Dear Diary,April 11, 1915

Today I received a letter from Eve. I had sent her a letter telling her about my Valentines date with Jamie and my current feelings on the situation. She has some very helpfully things to say and they brought a smile to my face…

Dear Charlotte,

I was thrilled to get your letter in the mail. Your date on Valentines Day sounds incredible. Daniel proposed to me on Valentines Day. Jamie sounds like a charming boy and I'm sure you're grateful to have him. In your letter, you mentioned how Jamie talked about the Valentines Day being his last one. It's a scary feeling to think about losing someone who means a lot to you. But there are a couple of things that often help me when I'm faced with thinking like that. The first is that God knows what he's doing. God has a plan for you and for Jamie and if it means taking Jamie, then that's what is it. I know it's hard to feel like that's sufficient, but it's the truth. The second is that you and Jamie have these times to look back on. Jamie told you that in case he doesn't come back, you'd have this good time to remember. Charlotte, I know this is hard to understand, but Jamie has a valid point. The best thing after living something is remembering it. You will never forget that night you had with Jamie and that's what he wanted for you. He wanted you to be able to look back and smile at the memory, regardless of how the story may end.

To answer your question, Daniel was accepted to the army. He's quite ecstatic about it. It's hard for me to feel so sad about it when he's so happy about it. I want what's best for him and sometimes I find I need to put aside my feelings, regardless of the fact that they do make up a part of the decisions of our family. Daniel knows that I'm scared and sad, and he sympathizes. But I have told him many times that I want him to be happy and, of course, that I support him in what he's doing. Have you ever told that to Jamie? It's an enormous burden to carry all by yourself and sharing it with him may help you feel better but also help Jamie understand what it's like for you.

I hope all of this helps in the coming weeks and please let me know how it turns out! I'm keeping you in my prayers and I thank you for the prayers you are showering on us.

Love,

Eve

I had decided to follow Eve's advice about telling Jamie my thoughts and feelings. I knew that Jamie needed to hear what I had to say. I also knew it was going to be hard to tell him this and even harder not to cry while doing it. I asked Jamie to come to the clinic around five o'clock (we close at five) so that we could talk. I don't know why I chose the clinic, but that's where we ended up meeting.

Jamie had come in around five minutes to five. He sat down in one of the hard, plastic chairs and sat patiently, watching me as I tried to get the last patients out of the office. When they were finally all out and Dr. Kingly and Helen had left, I locked the door and went over to Jamie and sat on the couch across from him. He smiled at me, but his eyes were full of concern.

"So."

"So."

"What did you want talk about Charlotte? Are you okay?" Jamie got right to the point.

I took a deep breath, willing myself once again that I would not cry.

"Do you remember the woman I was talking to in Mississauga, Jamie?"

"Eve, right?"

"Right. Well, I got a letter from her today and she made a suggestion."

"And what is that?"

"Tell you how I really feel about you enlisting."

Jamie leaned forward and was resting his elbows on his knees.

"I'm listening." His voice was soft and gentle. I couldn't look into his eyes so I starred at the floor and started talking.

"Okay. Jamie, I'm so glad you're doing what makes you happy. I know you really want to join the army and do your part to help the country. But I'm really scared. What happens if you get killed, Jamie? I don't know if I can live like that. I don't want you to go and I'm sad that you are, but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to feel guilty about going or anything like that." I stopped to catch my breath and dared to look at Jamie. To my surprise, his eyes were filled with tears.

"Charlotte…" Jamie paused for a second. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. I really didn't."

A tear slid down his cheek and that put me over the edge. My eyes overflowed and tears started running down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I don't want to feel this way and I try to be supportive but I just can't help it. I don't want to lose you."

Jamie moved over to the couch were I was and put his arm around me.

"I know, Charlotte. I know you support what I'm doing. And I think its okay for you to be scared. I'm scared."

"You are?"

"Sure I am. I'm going to be going to a place that's filled with war and fighting and violence. A place where people are dying. A place where I might die. It's okay to be scared, Char. The important thing is to live knowing that God will be there for you and he'll be with you, here in Mississauga, and with me in France."

"I know. I really do support what you're doing, Jamie. I'm proud of you."

"I know. And I'm glad you told me how you really feel about it. I had never considered how this would be affecting you, I mean, I knew you were sad, but I didn't think about all of this other stuff. I'll do my best to try and be here for you to talk to. We can talk whenever you need to, Charlotte. Just say the word."

"Thank you Jamie."

"Thank you Charlotte."

Jamie and I sat on the couch for several minutes, wrapped in silence. After awhile, we quietly said good-bye and left.

I'm laying here, on my bed and in my nightgown, and I have tears streaming down my face. I don't feel much better but I'm glad Jamie knows know. But how can this be so hard? I've never thought that this would be going through my mind. I thought I was okay with Jamie going off to war, serving others. I just don't know where to turn. You know, I'm laying here and I'm thinking and praying.

God, it's me—Charlotte. God, you know what I'm going through and I know you're counting every tear I've cried. This may seem silly, but I know you've written on the wall once before. Well, God, I'm staring at a blank wall, so if you feel inclined God…that'd be great.

I just spent two minutes staring at the blank wall in my bedroom. And suddenly, God wrote on the wall. Okay, I know he didn't exactly write with ink or anything, but I know exactly what he said: trust.

Okay God. I'll trust you.

Charlotte