A/N Sorry for any confusion about the completed status i had up completely forgot about it. Thanks again to Tshdow for the beta.

Chuck Vs Self-Control

How had things gone so wrong, how had she let herself spiral out of control. There was no shred of doubt in her mind that if anyone found out, she would be finished; not just for this operation but period. Salvaging her career after this kind of debacle would not be possible. Yet she couldn't stop. Sarah had tried, oh how she'd tried but she couldn't resist. He was like a siren luring her onto the rocks towards certain doom, yet she was powerless to resist. It was even more amazing that Chuck was oblivious to what he was doing to her.

Everything had been fine just two weeks ago. How had she gone from floating on clouds to this twisted mass of guilt and worry. She really should have seen the complication coming but it had seemed to good to be true. A home, her home, his home, their home, a life together; it had seemed like a dream and like all dreams it had to end.

"Chuck we have an apartment." Sarah had exclaimed exuberantly. Fighting the temptation to jump into his arms.

"CIA finally found us a place?" Chuck responded, still absentmindedly fiddling with the computer.

"Yea it's great. It is just five minutes away from here, so you'll still be close to Ellie. It has two bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, everything we could possibly need." she continued still excited.

"Sounds great. You can at least have some space now, it couldn't have been very comfortable for you these last few weeks." Chuck replied still distracted.

It was puzzling to her that he didn't really seem excited about the apartment. They were moving into their own place, he should be happy? If this was a real relationship, it would have been a huge step for them and a sign of commitment. That's when the harsh reality crushed her fantasy, if it was a real relationship! As far as Chuck knew, they didn't have a relationship. The grand total of their non-cover romance had been one near death kiss and some vague and cryptic remarks on her part while shooting down his every advance. She felt her heart plummet as she'd felt so close to him these last few weeks. It had been real to her, fulfilling, intimate and for him it didn't exist.

For him it was a constant reminder of everything he wanted. Her proximity was like rubbing salt into an open wound, it hurt her to think of it like that. She really shouldn't have done this, he deserved better. She was putting her own needs before his. She was supposed to be his protector, not the other way around.

She shrugged it off as these guilt trips had become far to common. But she did not feel guilty enough to let it completely derail her happiness. Because that was what she was happy, sure it wasn't optimal. In fact when she thought about how little it was she could barely restrain herself from seeking more. Wanting desperatly to reach out and touch the flame even knowing it would destroy her. Yet being together was so so much more than she thought she'd ever experience and as much as she sometimes hated her actions, she knew she couldn't let it go.

Her downfall was assured and that first night making him dinner, talking and then getting ready for bed, it had seemed perfect. Perfect until it shattered.

"So which bedroom is mine?" Chuck inquired.

Five little words, five words that rocked her to her core. Her heart seemed to stop, her voice locked up, she couldn't do anything, say anything. So close to normal, then everything was stripped from her.

"Sarah, which one is mine?" Chuck inquired again.

He'd never said anything so hurtful to her before, all she could do was point at the master bedroom. Their bedroom in her fantasy but now her eyes glistened with tears as she heard him wish her goodnight and exit the bathroom. Leaving, leaving her all alone while abandoning her to her nightmares.

She was terrified lying alone in the dark, she couldn't close her eyes. All her coping mechanisms had abandoned her. There was only one thing that could help her cope now and he was so tantalizingly close but yet out of reach. It was the longest night of her life.

The next night was worse, she was actually shaking from the need to be near him. But she is agent Sarah Walker, this shouldn't be possible. It felt worse than detoxing from cocaine or whatever drug had been necessary, after returning from one of her deep cover missions. He was so close, she could sneak into his room and curl up with him. Then she would be gone before he was even awake. No she couldn't risk it as there was a chance he would awaken. The risk was slim as he was a heavy sleeper, but if he did wake up she wouldn't have an explanation. He was a person, not a substance, this wasn't happening.

The next night she couldn't take it anymore, she needed him. Like a junky needing a fix she justified it by saying to herself; just one more time, one last time and I'll stop.

"Chuck would you like some hot chocolate?" She asked her voice straining to remain steady.

"Sure" Chuck responded "You okay, Sarah?"

"I'm fine Chuck" she responded as she handed Chuck the hot chocolate. Willing her hand not to shake, "Just coming down with a cold."

"Okay, just make sure you get plenty of rest." he said with his voice filled with concerned.

God she felt guilty but she needed this, banishing any second thoughts. "I will, cya tomorrow."

Finishing the hot chocolate Chuck yawned, "that was really good. Thank you Sarah" another yawn. "I think I'm gonna go to bed, night."

She waited all of five minutes before checking on him and sure enough, he was fast asleep. Positively shivering with excitement, she slipped into his bed and wrapped herself around him. Immediately she felt herself completely relax. It was like slipping into a warm bath as every muscle loosened, tension gone and worry disappearing as she fell fast asleep.

When she awoke the next morning, she promised herself never again. She didn't last a day and now 2 weeks later she knew she wouldn't, couldn't stop. She was out of control. She was drugging her asset.