Muhahaha
Muhahaha! Fear mah ficcy!
COMMENCE CRACK!
Thanks to Quarter Queen for correcting mah spelling of Wal-Mart. It's Wal-Mart, not WallMart apparently. (blushes) Mah bad...
And for those of you who are waiting for the Sims, I'jm sowwy, but this is a crack fic first, a fic with a plot based loosely on V1d30 Gam35!!1! second. And I swear to RA, I have 86 FLIPPING pages written out all ready...but I am the worst at typing and proof-reading. Hell, my hand-writing's so bad, I had to improvise some scenes here. :( Beta anyone?
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Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of an epiphany so fantabulous, I just gotta write it down!
…But then I realize the Simpsons already did it, and I go back to sleep.
How is this relevant to being trapped in an underground Wal-Mart tunnel, chasing an insomniac and his friend (with benefits)? It isn't. I needed an opening sentence, and it just went on from there.
Anyway.
"Faster Mattie! Keep up!" SMACK.
"If you're in front of me…how did you do that without turning around?"
(Thoughtful silence)
…SMACK. "Don't ask questions!" he snarled and went even faster. Now I'm pretty fast because of attending a multitude of EB Games' midnight madness events. But Mello's faster, 'cause he's used to dodging bullets, Near's glances, and Watari's pimp cane.
"It's strange that we haven't caught up with them yet." I mused out loud, hoping this wasn't a smack-worthy sentence. Sadly, it was. SMACK'D.
"(Thoughtful silence) On second thought, you're right."
"Does this I mean I get to smack you?"
"Buster, don't even think about it."
"LOL."
It really was strange that we hadn't caught up to them yet. I mean, computer nerds who spend all their time contradicting each other, tend to be PRETTY DANG SLOW. Heck, even slower that Gaara from Naruto: Ultimate Ninja 3- SMACK!
"No advertising!"
"Sowwy…"
"Hmm…Matt, are you sure we're going the right way?"
"Positive!" SMACK. Wrong answer...
Mello-jello suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. "How long do you figure this tunnel is? I mean, Wal-Mart's big, but not this big. We must be underground..."
"Kewl."
It wasn't long before even Mello's super special awesome legs began to tire, and we had to take a break.
"It's weird Matt, but there are more voices in my head than usual. And they're strangely non-violent."
"New voices eh? Funny, I hear 'em too."
Now everyone knows BFFs are kinda like twins. They get the same-ish dreams, can read each other's thoughts…and it was at this moment that Mello and me simultaneously looked up for no apparent reason, and saw…
…Air ventS. Notice the s was capital…
…'Cause there were billions of 'em! There was no ceiling at all! We gaped for a while before realizing that L and Light hadn't beaten us in a running race. They just had a higher attention span!
"So…who's bottom?"
"You are."
"It's always me!"
"You're ever so…stronger than me Matt. And…erm…manlier?"
Flattered, I allowed Mello to leg up on my hands, which had formed a make-shift bridge. He sprang up, and managed to jiggy open a vent. He grabbed on, and swung his way in, then pulled me up. He may be borderline anorexic, but he's pretty strong when it counts.
It was pretty dark in the vent, darker than the tunnel we had been in. Still, there was enough light to make out to faint shadows, dancing out of the corner of my nearly blind eyes.
"After them!" We took off. What's the word for crawling and running at the same time? Rawling? Or is it cunning?
SMACK. "That's already a word, buttwipe!"
"…How did you hear what I was thinking?"
"Hellooo, BFF ESP."
"Oh."
Anyhoo.
We cunned/rawled after the shadows. The air vent crawlspace gradually grew to a point where we could casually tiptoe over the vent holes. Pretty soon, we caught up near enough to hear voices.
"-Think we've escaped your girlfriends wrath?"
"I told you already, she's not my girlfriend!"
"Whatever two-timer. But don't expect any booty-calls between you and me Light-kun."
"Argh! I should never have agreed to going over here with you!"
"Technically you didn't agree…I just held your favourite pen hostage."
FLASHBACK
L: Light-kun, would you like to accompany me for something to be done in jolly ol' England?
Light: (Watching Naruto online) Tch, no. Deidera just lost both of his arms. I wanna see him acquire some Edward Elric-esque auto-mail!
L: If you don't…(holds a gun to Light's favourite pen)
Light: Noooess! I need that for homicide!
L: Whut?!
Light: Nothing…
L: …1000000 percent.
END FLASHBACK
"Just so you know, it's still 1000000 percent."
At this time, a rustling sound could be heard. They probably stopped so that Light could shake the living heck out of the detective. Now was our chance to catch up. We made a mad dash towards the two. Too bad God installed delayed brakes in us.
SMASH.
"Yow!"
"Itai…"
"Owie…"
"…You guys suck."
Light somehow had managed to use L as a shield, in the split second they had seen us, before we smashed into them.
"Hello Mello," he sneered, hands smugly in his pockets. He probably expected a diss fight.
"Whatever Yagami." Mello's eye took on the ever-familiar shojo sparkle. "OMG L! What a coincidence to see you!" He batted his eyes coyly. What a flirt.
"Whatever Keehl." L's eyes suddenly fixated on me. "Matt, what a surprise to see you…can we talk? In private?" I nodded, to Mello's dismay. We walked off in a corner, away from Miss Mafia and Mr. Justice. Commence diss fight.
"So, what's up?" I asked.
"..Your goggles…you gave them away. Why?"
"Hm? How'd you know that?"
"It involves quantum physics, rhubarb pies, orange fuzzy pens, and a dead Gundam pilot. Are you sure you want to know?"
"…"
"I thought so. Anyway, why'd you give them away? They were yours for a reason."
"I was forced to…it was either that, OR MY SOUL."
"…So?"
"Whaddya mean so?!"
"Those goggles are 1-of-a-kind. And you just let them go because of a measly offering of your soul? Pfht!" I must say, the man is an awesome raspberry-er.
"Screw you. And by screw," I added quickly. "I mean of the toolbox variety."
"A gay toolbox?"
"…"
I walked back to Mello, who looked like he was winning.
"You deprived a village of an idiot."
"Yagami, you deprived a village of a megalomaniac, so don't talk."
"Uneducated fool!" sputtered Light.
"Pretty boy!" Mello retorted.
"Ungroomed she-man!"
"You guys!" I yelled, trying to stop the catfight. They glanced at me for a few moments, then resumed.
"Killer!"
"Mafia thug!"
"At least I make MONEY through my violence!"
"Well I make the world a better place!"
"What are you, Barney? Face the facts; the world will always have bad people. Like me," he added.
"Why you-"
"Sorry to interrupt," L interrupted. "but it would be nice if we got out of this hell hole as fast as possible."
"Us Whammy Children mock-saluted at our idol, then followed L to Kira-knows-where. Light grumbled, but followed too. (You can't resist the power of L! No one can!)
Pretty soon, L's navigation skills (Notice it's 'skills, not 'skillz.' We respect him lotz) led us to a ladder. It looked like this:
H
H
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H
H
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H.
YES, THERE WERE GAPS IN BETWEEN. NO, it wasn't me being lazy, so I made them, reasoning it added to the plot.
"Can you see up it Matt?" asked Mello.
"Nope. In fact, it looks like it's even darker going up."
SMACK. "Ow! I mean, yeah, I can see. It leads to the land of unicorns and bubblegum pie!"
SMACK. "WTF do you want me to say?!"
Light sighed aggravatedly, and then started going up. We followed en suite. The ladder was made of wood, so it was pretty creaky. So creaky that we had to shout just to hear ourselves think. Like right now, everything you're reading is being yelled so…ahem. Excuse me. I'm getting hoarse, so please read the following few lines of silence.
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Almost there…okay, I'm thinking again. Which means we've reached the top, yay!
Light pushed open what appeared to be a circular object that was blocking us from the top of this ladder. Looking around, it seems we've emerged from a man-hole in-
Russia?!
"WTF?" yelled Mello. "What are we doing in Russia?!"
"Non! Tu es en France, stupide!" yelled a random passerby.
"…The L did that man say?" Light asked, eyebrow cocked up high.
"If you had taken note of the keywords "non" which is similar in origins to the word "no", "France" and "stupid", you could've presumed that he was saying that Mello's statement was false, and that he was correcting the subject of Mello's statement "Russia" with another subject "France". Afterwards, the addition of stupid was an afterthought of how the man thought Mello's intelligence level would be, considering how the statement was doubly negative through the other man's point of view, therefore increasing the possibility that my theory is right."
". . ."
"You got OWN'D." chorused L, Mello, and I.
"Wanna go to Mcdonalds?"
"Yeah, sure."
We left a shocked Light in the middle of the road, standing above the hole we crawled out of. Hopefully he won't get run over by a car 'cause L's crushing on him. (Howevvies, he also dislikes Light for being Kira, so that's why he OWN'D him.)
Oh yeah, you might be wondering the logicality of going to Wal-Mart in England, and emerging out of a hole in France.
Well don't. This is a crack fic, meaning anything can happen…including a smoking llama dancing on your screen. See it dancing? SEE IT?!
Anyhoo.
We went off to Mcdonalds, with L's big fat wallet, ready for buying. (I somehow lost my wallet in the tunnel, and Mello was broke after saving all his gangbanger money to buy a pair of "totally hawt leather pants yo!" His words, not mine.)
The cashier flashed a toothy grin. "So, what'll you have?"
"I'll have a steak, medium ra- hold up, what didja just say?"
"Ummm…'what'll you have?' It's plain English, Matt."
"Le gasp! How'd you know my name?"
"Oh, I'm just one of those OCs that are all-knowing, perfect, gorgeous, sensitive, etc."
"…and your name is?"
"SakurakoyukatonakitsunekosamuraiMcninjarobot-"
"I'm gonna stop you there."
"My last name is shorter."
"What is it?"
"Bob."
"I see…okay Bob, I'll have a McSteak, m'kay?"
"Gotcha."
We ordered our food quickly. Strangely enough, the restaurant fulfilled all of our extremely ridiculous requests. Cotton candy, fine wine from the 1500's, rare Swiss chocolate that had limited edition squirrels baked into it. I was almost about to question our dumb luck, but then the author of this fic glared at me, so I clamped my mouth shut.
"So L, what were you doing back at jolly ol' England?" I asked, as I chowed down on cigarette-flavoured McSteak.
"Oh, well you see, I'm on the hunt for this murderer who's twice as devious as Kira, and 5 times cuter."
"GASPAGE!" I gasped.
"I know, I was shocked that such a person could exist! And you know what worse? It's someone we know!!"
"DOUBLE GASPAGE!!" we both chorused.
"Yeah. I've tracked the sucker to Whammy house. His name is-" L thought for a moment. "That's strange. I forget. It's on the tip of my tongue yet, …"
Mello shrugged. "It'll come back to you sooner or later."
We ate, talked. For a while, we were on the topic of Light's absurd creepy laugh. Soon we reached the conclusion that it was a combination of teenage hormones, sharpie overdoses, and pure crack.
Once we figured that beauty out, we suddenly realized it was rush hour outside and our precious specimen would soon meet his demise unless we did something.
Mello used his supah special-awesome-quick-attack that he ripped off of Pikachu, and totally saved Light Righty from a pick-up truck going down highway 40. Mello threw Light's shock ridden body at L, who fell over on impact.
"Itai…Mello-kun, is he still breathing?"
"I'm pretty sure. Wait, he's waking up!"
Light fluttered his eyes daintily for a while, looking just like a kawaii schoolboy. (Pardon my Jap). "Oh my…where am I? Who are you?"
We stared at him for a while, all of us making our own non-verbal assumptions.
"He's faking innocence! Well it's not working, I won't fall for it!" Mello.
"It seems he's lost his memory and got amnesia…how can I use this to my advantage?" Me.
"OMG, MY DREAM'S COME TRUE!!" L.
Eyes a-sparklin', L launched into a summary of Light's life. "Well your name's Light Yagami, a prince from England, who is betrothed to me, L, the great detective-king of Canada. You're humble, honest, adorable, just CRAZY about me, so crazy that you ran away from home to live with me in my huge mansion. Oh yeah, you do all the cleaning and cooking for me…and this is our son Matt, and our daughter-in-law Mello." I waved cheerfully, while Mello sighed aggravatedly.
Light's eyes widened in wonder. "Oh my Justice! Am I really blessed with such a charming life with such a handsome husband?" At this, he flirtatiously batted his eyes at a certain frog-monkey man.
We nodded enthusiastically. Reasons?
L. "My One true Love finally stopped his murderous tendencies!"
Mello. "I have a dad-in law! Yay! Albeit he thinks I'm a girl. Oh wellz! Maybe we'll go shoe shopping later…
Me. "W00t, another income source! Hello Xbox 360 baby!"
Light giggled in delight. "Happy day!" He clapped gleefully. Love-struck, L picked him up, bridal style. "L dearest, not to be a bother but…where are we?"
"In France, mah love. Not to worry though, we'll just hitch a ride back home," said L in his most manly voice.
Light smiled happily. "Oh my, I'm ever so tired." Light yawned cutely, stretched with feline ease, then fell sound asleep in the pseudo detective-king's arms.
We all cooed at the sleeping ex-mass murderer.
"Y'know, without the maniacal glint in his eyes, he almost looks like an angel." I remarked. We stared at him for a while. There was something familiar about his sleeping face….just couldn't place my finger on it…sharing this thought with mah buddies, they confirmed they were thinking the same thing.
"He looks like someone I know, but who?" murmured L, deep in thought.
"Maybe Near?" I suggested.
"No, he's too…white. In a non-racist way, of course."
"Then…Watari?" guessed Mello.
"No, he's too…old. In a non-ageist way, of course."
"How about Wedy?" I volunteered.
"Egads, no! She's a girl!"
"You mean that in a totally non-sexist way, right?"
"…No."
"…I see…"
"Hey!" Mello brightened. "I know who he looks like!"
"Who?" we asked.
"You, Matt!"
L gasped. "OMG, I see it too! He looks exactly like you! Except that his teeth and nails are not yellow, there are no bags under his eyes, his hair doesn't look like straw that was picked up off the ground, and he doesn't smell!"
"Wow, way to bring up my self-esteem. I'm just going to cut myself now…oh shoot. My wrists haven't healed from last chappie…"
"Ha ha!" jeered my so-called friends.
"Why I oughta…"
000000000000000000000000
3 hours later,
L used his connections to get the super 3-hour-limit-jet-plane that gets you anywhere in 3 hours! After the trip, we thanked the pilot, Shuichi Shindou, for not crashing the plane even when we got him totally hammered for half-an hour, and took pictures of him eating a table. He rocks; I'm totally buying his new album "Strawberry-flavoured Snakes on a Pocky-flavoured Plane."
Anyway.
After dropping us off at Whammy House, L and an unconscious Light left. As they journeyed off into the sunset, a question I had struggled to recall a while ago, made itself apparent.
"L, WTF were you doing in Wal-Mart?!" I screamed, hoping the wind would carry my question to him. Sadly, they were too far off on his unicycle to hear me. Oh wellz!
"Wanna grab a BigMac?"
"Yeah shure."
And so, Mello the Diva and Matt the Gamer hopped happily into the cool, crisp air to grab some burgers. KTHNXBAI!
OWARI
Ch.4 Omake…kinda.
Q and A!
Q. What's BFF ESP?
A. It's sorta a telepathy BFF's share. When you level up to BFFAFAFAFAFAFAF, you gain the ability to merge into a transforming, butt-kicking ninja!
Q. You must get tired of being smacked around all the time!
A. I like to think of the smacks as the only way Mello can express affection…so each smack is a kiss! A painful, coma-inducing kiss!
Q. Whatever happened to Bob?
A. She got together with YoukaiNinbombheadsupahspecialpwnsomeangelictearyeyedinnocentkitsune, also known as Bill.
Q. There's no such thing as a plane that takes you anywhere in the world in 3 hours!
A. …(SMACKS)
Q. What happened to Misa?
A. Unfortunately, the girl has an attention span shorter than me, so she didn't notice the air ventS. Don't worry, she eventually got out with the help of a spoon, a packet of Skittles, a reanimated corpse, and her newfound Mangekyo Sharingan!
Q. Any tips for gamers?
Always tip the waiter with red eyes because bad things might happen if you don't…also, also try to have a variety of classes in your party. A mastermind, a jock, a healer everyone hates, and that random noob guy who manages to withstand a level 999 attack. Gawd, I hate that guy!
Next time: Matt and Near go to L's room, and discover…pr0n?!