Jack put his legs up on the desk and threw his head back closing his eyes and sighing deeply. What the fuck had just happened? He'd kissed Gwen that made sense she was hot and it wasn't the first time stuff had occurred between them, but this seemed different. His heart was pounding in his ears and his head swirled. He had a longing for her he didn't even know existed. Was he in love with Gwen Cooper? She was attractive his type – well most things were his type – funny and bolshie, but surely it didn't run deeper. How could one woman confuse him so much, without even meaning to? He'd kissed her, manipulated her, but she wanted him he knew that. She wanted him and he wanted her. Yet, she was so annoying and loud and stubborn and fuck he loved her. Oh my god he loved her. He couldn't tell her that though hell no. What if she just wanted a random shag? What if she didn't really want more, how awkward would that be? Hell his mind was jumbled! He was brought out of his muddled thoughts by a polite knock at the door.
"Come in." He wasn't expecting the person who walked in, Gwen or Ianto, but Owen?
"Hey mate." Owen seemed his usual self what the hell did he want? Jacks brow furrowed. "You could at least tell me I can sit down." The doctor took the seat anyway and folded his arms. Neither seemed likely to speak so Owen started. "What the hell's going on with you and Gwen? You're in love one minute and hate each other the next, Me Tosh and Ianto never know what to say. And we keep having to go out, 'cause your arguments make us feel awkward, can you two not make your mind up already. I mean you're worse than a couple of teenagers, we all like banter but it's taking it too far."
"And you got elected spokesperson?" Jack raised an eyebrow in disbelief Owen had the tactfulness of a Dalek.
"Well not exactly." Owen sighed Jack looked at him expectantly. "I drew the short straw." The captain laughed, another traditional earth thing, it was the quirks that he loved. "Anyway, explain."
"God knows what's going on with me and Gwen. I don't know and I doubt she does. We'll be sure to update you. I promise to try and make sure it doesn't impact on you lot. There you go Owen off you trot." Happily Owen left to go fill the others in, he felt like they were a little committee protesting about the deficiencies of Torchwood. They'd have to go on a strike for more pay next. Jack settled back into his thinking when another knock broke his concentration.
"Jack." Gwen whispered she looked windswept; she'd probably been standing down at the quay looking over at the River Taff. It was a good place to think god knows he'd frequented it a lot.
"Gwen." He acknowledged in the same tone. He walked past her quietly shutting the office door, he didn't miss the look Ianto and Tosh shared, but it didn't compare to his more pressing thoughts. He walked behind her and laced an arm around her waist, holding her to him but not inescapably. "What are you thinking?" She was hesitant to answer so many possibilities streaming through her mind.
"That you're a manipulative bastard." She wasn't even lying; she'd just bent the truth a little. She was thinking too many things to list so she'd chosen to share one meagre thought.
"That's true, and yet you're not pushing me away?" Jack seemed to question a fact, wanting answers even though they were before him. Somehow sound made them real.
"Yes." Her confidence was rising back to its usual levels, her guard being rebuilt.
"You asked me to kiss you?" Again it had happened it was real, and yet he had to inquire to believe.
"Yes." Gwen broke free of his arms and went and sat down opposite Jack's usual chair. He stood silently for a moment like a lost puppy.
"Why?" He moved slowly and sat opposite her the large wooden desk distancing them. It felt wrong.
"Because I wanted you to," she raised her eyebrows indicating how stupid she thought his questions were.
"Oh.... um..." Should he continue? She didn't give him a chance.
"This needs to stop the arguments the kissing all of it needs to stop now. Ianto talked to me and they're right it's not fair." She spoke robotically from the mind and not the heart he noted. However, she was stubborn and right, he was reluctant to argue.
"If that's what you want." He stared into her eyes trying to see the truth behind them. She tutted and put her face in her hands. Her body shook with silent tears. He let her cry herself out. It was a full seven minutes, before she looked up again. He hadn't moved.
"I don't know what I want, that's the fucking problem. I want you, and I want Rhys for totally different reasons. And I hate you, my god I fucking hate you most of the time. I owe Rhys and I owe myself. I don't know what to do. Too many people are suffering because of my indecision and I won't have it Jack. You're my arrogant prick of a boss and that's where it ends." Her anger at herself took him by surprise and he just nodded dumbly. She stood up and headed for the door, silently ordering herself to forget what she felt for Jack.
"I love you." His whisper wasn't meant to reach her but it carried, she turned in shock. There was something else written upon her face but he couldn't define it.
"What'd you go and say that for?" She demanded.
"It's true." Jack dismissed.
"No. It's. Not." With each word she took a step back towards the desk. Jack took a side glance out of the window and saw they were being watched, even Myfanwy seemed enthralled. "You can't love, Captain Jack Harkness." She spoke coldly her finger raised jabbing at him. "You don't know how to love. Rhys loves me, but you. Fuck no you just want a shag. Now you've gone and made me fall for you and when you've had enough you'll discard me. You make me sick. Forget what happened today Jack cause it doesn't mean anything to me, just like you don't and you never will." Her words made Jack's blood run cold and anger pulsed through him within seconds he'd closed the blinds. He grabbed her arms and held her up against the wall his grip was firm, and the sudden movement shocked her into shrieking. Tears were trying to escape from the corners of his eyes, but rage held them back. "Jack you're hurting me." His hands squeezed so tight she felt like the circulation was being cut off.
"Don't ever say I can't love. I may not be able to die but I still have a fucking heart Gwen. I have loved and I do love and I'm sure I will love in the future. Do you know how many people who I've loved I've seen die? Did it never occur to you I don't get close to people, not because I don't care, but because I'm scared of getting hurt again. Of losing yet another person that means so much to me, seeing them cold and lifeless hurts more than anything else in the universe. It hurts so much I welcome death I'd do anything to bring them back. DOES IT!" he shouts the last words, his face only millimetres from hers. Tears pour down Gwen cheeks.
"I'm sorry." She whispers sincerely. He drops her to the floor, and subconsciously notices her arms are already starting bruise. She wipes away her tears and composes herself, so that she can stand up. She goes to lift her hand to his cheek, but he pushes her arm firmly away.
"Get out." He says through gritted, trying to stop himself from crying. How could she say that to him? Gwen doesn't move, just stares at him apology in her eyes. "GET OUT NOW!" He balls his hand into a fist and lifts it above his head. She needs no further instruction and closes the door just, as he breaks down in tears.