A/N: This was written half a year ago, I never realized I never put it up! 0_0 I'm sorry I'm such a spazz. (Bows deeply) Warning for chapter 7; it'll be amazingly short, since a) it was written on the last three pages of my Matt notebook and b) I lost the last page (GAAAH, CLIMATIC MUCH?), so it's gonna be a cliffie. Enjoy~
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Last time on Matt's Sims Adventures:
"Hey Near?" I started. Near sighed in relief.
"Finally!" he exclaimed.
"Near, can you help me find Beyond?"
I wonder why he face-faulted.
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It's pretty easy to find Beyond's trail.
Just follow the strawberry jam tracks! (At least I hope it's strawberry jam…)
But it's harder keeping up with them.
"Man, this guy sure gets around, huh Near?" I shot a friendly grin to my companion.
The albino just scowled as he followed behind me. Wonder what's eating him.
"Oh I don't know," muttered the boy's voice behind me sarcastically. "Maybe because instead of owning you at Tekken, I'm searching for Whammy House's most psychotic occupant!"
"Hot then you're cold~," Something's making a buzzing sound! I removed my earphones and craned my neck side to side. "Hn, did you say something?" That guy is a real mumbler…
"Never mind." He sighed and we continued on our way.
I shrugged, then went ahead. Personally, this little mission of ours was sorta…fun! I felt as stealthy as Solid Snake, or James Bond, hell even HARRY POTTER man!
Humming the Secret Agent Man theme song. I stepped over some random immobile (hopefully just unconscious and not otherwise) body and tiptoed to the end of our trail.
"Here lies the man," I murmured gleefully, rubbing my hands together. "The one and only available player in this Chuck Norris-forsaken place. Hey Near, get up!"
That growling kid's really got to get rid of that face-faulting habit.
"Of all the," he sputtered, "After 3 hours of following his trail, we ended up at his room! Why didn't we check this spot in the first place?!"
"Hmmm…I dunno. There's a reason I'm third, and not first around here." I pivoted manly (why yes, it is possible) and knocked politely, resisting the urge to beat out this catchy DDR song I've got stuck in my head.
Silence.
And then, the door creaked a fraction open.
Cautiously, I peeked inside.
HOLY SHI- "Hn? Matt? Is that you?" Beyond's hoarse voice resonated. Too late to run.
I took a deep breath, and opened the door.
Every. Single. Surface. Of Beyond's room. Was covered in (hopefully) jam. The floor, his bed, heck even the ceiling! How the frak did he get it up there?!
"…" Near was as speechless as me.
"Excuse the mess," said the L look-alike. "I'm particularly …busy at night. You're welcome to visit in the day," he added.
"Nah, it's okay." I said quickly. "Ummm…just wondering if you wanted to play mindless video games in my room?" Please say no, please say no-
"Sure!" said Beyond cheerfully. Oh fiddlesticks. "You're playing too, right Near?" he asked a bit too longingly. He's a got this strange look in his eyes…well, stranger than usual.
"Ummm yes…? I think."
Beyond sighed lovingly. "Yay! Let me just clean up in here guys!"
As Beyond dusted and mopped, I nudged Near. "Hey man, I think he likes you!"
Near's eyes widened. "Oh gawd no, say it ain't so. What tipped you off?"
"The loving sigh was a good indication. Then there's also the fact that underneath all this jam, there's posters of you everywhere!"
And indeed, I was right. (Ch'yeah, when am I not?) Poster's of Near's fugly face adorned every flat surface of BB's room.
I whistled. "Dayum, this guy's got multiple issues."
There were pics of Near scowling, playing with his toys, doing unspeakable things with said toys, smiling, and playing…Tekken?!
"Hey Near, why didn't you tell me you played Tekken?" I asked casually.
"…"
"Face-faulting on a poster of yourself face-faulting is so not cool Near." I stepped over his twitching body to poke around at Beyond's manga collection. Oooh, Junjou Romantica! I assumed my kick-arse yaoi-reading position. 'Cause yeah. TTLY. Hehheh. That sounds like 'titaly!' Now there's a place with no meatballs…LMAO.
"Matt, you done talking to yourself?" I blinked, then looked towards Near who gave me a what-the-hell-are-you-smoking look, and BB, who was grinning with boyish charm. "Thanks for inviting me by the way."
"Np. Hey…where'd Near go?" That kid is like a ninja. A freakishly white ninja.
"Near-koi?" BB's crimson eyes took a shojo sparkle similar to Mello-chan's. "He's using my bathroom that's totally not rigged with cameras, video recorders, and all sorts of Near-nekkid catching equipment."
I nodded in recognition. Man, BB's so lucky he's got a private bathroom. All of us saner- erm, younger kids have to share one down the hall, on account of we're not old enough yet. (That, and most of us probably won't shank anyone who uses our personal strawberry-scented soap.)
A flushed Near emerged from BB's washroom, only moments later. "Beyond you perv!" he yelled girlishly.
"Whatever are you talking about, beloved?" The brunette in question blinked innocently. I didn't even think that was possible, but apparently your blinks can be innocent. Who'd-a thunk it.
The albino wannabe held up a number of tapes, camera, and camcorders. "Next time you wanna watch someone discreetly, try not hiding all your spygear under the rug!"
"Hmmm. I'll note that. Ready to go?" He flashed a Kira-like smirk.
Near sighed in a long-suffering manner. "Why do I have the feeling I'll regret this?"
"I dunno. Maybe it's because we're about to play video games with Beyond Birthday, the love child of Hannibal Lecter and Bakura? Oh well. Doesn't sound different from what most anime characters have to endure."
Eh, true.
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"Bang! Bang! Shazam!" I punched victoriously into the smoky air. "I win again!"
We had playing for 2 and a half glorious hours. BB wasn't as psychotic as we first thought.
"It all started when I was 5 and three quarters years old," lamented the brunette as I KOed his character, "My dad was driving me and my 5 sisters to the ballet recital. I was the leading role, and we were late because I forgot to iron my tutu. Anyhoo, we were going super-fast, and it was snowing so hard…last thing I can remember is the sound of the car smashing into a giant Kumagoro statue."
WHAT. WHAT? WHAT I DON'T EVEN- "Seriously wtf?"
"Yeah. I was the lone survivor. My mother later died of grief. Oh yeah, and of unsolved homicide."
Near opened his mouth silently several times before opting to stare at the man in morbid fascination.
"I went through this murderous, insane, L-cosplaying phase afterwards," continued BB. "It lasted until…gee, I never really grew out of it did I?" he laughs, I shudder, and Near continues to gape like a dead fish.
Say Near, can we talk outside for a minute?"
Near boredly dropped his Playboy, and then opened the door.
Once we were out of eavesdropping distance, I began shaking Near violently.
"Ow! WTF man?!"
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" I whisper-wailed, a trick I got from Mello's nightly diva moments.
"Stop it Matt!" I ceased shaking him, but began to hyperventilate. "We are so going to die violently. And that's the one type of death I hate! Why do you think I smoke so freaking much?!"
"Umm, because you're addicted?"
"No, it's 'cause I'm trying to get a freaking heart attack!" I massaged my temples. "And to think you're the smartest one here."
Growling, Near smacked me upside the head. "Look, he's already here. We can't send him back without looking suspicious."
"You're right…we'll have to cancel game night." I pouted a bit. "Ohhh, and I was so looking forward to whooping some geek-arse…"
Near's eyes suddenly became fiery. "Frek no! For the first time in Whammy history, Mello isn't in your room! I sure as hell ain't gonna waste this opportunity!"
His Rock-Lee moment cheered me up a bit. "Yeah, you're right! I finally have a chance to crack open my old multi-player games!" I straightened my stripey shirt. "C'mon Near old buddy of mine. We'll just have to grin and bear it. Besides, it's not that big of a deal." I guffawed nervously. "Playing video games with BB is totally not like dancing with the devil, right?"
"Yeah..right…" Near gulped. "Okay, let's go in."
I took a deep breath and then pushed open the door.
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No way. No flipping way.
"Beyond, WHUT THE FUZZBAG HAPPENED HERE?"!"
My entire room is covered in JAM. It's all over my computer, the walls, mah beloved PS2, that limited edition Chun-Li action figure I got last week (sob), and- le gasp- Mello's top bunk bed! Gah, he's going to shoot me!
Gone was my fear of the L look-alike. In its place was completely justified fear of Mello beating the living daylights, nightlights, and shit outta me.
I began to freak out. "BB, what exactly happened?!"
He shrugged, while Near twitched quietly beside me. "I dunno. One minute I was losing to the CPU…the next thing I know, its artifical blood is being splattered all over the place!" He smiles yanderely at me. I resist the urge to go Alma on his arse.
As Near continued on his twitch spree, I stared at my once-not red room. Mello would probably come home with a terrible hangover and seeing his/rightfully my bed covered with a sticky substance…
…Omigawd, I am so dead.
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All right, it's been 2 and a half hours, and I'm still cleaning.
Working efficiently, Near, BB, and I managed to scrub off most of the jam from the carpet, the tv, and the walls.
"It's 3 in the bloody morning!" panted Near.
"Shut up and Swifer woman!" Flushed, I dusted like hell. (Because Mello's wrath is 1337 times scarier than it.)
BB continued his life story as we hygenized the place up. "Let's see…I took a job at Wal-Mart at the tenderly morbid age of 16. There, I enjoyed the discovery of a new hobby, if we can call it that. A rather annoying manager kept on talking, and our dispute ended rather," he grinned spookily. "Messily."
Near shivered, but kept on working, only his eyes indicating his wariness.
"Sometime after this event, I met L. He was suppose to lecture me on shanking your manager, cutting his rotting corpse into tiny pieces, shooting each piece until it became liquid form, and then selling it as jam at local farmers markets across England. But, all he did was glare at me as we sat in a tiny dark room for 4 hours while eating cake."
We momentarily stopped. "Wow BB."
"Yes, wow indeed. Anyhoo, for some bizarre-o reason, the image of that detective's been embedded in my skull ever since, resulting in me possessing murderous and L-cosplaying tendencies."
"…" I struggled against the urge to flash the bat signal in the early morning sky. "Hey Near, can you hand me that sponge? Near?"
Daggone it! "Near get off my frakking computer!" That soddy albino betch was totally on my Sims file!
"Hold up, Betty and Mello are getting married."
"WHAT I DON'T EVEN- but they had –9000 relationship points!"
He shrugged as he used the duster to pick his nose. "Well as soon as I wiped the jam off of your PC and started it up, your Sims all have opposite points. Must be some sort of glitch…"
"Wait, so you're saying that 'cause Betty and Mello have plus 9000 points…I HAVE MINUS 9000?!"
"Yep. Haha, you weren't even invited to the wedding. I on the other hand…"
I somehow managed to glare at both the virtual and real Near simultaneously. This night is turning out to be the worst EV3R.
First Mello and L ditch me with Near, then BB somehow gets everything covered in red goo, and to top it off, Sim!Mello hates my Sim!guts.
"I-I k-kissed a gir-girl, and I- (sob) lik-liked it…uwaaah! (whimper) I hope m-my bo-boyfriend don't (sniff) mi-mind it…oh gawd…"
SMACK.
"WTF Near?"
The younger boy twirled my chair to face him and gave me a steady look. "Now is not the time to cut yourself while singing girly songs!"
"Yeah!" piqued Beyond, as he scrubbed jam off of the heater. "So Near, what's the plan?"
"Hey? Why's Near the leader?" I scowled at the L cosplayer.
"Of course Near would be the leader!" BB clasped his hands tightly in front of him, while familiar shojo sparkles danced in his eyes. "Near-san's so strong, manly, and dashing, just like a modern-day knightin shining armour~"
I stifled a snort. "We're talking about the same guy, right? Besides, chivalry is dead."
"Yeah," BB blushed. "But he's still kinda cute(1)!"
DOUBLE-WHAMMY-SMACK.
"Look," sighed Near as winced and howled in agony (At least I did; BB had this stupid dreamy look as he did a stupid v-dance) "I'll keep cleaning here, BB will go outside and keep a look-out, providing a distraction if necessary. You deal with your Sim crisis." He then dramatically turned around to Swifer.
And thus, Plan "ZomgMell'sComingHe'sgonnaBeSoPissed,OkayCalmDownSMACKOwieNear'sGonnaClean,BB'sOnLookout,AndMatt'llPlayVideoGames" was put into action.
Also known as Plan C.
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Ch. 6 Omake! …Kinda
Matt's Q and A
Q: What does the C in Plan C stand for?
A: Circumcision, 'cause that's what'll happen to us if Mello sees my room.
Q. Eww! An OC?! I hate them so much!
A: (Surprised) What the deuce are you talking about? If you read Mello's fantabulous book entitled the Los Angles Murder Cases, you'll know that he was totally a main char. Unlike me (sob).
Q: Why does BB seem to induce strawberry jam to appear whenever he's alone?
A: He doesn't induce per se, instead I guess he…"murdifys" the jam into existence. Yeah, that's it…erm, no more BB questions please. That mofo unnerves me.
Q. …Why was Near reading a Playboy?!
A: (twitch) I honestly don't know…I can tell you this though; it was the Payboy of 2008: Transformers Edition. (Shudder)
Q. Any tips for gamers?
A. Bien sur baby! While gaming, listening to the L33tStr33t Boys will totally level your armour!
"You are such an Ad-Ho, you know that?"
"GTFO Near."
A/N: (1) Oh Nelly Furtado, Y SO QUOTABLE?
Next time: Shortest chappie ever in the legacy of Matt the Epic.