What Really Happened in Eragon?
Chapter 7: Fish Boy the Environmentalist
Saphira…
What?
Ah, I dunno, just YOU LEFT ARYA IN A COLLAPSING BUILDING, you know, nothing important.
Oh. Oops.
Yeah, oops.
Saphira turned around and flew back to the currently caving in prison.
"It's about time!" yelled Arya to Eragon as he dodged falling flagstones.
"You're lucky we decided to help you at all!" he replied, untying Arya.
"We should get out of here!" she yelled, standing up.
No duh, smarty pants. That's what I'm here for.
Saphira flew low and Eragon and Arya climbed on.
"Cool, we get our own getaway vehicle-dragon-thing!
Saphira growled.
"I mean, Cool! Saphira saved us!"
That's more like it.
"There it is." Eragon said, pointing at the city a mile ahead. They had been flying for two days straight and were eager to see the city approaching. "Dras Leona: a beautiful, historic city of grace, passion and-"
Smog.
Saphira was right. The beauty of Leona Lake was obscured by the pollutants produced by Dras Leona's factories.
Land over by the lake shores, Eragon said to Saphira. She dove and landed on a shore near the city, but obscured by more smog and some strange floatie brown stuff that looked lethal.
"I suppose *cough* we should set up camp*cough* here. *cough* I can't stand the pollution in the city*COUGH COUGH*." Said Eragon, as a brown wad of icky stuff floated by his face. He poked it and it felt like stinky, moldy, old brown jello.
Saphira sneezed, sending a small jet of flame towards Eragon.
"AHHHH!!!" he yelled, jumping backwards to avoid getting his newly regrown eyebrows singed off again. He was too late. "Saphira!" he yelled.
I cannot help it if this city has a lack of environmentalists! You-
Saphira stopped when Eragon moved his head. The floating poop behind him had caught fire! The bulk of the gas around the fire was dissipating. In a minute the fire fizzled out and the area around the camp was clear enough to see a bit better, but smog still obscured a lot.
Eragon looked out at the lake. It was so peaceful! But wait… what's that? There's a big shape headed for shore! It's coming for me! SAPHIRA! HELPME!
Eragon get off of me!
Sorry, said Eragon, getting off of Saphira's head.
What is THAT? She said, seeing the thing coming closer.
I don't know, but it's scary!
The creature was coming closer. Through the screen of water, they could see the thing. It was the same size as Eragon. Hey, it even looked like him!
The creature stepped out of the water.
"Hey man... and uh, lady man, and uh… lizard man." The creature said. Saphira growled and Arya looked ready to hit the thing. "You dudes know its bad karma to stare a stranger?"
They kept staring.
"Then I'll have to make myself not a stranger. My name's Murtagh. I like swimming, I like hippies, I hate pollution, and I would like to be your friend." It held out its hand. Saphira pushed Eragon over towards Murtagh. He shook Murtagh's hand and immediately recoiled.
EW! His hand is all scaly and slimy, Saphira! I wish I could see through this smog!
Most of the smog is gone, you illiterate nimrod! You have really terrible eyes.
A gust of filthy wind blew on them and cleared the rest of the smog. The three main characters stared at Murtagh, who was slimy, scaly in places, and had gills.
"You're a fish boy!" said Eragon, pointing at Murtagh's dorsal fin.
"Well, it's not bad when you don't say it out loud too much." He replied, oblivious to the stares directed at him. "And the big voice says I gotta come with you guys 'cuz while I may seem like a useless side character now, I'm important later in the plotline."
"Not gonna happen, fishy buddy boy." Eragon said, and started to turn his back when the hole opened up in the sky yet again.
"ERAGON! Be nice to Murtagh, he's responsible for half the sequel."
Eragon started whining, so the author threatened to make him and Murtagh related. That shut him up real good.
"Oh, don't look so glum. I can be a real riot at parties." Said Murtagh. "Boy, I'd fancy a swim right now. Anyone want to go throw bricks at some factory owner's heads?"
Saphira was all for it, but Arya decided that she had to stay at camp and be poisoned.
"Why do you have to stay here and be sick?" Eragon asked her as he looked around for spare bricks.
"Eragon, it's very responsible of Arya to follow the storyline. Maybe you should, too."
"YEAH! HOW DA YA LIKE THEM APPLES, LIZARD BOY!" Arya yelled in his face, standing up and waving her finger. Then she made herself pale by pinching herself and stumbled back to the ground. She put a hand over her face and whimpered, "Oh… my illness does not permit me to continue…. Oh, oh!"
"Drama Queen. You were never even poisoned!"
"That's the way the story goes, Eragon, like it or not."
"Fine, go be sick. Come on, let's go cause pain to meanie polluters." Said Eragon, turning around and mounting Saphira with Murtagh. "Let's ride, fish boy!" and they were off.
Eragon were out until late that night. They maimed 17 factory owners, made 12 melted holes in walls, narrowly missed 9 priests, sent 6 civilians to the hospital in critical condition, and successfully escaped 5 angry mobs, one of which containing a rather large woman who thought Murtagh stole her chocolate bar. All in all, a very productive afternoon.
Since they had nothing to do in Dras Leona due to the fact that the Ra'zac had already run off, our heroes planned to take off the next morning for the Varden.
"Wait, hold the phone!" yelled Eragon.
"Oh, what now, Eragon?"
"What happened to Brom? He wasn't in this chapter at all! And he had, like, one line in the last chapter! What gives?"
"Yeah, what gives, o exalted author of this exaltedly cool story?" chimed Murtagh.
"He's dead. He dove in front of Durza's spear to save your life, remember?"
"No…"
"Oh, well he is."
"YOU FORGOT TO WRITE BROM'S DEATH?!?!?!?"
"Hey, life can get hectic sometimes, ok?"
"Of all the things you can forget to write! Come on, dude! What kind of author are you?"
"One who can kill you in an instant. Now, drop and give me 200."
"Wh-"
"NOW!"
Eragon dropped to the ground and started crying because he was too fat to lift himself off the ground.
"HRRRR….. O-o-o-on-on-one… AHHHOOOAGHH! THE PAIN! IT BU-U-U-URNS! AHH-HA-HA-HA-AHHHHH!!!!!!" He screamed, rolling on the ground crying after one small push up. "WHY COULDN'T BROM BE HERE TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BY MAKING HIMSELF LOOK LIKE EVEN MORE OF AN IDIOT? WHY-HY-HY-HY-HYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!? WAAAAA-"
"ALL RIGHT! Just get on the dragon already! Sheesh…"
Immediately Eragon reduced his earsplitting cries to a small sob and got on Saphira.
Cheer up, little one. It will be all right in the end.
You know what would make me feel better?
What?
Can I play Medieval Kareoke Dance Party 3 again?
Saphira answered by throwing Eragon off her back.
Yes! I told you all! 2 chapters in 1 day! WOOT, WOOT! Oh, and I'm driving to Myrtle Beach for 10 hours on Saturday. I'll bring my laptop, and I'll have plenty of time to update and write and stuff. Stay tuned!
FLASY FLASH! SNEAK PEAK AHEAD!
Ajihad will be a football maniac. his fav team is, of course, like me, the Eagles (I live right near Philly). Expect funny randomness, like theme songs, cheers, foam fingers, and lots of yelling!
Nasuada will be a cheerleader type of person. Peppy, loud, and obnoxious, makeup is expected to fly with her explosive (Literally, explosive) appearance.
Hrothgar will be so teeny, he's practically invisible!
Orik will be a flight attendant-sort-dude-dwarf-thing. Fully uniformed and everything!