothing once more.

She remained on the roof for some time after, needing the silence, the isolation. The wind was calm but ever present, allowing the chill to carry her mind elsewhere.

Her solace was interrupted some time later by the soft clanging against metal. She turned to see the source. Starting from the floor she recognized the beat up combat boots and slowly lifted her head; her eyes tracing the black clad figure before her.

She smiled, but it never reached her eyes as Spike revealed the mugs he was holding and presented one to her.

"Tea?"

To Be Continued...