When exactly is later?

I'll talk to you later. I'll tell you later. I'll see you later. Call me later? When is this later that everyone seems to know the definition of? That's what I'd like to know.

I decide during late afternoon that it is later. Mostly because I don't think I am able to wait any longer before calling Spencer.

"Hello?" She says nervously. I know that "hello". I've used that "hello" a million time before. It's that "hello" you say to someone on the phone questioningly, even though you are aware of exactly who is on the other line. It's what you say when you're not sure if you want to be happy about answering the call, you're not sure you wanted to pick it up in the first place.

"Hey, it's uh, Ashley." I say defeated. Defeated by that "hello."

"Hey."

There is a pause. Not too long, but just long enough for it to be kind of awkward.

"Um, what's up?" I ask because I can think of nothing else to say.

I hear Spencer let out a breathe on the other end of the line. But she doesn't say anything, "Fuck Spencer, did I call at a bad time or something?" I ask rigidly. I can't help the bitterness that seeps into every single word my mouth lets out.

"No, sorry. Um, want to just, meet for coffee or something, I don't want to talk over the phone." Spencer answers apologetically.

"Sure."

We decide to meet at the Starbucks an equal distance from both our places. It's neutral, middle ground. So I guess if either one of us decides to run we'd both have the same distance to get away. How horribly pessimistic is that?

I won't be the one running though. I can say at least that.

"I don't really have to." Spencer said to me, sitting on her bed, fidgeting so much I thought I was going to go crazy as well.

"Spence."

"I mean, I can just pretend for the rest of my life, right?"

"No."

"I'll do it next week."

"Spencer, listen to me. You have to tell your mom you're gay, okay? It'll just get harder if you keep waiting."

"But what if she kicks me out?" Spencer asked me in a terrified voice. She stood up and started pacing around her room.

"I don't think she would do that." I told, even though I wasn't too sure.

"Are you sure?"

"Um, yeah." I said slightly hesitantly. Spencer gave me a look, one that told me she knew I was lying. But it was for her benefit so she let it go.

Paula had asked Spencer almost every single weekend why she wasn't going out with boys since she had stopped saying yes to dates. She kept asking me who Spencer liked and what boys she was interested in. She kept asking Spencer and Glen, too. I thought it would just be best for her to come out to her mom. Easier that way.

I gave Spencer a warm smile at the dinner table. She was sitting right next to me, not eating her food at all. She was being quiet. Spencer was never quiet.

"Spencer honey, are you okay?" Paula asked her over a glass of iced tea.

"Mom." She said suddenly, putting her fork down. I don't even know why she was holding it, she was just twirling it in her fingers. "I have to tell you something."

I gave Spencer's hand a small squeeze under the table and kept eating my food. I wasn't sure how her mom was going to react. I hoped it wasn't too bad.

"Alright. What is it?" Paula asked her daughter concerned. Paula's eyes flashed to mine quickly, knowingly, and I looked back at her in a weird way. If someone would have just given me one more minute to figure it out, I would have laughed my ass off right then and there.

"Well, um, I'm, I'm gay mom. You know, I like girls." Spencer said shakily, adding that last part unneccisarily and even though it was a serious moment I wanted to chuckle at her.

"Gay?" Paula said, looking at Spencer. "Well, that's lovely dear."

My eyes snapped to Paula, not sure if I heard correctly. Spencer turned to me, her mouth wide open and her eyebrows scrunched together.

"Mom, you heard me right. I'm a lesbian." Spencer repeated quite bluntly.

Paula smiled. "I heard you Spencer. Honey, did you think I would be mad? Honestly, I kind of thought so for a while." Paula said with a shrug.

"Mom!" Spencer exclaimed while I chuckled at her expense. "So, you're, like, fine? I like girls. Not boys."

"Spencer." Paula said with a slight chuckle. "I understand and that's perfectly fine. Boys will get you pregnant anyway, you're better off."

I almost chocked on my broccoli when she said that.

"Sorry." I wheezed, shooting Spencer a grin.

"Um, thanks mom." Spencer said, smiling at Paula.

Paula nodded. "So, you girls want dessert?"

Spencer and I nodded gladly and Paula got up, heading to the kitchen. "Oh, Ashley? Could you just make sure Spencer doesn't go out with a skank?"

"Mom!" Spencer's eyes literally bugged out of her head.

I laughed hard and snorted loudly. "I'll make sure."

"Thanks Ashley." Paula said with a wink my way as she retreated into the kitchen.

"Holy shit." Spencer said with a shocked expression on her face when her mom was gone.

I shrugged. "Well that was easy." I gave Spencer a smile and took a sip of iced tea.

I had a feeling that Paula knew something both Spencer and I didn't.

When I get there, Spencer is already seated at a table in the back. Her head down, fingers toying with the cardboard on her coffee cup. I see her from the street, before I am even inside the shop. Her blonde hair stands out in a messy ponytail. I don't even bother ordering any coffee or any kind of drink. By the way my hands have been shaking I am sure to knock it over and cause a scene and a mess. I don't need any more messes.

I sit down across from Spencer at the small table and she still doesn't look up. When she does, her eyes are impossibly clear blue and burning right into my brown ones. I open and close my mouth to say something but decide not to.

Spencer leans back slightly in her chair and I see the smallest of small smiles creep up on her beautiful face.

"Well this isn't weird." She says sarcastically, her eyes darting around the room. Watching people come and go, order and pick up their cold or steaming drinks. Their scones.

"It could be worse."

"Yeah, how's that?"

I shrug. I wasn't really expecting to back up my statement with a legitimate reason. "I don't know."

We stare at each other for a little while longer.

"Should we like, recount the events?" Spencer asks timidly, shyly almost. Totally serious.

I can't help but smirk a little. "It's not a project, Spencer." I spit out.

"Right." She nods. It's cute, she's blushing. "You're right, sorry."

"We had sex." I gulp, thinking it would have been easier to for me to say those words. "No big deal." No wait, thinking it would have been easier for me to say those words.

"You're lying." Spencer states the obvious.

"I'm lying. It was a huge fucking deal." I tap my fingers on the table, not knowing what to say, so the next thing just flies out of my mouth for no apparent reason at all. "You started it."

Spencer's mouth drops and she makes a gasping sound. "You started it. You kissed me."

"You came back." I counter.

Spencer scoffs. "But really, did you think I was not going to? Come on."

"No! I thought you made it pretty clear." I tell her in a hushed tone even though there is no need for it. "Fine, you know what. I know what you're thinking."

Spencer locks her eyes on mine again and I feel my face burn. I might need sun tan lotion. "Oh yeah? Tell me psychic."

I squint my eyes at her. "You're thinking it was a mistake. And you have a girlfriend, you cheated on your girlfriend which you're all terribly torn up about. Cheating is bad yeah, blah blah blah. You're thinking we're gunna be so weird now because we had sex, really good, really fucking amazing sex. You're mad because I should have stopped it sure, but you should have stopped it too and you're mad at yourself." I end my rant and look back at her. Her face is expressionless. She's just watching me.

Spencer scratches the top of her head. "You're confusing what I should be thinking and what I actually am thinking, Ashley."

"What?"

"Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend. On Carmen who I've been with for almost two years. That's a long time. It was messed up and shouldn't have happened. Obviously. And I should have stopped it. If anyone were to stop it, it should have been me, but I didn't."

"Uh huh." I breathe out, my heart aching a little bit. The words sound different coming from her mouth compared to coming from my own.

"All those things you said are what I should be thinking." I look back to her. "But what I am actually thinking, all I am thinking, Ash, is- just how badly I want to kiss you again. Since the second I left your apartment."

"Oh." I state slowly. I wasn't expecting that. "That's what you're thinking?"

"That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it is getting harder by the second to not kiss you and Jesus, I'm thinking I want you to kiss me back."

"Spencer?" I ask, my eyes still on her face, roaming around it freely. They go to her lips.

"Yeah?" She says quietly.

"I'm thinking that too." I tell her.

"I'm really, really glad."

I want my next sentence to be "Want to get out of here?" But I don't say it because out loud, it would sound too cheesy and so overtly sexual. And I don't want it to sound that way. Even though that is exactly how I mean it as Spencer and I just continue to stare at each other. I try to think of better ways to say it.

"Can we leave now?" Spencer asks quietly and I think that that is the perfect way to say it.

I just nod and we exit Starbucks. We don't talk as we walk faster than normal back to my apartment. And I don't dare glance over at Spence by my side because if I did I would end up ripping her clothes off in the middle of the street. Public sex is fun but not like that. And not with a ticket and fine for public indiscretion. I don't say anything still as we climb the stairs to my apartment many floors up because I'm scared if I do then this might not be real. If I do say something, it will dawn on me that this shouldn't happen. Not again. That this is not exactly right, as much as I want it to be.

So I don't say anything.

But I have to make sure. I have to be sure. Right before we get to my door I push Spencer against the wall forcefully and step into her personal space, totally disregarding any boundaries she might have. I take her hands in mine, thread the fingers together, and lift them over her head, with little struggle from Spencer. My nose is touching hers. I know that we're both breathing heavily as I look into her eyes for signs that she is sure. Because I can't do this if she's not. Her eyes are dark blue and they're staring intently at mine while her lips are parted so she can breathe easier.

I breathe jaggedly on her cheek and drag my lips lightly down her jaw line and to the other side of her face. I feel Spencer try and free her hands but I don't allow her to. My lips meet her neck and I hear the smallest of moans come from her mouth. Like she didn't want to let it escape. But it betrayed her.

"You're beautiful." I groan against the flesh of her exposed neck. "You're so beautiful."

"Ash." Spencer pants slightly. I bring my mouth to her ear and trace the outline of it with my tongue, earning a groan from the blonde trapped against the hard wall and my hot body.

I bring my face back directly in front of hers and rest my forehead against her own. "Yeah."

"Will you kiss me now please." She says to me, breath on my lips, body curved into mine.

I don't use words as an answer.

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"Ashley?"

I open my eyes at the sound of my name coming from Spencer's mouth. It's right next to me and I'm now staring into blue eyes hovering above me.

"Hi."

Spencer smiles warmly at me and brings her nose to rub my cheek. I realize I'm laying in bed and she's standing next to my bed. "I have to go."

Her nose continues to trace my jaw line as I try to speak in verbal form. You know, with words. "Why?"

"I have a night class." She whispers to my mouth.

I bring my hands to smooth over her neck and up into her hair. Spencer sighs at the feeling and I smile at her. Her blue eyes twinkling back at me.

"Okay." I say lightly.

Spencer's lips are now on my ear as she says: "You're wonderful, you know that?"

I close my eyes and tug her hair a little. "No."

"Well, you are." She whispers softly against my lips right before she kisses me. With care.

We don't say any more words to each other before Spencer leaves. And when she does, I sink lower into my bed and close my eyes. Wishing she were right next to me sleeping peacefully.

The same wish I've had for years.