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I waited about four days before calling Spencer.

I felt like a guy, honestly. Not wanting to call too soon in fear of sounding desperate. But not wanting to call too late and feigning disinterest. So I'm sitting in my living room, my phone in my hand, waiting to call.

My apartment is a mess. I don't even know how it got this way, I haven't done anything. There are beer bottles scattered around. Pillows on the floor. A blanket in the kitchen from where I passed out after going to that club with Madison. That was four days ago. Papers are all over the floor, and one of my guitars in sitting on top of my TV.

I rub my face in my hands and yawn. And when my cell phone rings, I jump up from the couch in surprise.

"Hello?" I say, not even checking the Caller ID.

"Hey Ashley, it's Jamie."

I feel slightly bad when my face drops and the nervousness in my stomach goes away.

"Hey Jamie. What's up?" I ask, laying down on the couch.

"Nothing. I was just wondering if we could move my lesson for tomorrow to today? Is it too short of notice? Is that okay?" She talks fast and in a nervous tone.

I chuckle into the phone at her cuteness. "Yeah that's fine. How about in an hour or so?"

"Great! Thanks, I'll see you then."

"Yup, bye." I snap my phone shut and lay still on my couch for a couple of minutes. I try not to close my eyes, because then I might fall asleep for the rest of the day.

Eventually, I get up and try to tidy up my apartment. There's something so peaceful about putting on some music and cleaning up around your home. It's domestic, in a way. It's calming. I open the shades and try and get some of the sunlight to seep into the dark room. The brightness leaves me in a better mood.

I'm finishing washing some dishes when I hear a knock at my door. My door-man usually always let's Jamie up. He knows her by now, since she's been taking lessons with me for a while.

"Hey there." I give her a smile when I let Jamie inside.

"Hi." She answers, lugging her guitar case and backpack inside. "Cleaning?"

I laugh a little bit. "Yeah, thanks for noticing. I thought it might be time for this place to get cleaned."

About halfway through, Jamie and I take a break.

"You want a drink?" I ask her as I make my way to the kitchen area.

"Sure." She follows me.

I hand Jamie a soda from the fridge and grab myself one as well. I don't think drinking a beer with some girl who's paying me to teach her how to play the guitar is the best idea.

"Can I ask you, like, a personal question?" Jamie asks as she leans against the counter.

"I guess that depends on what it is." I chuckle. "Shoot."

"Okay, well, there's this girl in one of my classes, right. And she's really cute, I just don't…" Jamie trails off, her eyes looking around the kitchen, not meeting mine.

"You don't know if she's gay or not." I finish her thought. Jamie nods and laughs.

"Yeah. I don't know."

"Well, there's kind of no way to tell. You just have to talk to her."

"I was afraid you were gunna say that." Jamie answers, taking a sip of her soda. "How did you know your last girlfriend was gay?"

"Um, when she kissed me it was kind of a sign." I smile, thinking of the memory.

My last girlfriend was this girl named Kelly. I don't even know if I would call her my girlfriend. I dated her loosely for about a month. She was nice and sweet. And definitely cute. I just never felt anything. At that thought, Madison's words echo in my head. You never feel anything. I frown slightly, feeling the truth of that statement. There was no reason not to like her, not to love her, not to stay with her. I almost wish I had, it would make things so much easier. But I couldn't feel anything special for her. You can't help who you feel for. And I feel for someone else too much to even consider anyone else.

That fact might ruin me.

Jamie's laughter brings me out of my deep thinking. "That's not fair, that's too easy."

I shrug. "Just look for a way to talk to her. It'll come out eventually."

I waited for Spencer to come back from her date for the whole night. I could have gone out. I could have gone out on my own date. But I didn't. I just waited at the park where she told me she'd see me later. I know she didn't expect me to wait there for her. But I didn't want to miss her. And I didn't want to be late.

I heard a car pull up and park, and the lights go dead up above me. I didn't bother turning my head, because I knew it was her. It always was.

I heard footsteps coming down the wooden steps and Spencer plopped down next to me on the grass.

"Hey hot shot." I snickered at her.

Spencer shoved my shoulder lightly but she smirked. She looked cute in her jean skirt, tank top, and light sweater.

"I told you I'd call you when I got here." She said to me.

I shrugged. "I was bored. How was your lovely date?"

Spencer rolled her eyes. "It was okay. He was nice, you know. Sweet, cute. Blah blah."

I laughed lightly. "That's what you said the last three times Spence."

"I know, I just. I don't know. I didn't feel anything."

"Nothing?" I wondered.

"Nope. Well, I felt his tongue in my mouth and that's when I said I had to go." She chuckled quietly.

"Wonderful."

We sat in silence for a while. This was the fourth weekend in a row that Spencer had had a date with a different guy. She said the same thing every time. The guy was always cute and nice. He was always a gentleman and sweet. But she always said she never felt anything. I didn't think anything of it. There was practically a line of guys that would date Spencer. They saw how she looked, and I knew they did because I saw how she looked too.

"How did you know you were gay, Ash." Spencer asked me softly.

I turned my head to her and scrunched my eye brows together. "Well, pretty much when Aiden kissed me in ninth grade and I decided I never wanted anything like that to happen again." I shrugged. "I just didn't like it. And I knew."

Spencer nodded her head and then tilted it back, looking up at the sky. "I never want anything like kissing that guy to happen again either." She said quietly.

I looked at her tilted head, eyes closed, neck exposed. "What's that mean?"

Spencer took a deep breath. "I think I'm gay."

My eyes concentrated on her moving mouth. "Really?"

"Yeah. It wasn't just that guy. It was all of them. Remember when that drunk girl kissed me at that party a while ago?"

I laughed at the memory. We had been at some party somewhere. And some crazy-ass drunk girl just came up to Spencer and kissed her, no warning. No nothing. She said sorry and told us she was trying to get this weird guy to stop hitting on her, so she said Spencer was her girlfriend. Spencer believed her and waved it off. But I saw the way her eyes took in Spencer, and I saw the way she licked her lips after they had kissed.

I knew better.

"How could I forget." I said.

"That was better than any guy I've ever kissed or made out with." She replied.

"Wow." I whistled for effect and that made Spencer chuckle. "Are you okay? This is kind of, new." I wasn't sure what to say. Was she confused? I wanted to be supportive but to be honest, I never thought Spencer was gay.

"I'm fine. I mean, I always thought maybe, you know. I had in inkling but I just never actually said the words. It had to come out eventually." She paused for a second. "It feels good."

I laughed lightly and glanced at her. "Sweet. Now we can pick up chicks together with Aiden."

"Shut up Ash." She laughed deeply.

I thought about telling her how gorgeous she was and that any girl would be lucky to date her. Then I thought about asking her out. But how do you do that? How do you tell your best friend you feel like kissing her sometimes? But I didn't do it, I shook those thoughts from my head. It wasn't fair. She had just told me she was gay, it was too early and honestly I wasn't sure what I was feeling.

Relief? Because now I wouldn't have to watch her go through guys.

Jealousy? Because eventually she would date a girl and that girl most likely wouldn't be me.

Confusion? Because I was always allowed to admire my straight best friend. But now that she was gay, it was a whole different ball game.

So I told myself that one day. One day in the future I would do something about it. Because I knew she felt that connection that I felt between us. I knew it. But that day never came. And when I really, truly did realize that I just wanted her, I was too scared and it was too late.

When Jamie finally leaves my apartment, it's about five thirty and I'm wondering is that's a bad time to call Spencer. Finally. I don't want to be rude and call during dinner. But I don't want to wait and call too late. And I hate that I'm stressing over this. I should be able to call my best friend whenever the hell I want to. Best friend? Friend. Friend? Acquaintance. Acquaintance?

I'm not sure.

"Hi Ashley." Spencer says when she picks up after two rings. I hear a smile in her voice.

"Hey, what's up? Did I call at a bad time?" I cringe at my lameness. Since when did I become this nervous, shy, quiet girl? Maybe it's been happening so subtly over the years that I haven't noticed.

"Nah, I'm just doing some homework."

"Oh." I squeak. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interru-"

Spencer cuts me off with a light chuckle. "No, I welcome the interruption anyway. Especially from you. What are you up to?"

I smile and lay upside down on my couch, like I used to do when talking to Spencer when we were closer. "Nothin'. I just gave a lesson. And I cleaned my apartment."

"Cleaned? You? Are you sure."

I laugh. "I'm surprisingly domestic Spencer."

"I know." Spencer says with confidence.

And just like that we can easily fall back into talking.

"Anyway, do you wanna grab lunch tomorrow?" I ask, some timidity coming back into my wavering voice.

"Definitely." Spencer answers without missing a beat. "I'll text you when my class is done and we can meet up."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later then?" It was supposed to come out as a statement but my voice betrays me and morphs the words into a question.

"Bye Ashley." Spencer says, ignoring my question because she most likely knows what I meant.

And I love her.

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Eighteen hours later I am showered, dressed, and ready to head out my door. Now all I have to do is wait an hour before I actually can go meet Spencer. I check my appearance, about, oh, five million times. I went from a skirt (too fancy), to slacks (too business), and finally to ripped jeans (perfect), a t-shirt and my leather jacket. I tap my fingers nervously on my jean-clad legs and think of ways to waste time.

After just sitting in place for forty-five minutes my phone buzzes and in my haste I knock it onto the ground like a total spaz.

My class got out early. Meet at the deli by you? –Spencer

Yeah, see you soon. –Ashley

=) –Spencer

My heart races just a little bit as I head out my door. I fight back the temptation to totally and completely analyze that smiley face in her text. Finding meaning in it will only drive me even more insane than I already am.

Texting gives you brain aneurisms, I swear.

I wait outside the Deli, because I practically speed-walked there, and three minutes later I see a blonde with a messenger bag come walking my way. She has on dark jeans and a small green sweatshirt and I want to hug her. I want to feel if that sweatshirt is as soft as it looks.

And I do. I give in to temptation and hug Spencer around the neck right when she gets to me. It takes all that I have not to bury my face in her hair and smell her, even though I can smell that perfume she always did, and still does wear. Her hands reach my back and are placed softy, but firmly on it.

When we pull away I smile at her and I see she is copying me.

"Hi." I manage. "How are you?"

Spencer nods. "Good now."

With that, we enter the Deli, one we used to go to all the time, and every second that I am in there I resist the pulsing urge I have to kiss her.

"How's your mom?" Spencer asks me when we finally sit down.

I shrug. "I don't know, I haven't talked to her since she told me she was getting married. I'm expecting an angry phone call any day now."

Spencer chuckles. "You like her fiancé?"

"He's alright. His name is Donald. I associate him with the duck."

"How mature of you." Spencer says and raises her eyebrows.

"Oh come on. Donald? Did his parents really think anyone would take him seriously." I laugh out.

"Okay, you're right. I'm now picturing a duck in a business suit with a briefcase."

I laugh and almost snort chocolate milk out of my nose. We eat and continue to talk. No weird silences. No pauses. And then someone somewhere wants to ruin my day when I see that girl Trish, the one I never called, walk in the door of the Deli.

This is what I was talking about, the universe being a bitch. Of course this girl walks in, who I barely know. The one time I am actually out with Spencer in forever.

I try not to meet the girls' eye, but she catches me anyway and starts to walk over.

"Oh goddammit." I mutter under my breath and Spencer gives me a weird look.

"What?" She asks, but before I have a chance to reply, Trish is standing by our table and Spencer is looking up at her curiously.

"Hello Ashley." She says with a tight smile on her face.

"Oh, hey Trish, uh, how are you?" I ask lamely.

"I'm alright." And then her face gets sympathetic and I'm thrown off guard. "How's your grandma?"

I open my mouth and then close it, looking at Spencer who's looking at Trish. What?

And then I remember.

"Oh, she's okay, uh," I fumble around for some lies, "hanging in there."

Trish nods like she understands. "Too bad."

"Hi, I'm Spencer." Spencer says evenly, holding her hand out for Trish to shake. Trish smiles lightly, flipping her black hair over her shoulder with her other hand.

"Trish. Are you a friend of Ashley's?" She asks curiously.

Oh Jesus Christ. Why is this happening.

I go to say something, but Spencer obviously catches my awkwardness and my hesitancy.

"Yeah, I'm her girlfriend." Spencer says calmly, taking my hand in hers across the table, intertwining our fingers. "Right sweetie?" I look at Spencer, probably with eyes as wide as a deer's. My mouth is unable to form words and my brain is unable to function.

"Oh." Trish says roughly. She shoots me a glare and squints her eyes. "Well, I have to go. I'll see you around."

I watch her leave without ordering anything, but I am mostly focusing on the way Spencer is still holding on to my hand. Tightly.

She finally lets go and I finally breathe correctly.

"Um, thanks." I mumble, catching her eyes.

"Yeah no problem, I kinda got the feeling you weren't too happy to see, uh, her." Spencer says quietly.

I chuckle. Understatement. "Definitely not."

"Old girlfriend?" Spencer asks casually, picking at her salad with her fork.

"No, no, we went on like, one date."

"Oh, what happened? She was kinda cute." Spencer says, and it seems like she's having trouble with the words.

"I guess. Kind of bitchy." I shrug. "I didn't really feel anything, so I never called her."

Spencer smiles at my words and nods. "What's wrong with your grandma? Why do I feel like that's a lie?" She chuckles, looking right at me.

"You would feel right." I tell her, smiling.

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My short span of giddiness is thoroughly obliterated when I get home and listen to the message my mother left me while I was out.

Hello Ashley. This is your mother. I'm just letting you know that in a few days I've set up for my engagement dinner here, at my home. I will need yours and Kyla's help. I've already talked to her. So please call me back and let me know you haven't been passed out drunk in your bed for the last week. Ciao.

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