Yay for an update! Okay, like, yeah, nothing to say...
Disclaimer: Ik bezit niet de Alchimist van het anime Volledige Metaal!(dutch) Je ne possède pas le plein alchimiste en métal d'anime! (french) Ich besitze nicht den anime vollen Metalalchemisten! (german) Non possiedo il alchemist pieno del metallo del anime! (italian) Eu não possuo o alquimista cheio do metal do anime! (portuguese) ¡No poseo a alquimista lleno del metal del anime! (spanish) Anyway I say it, I still don't own FMA! And the orange idea is from TheQueenOfMediocrity, read the original!
Fight the power! Free the oranges!
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Roy was sitting in his office, leaned back in his chair with his feet on the desk (on top of some important papers he should be working on, I might add). Totally relaxed and calm, glad that for once, the Elrics weren't here to bother him. He sighed happily, deciding to eat a juicy orange. That was his first mistake...
He was halfway through his orangy snack when he heard an angry shriek. He blinked, looking around, then shrugged, stuffing the rest of the orange into his mouth.
"YOU BASTARD!" Ed crashed through the ceiling, debris raining down everywhere. Roy gasped in surprise, which was stupid because it make him choke on some of the orange.
Ed's eyes widened as he stared at the orange pulp in his mouth. "Roy, how could you?!" He yelled tearfully, starting to throttle him.
"Graaaahgh, Erard, hrm shokein!" Roy shouted through his orange.
"To a poor defenseless orange too! You're a murderer AND a bastard! DIE!"
"Ed!" Roy shouted, bitch slapping his subordinate. Ed gasped, staggering back and touching his cheek.
"You meanie! I'm telling!"
"Look Ed, I'm not in the mood for your crap right now, so scram." Roy muttered, rubbing his throat.
"Colonel, I'm insulted! I do not appreciate you openly insulting my caring for the being and welfare for the soon to be endangered species of the common orange, so if you would please stop being a perverted, incompetent FOOL, I can tell you what I have to say and dismiss myself!" Ed stated, sniffing indignity.
Roy stared at him, trying to comprehend what was just said. "...huh?"
"Shut the hell up!"
"Oh..." Roy sighed, knowing Ed wasn't gonna leave if he was run over by a bulldozer. Man, how he wished he had a bulldozer..."Okay, go on then."
Ed beamed, getting into a dramatic stance. "Now, first I wanna say, aren't YOU glad you're not an orange?"
"Uh...yeah...sure...whatever..."
"I'm being serious, Mustang! Think of it, it's a wretched life!"
"Ed...they're inanimate objects." Roy blinked.
"As if! Imagine THIS scenario...at first, yeah; it's a good life, being an orange..."
"Oh, great.." Roy groaned slowly.
"Cuz really, you're this pretty little bud and ya smell nice and all... and you hang out with your orange friends and family, just hanging on the Mother Orange Tree, getting nice and round, ya know...orange stuff." Ed nodded slowly. "But then...this giant-"
Roy snorted, interrupting. Ed glared at him. "Shut up, humans are huge compared to the diminutive size of an orange!"
"Or to you..."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD LIVE IN THE SEED OF AN ORANGE?!?!!"
"See, I knew your short rant would have to do with oranges..." Roy mused.
Ed shook it off, returning to his rant. "This giant just comes up to you and grabs you, and he stuffs you into this basket, then into a crate with all these strange stranger oranges, away from home and your peeps...and what if you were on the bottom?! You'll be all squeezed and cramped from other orange bodies! Then, you'd have to be stifled on the bottom of the pile of oranges, living in discomfort, squashed, desperately hoping that someone will come and take you away from this misery, oh gawd, when will it end?! I want freedom!!!"
Roy inched his self closer to the phone. Ed really WAS taken out to early from the asylum...
"Then! Finally! Freedom comes! You can finally breathe, nice and safe...but oh, no, once again, you're stuck into a NEW hell, one called a shopping bag! Oh gawd, why?! WHY!?!?!" Ed dropped to his knees and sobbed.
Roy stared at him, deciding that Ed was crazy and should get mental help like now.
"Oh no, it doesn't end there...you're stuffed into another bag, and another, then into the trunk of someone's car, where you're thrown around with things you ain't see before! Like...bread and...and...jerky." Ed screamed in horror.
"Jerky..." Roy repeated numbly.
Ed nodded, his eyes wide and scared and cute looking. "And then! You're thrown into a fruit basket, with all these other fruits you don't know, like this long yellow one and this...this shiny red thingy and...you're just so scared, being the poor little orange, there's no hope that I'll be free! You just wallow in your misery...wishing you were home!"
Roy was starting to notice that it sounded like Ed thought he was an orange. He blinked again.
"Then a new, scary hand grabs you, and you just know...the suffering's gonna be over soon, but at a terrible price!! They lift you high into the air, tear off your skin from your shaking body, AH, THE PAIN!! WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END?!?!" Ed fell to the floor and writhed in an orangey agony.
Roy stared like woah, another sweatdrop cramming itself in the crowd of sweatdrops already gathered there. "Uh...Ed?"
"And then they rip apart your segmenty insides and eat you! Swallowing the tart yet sweet nectar that is your blood, and you die in the bowels of the human stomach!!!" Ed did one final scream before falling limp, twitching a bit.
Roy sweatdropped yet again, picking up his phone. "Hi, is this the local Asylum? Yes, I would like to request someone for you to pick up...yes, I can wait..."
Ed suddenly jumped to his feet and threw the phone out the window. Roy stared dumbstruck at him. Ed jabbed a finger at his face.
"Now! Aren't you glad you're not an orange?"
"...yeah...sure..." Roy coughed. "But you are fully aware that oranges have no emotions, right?"
"That's because we've MADE them that way! They have nothing to live for anymore!"
"Ed...once again, they're inanimate objects, they stop feeling pain after they're picked off the trees." Roy told him slowly.
"That's the point!" Ed ranted. "The orange tree...it's like their mother! Their life source, dammit! Once they're separated, there's no hope for the oranges! Cutting them off to die a slow, tortured death, like starving or something! WE'RE EATING AND KILLING ANOTHER'S BABY!!!!!"
Roy was now officially freaked out now. "Ed..."
"And what happens when we JUICE them! That's like, sucking their blood from their orange bodies, leaving them withered and empty...we can't let this continue! This is not an isolated problem Roy, this is wide-spread!"
"Uh..."
"THIS INHUMANITY AGAINST ORANGES CAN NOT AND SHALL NOT LAST!"
"..."
"When the rebellion starts, are you gonna be a fighter or a hater?!" Ed demanded.
"I'm...just...gonna...stay out of this, okay?"
Ed glared at him. "FINE! Be an orange hater! But I'll let you know, ONE day, you'll look back on this and you'll regret it! When you decide that the plight of orange abuse is worthy of your oh SO important time, then I'll be in the hall, NOT eating an orange!" He turned on his heel and stomped out of the room.
"Wtf?" Roy asked himself, blinking rapidly. "Yeah...he's on crack..."
"YA HEAR THAT ORANGES?!?! I CARE ABOUT YOU! YEAH! UNLIKE THAT ORANGE HATER! ...YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, ROY!!!" Ed yelled from outside.
"What?!"
"BECAUSE I WUUUUV ORANGES! I'LL MAKE SURE THEY WONT BE EATEN BY THE PEOPLE WHO DONT CARE BOUT THEIR FEELINGS LIKE A CERTAIN FLAME ALCHEMIST I KNOW WHO'S NAME SHALL NOT BE REVEALED -coughROYcough-"
"Okay, that's it!" Roy grabbed another orange and started violently ripping its skin off. "How ya like that??? Hmmmmm????"
Ed gasped, jumping in through the window. "Oh no! Stop it! The poor orange!" Ed wailed.
Roy smirked, peeling the rest of it and slowly cutting it into evenly divided slices.
"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!"
Roy grabbed a slice and slowly brought it to his mouth.
"NUUUUUU!!!!" Ed tackled Roy to the ground, grabbing the orange slices and weeping. "Hold on, lil' buddy! I'll save ya!"
"Get off me!"
"THAT'S IT, YOU DISRESPECTFUL OF FRUIT PEOPLES!!! YOU SHALL PAAAAAY!" Ed yelled, clapping his hands and transmuting Roy into an orange. "Fight the power! Free the oranges!" He cried out, pumping his fist into the air.
"What the- ahh! I'm an orange!"
"Muahahahaha!!!"
"Well, this is strange." Roy blinked, rolling over his subordinate.
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT, DAMMIT, WHO ARE YOU CALLIGN SO SMALL HE COULD BE LICE FOR A FLEA MITE?!?!?!" Ed yelled at both the author and the orange, grabbing Roy and starting to fling him into the air and juggle him.
"WAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!" Roy screeched, his orange eyes spinning.
Ed then grabbed a knife and started peeling Roy. "MUAHAHAHA!!!"
"AAAAAHHHH! NOO! You wouldn't kill your friend, would you?!"
"I can barely call you a friend, you're more of an acquaintance that I just work for and occasionally annoy."
"Occasionally???"
"Okay….I annoy all the time."
"Oh...okay…well...-ahem-...continue."
"Okay then..." Ed continued to peel him.
Roy screamed in pain.
"MUAHAHA, NOW YOU KNOW ORANGE PAIN!" Ed cackled, finishing and cutting Roy in half.
Roy woulda fainted if I wasn't mean enough to keep him fully conscious so he can be in pain longer. Heh heh heh...
Ed continue to cackle madly, grabbing one half of Roy and squeezing him into a juicer he just transmuted.
"AAAUUUGH, THE PAIN!" Roy yelled.
"Muahaha, etc, etc." Ed grabbed the resulting glass of Roy juice and gulped it down, sighing happily and patting his stomach. "Ahh, that's some good ORANGE BLOOD!" He cackled again, grabbing Roy's other half and holding it at his lips. "Any last words?"
"You're mean! I don't think you're even Ed, you're just an evil imposter! Meanie!" Roy wailed.
"I have to teach you a lesson Roy.." Ed glared evilly and quite sexily.
"BY KILLING ME?!?!?!!!!!!!?!"
"...yes." And with that being said, Ed stuffed Roy into his mouth and chewed slowly before swallowing. "Mmmm, orange! Roy." He murmured.
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OMG, that was SO much fun to write. n.n Yay! And now ya'll know the life and untimely death of an orange! Remember, this ain't my idea, it was borrowed from TheQueenOfMediocrity, so like yeah...
Please review!