What Really Happened in Eragon?

Chapter 4: Fight and Flight... Sorta

"Whoa! Dude! Like, What the heck are we doing here? Joe, I think I had another bad cheeseburger." Said one Ra'zac, looking around in surprise at his newfound surroundings.

"Cheeseburger…" said the other Ra'zac, evidently named Joe.

"Oh. Hey, dudes. Like, what are we doing here? You have any idea why I wanna beat the crap out of you strangers?" said the first Ra'zac, just noticing our main characters. "And, uh, my names Mike, and this here's Joe." The Ra'zac gestured to himself and then to Joe, who was still ignoring them.

"Hello! I'm Brom, and this is Eragon, and his dragon Saphira. The big voice from the sky told us to kill you." Said Brom.

"Well, then, dudes, I suppose we should get going here." Said Mike. "By the way, it was very nice to meet you two dudes" Saphira growled. "And dudettes… and dudettes…" he finished hastily.

"You too, Mike, Joe."

"Thanks!"

"Cheeseburgers…"

"But, before we begin," said Eragon, "Why'd you kill my uncle and destroy my house?"

"Oh, because Durz told us to. He's a shade." Answered Mike, casually.

"Why'd you listen to him in the first place? And isn't his name Durza?"

"Because he, like, brought us to life, you know?" said Mike. Eragon thought he sounded vaguely like Napoleon Dynamite. "And he went gangster a few years back. So now he's Durz from the hood, yo!"

Eragon was a little disturbed. "Why, big voice, why?" he said. The hole opened up in the sky again.

"Well, I wasn't getting enough views on this website, so I tweaked his character a bit. Ratings have been through the roof ever since. Oh, pardon, I farted."

Then the hole closed, leaving Eragon, once again, questioning the big voice that had, in fact, been responsible for the introduction of video games in his life. Then he forgot what he was thinking about and took out Zar'roc.

"Let's go then." He said. Eragon ran forward, screaming.

Suddenly a sports announcer popped out of nowhere and started commentating. This is what he said:

ESPN2 Sports Coverage, Chris Berman reporting live.

Hey, how'd I get here? Why am I- ohhh, fighting! Yay, now I get paid to commentate! Here comes Eragon, excellent form with Zar'roc, by the way, and he goes for a double backslash fakeout combo, and- oh, he got hit in the head with a cheeseburger! Excellent throw by Joe. Here comes Brom, and he appears to have no weapon whatsoever, and oh? What's this? Brom is pulling out a secret weapon! That's right folks, it's a- BB gun? Seriously, I don't know how he's going to defeat the Ra'zac with that kind of a weapon. But wait! Brom chucks it at Mike's head! He's out cold! Brom takes out a knife and raises it above his head! He brings it down, and- eugh…that's got to be painful! Well, Mike's a lady now, so let's go to Saphira. She appears to be battling Joe in a desperate bid to keep the unconscious Eragon safe. Brom comes running towards them, screaming, and jumps of Joe's back! He seems to be demanding a piggyback ride! They're struggling, folks! Oh, wait! Eragon is coming to! Yes, he's back in action! Eragon closes in for the final blow, and- yes! Target hit! Oh wait, that was Brom. Oopsies, Eragon! Wrong target!

"Brom!" Eragon screamed, brushing past Joe, whom Saphira ate in one bite.

"You… Idiot…" said Brom. "I'm dying…"

"Yes, I know."

"Wait… this… is out of order…"

"Yeah. I haven't even had my vision of Arya ye-"

Sorry I'm late, Eragon. The author was um, having lots of fun in author land, so, um-

"Arya, get on with it!"

OK, OK, so, yeah, and anyway, come save me, and um, I'm in Gil'ead, and stuff, and… Big voice, please don't hurt me! I'm too young to die! I'm only 70! WAAAAA!!!

"Whoa! She's 70! Ick!" said Eragon

"Well, there goes the love interest sub-plot. Thanks, Arya."

Sorry! Said Arya, and then Eragon's vision was over,

"OK… that… was freaky timing…" rasped Brom.

"Brom, you're not supposed to die yet. Arya messed up the plot because she was slacking off in prison, so just come back to life and then get killed again, OK?"

"OK!" yelled Brom, who was now fully healed. He jumped to his feet and ran in circles, screaming, "YAY, SAVE ELF! WHOOP DOOP DOO! YAY, SAVE ELF! WHOOP DOOP DOO! YEEEEAAAAAH!!!!!!"

"Brom. Brom! BROM!!!!!!" Said the big voice, but Brom didn't hear because he was screeching his new war cry that sounded like a mix between a banshee and Eragon when he volunteered to sing at Carvahall Karaoke Night. Trust me. NOT. NICE.

"What?" he said when he finally stopped torturing everyone with his terrible vocals.

"You still have to go to Terim so you can do some stuff there and make the plot develop more for no apparent reason."

"Darn it! Come on, Eragon. We gotta fly to Terim." Brom said. Eragon and Saphira packed up and set off.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a sec." Said Eragon.

"*Sigh* What do you want now?"

"Um, some chips, a movie, and a third arm, if you've got it."

"*Bigger Sigh* Fine, here you go."

Eragon squealed when some chips and a DVD player popped up in front of him. He nearly fainted of excitement when another arm grew out of his chest.

"Now will you leave me alone and let me develop the plot?"

"SQEEE… OK…" said Eragon, as the three flew off in the wrong direction.

Chapter Epilogue

The big voice smiled as she watched her characters fly off. She wiped a tear from her face as they disappeared over the horizon and said,

"God, they're stupid."

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! 2 chapters in 1 day! I'm on fire, baby! Remember, I do this for my fans, so keep commenting if you wand this story to continue! I you don't, I'll send Brom after you. He WILL sing. you have been warned.