Enjoy :)

I don't know why I put that line there. It just looks nice I think.

This whole friends thing is slightly odd. I think you can understand. Being friends with Spencer before was bearable torture when she had no idea how I felt and I had no idea if she felt. But now, now that this thing, whatever it was- sex, making love, confessions of a broken and hurting heart, cheating on a girlfriend- is everywhere around us. How do you go from one to the other and back again? Obviously, it's difficult and partially awkward. However, it's not totally heart breaking. More like heart aching.

"What movie?" Spencer asks me from my cabinet full of films I had acquired over the years. Birthday presents, free ones, Christmas presents, just-because presents, ones I bought myself, that one copy of The Brave Little Toaster I stole. What? I wasn't about to actually pay for that.

I called Spencer later in the week, like she requested and we decided to just hang out. Like we always used to do. Yes, there is that thumping in my heart, my eyes are lingering for more time than appropriate, a small handful of slightly awkward silences, shy smiles. But there are also all the old, wonderful things. Her presence, the jokes and laughing, the cute teasing banter, the comfortableness. Even after being together intimately we are comfortable together. That fact right there just further propels the thought of us being made for each other to the front of my mind. If you can survive those things with your best friend than what can't you do?

"I don't know, you pick." I tell her from the kitchen where I am getting drinks together. There is no doubt I'll need a beer. Really, a shot to calm my nerves would be better but I'm not about to get drunk right now.

I walk back into the living room and set everything on the coffee table. I take a seat on the couch and wait for Spencer to pick. She's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. She looks comfortable and so snuggly that I have to look away. I put my arms behind my head and silently wait.

Spencer turns around with a sly grin on her face, holding up The Devil's Rejects. We both have a thing for Rob Zombie. And appropriately so, because he's the shit.

"I hope he doesn't fuck it up." Spencer said, taking a seat on the couch in my old house.

I scoffed. "He's Rob Zombie, he doesn't fuck anything up. He makes everything better." I told her, holding a copy of his remade Halloween in my hands.

"True." Spencer giggled, making herself comfortable.

I put in the DVD and go sit next to her. Then, I didn't have to measure my distance from her. I just sat down where I thought it would be most comfortable. I sat down without a second thought as to whether it would be weird being so close. Or strange because the couch was so big. I just sat freely. A privilege you don't fully appreciate until it's gone.

"You're gunna get scared." Spencer stated, giving me a glance from the corner of her eye.

"Nuh uh."

"Uh, yeah."

I gave Spencer a playful punch and she reciprocated. After a minute our actions had caused us to become closer than necessary. Neither of us pulled away, enjoying the comfort of each other in the dark room with the scary movie playing.

Spencer is proven right when I started to get creeped out early on. It didn't matter that I've seen this movie a million times before. It's still freaky. And I found myself inching closer and closer to Spencer on the couch as time went by.

"Told you." Spencer whispered to me with a slight snort.

"I'm not scared, I'm just preparing." I countered, never being able to tell her I was scared. My words were said from her shoulder, where I was effectively hiding so they were muffled.

Spencer pulled my shirt closer to her and the hand that was tracing shapes on my knee soothed me in only the way that she could. My face turned into her shoulder when something significantly scary happened and without even thinking about it I bit down on her shoulder to stifle my, what would have been, girly scream.

"Oooow." She exaggerated. Her shoulders started to shake a little with laughter, probably at me.

"Shut up Spencer." I said meanly, gripping my hand around her stomach more tightly.

"You are so much more of a baby than everyone thinks." She chuckled, her hand coming to smooth the skin at the back of my neck. I outwardly shivered, there was no way to stop it. Sometimes I thought I put myself in these situations just to be close. Just to have that one moment of her hands on me without feeling guilty or weird. Just to enjoy it. And when I say enjoy, I mean sit in the torture it was to not be able to do anything. It was so cliché, the whole scary movie thing. But life is full of clichés. Clichés are clichés for a reason.

"No." I said weakly. I couldn't form a better, fuller response to her jab with her fingers absentmindedly playing with my hair. I timed it perfectly, so when something creepy happened on screen I groaned slash moaned in real life at her touch, but pretending it was from the movie.

Just because I was head-over-heels didn't mean I wasn't smart.

"Too scary for you?" Spencer asks me with a glint of mischief in her blue eyes.

"Pshh. No." I tell her. Lying just a tad.

"Good." Spencer puts in the DVD and I see her falter for a short second before sitting down. Most people wouldn't have noticed it. But most people haven't been best friends with a person, been intimate with them, and then started over again. Her hesitancy to come sit down next to me makes me frown and I look away. Wanting this moment of weirdness to pass so the comfortableness can come back swiftly. She doesn't sit very close to me. She sits a respectable amount of space away but not so much as to make a big deal.

And I instantly loathe myself for analyzing how far away she's sitting.

"Don't pee your pants Ash." Spencer says to me and I chuckle back.

"I'll try." I say sarcastically.

I take a sip of my beer as the movie starts and slouch down on the couch.

The drifting was inevitable, we all know that. This time, I mean the drifting I did towards Spencer as the movie kept playing and I get increasingly jumpy. I have no idea if Spencer got closer to me as well, but it doesn't matter. And then I get scared and I'm in her lap. I don't remember getting there, but I'm there. Legs on either side of hers, face in her neck.

There is no other contact beside myself on Spencer.

"Is that part over?" I murmur from the crook of her neck, where her shoulder meets her soft neck.

I feel more than I hear Spencer chuckle. I feel her arms come around me and rub my back in slow ministrations. I feel it calm me down and I feel myself just breathe.

"Yeah." Spencer says quietly.

And then I realize that I'm straddling Spencer, on top of her, my face almost touching her skin. I inwardly curse myself for this because it's kind of awkward. But the reaction was a reflex and it couldn't have been stopped even if there were a whole couch between us. A whole anything.

"You, you should probably get off." Spencer says softly to me, but her hands don't leave from around me. They're a constant.

"Oh." I say and bring my face to look at her, away from her neck. It's closer to her own than I thought it would be. "Yeah, I'm sorry." I tell her softly, keeping my eyes on hers. Not daring to move them anywhere else.

We're both breathing heavily, the rise and fall of our chests from each breath is obvious. Spencer's hands are on the small of my back now, tracing the line right above my jeans. My skin is metaphorically on fire when she speaks: "It's okay."

We're just looking at each other and because it is so blatantly obvious that we're going to kiss, we don't yet. We leave it for a minute while I straddle her on my couch. I didn't mean for it to start in a sexual way but that's how it ended up. And I know I should get off of her and save myself any heartbreak that is bound to come from this. But I don't move. It wouldn't feel right to move. She's warm. And soft. And I like it here better than most other places.

"I told you, you were gunna pee your pants." Spencer mumbles as I boldly bring my lips to her forehead. Giving her a soft, affectionate kiss there. My hands comb through her hair and with that action Spencer's pull me closer to her. Impossibly closer.

"I didn't. And you should be glad I didn't." I murmur, my breath on her cheek.

Spencer laughs a little bit. Her fingers slide in the waist of my pants and thumbs massage the, what I hope is, soft skin on my lower back. My eyes close at the sensation, my hard, short breaths still on her blushed and red cheek. My hands fall to her shoulders, gripping the material of her t-shirt more roughly than is needed to.

All of this should be the most painful torture I have ever experienced. But it's not. Because I'm just feeling Spencer and I don't want anything else. Our lips don't have to be connected for me to revel in the sensation that is purely her.

I whimper at the feel of feather-light lips on my jaw. And that is when I feel it. The one, searing hot tear that escapes my stubborn eyes and travels down my face. I don't even have any time to angrily wipe it away before Spencer's face is back in front of mine.

"Hey." She says softly. Her lips come to where the tear is, next to my nose, and she kisses it. That act allows a small sob to come out of me. Because I can't do this. I can't be here with Spencer and not have a clean conscious. Because I want this to happen all the time. Not just times when we're pretending to be best friends again. And I realize that we never, ever can.

I feel too much.

I close my eyes because I can't look at her. I feel stupid and pathetic and so entirely fulfilled all at the same time.

"Ashley." Spencer's voice croaks softly. I feel her kiss my cheek warmly. Lips resting there afterwards.

I open my eyes and am surprised when they're blurry. My tears betraying any type of bravery I thought I was enforcing. "I'm sorry, I can't do this with you Spencer." I say quietly. This friendship.

Spencer's blue eyes are insanely clear and beautiful. "Ash." Is all she says.

I shake my head. "I love you." I finally, finally tell her. "I love you, and I need you, but not just part of you." I say, my eyes down.

Spencer pulls my face up with a hand that was previously on my back, under my shirt. That hand then rests on my chest, over my heart. "I want you Ashley."

And I don't know what exactly that means or if it is what I want, need to hear. But I just nod. And then Spencer kisses my lips softly, almost like she's afraid I'll crack in half any second.

Maybe she is afraid. Maybe we both are.

One small kiss and then my buzzer sounds. I literally jump off of Spencer to go see who it is. Never mind that my heart is racing. Never mind that maybe I was happy for the interruption. Never mind that I can't stop the small tears streaming down my face. I rub my face and take a breath.

"Yeah?" I ask into the intercom.

"Hey it's me." Aiden says.

"Okay." I buzz him up and wait standing at my door. I find it impossible to turn back to Spencer who is still sitting on my couch.

"Hey Ash." Aiden says as he walks through the door. And then a girl follows behind him. She's got red-hair and green eyes and looks really short next to the tall Aiden. "This is Kate."

Kate gives me a smile and I shake her hand. "Hi, nice to meet you, Aiden's said good things about you." I tell her.

"Oh yeah?" She turns to Aiden and gives him a smile. "That's a relief."

I smile a bit. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Oh, we were in the neighborhood and I thought I'd come ask you where that rest- oh, hey Spencer." Aiden interrupts himself and apparently Spencer has gotten up now. Aiden gives me a quizzical look.

"Hey." She says, giving Aiden a smile and Kate the same smile.

"Oh, is this your girlfriend?" Kate asks curiously. Obviously he has some of the facts messed up, from whatever Aiden has told her.

I can't help the snort that comes out of me from the pure irony of her words. Because that was like taking a bullet.

"No." I tell her. "What restaurant, Aid?"

"Oh." He says, tearing his eyes away form Spencer and bringing them back to me. "Um, that really good one in Little Italy."

"Yeah, it's next to the place that we went for drinks with Sean that one time." I tell him, knowing he knows where that is. Because that night he got into a fight with the bar tender and got us thrown out while some girl Aiden was hooking up with stalked us home.

Aiden smiles sheepishly. "Right, thanks."

"It was nice to meet you." Kate says nicely to Spencer and I, taking Aiden's hand.

"You too." We say at the same time.

Aiden and Kate leave, with Aiden giving me a small smile as I close the door behind them.

"Was that his new girlfriend?" Spencer asks me after a moment of silence.

"I guess." I say blandly. Any emotion I was feeling before is gone and now I'm just back to being bitter and sad. "You should probably go now." I tell Spencer, giving her a very small, angry frown.

"No." Spencer says, taking a step towards me.