Hi friends. I hope you like :) Leave me some loooove.

Have you ever experienced something that was so terribly wrong in every single aspect? Morally, it's just not right. People are going to get hurt, people are going to cry. Hearts will surely be broken. Emotionally, a toll is being taken on your most vital organ. So much has happened in so little time even though it took you years to get here. And now that you're actually here, in the present. You have no idea what to do. Mentally, you're going insane. You are so very sure of this. Physically, well. Actually physically there is nothing wrong with it.

Right now, I am suffering. Suffering because of a couple of different reasons. One is that I have not spoken to Spencer in almost three days. She's been busy with school and other things, other things like Carmen. Ugh. And two is that my mother is making Kyla and I go look at the Public Library with her, where her wedding will be held. I love that library, and I hate that my mother is going to forever taint it with her wedding bullshit. Reason one ties into reason two when Spencer is going to be there as well. With Carmen.

"Whaaaaat?" I groan into my intercom.

"Let me in!" Kyla screeches through the little plastic box in my wall. I buzz her up.

"I'm freakin' out man!" Kyla says as she barges into my apartment.

I continue to strum my guitar as I laugh at her. "Wait, wait. Did you just say man?"

Kyla glares at me and paces around in front of me. "Yes, I told you, I'm freaking out. Christine, Jesus Christ on a bicycle, she keeps calling me. Calling me! Telling me to do things, requesting things."

"She's a psycho." I say calmly as I keep playing, sitting cross-legged on my ottoman. Ottoman, what a strange but lovely word.

"She's your mother, why isn't she bombarding you?"

I frown slightly and answer Kyla. "Well, she thinks I'm useless and illiterate, I'm pretty sure."

"I wish I were useless and illiterate." Kyla grumbles as she slouches on my couch.

I chuckle. "Kyla, but you are. Just not as much as me, apparently."

Kyla throws a pillow at me. "At least this will be over soon."

"Thank God, or whoever." I tell her.

"Have you talked to Spencer?" Kyla asks me.

My eyes move around the room. "I, uh, no, not recently, why?"

"Because!" Kyla exclaims too loudly again. "She said she would help me with the flowers! Why haven't you talked to her, I thought you two were good now?"

"Oh." I play with the pick in my hands. "We are, I just haven't spoken to her in…what?" I trail off and ask Kyla because she's staring at me with her squinty eyes. "What?" I repeat.

"What happened."

"Uh, what?" I say more quietly.

Fuck, I wish I were better at lying.

"Ashley! What happened?"

I exhale a breathe. "Nothing happened, God."

Kyla stands up and points a finger at me. "Something happened." I stay quiet. "Fine, don't tell me. But she's coming with Carmen and I need you to help me."

I roll my eyes at the mention of Carmen's stupid name. It's all I can do stop myself from crying right then and there. "I will Ky, I promise."

"Good. Anyway, I better go, Glen has problems picking out clothes." She says as she heads towards the door. "And Ashley?"

"Yes Kyla?" I answer in a mocking tone, meeting her eyes.

"I know what you're not telling me. I'll be there the whole time for you, if you need me." Her eyes are warm and she gives me a smile. I only nod, overcome with emotion that I just don't want to be feeling right now. Kyla leaves and I continue to strum my guitar. Thinking of how much I really do love my half-sister.

It's about time we left that limbo.

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"I'm living out my Sex and the City fantasy!" My mother exclaims like a fool while twirling around the upstairs of the library.

"Let's hope Big Donald actually shows up." I mutter bitterly under my breathe. Kyla gives me a glare.

"What was that Ashley, dear?"

"I said, when is Donald going to show up?" I cover my snide remark.

"Oh." My mother answers with a giant, cheesy smile. "He should be here soon."

My mother is running around with the florist and the caterers and all those people. Planning out the perfect wedding she believes she will have. I wonder if she thinks it will be her last. I personally hope so.

Weddings make me think. I think, every time my mother gets married, if and when I will get married. I guess I technically can't, unless I move to Vermont. It was going to be California, which I would absolutely love, but apparently not anymore. I don't even know if I want to get married. Sometimes I think marriage is just a piece of paper. Marriage is not love. More than that, I want to be happy. I think everyone does. I don't care if I get married or if I sign a piece of paper, I just wonder if I will be with the one I love. This train of thought brings me somewhere.

I just want to be with Spencer. God, I just want to be with her.

I don't think I care about much else.

As my mother chats away with some 'very important' people, I turn to Kyla.

"Do you think you and Glen are going to get married?" I ask her.

Kyla meets my eyes. "I don't know." She looks up at the ceiling for a second. "I'm young, you know. There's so much I want to do. I don't want to be that person that is defined by marriage."

I nod. "I understand."

"I do love Glen. But right now I'd like to just enjoy that."

I smile at my half-sister. "I really like you, Kyla." I tell her with a goofy smile on my face.

Kyla's face brightens are her eyes are warm and loving. "I really like you too, Ash." We stand in a peaceful quiet, aside from my mother's loud voice, for a few minutes. "You know, if Glen and I got married that would make Spencer your," Kyla puts her finger up in the air like she's trying to solve a difficult math equation, "your uh, second step sister-in-law. Or something."

"Interesting."

Kyla shrugs.

"Hello ladies." Donald's deep voice says, coming up from behind us.

"Hi Donald." Kyla and I say at the same time.

"Christine is over there." Kyla says with a smile.

Donald is dressed in khakis, a green polo, and a light jacket. I feel like he just stepped off of a yacht. Or out of a J. Crew catalogue. He's carrying a brown briefcase. Kind of like one of those that looks like it has stacks of hundred-dollar bills in it. It might.

"Oh, there's Spencer and Carmen. Hey!" Kyla yells as they walk over to us. They're hand in hand and already I feel like I'm going to have to take lots of deep breaths in preparation for passing out.

I tried not to think about seeing them together. And what that might feel like. I tried to let it not consume me. It didn't work. I'm still cracking in half inside. My skin is boiling over with a mixture of anger and pure despair.

"Hey guys." Carmen says with an easy smile to me and Kyla. I want to crack her teeth on the curb outside.

Spencer's eyes meet mine, and although she's giving me a tight-lipped smile hello, her eyes are bright and they're saying things to me that she can't verbally express.

"Hey." I try and say evenly, I think I fool them.

Spencer's tight jeans and V-neck long-sleeve shirt are distracting me from the conversation the other three are engaging in. Something about flowers. I quickly wonder why Carmen needs to be here. She doesn't need to be. And really, neither does Spencer. Kyla doesn't need that much help with the flowers.

"You excited?" Carmen asks Kyla and I. I know Kyla rolls her eyes.

"Um, no." I say blandly. "The excitement ended after the third wedding."

"That sucks. At least you can just get drunk." Carmen says with a slight laugh. And I hate that she's being nice and understanding. I need more reasons to loathe her. Although maybe her being with Spencer is enough.

I give Carmen a fake smile. "Yeah."

"Hey Carmen, you wanna give me a quick hand with these?" Kyla asks, pointing to some flowers on a table to the side of us.

Carmen nods. "Yeah, no problem."

Kyla gives me a quick glance as she walks away with Carmen and flowers in tow.

I meet Spencer's eyes and I want to move closer to her but I don't.

"Hey." Is all I can say.

"Hi." Spencer pauses and her eyes look almost sad. "Ash, I'm s-"

"Don't." I interrupt her, shaking my head vigorously. "You don't need to."

"But-"

"No, just, please don't?" I'm almost pleading now, but I don't care. Spencer just nods her head.

"So, how are you?" She asks, picking at her nails.

"I'm alright. I got like, three new kids who want guitar lessons." I tell her for no reason. I just need things to say that will stop me from kissing her.

"Oh yeah? That's great. I hope they don't throw up on you like that one kid."

I sincerely laugh. "Me too."

I try to keep my eyes from drifting to her lips. They keep moving down but I catch them every time. I will not be vulnerable.

"You look really nice." I say quietly.

"I'm just wearing a shirt." Spencer answers, here eyes on mine. Deep blue.

"Well, you look really nice in that shirt."

"Thanks." Spencer whispers like it's a secret or something. Like I'm not supposed to be complimenting her nice shirt. Like it's forbidden.

Is it?

"How's school?" I ask more questions. Just keep asking more questions, Ashley.

Spencer closes her eyes and then opens them back up. "I could tell you about it in the bathroom?" She suggests.

I know I shouldn't. It's so wrong on so many levels. So, so many levels.

"That bathroom is a good place for conversations." I say robotically, moving forward as I say it.

"Yeah no, I think so too." Spencer says hurriedly, leading me downstairs.

I don't know why I say what I say next. "It's really nice when bathrooms have those like, warm towels and stuff."

Spencer gives me a weird look and an adorable smile. "And those mints."

"They're awesome." I respond as we enter through the door, one body right after the other.

The second the door is closed my mouth is on Spencer's and I hear her gasp a little before falling into my body. I kiss her and kiss away all the anger and sadness I was feeling before. I'm trying to tell her with my rough kiss. Spencer pulls the hem of my shirt towards her more as her own mouth deepens the kiss. I find my back pressed up against a wall in the back of the bathroom.

"Spence." I moan as her lips move to my neck. She slows down our energy by slowly kissing and licking my neck, moving to my sensitive collarbone. My hands find their way to her back pockets and I feel her groan into my skin.

Spencer's mouth comes slowly back up to mine as my hand parallels up her shirt. "You feel so soft." She mumbles into my mouth.

My head is spinning and I am totally and completely delusional. Her lips make my mind scatter and my body ache and throb all over.

"Break up with Carmen." I say into her mouth before I can stop myself.

Spencer pulls her mouth away from mine and opens her eyes. Blue washing over brown. "What?"

"I-" I don't know what to say and I'm not sure if what I just said is bad or not. "You heard me."

Spencer keeps looking at me and I know what she's going to say before her mouth even opens. Her hands are still in my hair and mine are still inside her nice shirt. "I can't."

My chest is moving up and down and my heart kind of hurts with all the pounding. "Why."

"Ashley." Spencer lets go of me and takes a very tiny step backwards. "I just- can't do that right now."

I take a deep, hurtful breath. It's kind of like breathing in shards of glass. I take a step away from the wall and head towards the door. "Then I can't do this with you."

"Spencer!" I yelled across the quad. "Spencer come back here!" Spencer was moving fast towards the parking lot. I had to jog to catch up to her. She had been ignoring me all day, giving me angry faces, not answering my words or questions. I was sick of it, I had no idea what I did.

"Spencer, would you just, slow the hell down?" I wheezed out, clutching my side. I really had to quit smoking. I grabbed her wrist right by the car, turning her around.

"What?"

"Don't what me! What is wrong with you, what did I do?" I asked her sincerely.

Spencer's face hardened. Her blue eyes were flaming. "You ditched me."

I sighed, not understanding. "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't ditch you."

"Yes you did!" Spencer said loudly right in my face. "You ditched me for her."

I thought back to last night. Which is what she must have been talking about. I had gone out on a semi-date with this girl who I wasn't sure I liked or not. We had been "hanging out" a couple of times.

"Spencer. I told you I was hanging out with Cassie."

"No you didn't." Spencer spat angrily.

"Yes I did! Oh my God, I told you on Saturday. Remember?" I said to her. I swear I told her.

"No you didn't Ashley. We were supposed to go to the movies." Spencer said, her voice calming down just a small bit.

I tried my hardest to choke back the smile that was coming up on my face. "Spencer. That's next weekend. Remember? I told you at Wendy's on Saturday that I was hanging out with Cassie, and then you said you wanted to go see that movie about killing the cows because Cassie reminds you of a cow's name? And then I said yeah, next weekend so then we can see the other one about the cartoon fish right after because it opens next weekend?" I said slowly to Spencer. Her face twisted around, eyebrows scrunching, trying to remember. Her eyes snapped back to mine with realization.

"Oh." Is all she said.

I smirked. "You were wrong."

Spencer crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from me. I poked her stomach. "Say it."

"No Ash."

"Spencer, tell me you were wrong. Come on, say it."

Spencer mumbled something unintelligible. Something that sounded like I was wrong. "What was that Spence?"

"I was wrong!" Spencer yelled, throwing her hands up. "Fine. I'm sorry. I got confused."

I chuckled. "You're a douchebag, you know that?"

"I still don't like her. She's stupid. She asked me how to spell orange."

I snorted. "She's kind of, um, not too clever."

"She's dumb, Ashley. You want to go out with a dumb girl?" Spencer said with a small smile on her face. I shrugged. "Can you, just, not hang out with her as much? I don't want you to get stupid, you know?"

I met Spencer's eyes. "I can do that."

I didn't like that girl much anyway and to be honest, I'd rather hang out with Spencer. I didn't care who she wanted me to drop. Other people paled in comparison to Spencer. And they always would.

My face is flushed with a mixture or arousal, anger, and confusion as I exit the bathroom. That memory just reminds me that I would have dropped anyone for that girl. I would have done anything for her. I rub my hands on my temples and try to sort out this mess.

Of course, a girlfriend of almost two years is more serious than some girl I met at the mall. Right? I cannot compare those two situations. But I can't keep seeing Spencer with Carmen and then secretly being with Spencer. I need all of Spencer. My heart rips to shreads at the thought of Carmen touching her like I do, kissing her. And my jealousy flares when I see that Carmen is allowed to hold her hand in public. To kiss her cheek on park benches.

My eyes are welling up as I walk up the steps so I wipe them roughly.

What kind of disaster have I created? I am one thousand different shades of mad, but I was the one who pushed her away in the first place. It was me who didn't do anything. I don't know who to blame here. I don't know what to do here. I just know I love Spencer.

"Where were you? I need your to help with this table." Kyla asks me hurriedly, pushing me towards the side of the room.

"Sorry." I mumble. "I had to pee."

"Where's Spencer?" She asks, her eyes roaming over my shoulder and around the room.

I sigh and pick up one end of the table.

"I have no idea where Spencer is."

No idea.

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Note: I mean no offense at all to anyone named Cassie. I swear, I just needed a random name, and obviously Spencer wouldn't have liked the girl no matter what her name was. Ya know? :)