Disclaimer: I don't own them, Paramount does.
Author: Major_Ryan Notes: This is not for the faint hearted J/Cer. Rating: T Has swearing.

Miss Lonely

'This is it. I'm home and everyone is home,' she thought.

A tear escaped as it rolled down her soft warm cheek and splashed on the cold surface of her desk.
'I'm home, now what? What is there now? I kept my word and lived for the crew, now I suddenly have to live for myself?' She thought.
Kathryn felt deep fear for the first time in seven years. She rested back in her chair and cradled her head in her hands. The tears flowed more rapidly now. Her hands were drenched from her cying.

'Oh God, look how old I'm getting'. She thought as she looked at her hands that were defined with more age then she cared to notice before.

She felt cold as her body shivered. The cool brushed upon her skin, which reacted harshly. 'I'm not going to let this get to me. I have to be strong. I have to be strong'. More tears fell as she coughed trying to catch her breath. She stood up and wiped her face with her hand. She stood for a few seconds, slowly rocking her body from foot to foot.

'We all got home and no one has paid more of a price then me. No family, no life, no Chakotay,' she thought.

"Damn it!" She yelled as she picked up her favourite coffee mug and threw it across the room.

The object hurdled across the room and hit the wall. The piercing smash echoed through the room as she watched it fall to the floor. She instantly felt better and a warm rush flowed through her. So full of rage now, she couldn't stop, she had been holding it in for years, and she needed closure.

'Well you got them home. that's the thing that counts.' She lied to herself. "Ah what a load of crap!" She yelled as she violently waved her arms around the air.

Her yelling could be heard from the bridge and everyone on shift noticed it. Tom turned around to look at Chakotay who was already heading for the ready room.

"Kathryn, what's going on?" Chakotay said as he ran in the room, not even wating for the doors to fully open before she saw the concern in his eyes.

Kathryn stood there, eyes wide and tears still welling on her cheeks. She looked at him for what seemed like minutes, but was only a few seconds. Her gaze seemed to just look straight through him. Her mind was telling her to be rational, but her heart wanted to punish him for her anguish. How could this man stand by me and when I needed him the most, he leaves. Her look suddenly turned fierce as she clenched her teeth.

"You bastard!" She yelled as she lunged for him.

Closed fists were thumping his chest with all the force she could dish out. As her eyes closed tight and her face scrunched up as she continued her assault.

"I hate you! You bastard, you left me like everyone else! You said you wouldn't leave and you left me!" She wailed. Her body shaking as she hit him again and again.

Chakotay tried to stop her by grabbing her arms. He had to use all his strength to hold her back. She wriggled furiously trying to escape his grasp. Crushing her hands under his force, he held them, as his rage surged coursed through every muscle in his body. It pitted deep in his gut and up to his throat ready to erupt at any second. 'How dare she, How dare she start this up again, haven't I been your faithful dog long enough?'. He used his tight grip on her to shove her backwards into the desk as he let go of her hands.

Kathryn fell back into the desk and felt her thigh impact the corner with force. She rubbed it to ease the throbbing as she just stared at him. Panting from her exhaustion she snuffed undignified as she raised her hand to strike him across the cheek. Chakotay instantly felt the sting of the blow, which was so hard it jerked his head to the side. His anger taking hold of him again as he lunged for her. Grabbing each of her shoulders with his large hands and squeezing them tight he pushed her against his chest and kissed her. As he kissed her, his lips slammed hers so hard it nearly knocked them both over. His pressure was crushing them as he continued to kiss her harder and harder.

Kathryn's anger began to wash away and her body went limp as she let him abuse her the way she did him. His hands slowly released their grip on her shoulders and trailed down the crook of her back. The soft fabric revealed every curve and texture of her as he reached her ass. He squeezed it tightly, taking in a full hold of flesh. Kathryn gasp at his actions and tried to free herself. Chakotay just held her tighter as his tounge parted her lips. The kiss intensified as Kathryn relished in the feel of him. Finally getting to kiss him they way she wanted to for so very long. She started crying heavier. Chakotay slowly let go of her and pulled away to look at her. Making sure he had got her attention. He wanted to make sure she wasn't still fighting and defiant for what he planned next. He grabbed her chin with his hand holding it up, forcing her to look at him. His anger and hurt now in full view of her.

"You ignore me for seven years and all of a sudden I'm suppose to drop everything and love you.?" he hissed while spitting his words at her.

His face was mere inches away from her at that very moment. He loved her more then life itself, but he too was plagued by the affects the delta quadrant had left on him. Then again he was so sick of her after her seven year event and just asking one more thing of him was enough to let him loose control. He let go of her face and turned to leave. He stopped before walking out the doors to tell her what he had wanted to voice for a long time. He smiled at her, flashing those dimples he knew drove her crazy.

"You made your choice, live with it, Captain!" He stated emotionlessly as he turned back and left the room.

As the doors to the ready room opened, everyone on the bridge was staring in his direction. He shot them a stern look before handing the bridge to Tuvok. He made his way to the turbo lift as a tear rolled down is cheek. 'Thats harsh even for you' He told himself.

Kathryn knew she had hurt him and she knew that it was too late. Now that they were finally home she laughed at the irony of it all. 'Now were home and I can openly love you, but its too late.' She sat back at her desk sighing. She had humiliated herself and him to the point of no return. 'So much for your beloved Starfleet persona'she scolded herself. As the tears fell down she decided she had to come to terms with it, but her heart didn't seem up to the challenge. Feeling waisted she brushed off her uniform and contemplated what she needed to do to start living again.

The End