What Really Happened in Eragon?
Chapter 5: Some Pointless Plot Development
Eragon, Saphira made their way to Terim. Saphira flew at top speed nonstop for a really long time. Why was she possessed to do so? Because Eragon wouldn't turn off 'Medieval Karaoke Dance Party 3'.
"YEAH, YEAH, YEEAAHH YEAH! OHHHHH, YOU CAN'T STOP ME, NO! 'CUZ I'M KING GALBY! YEAH, KING GALBY! FEEAR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OHOWHOAWHOAWHOA! YEAH, THAT'S-"
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BOY! YOU'RE SINGING SOUNDS WORSE THAN BROM'S! WAS YOUR MOTHER, LIKE, A BANSHEE, OR SOMETHING?!?!?!?!? I SWEAR, LIKE, YOU AND BROM ARE BOTH INSANE ENOUGH TO BE RELATED OR SOMETHING! Saphira screamed to Eragon.
"Heh… funny you should mention that…"
Wait… you mean…
"Not until the threequel, Saphira!"
Oh… gotcha…
"Lookie! Terim!" shouted Brom, pointing to the city that just happened to pop up below them. "Dive, Saphira, dive!"
Brom, if I dive now, I'd plummet into a city full of curious onlookers. We should-
"WAAAAAAA!!!!! Eragon, she's being a nubby lunch monster! SQUEEEEEE!!!!!" Brom screamed, banging his fists on Saphira's back.
All right, all right! I'll land! Jeez!
Saphira dove towards the middle of Terim. She looked around the city quickly with her perceptive dragon eye, and dove towards the roof of a building. They crashed through the building. Eragon stepped off of Saphira, dizzy, and looked around.
"Where are we?" he asked.
A hotel. Said Saphira.
"Really? Because to me it looks like we just crashed through the roof of a low fat no sugar yet high cholesterol frozen yogurt shop." Said Eragon, wary of the faces staring at him, bewildered.
Oops.
"Come on, let's get out of here." Said Eragon, starting to climb onto Saphira.
No wait, I want some frozen yogurt.
"Fine" said Eragon reluctantly as he, Brom, and Saphira made their way to the counter. "Ok, I'll have a chocolate super sundae with extra chocolate, whipped cream, and a warm brownie on top, smothered in hot fudge. Oh and…" Eragon leaned forward so only the cashier could hear. "Get me the kiddie sword toy with that, too, please."
Do you have any meat-flavored varieties? Asked Saphira. When the cashier nervously shook his head no, she roared and started eating people until Eragon had to take her outside so she could have a temper tantrum.
"Ok, I'll just have something simple." Said Brom, as Eragon sat down with his enormous chocoholic sundae, grinning ear to ear.
"Doublefudgeraspberryorangestrawberryvanillachocolateyogurtwithbananakiwicumquatandstrawberriesontheside,,shaken,notexploded." He finished nonchalantly.
"Um… yes, sir, I'll get it in a minute." The cashier said, and dropped into a dead faint.
"Ok, I'll just sit down at my table and wait for you." Said Brom, and he sat down with Eragon, who was engaged in a wild conversation with a woman Brom did not know.
"… I told you, I don't want my fortune told! Now leave me alone, stalker!" yelled Eragon between bites of his sundae.
"But the bones call to you! Here! Talk to Solumbum!" the woman said, holding a large, scruffy cat close to his face.
Hey. It said to Eragon. How ya doin'?
"Ah! Talking kitty!" Eragon screamed, spilling chocolate all over himself.
"Yes! I knew it'd work! Now, let's see what the bones have to say about this. Oh, and hi. I'm Angela." She said. Angela threw the screeching cat over her shoulder and held out her hand, which Eragon did not take. Muttering, she dug in a backpack until she found a small blue velvet pouch. Angela dumped the contents on the table and waved her arms over them in an extravagant manner.
"Are those chicken bones?"
"Yes." Angela said, not looking up. "I found them in my Happy Meal at McDonald's one day. They're magic."
"Okay…"
"Hm… yes… I see…"
"Can we hurry this up?"
"Don't push me!" said Angela in a whiny voice. Then she got a weird look on her face, like she was going to the bathroom. "Ohhh… er… squee… ah…" her face relaxed as a yellow puddle appeared around her.
"Uhrg!"
"You are in danger. You will save an elf. Brom will die. You will leave Alegaesia forever." Angela said in a creepy, male voice.
"Allrighty then… I take it that you-"
"You will puke from eating so much ice cream. You will learn to read. Brom is keeping something from you, but you will not find out what it is until book 3"
"What? Are you saying that I-"
"Quit slouching! Remember your manners! The three pronged fork is for seafood only!"
"You're insane. You are completely-" Eragon stopped speaking and threw up Chocó chunks all over Angela. Angela got up and seemed to ignore the barf.
"My work here is done." She said, then turned briskly and left the store, leaving Eragon weirded out and Brom with little hearts in his eyes.
"She's hot!" He said.
"Come on, Brom. She said I gotta learn to read." Said Eragon, finishing his ice cream and standing up.
"Great! You know, I am a great reading teacher. I even wrote a book on the subject!"
Brom slapped down a copy of his book, How to Read on the table in front of Eragon.
"This book contains everything you need to know about reading. Now learn, child, LEARN!" he said.
Brom, I think you need to know how to read in order to read your book that teaches you how to read.
"Good point, Saphira. Now, Eragon. We will now learn a song."
Oh, boy.
Many songs (and days) later, Eragon was finishing up How to Read and Brom was packing his things to leave.
"You know," said Eragon, closing the book, "there was really no point in learning to read. I mean, the big voice didn't even mention Jeod."
"Oh yeah, and they met Jeod. Happy?"
"Not really. I only learned to read because Angela said I should." Said Eragon.
"Well, too bad. Now you go rescue Arya. K?
"Who's Arya?"
"Just go."
So they flew off. Then Saphira fell from the sky.
"You're supposed to flap, you idiot dragon!" yelled Eragon after Saphira narrowly pulled up from their plummet.
Hey, why don't me and Brom climb on your back and ride you to Gil'ead. It's not so easy to remember all the time.
So they got into a big fight that lasted the entire flight that was all about why you don't back sass a dragon and you can't talk to me like that, and the bunnies are eating me, and no they're not, you idiot, and all that good stuff. They were still fighting when the dull gray stone buildings of Gil'ead appeared beneath them…
Chapter Epilogue
When Eragon had some free time back in his Terim hotel room...
"Die, evil overlord dude, die!" yelled Eragon, swinging his itty bitty pinky size sword at the King Galbatorix action figure.
"Oh no, you can't kill me!" said Eragon, making a high pitched Galbatorix voice
"Oh yes I can cuz I'm a dragon rider!" said Eragon, in his own voice. He swung his little sword at King Galbatorix.
Eragon made a Brom action figure and a Saphira action figure walk up to him
"Ok, Eragon, you're a hero!" said the squeaky voice of action figure - Brom.
"The crowds cheer for him wildly! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Eragon in his narrarator voice, then making that weird whisper yell noise that sounds like a crowd cheering. Eragon made everyone dance, including himself.
"Eragon, what are you doing?" asked the real Brom, who had just walked in. Eragon looked up, saw Brom, and quickly hid the action figures.
"Um... I'm... reading! Yeah! I'm... reading... heh..." Eragon said. Brom's expression of suspicion faded and he sat down on the bed.
"Ok, I'll stay here for a while." he said.
"Great! I was just going to the market." said Eragon hurriedly. He got up and turned around. He walked out of the door, unaware that Brom was staring, horrified, ant the Brom action figure sticking out of Eragon's pants.
heh! I love this chapter. PLZ COMMENT LOL PLZ!