Whoot, I updated! Sorry it took so long I was...not updating, anyway!
This will probably be the longest chapter, I dunno. Really random...thinking of boosting the rating to M, some weird parts are kinda...-shudder-
Disclaimer: sgsahpddasdpfasdfmaisntownbyayumiar0sdifp
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"Ahhh, ow, Brother, it hurts." Al moaned.
"Aw, come on Al, just a little more." Ed purred.
"No, really, I can't go on anymore." Al whined, starting to pant.
"Don't be a baby. Look, I'll do it. See, you just stick it right…there."
"Ahh! Stop it Brother!"
"Stop whining Al, no point fighting it."
"Owww!"
"Will you two shut UP!?" Roy yelled, slamming his fists down on the desk.
The Elric brothers looked up at Roy curiously. If you just so happened to be passing by Roy's office for some unknown reason and overheard the previous conversation above, you might have thought that Ed and Al were getting jiggy wid it.
But since I'm not a supporter of Elricest cause that's just wrong, luckily that's not what they were doing. They just so happened to be sticking Big Red wrappers on each other.
"Why don't you try it Roy? It's fun." Ed suggested, holding out a silver gum wrapper.
"No." The Colonel refused, picking up his pen to attempt his paperwork yet again.
"Why not?" Al asked, standing up (and they were sitting on the floor, why?) and leaning over Roy's desk.
"Because it's completely idiotic." Roy replied.
"No it's not." Al said, lifting his feet off the ground and leaning his full weight against the desk.
"It's cool." Ed chimed in, pressing another wrapper on his arm.
"Licking Big Red wrappers and sticking them to yourselves so it'll burn is not cool." Roy said coolly, trying to sign a paper with Al's bronze locks in the way.
"Bet you're just scared." Ed taunted, licking messily at a wrapper. He stuck it on Roy's forehead.
"Ed!" Roy yelled. A moment later, he shrieked and toppled off his chair, writhing on the floor in obvious agony.
Ed and Al blinked and watched him. "It doesn't hurt that bad…" Al said, peeling wrappers off his arms and face, where little red rectangles remained.
"Aw, he's just a wimp." Ed scoffed, smirking.
Al yawned. "Well, I'm bored."
"Hey! Let's make a fanfic about the military having a mass orgy!" Ed suggested excitedly.
Al squealed. "Yay!"
-
"Roy, I'm hungry." Ed complained from his seat at the computer.
"Good for you." Roy growled, rubbing his forehead sorely and swearing revenge.
"I'm hungry too." Al added.
Roy glared at them both. "Why don't you just eat some of that stuff you made…poup?"
Ed sighed heavily. "Dr. Dic Seemin said it's bad for our colon." He paused. "Heh, dick semen." He giggled.
"Ed, shut up." Said the Colonel.
"But it's a funny same! Why would anyone name their kid Dick, I mean really! Just imagine it. 'Hey, Dick!', 'Yooo, it's Dick!', 'Dick-meister, what up?', 'So that'll be 19.95, Mr. Dick', 'Dick, you bastard!', 'Diiiiiiiick'"
Al rolled on the floor, laughing his head off.
"How about this…order a pizza." Roy said irritably.
"They've invented pizza?" Al asked curiously, standing up.
"…here, use my credit card." Roy tossed them a golden Visa card.
"Woah!" Al caught it, staring at it in amazement. "So this is credit!"
"I'm gonna get the phonebook!" Ed yelled, running out of the room.
Several minutes later Ed ran back in squealing. "Ohmigawd, Ohmigawd, Ohmigawd, ohmiGAWD!"
"What is it Brother?" Al asked, tilting his head.
"Look!" Ed thrust forth a calendar. "Mother's Day is like, 3 months, 5 days, 16 hours, 45 minutes and 3 seconds away!" He said in one breath. He looked thoughtful. "2 seconds." He added.
"Ohmigawd! You're right!" Al gasped, his eyes sparkling.
"Why do you guys care? Your mom's dead." Roy pointed out.
Al gawked at Roy, looking on the verge of tears. His knuckles pressed against his mouth (imagine that…Al looks soo cute! Aww). Ed on the other hand, was glaring daggers at the Colonel. If looks could kill…then every man on the face of the planet would die from Ed's extreme sexyness! Wait, wrong saying…I think…Ahem.
"What did you say 'bout my momma?!" Ed fumed.
"Eep! I…uh….said…that your mom was…IS! Is…a nice..and…sexy woman, yes she is." Roy stammered. Roy shielded his face with his arms, awaiting the horrible, painful fate about to become of him. When nothing happened, he peeked nervously at Ed.
Ed had his fists clenched hard, and he was staring at the ground, his face mostly hidden by his golden bangs. Then, he lifted his head and smiled. But it wasn't an ordinary smile, oh no. It was that kind of send-the-fangirls-into-a-swooning-and-drooling frenzy smile. The tilted head, closed eyes smile only anime people can. A smile that would melt Roy's heart if he felt that way for Ed…which he doesn't…cause that's yaoi and I don't support RoyxEd.
On an unrelated note, the reaction to Ed's smile was not as expected. Of course, fangirls went into a wild frenzy, swarming into HQ. They're out now, but 10 soldiers have been found missing. If you are one of those soldiers, please call 1-800-MIS-SING.
Moving on, a fanfiction writing fangirl got so overcome by fangirl-ness that she when she came to HQ, she went mad, beating everyone out of the way to get to Ed. She almost got to blomp him too, but security finally caught her in the end and threw her out the window. (and I have the scars to prove it, damn them.)
And everywhere, guys have been proclaiming themselves gay and running to the scene only to be forced into therapy and made straight again.
-the author apoligizes for this random rant and promises never to do it again. Adding maybe to her statement-
Before Roy got a chance to decide if this smile was good or bad and to maybe fight the intense feeling to squeal all fangirly over Ed's super adorable smile, Ed had pushed him out the window of his 5th story office. (A prime accomplishment, seeing as Ed didn't open the window, yet the window didn't break.)
"Brother!!!" Al cried.
"Psh, he deserved it."
"I'm still hungry." Al said after an akwatd silence.
"Me too. Let's buy that pizza now."
"Okay, use Roy's cell phone." Al suggested.
"You know, it's weird that we have such technology like this when it hasn't been WWI yet." Ed mumbled, grabbing the cell phone and punching in the nearest pizza joint. Al just shrugged.
"Hello, this is Dominos, can I take your order?" A sleepy sounding woman asked from the other end.
"Oh, cool! It worked, this is awesome!" Ed gasped.
"The hell? Okay, is this some kinda prank?"
"No! I wanted to order some pizza."
"Okay, then what's your order?"
"Uhhhh...I want...an extra large pizza with pepporonie and sausages and onions and peppers and cheese and pork and anchovies and pickles and ham and broccoli and squash and corn and muffins and Harry Potter and olives and Skittles and M&Ms and soup and jelly and Nelly and chicken nuggets and icicles and pudding and Ronald McDonald and...and...Orlando Bloom and Naruto and chocolate and Willy Wonka and DDR and- h-hello?! What the fuck, they hung up! The nerve!"
"Awww, shoot." Al sighed. "What are we gonna do?
"I'll tell you what we'll do." The camera zoomed up to Ed's face while he gave a determined smirk. "We'll make it ourselves." He said as the Full Metal Alchemist logo annoyingly popped into the bottom right corner, giving vvarious fangirls only a moment to snog the tv screen before going to a commercial.
The whole screen went blue as white words slowly scrolled up as a guy's boring voice said the following:
"We interrupt this episode of Full Metal Alchemist to bring you this important message."
-blink- A girl with long black hair and amethyst eyes appeared. She was holding up a glass of milk. Zomg, is this an infomercial?!
"Okay people. Let's say you're sitting at home enjoying a nice, refreshing glass of milk." She said, holding the milk close to the screen. Her nose wrinkled. "But what you might not've known was that its possible that your milk could contain trace amounts of bull milk. What is bull milk you might ask? Well, it happens when a farmer is tipsy and milked a bull instead of a cow!"
The audience gasped and started muttering to themselves.
The girl nodded and raised a hand to silence them. "I know. Now… do you get milk when you try and milk a bull?" She shook her head. "No, ya don't. But if you're lucky, you just get a bit of pee. But you don't always get lucky, if ya know what I mean."
Sounds of disgust from the audience.
The girl threw her glass of milk onto the wall behind her and pointed at the camera, a fire in her eyes and her hair floating from a burning red aura. "Protect yourselves and your children! Bull's milk is dangerous, disgusting and might make girls pregnant with half human, half cow FREAKS!"
"YEAH!" The audience roared.
She pumped her fist into the air. "Join the AMA in the fight against milk and other dairy products! REVOLUTION!"
"REVOLUTION!" The audience quickly became a mob led by the girl, running outside and towards a dairy farm.
"The following message was brought to you by the Anti Milk Association or AMA. No cows or dairy or dairy farmers were harmed during the making of this commercial though some were before and especially afterwards. We're not liable for that, we had a contract. If anyone was offended, the AMA president clearly states "We don't care, NYAAAH!" We will now return you to your featured anime."
-once again, the author apoligizes for going on a tangent again. She claims she won't do it again, but she has her fingers crossed, so you can't trust her-
Ed and Al were now sitting on the floor with a hand rafted pizza on the floor. It looked perfect, nice, warm, cheesy, and suspesiously sitting on a transmutation circle. The hell?! Floorboard do not equal pizza goodness!! That ain't equivalency!
"Wow...that looks really good." Al said in awe.
"Are you kidding me?! It's horrible! We failed, little brother!" Ed sobbed into his hands.
"Eh?"
"We...we couldn't transmute a topping!" Ed wailed, pointing an automail finger at the bar cheesy top. Hey, it's perfect like that, idiot! Toppings ruin it!
"Oh no! You're right!" Al gasped. "We're failures as alchemists, Brother!" He cried.
As the two started crying, wallowing in their topping-less angsty pain (and ignoring the tears across America! The Elric Brothers, crying?! Woe!!), Roy barged into the room. How rude, oh wait, it's his office. Anyway, he was looking a mess. Covered in leaves and blood..blood?! Holy crap!
"Eeeeeeedddd!" Roy growled.
Ed looked up, golden eyes sparkling with tears and overflowing with angst. The fangirl who was thrown out the window screamed and ran for Ed again to soothe all his problems and tell him its all right, but was caught and is now being forced to listen to Barney. Damn them, can't get the song outta my head...
"What the hell is your problem?!" Roy shouted.
"I couldn't transmute a topping! I failed Roy!!" Ed wailed, pointing to the pizza.
"Huh?" Roy blinked.
"Psst. You can always use Roy as a topping." Whispered an unknown person.
"What?!"
"...not a bad idea." Al said slowly.
"Yeeah...he might even be tasty..." Ed agreed.
"Hey! Wait a second..that...that's cannibalism!!"
"That's a big word." Ed decided. "Al, lock the doors!!"
"Yush Brother!"
"Wait Ed, you can't do this! I'm a higher rank!"
"Myahahaha..."
"Ed, put down that knife now! Ed?! Ed!! AAAAHHH!"
Later...
Ed and Al were sitting on the floor, happily enjoying some pizza with an odd looking meat on it. Al was still adding piece on.
"Ew, Brother, what should we do with this??" Al asked, holding up what looked like Roy's-cough, hack-
"You kidding me, that's the best part!" Ed exclaimed, grabbing it and stuffing it into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully.
"Well? How's it taste?"
Ed grimaced and spat it out on Roy's desk. "Ewww, too chewy. Nasty."
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Now...maybe the words WHAT THE SPOOT?! is flashing through your minds. Funny story...eheh heh heh...please review!