Eragon - What Really Happened

Chapter 3: Yay, Camping Trip!

Eragon woke up in the middle of a forest. Brom was standing next to him.

"Owwww…. Where am I?" Eragon said, rubbing his head.

"That's easy." Brom said. "You're in the spine. You've been unconscious for 9 months now. We've been on a camping trip fo a while, you know, with the smores, and the sleeping bags, and the giant vampie bugs and stuff. Oh, and by the way, the Ra'zac killed your uncle and destroyed your home."

"What?"

Hello, Eragon.

"Mr. Heavy? Is that you? How can I hear you? Get out of my brain! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Eragon got up and ran screaming in circles until a large creature caught him and held him up to its face.

Calm down, you idiot boy! We have a telepathic connection. And I am a she, not a he, so stop calling me Mr. Heavy. It is undignified.

"Is that you Mr. Heavy? Did you get really big? Wow, it is you! This is so cool, you're like, a giant unicorn!

I am not a unicorn! I am a dragon! AND FOR THE LAST TIME STOP CALLING ME MR. HEAVY!

"Ok, Ok, so then what should I call you? I don't even know any good dragon names!" said Eragon. He had a temper tantrum for a little bit until Brom said, "I know some dragon names!" Eragon looked up from his fetal position excitedly. "Well, there was Chuck, Randy, Maleficent, Sir Arnold Wrecking Ball McBippypants, Ronald McDonald, and Saphira."

"Hm…" thought Eragon.

I'll give you a hint. It's the only girl name.

"Sir Arnold Wrecking Ball McBippypants!" exclaimed Eragon. Saphira squeezed him even harder. "O…K… Saphira it is…" he said, gasping for air.

Thank You! Said Saphira, and released him.

"Oh!" said Brom. "I forgot to tell you! I had a baby!"

"WHAT?"

"Oh my God! Gannondorf is attacking!

"………"

"Sorry, you know, I hallucinate sometimes."

"………"

After another pause, "What's a Gannondorf anyway?" asked Eragon.

He is the final boss from The Legend of Zelda. He's very hard to beat.

"Oh." Said Eragon. "Um, when did you have your baby, Brom?"

"You know, I think that was a hallucination as well."

"………"

"Well, we have a plot to continue, so now we have to go find the big creepy dudes." Said Brom.

"You mean the Ra'zac?" asked Eragon

"Yeah, them. Oh, and here, take this sword. Its name is Zar'Roc." Said Brom, handing Eragon a sword.

"Why is it red?"

"Ha! Funny story! See, I was having one of my hallucinations, and-"

"I don't wanna know." Said Eragon. "Now let's go."

Eragon packed his sword, comic books, video games, and hair gel, while Brom packed his medications. They climbed onto Saphira's back. She tried to fly off, but yelped, and couldn't get off the ground.

Brom! You're too fat. Get off. NOW. She thought to Brom and Eragon, who snickered.

Brom reluctantly got off of Saphira. He sat down and sulked in a fetal position.

Suddenly the hole opened up in the sky again and the 'big voice' said, "Saphira, don't insult Brom. We all know he's morbidly obese as well as insane, but your teasing is messing up the plot."

What is this whole plot thing about in the first place, anyway?

"Yeah," said Eragon, "Everyone keeps talking about it, but I have no clue what it means."

I am starting to question your authority, big voice.

"Don't mess with me, dragon. I have universal powers, you know."

I shall mess if I see fit.

"You know, just for that, I will change the storyline. Brom will lose weight, and you will have to fight the Ra'zac in ten days. Be ready. I expect Brom to be totally fit in one week, Eragon, Saphira. Now good day."

Nice job, Eragon.

"What did I do?"

You were an idiot, that's what. You can thought speak with me, too, you know.

I can? Said Eragon to Saphira.

Yes, nitwit, you can.

"Cool!" Yelled Brom, interrupting their imaginary spat. "I get to lose weight! This will be great for my hot bod. Let's get to work!"

Eragon and Saphira exchanged tired glances.

Well, said Eragon, We'd better go.

This is going to be a bad experience, said Saphira.

Now is the part of the story where, if this was a movie, they'd play that catchy workout song from 'Rocky' and show Brom getting really exhausted and then gradually getting better and stuff. Aside from the parts where he falls down and drops weights on himself and gets barbecued by Saphira, it's really boring and I don't feel like explaining it. So, let's skip to the part where I come and make them fight 'the big creepy dudes' and stuff.

"Well, Eragon, Saphira, where's Brom?"

"He's over there, hugging that tree." Said Eragon, pointing to the forest, where indeed, Brom was hugging a tree.

"I knew he was an environmentalist, but this is… discouraging…" the big voice said.

"Oh, treesie, you bad boy, you- oh… hello, big voice! How are you today? Lovely weather, hm?" said Brom, inching away from the tree.

"Let me see your muscles, Brom." The big voices said, and Brom jumped into various poses that showed off his buffness. "Alright, you pass. Now you get to fight the Ra'zac. Bye now."

The hole in the sky closed up, and there was another flashy flash of light, and standing before Eragon, Saphira, and Brom, were two Ra'zac.

Big gasp!