Matt's Sims Adventures Ch.5
A/N: Yay, the Sims is actually referenced here! Sorta…slightly…meh, enjoy the lolz. Thanks to my new beta Cookies of Lust!!!!
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Ever since the discovery that Light was a prettier version of me, I got to thinking… Mello had a twin too, Misa… what if Whammy House was where abandoned twins of bishounen go? (Or in Mello's case, bishojos.) And if that's the case…who was Near's doppelganger? Was he just as unnaturally white and freakishly nerdy? Or was he Near's opposite?
(Gasp)…Maybe he was a kaleidoscope of colour and was supah-tuff! Lyke a ghettolicious rainbow! Or a gay gangsta! Must tell Near to be on the lookout…meh, I've got way better things to do. Taking a deep breath, I then turned to my PC.
I've decided I'm going to stop ignoring the Sims. I mean one itty bitty traumatic experience can't keep me from a 5 star-rated game, right? Right! I grinned and reached to adjust my goggles, a trait I stole off of Naruto.
Wait…no goggles.
I sat there for a while. It probably looked like I was just waiting for the PC to start up, but…
Gawrsh, I miss them. I remember how they dimmed everything I gazed at, how… actually, that's about it. Still, I looked hawt with them.
When that moment of emo-ness had passed, I looked up at the monitor. Seemed like it was ready, so I started up the Sims. In a Maxi-advertised flash, it was ready too. Okay, here goes nothin'…
I cringe as I pass over Neighbourhood 1. Maybe I should start fresh.
…WTF?!
Someone's already made families in Neighbourhood 2! The Yagami's, the Keehl/Jeeves, The River's, and there's even a Whammy House! Wow, this is even creepier than before! Eyes wide and fingers trembling, I started at the unsettling neighbourhood. It was if the game was stalking me! What the deuce was going on?!
"You're probably wondering what the heck's going on," droned an unexpected voice from behind.
"OH SHI-Near! Don't do that! And FYI, I was thinking what the deuce is going on, not what the heck. So close, thanks for playing."
"Whatever Mail."
"SHHH! You anus! What if Kira (or a new otaku to the series) hears you?!"
"Well, this is where the name spoilers start in this fic, so they might as well know." He turned at an angle to face an audience invisible to me. "My name is Nate Rivers, Mello's is Mihael Keehl, Matt's is Mail Jeeves, L is L Lawliet, and Light is actually the spawn of Eric Cartman from South Park and Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club. Oh yeah, all those losers die, except me. Yeah I know, I pwn."
"…You boob."
"An alive boob, what are you?"
I glared. "Are you gonna tell me what's going on or what?"
"The houses and families weren't created by me, I assume one of the orphans snuck in here and decided to muck stuff up." The albino began twirling his hair in his ever-so girly fashion. "However, I did add personality points, wealth, and material goods. If you inspect, you will see that every last detail that befitted the occupants real life's counterparts have been embedded."
"Now say it in Matt-anese."
Near sighed, and muttered some generic insult to my intelligence. "In other words, if you and Mello were roommates, you would own 3 computers, 2 hair straighteners, 7 gun polishers, 14 wiimote polishers, and a chocolate bar vending machine. These items that have been generated by your personalities are in your shared home."
"Okay, now can you make it sound less dorky?"
"Oh for the love of- (sigh) Mello's undies are in your Sim house - down to every last frilly, lacy, skimpy detail."
"SQUEE!" I pushed the albino away, and happily gamed on. Wow, Near was right! Every single detail was in the house Mello and I shared. Gun shot wounds riddled the coffee table, and my collection of Sephiroth key chains stood right beside Mello's variety of chocolate dipped in chocolate, sprinkled with chocolate, with an engraving of a chocolate bar-flavoured lip gloss.
And the Sims modeled after us! True, my great hawtness wasn't captured, but my oh my, I have never seen Mello look so dang fine…what's better is that I can dress him up! Yay! Thank you mysterious person who made these sims!
"You're welcome...Matt," popped a startling message. "I'm glad they are to your liking hyukhyukhyuk…"
Erm…I'm not sure whether to run out of my room screaming bloody murder, or ignore it and drool over sim Mello's cosplaying skillz.
Hmm…wait- ooh, is that a neko dress?! Well like they say, beauty before impending doom! I think.
Mm…bunny suit.
Kawaii! Barbie Mello!
Samurai Mello is teh hawtness.
"Really? Because I prefer him in the sailor scout uniform."
"Sailor scout? Puh-lease, his divalicious dress with matching superstar sunglasses was 10 times better than that."
"Ah, you're probably forgetting the badazz cowboy get-up. Now that was sweet."
"Mmm…I know, that was so Brokebackesque…wait a nano, WTF?! Get out of my room before Mello sees you and phreaks!"
"Too late." Mock-monotoned a sadly familiar voice. The owner of said voice proceeded to give Near and I 24 B-slaps, 7 pistol-whipping sessions, and finished up with yelling in our ears while Caramelldansen played in the background. Oh yeah, he also kicked us out. Single-handedly.
"Yowza," Near muttered. "Feisty. Just what I like in a bishie!"
Near's a playa, so I let it slide 'cause he always joshes like that. I'm-a used to it.
We dusted ourselves off and started heading Kira-knows-where. Pretty soon after useless-wandering, we somehow ended up knockin at L's door, just in case he was in. He never is though, he's either in Japan flirting with Light, or in the States, trying to find Light the perfect apple.
Anyway, we barged in.
Of all the room's in Whammy house, L's is the oddest. He's got voodoo dolls and pineapples, llama plushies, and 60-inch pencils. He had a single light bulb illuminating everything, with the exception of one very, very, very dark corner. No one's ever seen what's in that corner, and no one's keen on finding out.
But besides being the oddest, L's room has gotta be the greatest boredom-killer. After searching around, Near and I found something worthwhile.
I whistled and Near's eyes grew wide.
"My oh my…" Near said, a grin spreading on his face. "Looks like L's a voyeur of some sort." In our small adolescent hands, we held a copy of "Boys Gone Insane Vol. XIII."
"This is probably just a gag, a parody of Girls Gone Wild," I murmured. Near shook his head. "Well the DVD has quite a few marks…he's watched it a few times, so chances that it's porn have risen by 27 percent."
"Only one way to find out…"
We dusted ourselves down, and then popped the disc into the player that was conveniently located right beside us.
…Let's just say, it didn't disappoint.
Seven or eight hours later, Mello found the pair of us, drooling and having slight seizures.
"Boys." Muttered the fashionista. I smiled weakly up at him. "Hey Mel, you should see this vid, it's so…" I shuddered. "Hypnotizing."
"Hmm?" he turned to face the moaning TV set.
"Oh sh1t, y00 n00b. Don't put the corn cob there…"
"Uwah! I like speakers, but not that way!"
Pretty soon he was convulsing too.
We must've been there for a good amount of time, watching those crazy boys do crazy things on the screen.
"I think I see a nipple, Near!"
"That's not a nipple you Matt, it's a donkey."
"You're both twats, it's clearly a toaster."
"Toasters don't groan Mello. Brown apples do."
"Matt you liar, it's a dictionary!"
We must've been gone for quite some time, 'cause pretty soon the door was being banged on. LOL, banged on. Anyhoo.
"Open up!" yelled a familiar voice from behind the door. "I'm carrying a bishounen, and despite how they look, they weigh a ton!"
Struggling, Near managed to tear his eyes away from the screen. Hands shaking, he heroically managed…to nudge me. "Get the door…"
"F-fine." I slowly brushed cobwebs off of my shoulder, and opened the door.
"Bout time!" grumbled the knocker, who had turned out to be Light, holding our hero in his arms.
"The L are you doing here?" asked Near icily.
Well…"
FLASHBACK…(sorta)
Light and L had been lovers for 3 days after the France incident. They laughed, played, and baked pretty awesome cakes together. Whenever Misa attempted to re-establish her GF status with Light, L would just knock Light unconscious, then shoo the weotch out.
Unfortunately, L's façade as a detective-king of Canada wouldn't last long. When Misa appeared for the 51st time screaming "Light is mine!" and L had to knock Light unconscious for the 55th time (trust me, you don't wanna know what happened after the 52nd, 53rd, and 54th time…) Light gained his memories immediately after revival.
…He then proceeded to kick the crapoodles out of L.
END RECAP
"But I before I get to do any real damage, he faints on me!" ranted the brunette. What a drama queen…"So then I gotta drag him somewhere safe, cuz Misa was as mad as hell. And the only place my ble-tch of a girlfriend won't go is this freak hatchery."
"We're not a freak hatchery, we're a freak spawning ground!" retorted Near. Real nice. The mass-murderer just rolled his eyes. In mid-roll though, his eyes happened to stop at the screen. A small gasp escaped from his apple lip-gloss lips.
"B-Boys gone Insane XIII!" He then turned to us. "Where'd you get this?!"
"Oh, y'know." I waved my hand in an aloof manner. "Here, in L's stash…it's pretty good. Why, you have one too?"
Light chuckled nervously. "You could say that."
Suddenly, the TV turned red. "And now," announced the screen "Our star of the show, Kira himself!"
"I'd do anything for world domination," moaned the tv-Light, who was now eating strawberries using his toes.
We stared in astonishment at the television, as scenes of Light stark naked flashed on the screen.
Pretty soon, we woke up from our state of shock, and turned around slowly to stare at the star himself, who was as red as Near's fire trucks. "W-well, I, erm-"
"You little ho." We chorused. Mello, Near, and I grinned and high-fived each other. Lighty-righty just glared.
"So Yagami," drawled Mello, "Can you justify what we just saw?"
"You got some 'splaining to do!" I teased as the brunette went from 'fire-truck' red to 'blood-covered rubies on an apple' red. He then took a deep breath, and was just about to explain himself, when L woke up.
"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" asked the detective sleepily, as he wiped the morning (or in this case, 6:00 in the evening) gunk from his eyes.
"Erm, nothing! Nothing at all!" Light rambled, standing discreetly in front of the screen, irritatingly blocking our view. "Right, Matt? Mello? Near old buddy, old pal, nothing's going on right?"
We snickered silently, watching Light's eyes darting. I wondered why he was so worried, L's already seen it…
"Well," started the albino as he absent-mindedly started to twirl his hair, "We were just watching your Boys Gone Wild XIII DVD."
"Huh?" he scratched his head. "I don't recall owning Boys Gone Wild XII. I do however have Boys Gone Wild XII, XI, and X, but not that one."
"Wait," now I partook in the rummaging of head fuzz. "If it isn't yours, then whose is it?"
L shrugged. "My door is always unlocked, so anyone can walk in." His eyes drifted towards Light. "Darling, could you skoot over? I wanna lookie."
Light thought for a moment. He was probably doing his creepy inner voice reasoning that goes on and on…some time later, he finished, straightened up, and jumped on L. Hard.
"What the- yowza!" L grinned. "Someone's feeling playful. Whatcha need, koi?"
"Erm-piggyback! Now!"
"Yippee! Just so you know," warned L, wagging his finger. "I've acquired years of experience from hauling this lot around. I'm practically the ultimate piggyback machine, what with my hunched back."
The megalomaniac gulped. "I'm willing to take my chances," he muttered miserably, as he climbed on.
"I remember my first piggyback with L," reminisced Mello. "I managed to hold on for 11 seconds. Longer than anybody," he added. "Ever."
Near opened his mouth. "Actually I-"
Mello held up a hand. "STFU, dipstick. Let me have my moment."
"WHOA NELLY!" screamed Light as L zipped around the room, merrily bucking.
"4, 5, 6, 7, 8…" we counted. I was impressed. I myself had only lasted for 8.5 seconds. Most people fell off as soon as they got on. Light must really not want L to see the DVD…
All the more reason to show him then!
Near and I dug around in the piles of random stuff, while Mello-jello watched the two rivals and counted.
Finally we found what we were looking for.
A COOKIE.
I took out my handy-dandy roll of duct tape, stuck it on the biscuit, and then stuck that on the TV screen.
Immediately, L's eyes zoomed in on it instinctively. I high-fived Mello. Works every time. Whenever you want L's attention, just put a sweet on your target, and wham-o! Instant gratification for your boredom/lack-of-father-figure/attention-seeking-behaviour-bccause-your-boyfriend-never-looks-at-you-because-he's-too-busy-being-Kira/blah needs!
L dropped the brunette like a stone, ("51 seconds!" marveled Mello) and reached towards the cookie. However, a certain Deathnote user shakin' his goods onscreen distracted him.
"…" While L was in a temporary state of shock, Light took advantage. He bolted towards the door.
Unfortunately, he tripped on a Kumagoro. OMGWTFBBQ?!
Even more unfortunate is that he landed on top of the DVD player, effectively breaking it and the disc.
With the dancing Light banished from his view, L shook his head from his reverie, and lost the glazed look in his eyes. "Did I just see-"
"No, of course not baby!" Light flailed his arms wildly. "You didn't see anything, right darling?"
"Umm…sure…yeah, guys, wasn't there something…unusual on the tv just now?" he blinked owlishly.
"Nope." We answered, devilish smirks playing on our faces.
"If ya say so. Wowza, look at the time. We gotta get going Light, we're 15 minutes late for Matsuda's party." L got up and walked towards the door, unconsciously maneuvering around the assimilated DVD player. "You guys wanna come with?"
"Nah," said Near boredly, who was now doing a rainbow-colored puzzle. "I've got plans tonight."
"Plans?"
"Yeah, plans to not have plans. I'll be cool here."
"Ah. Mello, Matt?"
I looked at my buddy. He shrugged. "Eh, we were going to pull a Tekken all-nighter, but what the hey."
"Yay! Off we go!"
Hopefully, this'll be better than the last time we skipped curfew with L.
FLASHBACK
L: No worries guys, Roger definitely won't let the guard dogs out tonight, it's Tuesday. My rope-made-outta-blankies will lead us to freedom!
Mello: Uh, L? If today's Tuesday, and the guard dogs aren't out…doesn't that mean the guard flamingos are?
Matt: (Has already climbed over, and is strolling towards the gates) What was that Mello? Didn't hear yo-
Guard Flamingo 1, 2, 14, and 17: GRAAK!
Matt: Oh 81339!
END FLASHBACK
I frowned slightly. "Hey L," I began.
"Shh!" Mello covered my mouth with a- Kumagoro?! ZOMGWTFBBBBBQQQ???
"As I was saying," continued the great detective, "all we gotta do is place Vaseline on the security camera lens, and then we're home free!"
We all nodded. "But the security cameras are placed pretty high," I said anxiously. L turned to me. "That's where you come in."
"Huh?"
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5 minutes later, I was hanging from the ceiling of Whammy's main doorway, one hand gripping the infamous rope of sheets, the other with a jar of Vaseline. Normally, I would be LOLing at the kinkiness, but right now I was just terrified.
"Screw it L, why me?!" I whisper-yelled at the duo above me who was holding the rope.
"Shut up and smear it already!" hissed the blonde.
I sighed and began swinging towards the camera. Almost…there…got it! I latched onto the camera.
…Which broke under the pressure.
"AAHHH! (crash) Ow…I'm not okay…"
Seems like neither Light, L, or mah beloved cared, 'cause after 5 minutes of whining, I blacked out.
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I later woke up in a daze. It was pretty dark, and looking around, I noticed I was in my room. Yay, someone cared! Too bad they didn't stick around long enough for me to thank them.
"Yes, in fact, they did." Said a nasally voice. And out of the shadows, Near stepped out. "You should really get your light bulbs changed." He added.
"Sorry man, Mello likes practicing lurking in the shadows. He's getting pretty good actually. Almost better than Bakura from that show you were obsessing over."
"Yu Gi Oh? Puh-lease, I'm into Beyblade now." Wow Near. Just-wow.
"Where's Mello, by the way?"
"Oh, he went to that party with Light and L."
"So he just left me?! That weotch."
Near twirled his hair as he gave me an "isn't it obvious?" look. "Dude, L's here. You know how Mello idolizes him."
I sighed woefully. "Yeah, I do."
"So, whatcha wanna do?"
"I was gonna do a Tekken all-nighter, but without Mello," I did another sigh. "Whomever could I play with?"
Near brightened. "Y'know, I have m3d DDR skillz on Eddy."
I ignored his mindless blathering. "Who could possibly be available on a Friday night to play a video game, in a mansion filled to the brim with children?" I mused. The albino near me began to frantically raise his hand for no apparent reason. I made a list of all the possible back-up friends I had.
Roger? Nah, he's busy bullying orphans.
Watari? Nope. He has pinky arthritis.
Wedy? I think she's busy hacking me- wait, what?!
Beyond?
Hmm.
"Hey Near?" I started. Near exhaled in relief. "Finally!" he exclaimed.
"Near, can you help me find Beyond?"
I wonder why he face-faulted.
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Ch.4 Omake…kinda.
Q and A!
Q. What's Mattanese?
A. My secret language of course! Every Whammy kid gets one, including a code name and a pet llama. The really special kids get Grand theft Auto V a week early!
Q. Why doesn't L lock his room's door?
A. Whenever the orphans get lonely or scared, we usually run to L, our only father figure. Sadly, he's only there once every 4 months, so we just play with his stuff as revenge. Die Kumagoro die!
Q. Why do you always go along with Mello?
A. 'Cause he's hawt. Bom chicka wah wah!
Q. A Tekken all-nighter? What's Tekken?
A. A TOTALLY awesome game franchise, it's got a smack load of different fighting styles.
"Don't you have any other games?"
"GTFO Near. And of course I do! But I like the nowling…it's my secret vice."
Q. Who's Beyond?
A. "Kukukuku…you'll see."
Shoo Beyond!
"(pout) but I ran out of jam, and you always seem to have some!"
No, I don't. You're thinking of the refrigerator.
"Oh."
For those of you who don't know him, he-OW!
"(glares)"
…You'll find out next chappie.
Q. Any tips for gamers?
A. Yeppers. Use Kool-aid to dye your hair, if you're broke like Light! And remember to always make two back-up characters to fall back on if your main becomes a phail in V life. (coughKIRAcough)
"Shuddup!"
Oh you know I'm allowed to talk smack! I can't believe you played FLYFF for 11 weeks on the same char! Serves you right now, cuz you're a Bow Jester.
…Which sux.
Next time: Near and Matt go tripping around, BB tells his epic life story, and Matt sings another emo girly song!
A/N: Phew! This was a bleh-tch to type! For every review, Light makes a pr0no.