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Reason for update: Because I love you guys oh so freakin' much, here I am on a library computer updating. So ha! Take that laziness! Who's got the initiative now!
NOTE: Computer finally fixed! Guess my library updates won't continue, eh? Oh wellz.
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"(Sob) H-hey hey you you (sniff), I don't like your g-girlfri-girlfriend…oh gawd…(wipes eyes) n-no way, no way, I think…I think you need a new oooo-onnne…wah…. (Sniff)…(whimper.)"
"Not to interrupt your little emo, cutting your wrists while singing girly out-dated songs session, but can we go to Wall Mart now? Y'know I can't leave without you…"
"(Gasp) Really?"
"Yeah. You're the only one with money around here."
"Oh…are you sure it's not because you lurve me?"
"(Already left, and is starting up his motorcycle.)"
"Oh well…(puts back on goggles.)"
I roll down my sleeves and grab my MasterCard©. Making my way to the front door, I hear the rumbling of Mello's phat motorcycle. Either that or L's stomach. I really hope it's not the latter. Hungry L equals goodbye chocolate. (And any other sweets in Whammy House.) Goodbye chocolate equals angry Mello. And angry Mello...(insert dead Matt here. Or broke Matt. Or both.)
Which is bad.
...So yeah.
Anyway, Mello and I go on the motorcycle, and head towards Wall Mart. We're in traffic, so we're surrounded by yelling ranting people, car honks, and floating Shinigami.
...Wait, Shinigami in England? They're not supposed to be here, they're exclusive to Japan!
Hold the phone...Shinigami aren't real anyway!
I'm probably just hallucinating...it wouldn't have been the first. I've seen pigs with wings, swimming robots, and talking llamas. But I've never seen a hallucination twice. I know I've seen this Shinigami before...
It's probably just a side-effect of smoking. I should lay off...nah!
I glare at the Shinigami, who is looking at its reflection in a car's window. For some odd reason the Shinigami climbs onto a car. WTH?
Suddenly, the traffic clears. Mello revs up and zooms off. Right past the Shinigami on the car. "Mello wait!" Too late. I turn around, and see that the Shinigami is just a dot. Soon, a car blocks my vision; I turn my attention back to the front of the road. Or the back of Mello's head. Y our choice.
Mello glares at me. Well, I can't actually see him glaring, but I'm pretty sure he is judging by the tone of his voice. "The heck was that, telling me to wait back there?!"
I'm glad we're on the motorcycle, 'else there'd be a gun to my head right about now.
"Nothing…just thought I saw something."
"What'd you see?"
"You'll laugh…"
"I won't! Promise."
"…I thought I saw a Japanese Grim Reaper."
"Grim…Reaper?"
"Yes."
"Okay…erm, what made you think it was a Grim Reaper, and not someone in costume for one of those stupid cons you love so much?"
"Cons aren't stupid! And besides, why are you so interested? I expected you to tell me to lay off the video games or something…"
"Dunno. Bored."
"Well, I know it was a Shinigami 'cause I saw it before. In Japan. It was a while back…"
FLASHBACK
L: (smiles at Matt) Are you enjoying being in Japan?
Matt: (smiles at L) Are you enjoying being handcuffed to Light-kun?
Matt and L: (smiling at each other) Yes!
Light: (eye-roll) L, I need to use the bathroom.
L: Okie dokie Lighty! (Turns to Matt) You continue reprogramming the Investigation teams' computers. We'll be right back. (Gets dragged off by Light)
Matt: (waves hand energetically) Bye L! (Is now all alone, typing on computer) La la la la la la…(hears crunching sound) What was that? (turns around and sees Ryuk, eating an apple) OH MY L!!
Ryuk: (surprised) you can see me?
Matt: (shocked, nods slowly)
Ryuk: Hyuk hyuk hyuk…(finishes apple) do you know what I am, human? I am a Shinigami.
Matt: Omg!
Ryuk: Relax…I won't hurt you. Your name's Matt, right?
Matt: Yeah…are you going to steal my soul? (Gasp) Are you Kira?
Ryuk: Do you have an apple?
Matt: Strangely enough, yes. (Pulls out a Dam Yoo apple)
Ryuk: Gimme. (Grabs apple. Both hear toilet flush.) Aww, gotta run. Er, fly. (Jumps outta window.)
Matt: …I should really lay off the smokes.
END FLASHBACK
"So yeah. That was why I was off of cigarettes for 30 minutes, before I snapped and destroyed the computers with my m3d cold turkey typing skillz. L forced me to go home, and hired someone else."
"…You're a moron."
"But I'm your moron!"
"True, true. Look, we're here."
"Yay!"
Mello parks his hot wheels, and we make our way to the Wall Mart entranc- BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
"WTH?!" We both exclaimed as a series of highly trained 16-year-old Wall Mart employees tackled us down.
As my ribs were being squashed, I found myself blacking out. Curse my low threshold for pain!
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When I woke up, I found myself and Mello tied and gagged in a corner. The room was luminated by a single hanging light bulb.
"Well, well, well…lookie what we've got here," remarked a snarky disembodied voice.
Mello managed to chew through his binds with his m3d choco-chomping skillz. "The heck's going on?!"
"Apparently the both of you are withholding arms of destruction that could potentially harm my valuable customers on your persons."
I managed to digest my gag with my stomach of steel. Actually, it's really more of a stomach of mithril. "…Say what?"
"He means that we're carrying weapons, ya Narutard!"
"Oh. But I'm not carrying anything lethal-"
"Except your breath." quipped Mello.
"Shut up blondie! It's Mr. Let's Blow Up the Disney Store because They Don't Sell Chocolate from Neverland you should be checking out!"
"Oh come on! You wanted to blow it up too, remember?!"
"Yeah…I can't believe they didn't have anything on Kingdom Hearts! Those selfish sons of bad guys…"
The impatient voice grew impatient as this went on, until finally it burst, "I don't care about the Disney store, gawd! Just remove your weapons!"
"Uh…that's kinda hard to do, seeing as how Mellow-yellow and I are tied up with gigantic coils of rope that are slowly squeezing my ribs together. Y'know, I tend to black out when my ribs are squeez…"
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I woke up a little later in the same room, untied. Mello was standing above me, yelling at me to stop blacking out. Yeah, whatever.
Whoa. Beside him was a humungous pile of weapons. Hand guns, sniper rifles, swords, nun-chucks, bayonets, spears, cannons, lances, maces, pepper spray cans, axes, crossbows, knives, grenades, C4, shuriken (metal and paper), napalm, and an atom bomb sitting on top of the pile that looked like it could collapse at any moment.
"..."
"What?" Mello barked. Then he tossed his hair stylishly. "A fashionable guy such as myself has to be prepared against stalkers."
Tch. Typical Mello.
The disembodied voice made a strangled sound before clearing out its throat. "Well, you're free to go. Except for you…Matt." Funny. It almost sounds like the voice changed. "Hey Mello didn't the voice chang-"
Too late. Mello was nowhere to be seen. That sneaky ice queen!
"You must give me your goggles…Matt."
"Huh? Why?! Do you know how many bids I had to out-bid to get this on Ebay?!"
"Just put the goggles on the floor Matt, and you can go free."
"You can't keep me here forever!"
"I beg to differ," cackled the voice, which started to sound creepier by the second. "Hyuk hyuk hyuk…"
Omg. Where have I heard that laugh before?
"Y-you're the Shinigami!"
"Hyuk! Hi Matt. Long time no see."
"W-why do you want my goggles? Why are you here?!"
"Put the goggles on the ground or forfeit your soul."
I put down the goggles.
"Good boy."
A door opens bursting with light. I shield my untrained eyes from the unbearable glare, and run outta there. Now to find Mello.
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I walked down the unfamiliar hall. It seemed to stretch on and on. Every so often a door would appear, but every time I eagerly reached to open it, I'd read the sign boldly printed on each one: GIRLS BATHROOM.
WTF's going on?!
Hmm, maybe the next one!
…No, it's a girls bathroom.
Oh! The next one for sure!
…No, it's another girls bathroom.
This one has to be!
…Aww man!
37 girls bathrooms passings' later, I decided I HAD to take the next door that came my way, no matter what! I missed human presence, icky or not. 5 minutes later, I came across another door. I shut my eyes, opened the door, and walked in.
Fwap!
Next thing I knew, I was on my back with a tampon pointed at my head. A hysterical voice shrieked at me. "Aiiie! Pervert! You English are all the same! I hate England! Misa-Misa wants to go home now! Why did my boyfriend and that icky detective have to go on a secret mission, and then leave me here?!"
During her little rant, I managed to push her incredibly heavy boot off of me.
"Whoa, I wasn't spying on you, conceited." Before she could retort, I sprang up and made a dash towards the door. "A liar and a pervert! Just like icky L!"
I stopped in my tracks. "Gaspage! You know L?" How the Llama did a girl like her know L-sama?!
"Sadly." Misa sniffed. "Why?"
"Well…er, you don't seem his type, y'know? I always wrote him off as liking the calm, intelligent, homicidal, kind…"
The blonde let out a giggle. "That sounds like my Lighty-right!" She did a prideful little hair-flip.
I stared. "Yowza…you look exactly like my BFF Mello! Except with pig-tails and tighter leather."
"Hmm Mello…rhymes with jello!"
"I know, eh?"
We had a LOL moment.
"Anyhow…why are you dating L?"
"(gasp) How dare you suggest Misa would even touch that icky homo!"
"Oh, you're homophobic?"
"No, of course not! Misa-Misa loves BL! Just not L…eww…"
"(Sniff) How can you be disgusted in someone as smart as L?"
"Misa hates him so much that Misa could…" the girl threw a fist at the wall in frustration. "Argh!"
CRACK.
"Yow! Did you break your fist?!"
CRACK.
"Nope. Hmmm." Misa cocked her head. "What's that sound?"
CRACK.
"What sound?"
CRACK. CRUMBLE.
"That cracking sou-" Misa's voice was drowned out by the wall disintegrating.
". . ." We stared at the newly made entrance.
"Misa-chan, you work out too much."
"Tee hee!"
The entrance seemed to lead to a dark tunnel. I couldn't see the end to it.
"So…what now Matt?"
"Ladies first." I made an elegant bow in her direction.
POW.
"Ow, ow, ow…I get it." Reluctantly, I limped into the uncertain darkness.
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I don't know how long we walked. All I can say is, that in that period of time I learned the difference between a light dark blonde hair dye and a dark light blonde hair dye, how to teach a kindergarten class via cell phone, and why Light Yagami is "the beautiful-est, fairest, uber-coolest, kindest, sweetest, boy in the whole wide world!" Just as I was about to learn the secret formula to ever-lasting nail polish, I heard voices coming up from ahead. "C'mon!"
We dashed onward. The closer we got, the more coherent the voices were.
"-I said no more!"
"Just a little bit more Light-kun!"
Misa opened her mouth to gasp. I covered her mouth and beckoned her to creep slowly towards the speakers.
"I said NO!"
"But I'm still hungry!"
"Grr…I'm taking it away!"
POP.
"Light you meanie! WAH!"
"Misa'll kill you!"
"But it tastes so good!"
By then, Misa was going berserk. "What the donkey are they doing?!" she whisper-screamed. I tried to hold her down, but the she-beast was invincible. She managed to break free, and then started to scream. "LIGHT! L! YOU JERKWADS, GET YOUR ARSES OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK 'EM!!"
I heard the duo chorus "oh shiznit." Then the sound of shoes and bare feet hitting the ground, echoing before fading away.
"I'M GONNA GET THAT L! FOR CORRUPTING MY LIGHT!" the goth girl bellowed. "HOW DARE THEY LEAVE ME IN A WASROOM FOR A 'SECRET AGENT MISSION'?!" Funny. She looks just like Mello-jello when he's mad. Except less cuter. She took off in a hurry, her boots leaving heavier sounds than the two boys. Hmm…should I follow her? She could lead me to Mello…then again, do I really want to see grown men crying?
…Heck yeah! I followed after her, the dark tunnel growing darker and darker with each step. This reminds me of a birthday party.
…Except there's no birthday. And there's no party. So in a way, it's nothing like a birthday party. Hn. Did I just ramble nonsense again?
"Yes. And outloud too." Remarks a familiar voice. Oh. My. Albino. Dolphin. "MELLO-CHAN!" I glomped the blonde with all my manly might. "I've never been so happy to see you! Well actually…"
FLASHBACK
Bully: how do you like this, ya GameBoy? More like GayBoy! HA HA!
Matt: Wah…
Mello: (walks in) Hey you! (Pulls out paint ball gun and shoots bully repeatedly) no one bullies my Mattie!
Matt: OMG, my hero!
Mello: Don't touch me.
END FLASHBACK
"Well that was short. It only lasted 40 MINUTES!!"
"O rly?"
SMACKITY SMACK SMACK.
"…Owie."
"Let's go, weotch."
"Right-o!"
"Raito? What about him?"
"Huh? No…right and o. Right-o. Jeez, it's common brit slang."
"Oh."
"Speaking of Light, I remember! I was following this blonde chick who looked just like you, 'cause she was totally gonna OWN L and Light."
"(Gasp) L's here?!"
"Yeppers."
The young gang-banger hyperventilated for a while, then proceeded to shake me.
"You moron! Why didn't you tell me this before?! Which way?"
I pointed. He gave me a quick smack, before running as fast as his legs could carry him to his idol.
END
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Ch.3 Omake…kinda
Q and A!
Q. That Avril Lavigne song in the beginning is so old.
A. STFU.
Q. How can you see Ryuk?
A. I dunno. Maybe you'll find out later. :)
Q. When did you start smoking?
A. Well…when I was small, I was just a kid who lurved video games. And then…I played the Gravitation RPG, based on the yaoi anime! In it, there was the KEWLEST character ever named Yuki Eiri, a regular smoker. So…that's why I started. (That, and the fact Yuki is Mello's favourite character.)
Q. What's the difference between light blond hair dye and dark light hair dye?
A. SE-CR-ET.
"You forgot, didn't you?"
"How could I not Near? It involved flying puppies, exploding water bottles, and a sock full of orange dung beetle imported from Egypt."
Q. Any tips for gamers?
A. Yep! Never kiss your teeth in the mafia; it's a baaad thing to do. Also, remember to always carry a long range and a close range weapon, in case you meet a variety of enemies.
Next time: The gang climbs a ladder up to…France?!
A/N: Thank you for reading this! Update will be soon-ish!