Title: The Day In The Life....
Author: Ryu-ookami
Rating: Teen
Summary: This is a series of short snapshots in the life of Ryu Shinigami – Warrior Adventurer Extraordinaire
Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright to Guild Wars, although I do own multiple copies of the game, and I make no monetary profit from the creation and distribution of this story.
Notes: This is a parody. Be ready to expect gratuitous violence to occur on a regular basis. I have also, where possible, asked the creators of their characters permission to use their characters. Also, and this is greatly important, a HUGE thank you goes to Shi-koi for beta reading this for me and correcting the huge number of mistakes I often make. :)
CHAPTER TWO
As Ryu slowly walked down the path between the merchants, kicking the lowly groveling Asura out of his way, he saw a flash of rusty red armor and dirty grime-ridden red hair, followed by a shout of "Stop, thief!".
A flash of recognition flashed across his face and he gave chase to the now escaping thief, snatching up a rock as he ran. Ryu saw the thief duck down a small alley, and, rounding the corner, he threw the rock with 1/10 of his normal strength, catching the thief just behind her left ear, felling her almost instantly.
Ryu walked over to the pitiful looking specimen of an excuse for a human being, barely recognising the warrior he had once know as Naru Skiveheart. He looked closer beneath the rusted armor, dirt and human excrement that Naru now lay in and saw the item that the miserable excuse of a misbegotten thief had dropped.
There laying in the dirt was a half rotten cloth covering what might have at one time been a dagger. Naru quickly grabbed the item, bringing it to her chest, attempting hide it whilst her wildly darting eyes frantically looked for a way of escape. Seeing none, she started to attempt to plead, "No! Please it's my own, it's my precious, my precious!", she wailed.
Ryu, in a moment that seemed like weakness, and totally out of character for him, threw a half dozen gold coins to the floor. Looking down he growled out, "Get yourself cleaned up and meet me at the the armorer on the Sun Docks, unless you just want to lie there and die like some sort of Asura...and get a bath, you stink.".
Turning, he strode off, not giving the worthless illustration of humanity's dregs behind him a second glance, brushing past the common riff-raff who had watched the entire episode from the mouth of the alley without a word, he stalked onward, making the women swoon with desire and causing the men to be jealous that they as mere pathetic mortals could not hope to achieve the godlike aura that he unconsciously projected as he strode by.
A few days earlier...
Ryu considered the envoy from the Grand court of Sebelkeh with a sneer. He hated the Vabbians with a vengeance, what with their, 'Oh look, my tiles are more blue than your tiles!' attitude. Ryu wasn't too sure why blue tiles were important, but according to the toady in front of him they were.
This particular Vabbian apparently wanted to hire Ryu AND a party of other so called lesser heroes to go and get a painting that had been stolen from one of the local Vabbi Princes. The painting, called 'Blue Tile by Moonlight' was worth beyond compare and the reward being offered to the party reflected that.
Unfortunately, the simpering sycophant had done his homework and had a list of so called heroes that Ryu just had to have in the party. However, the payment for the party was a different matter. They had been discussing these back and forth, mainly because the envoy was trying to insist that a new blue set of robes should be deducted from the price as Ripper had taken one look at the envoy and decided that, seeing as Ryu was having lunch, that so could he, and the mass of robes that the envoy had been wearing had been the only thing to save his ankles from destruction.
Although Ryu eventually managed to get the envoy to sit on the table for the entirety of the meeting Ripper still kept glaring and licking his lips every time the envoy made a move to put his feet back on the floor.
All in all this put the envoy at a distinct disadvantage and he was determined to make someone pay, hence the current discussion. Normally Ryu would have just beheaded him and waited for the next envoy, but his sword was down at the blacksmiths having a few nicks taken out of it that had occurred when he had been drunk and had decided that the local sleeping Gray Giant should be woken up and made into an awake Gray Dwarf.
Ryu looked at the parchment in his hand again and read it once more. Unfortunately he knew everyone on the list, and a bigger collection of oddballs and misfits he couldn't imagine being thrown together.
The party apparently was to consist of:
Naru Skiveheart – A Warrior who had it seemed had fallen on hard times, not having two gold pieces to rub together. There were some who claimed that Skiveheart had never existed as she was seen less frequently than Abaddon himself and even the she was normally only seen when free drinks were available as she was also known to be a raging alcoholic.
She-man 'I like Pink Armor' Monk – A Monk who indulged in very strange sexual practices and who also insisted that everyone had a nicer side. Monk had tried to find Ryu's nicer side once but as Ryu's idea of being helpful consisted of chopping someone's head off if they had a headache Monk had never actually been able to find it, though occasionally he did try and start looking again.
Hitomi 'I have very many leather bound books' Kyoko – An Elementalist who seemed intent on retiring one day and opening a library. However, since most of his leather bound books were actually drawings of the strange sexual practices that his brother practiced, Ryu couldn't ever actually see it happening.
Lysiss Elysian - An Elementalist that Ryu had met before. As an elementalist she was adequate he supposed, but her being in the party would cause problems as she routinely had her mini-pet with her and where as Ripper was mean, tough and capable of fighting anyone and anything he decided looked like his next meal, her mini-pet (that she had named Whippy the Whiptail Devourer) was rather effeminate, squealed at the mere mention of blood and had been known to faint when it was suggested that he actually had to fight.
Although Ryu know that Lysiss would deny all of this.
The last time he had seen Lysiss she had been in the process of being arrested by the city for lewd and obscene behaviour, which had mainly consisted of her dancing in the middle of the towns market place wearing nothing but her underwear screaming at the top of her lungs that she had just had an evilgasm whilst she did so.
Turning the parchment list over he continued to read:
Kathulet Valkynaz – A warrior whose main claim to fame was that he had once stolen a pair of magic panties before spending 6 months running from town to outpost to town and back again wearing them on his head whilst screaming, "I have the magic panties!". Unfortunately the only effect the magic panties contained was an anti-theft charm that made any one within ten feet of him start screaming at him to, "Stop! Thief! Give back the magic panties!", whilst chasing him. Luckily, the charm normally only had a five minute effect on anyone before thankfully wearing off.
The list then just stopped, Ryu looked over at the envoy and raised his eyebrow beneath his helmet - which he never removed for reasons that shall possibly be explained at a later date.
The envoy looked at Ryu with a smirk on his face before commenting, "We thought that you would like some freedom in choosing the rest of the party.".
Ryu considered the envoy and then studied the spoon in his hand. Yes, technically he could decapitate the man with the spoon, but it would be awfully messy. More importantly, it would take more effort than Ryu could be bothered with at the moment.
The envoy looked again at Ryu."So, do we have an agreement?" he asked with a smile on his face.
Ryu just nodded and picked up the bags of gold that were laying on the table and started to walk out of the room, he paused just outside the room as he heard the screams of the envoy.
"Aargh! No! My ankles! Aargh! Get him off! Aargh!" Ryu smiled as he considered the gold in the sacks again. It looked like Ripper had saved him the gold required to get Ripper's lunch. Still smiling to himself Ryu walked off to get his own lunch, knowing that Ripper would soon follow, if the now silent screams and the slurping sounds coming from the room behind him was anything to go by.
TBC : Coming here soon - The Hunting of the Misfits!