Disclaimer- Don't own Bella, don't own New Moon, because last I checked: My name wasn't Stephenie Meyer *rolls eyes*

Warnings: Cutting, suicide attempt, references of rape

Songs for this chapter: How far we've come by Matchbox 20 or Welcome to My life by Simple Plan (pick which one you like better XD)

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Chapter 1: Oblivious Death

Bella

~*~

Are you really this

Oblivious, or do you

Just wish that you were?

~*~

I hesitated while opening the car door. Charlie was waiting on the porch, and was walking over this very second. This was my last chance, if I acted fast I could swing open the door and run for it. My hand was midway through opening the door when it occurred to me I'd just trip anyway.

Klutzy Bella, couldn't even run on a flat surface without falling on her face. If I couldn't even do that right, what could I do right? Nothing seemed to be the answer. I'd lost everything in the last few months, or at least everything that mattered.

I was so caught up in my thoughts of making a break for it, I was surprised by Charlie's voice at the truck window.

"Billy called. He said you got in a fight with Jake—said you were pretty upset," he explained as he opened my door for me.

Then he looked at my face. The kind of horrified recognition registered in his expression. My face felt empty and cold, and I realized what it would remind him of. ¹

Instantly I knew I'd dropped my façade for too long. Quickly, I replaced my mask, and tried to repair the damage my slip up had caused.

"It wasn't really a fight Ch-Dad. A minor disagreement really." I tried to smile at the end, but it died as soon as it graced my lips.

Charlie's eyes narrowed, though I could tell he didn't really want to push me, his curiosity was getting the better of him and he was dieing to question me.

"Does this have anything to do with Sam Uley?"

I stared at him blankly for a second. I'd completely forgotten I'd told him about Sam and the cult that I was sure existed now.

"What? No."

"Bells—"

"Seriously Dad, no. It was just a little heated argument, we'll be friends" I choked on the word, unable to believe that that's what we had been mere hours before, "by tomorrow. I'm sure of it."

Without looking at his face I walked into the house, and up the stairs.

"Bells, where are you going?"

"I'm tired, I'm going to turn in early, okay?" I was already closing the bathroom door shut behind me when I heard his weak okay.

I leaned against the cold wooden door, the brass doorknob sticking into my side. Slowly I turned the knob and locked myself in. Even slower, I walked to the mirror, scared of what would be in that reflection.

Sure enough, I crumbled. The girl in the mirror was a shell of what I remember being. My heart shaped face was gaunt, and paler than it had ever been before. My cheeks were sunken into my face and I had dark circles my eyes, making me look like a ---. I couldn't even think that word without being reminded of him.

My brown hair was tangled and windswept from being down at La Push, my bangs had grown out a little more and now covered my lifeless chocolate eyes.

Memories of him telling me how my eyes used to tell him how I was feeling, though he couldn't read my mind, bubbled from the cage I'd locked them in at the far end of my mind. That was the last crack my well built dam could take. Thoughts and memories of him and his family flooded my mind. Memories of happier times brought nothing but pain and disgust, because I knew how they'd all end.

With me in the dirt, my angel speaking words of hatred above me. Only now it was worse than ever before. Images from a mere hour before haunted my mind. Jacob, my sun, the one happiness I happiness I had left in this world, was screaming at me, breaking my heart as he told me we were never to see each other again.

I felt another stab in the heart. What was I suppose to do without him? He had sewn what was left of me back together after his departure and after what they had done. When I was sure I wasn't going to be able to make it through the storm, he was my lighthouse. Without him, I was broken, shipwrecked upon the rocks. Without my sun, there was only darkness.

Sobs began to wrack my body as I undressed and stepped into the shower. I turned on the water, not minding the freezing water that hit my skin in small, sharp pellets. Showers had always been a time where I could calm down, and think things over. Right now however, it did little to help ease my pain.

I'd lost everything, my love, my family, my best friend. Now that I thought about, it's no surprise no one wants me. I was dirty, used, mortal. There was nothing special about me, I was just another nameless girl in the crowd. I'm lucky to have even had them while I did. I'd gotten countless moments of happiness, of peace, now I was over staying my welcome.

I looked down at my arms. I hadn't noticed that the water had turned warm, but my arms had turned red from the blistering hot water. Instead of turning it lower, I grabbed the soap and began to scrub my arms.

"Time heals all wounds for your kind."¹

The memory, his voice, so clear in my mind, I could feel the cool earth beneath me, could feel the wet soil seep into my jeans and feel it stuck beneath my fingernails. A small chuckle escaped my lips. My angel may know a century's worth of knowledge, but he didn't know how wrong he was about this, about me.

I scrubbed at my arm relentlessly. How I wished I could heal the wounds the world had dealt to me, to just scrub those memories from my mind. To be as strong as he'd thought I was, instead of the weak, pathetic excuse for a human that I was.

"I'm sorry Bella."¹

No, I'm sorry Jacob. You are right, you deserve better than me, you deserve more. No wonder why you left, no wonder why he left. I scrubbed harder, raking my skin with my fingernails, leaving small white tracks up and down my arms from the scratches.

"No one wants you, no one wanted you in the first place."

Another laugh fell from my lips. Even nameless strangers knew no one would want me. Of course what they did to me only broke me more. I looked down at my arms, specks of red had appeared on them, having pierced my skin with my sharp, jaged nails. An idea came to mind.

My razor sat at the edge of my bathtub, razor blades facing upwards catching the florecent light's rays making the blades shine. They were begging for me to grab them and put them to my soft flesh.

I'd never been suicidal. Cutting, on the other hand, had come to my mind a couple of times before, but my promise not to do anything stupid or dangerous was always at the back of my mind. Last I'd checked, cutting was both stupid AND dangerous. So, in the end, I'd always chicken out or stop myself last second, but after recent events, would I be able to resist temptation?

Slowly I picked up the razor, rolling the handle in the palm of my hand. The metal was cold and smooth, much cooler than the water that continued to scorch my skin. Carefully, I brought it down to my wrist. The blades were sharp against my skin, and a shiver of both excitement and fear went down my back. I was about to add pressure, when I remembered: Charlie.

My breath caught in my throat. What if he came to check up on me and caught me? While struggling to remember how long I'd been in the shower for, I strained my ears to hear him downstairs. I heard a whistle and cheering coming from the living room, making me sigh with relief. He was watching a game, he's totally forgotten about me. Just as oblivious as always.

Without a second thought, I pushed the razor hard against my wrist and sliced. I took in a sharp breath. The pain was excruciating, and made my head spin. For a second it was all I could concentrate on, and that brought a smile to my lips.

No more thoughts of Jacob, no more thoughts of those men, no more thoughts of Edward. The thought of his name brought back the pain, and my peace was short lived. Before I could think against it, I switched the razor to my other hand and slit my other wrist, and basked in the following euphoria known as pain.

My spinning head caught my attention, and when I looked down I saw why. Blood was gushing from both of my wrists, running down my hand, and dripping down the drain. The once white bathtub was stained red, and the smell made me sick to my stomach. My knees were starting to give way, so I slowly lowered myself into a sitting position.

I sat there a few more seconds, watching the blood drip from my wrists, mixing with the still running water, resulting in a pinkish liquid that then flowed down the drain. With a startling realization, I noticed I was losing too much. Panic set it, but when I tried to my hand, it merely twitched. Scared, I tried moving my legs. They moved awkwardly, and out of my control, as the slid back and forth on the wet surface of the bath floor.

My mouth opened to scream, but there was no sound. I was trapped, in a bathtub stained with my blood, unable to move or scream.

I was going to die.

¹ = From New Moon by Stephanie Meyer!

That concludes the first chapter of "What she didn't see". Please review, but no flames! Chap 3 is in the making JUU!!! ; P