Revelations
By MySoapBox
Chapter 7: Who are you now?
Sarah looked at her watch. "We have to go if we are going to make our reservation."
"I guess you're right," Chuck said, reluctantly pulling his arm from Sarah's shoulders.
Chuck had sensed her sadness as she told the story of their fight and though he knew that they had talked out every side of the arguments years ago, he wished that there was something he could do to take away the old pain. While he watched Sarah fish for the car keys in her purse, he anticipated the end of the evening, when he could share some alone time with her. One thing he had learned after all these years was that it was far better to show Sarah how he felt about her, than drowning her in all his babbling.
Charlie held up his hands. "Hey, before we go, I'm dying to know, Dad, what happened to you?"
"I met some agents at the airport and I had no idea where I would be going. And you know what? It didn't really matter. I felt pretty confident that I had cut a good deal with the new CIA Director. I also contacted an old friend at the NSA who assured me they were holding up the deal on their end. Honestly, I didn't care where I went and what they did with me, just as long as you and your mom were safe."
"Were you like a prisoner or something? Somehow I can't imagine you in one of those orange jumpsuits."
Chuck laughed. "No, they were very professional. While they kept an eye on me, restricted where I could go and what not, once I got back to the States and started in my new job, they treated me pretty decent."
Charlie seemed to accept that and he turned his eyes to Sarah. "So what did you do, Mom, after you found out what dad did?"
"Honestly? My first instinct was to run. Take you and run far away where no one would ever find us. But when I cooled down and thought it through, I realized that I couldn't."
"Why not?" Charlie asked.
"Well, first of all, how could I make a living? I couldn't trust anyone to care for you while I was working. And second, and more importantly, as mad as I was at your father, I knew if we ran, that would be the end of it; we'd never see him again. But if we used the tickets, even if the government did take us and hold us hostage somewhere, at least there would be that small chance that we'd get to see your father again."
Sarah was still feeling a little shaken from the memories. It was amazing how you could put something behind you, go on living your happy life, and then without warning all those feelings could come welling back up again.
Wanting to get some fresh air before she continued, she stood. "Why don't we all walk down to the car, and I'll tell you about it on the way?"
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The cab dropped Sarah and Charlie off at the curb of a very nice suburban home in a suburb of LA. A two story house with two garages sat behind a well manicured lawn, a picture-perfect home for a pair of up-and-coming doctors. She checked the address one more time against the one scribbled on the back of the letter Chuck had left her. This was it. Sarah looked up the sidewalk; similarly nice homes lined the street in both directions. It felt so foreign to the life she had been living for the past three years. She had forgotten that people lived like this; after the poverty that she had seen and experienced, it seemed almost surreal to her. Although, there was a distant memory of she and Chuck sharing a house just like this on once on a mission. They had spent a wonderful morning pretending to have the perfect life. She shook her head. But that was just cover, and now, even staying in the perfect house, life would never be perfect because Chuck would not be there to share it with her.
She thought back to the morning after the messenger had delivered the envelope from Chuck. She had packed up their meager belongings for the evening flight to L.A., fitting it all into two bags and leaving the rest. She sold the little hatchback they had been driving for four hundred Bolivers, the local currency, and with that money she bought new clothes for herself and Charlie. For a special treat they ate lunch at a little restaurant not far from their apartment. Charlie loved arepas with jam and Sarah knew they probably wouldn't have another opportunity to eat authentic Venezuelan food for a long time, if ever. In the evening Sarah called the cab to take them to the airport. Before leaving the apartment that had been their home for the past six weeks, she stood in front of the mirror. "Who are you?" she asked the stranger she saw looking back at her. If she was not CIA and not Chuck's protector, what then was she?
She picked up their bags and took little Charlie by the hand. As she felt his warm skin and saw his trusting eyes, she knew one thing for certain: she was Charlie's mother. She drew strength from that thought alone all the way to LAX.
Now, standing in front of this grand house, Sarah's heart beat against her chest like a caged bird. She had known it would be an adjustment. But up until that moment she had only thought of the adjustment of being without Chuck and the change it would be for Charlie to be without his father; she hadn't considered the challenge she faced adjusting to 'normal' American life.
Charlie must have sensed her nervousness because he clutched her hand tightly as he looked up into her face, and then up to the strange house. "Cielo?" he asked her, pointing to the large dwelling.
Sarah pushed back her frustration. She had to make this transition as easy as possible for her little son. She squeezed his hand and smiled down at him. "Remember Charlie, we have to speak our English words now." He smiled and nodded back but Sarah wondered if he really understood what she meant. He had always spoken a mixture of Spanish and English; she doubted he knew which was which.
"And no honey," she said, ruffling his white blond hair, "this isn't heaven; it's your Aunt Ellie's and Uncle Devon's house. You remember; I told you about them." The little boy bobbed his head, his eyes wide and nervous. Sarah knelt down next to him. "Hey, don't worry, Aunt Ellie and Uncle Devon will love you, you'll see."
Sarah believed every word she had just said to her son. Ellie and Devon would love him, she was sure of that. But what would they think of her after all these years? Would they blame her for Chuck leaving? Would they guess how much of the fault rested on her own shoulders for what had happened to him? After all the years of lying to them, would they believe her now? She took comfort in the fact that they would take her in regardless, for Charlie's sake.
Sarah took a deep breath and picked up one of their bags. Leaving their other bag and Charlie's car seat on the curb, she and Charlie approached the front door. Summoning her courage, she only hesitated a second before ringing the bell.
A series of thumps and squeals came from the house. After a moment the door lock clicked and the door swung open. Ellie, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, had a look of confusion on her face as she regarded her visitors.
A little boy with sandy blond hair bounced up and down behind her. "Who are they, Mom?" he asked in an eager voice.
But Ellie did not respond; her face changed from confusion to disbelief. Her hand flew to her mouth as recognition set in.
Ellie had always had an appraising eye and Sarah was suddenly self conscious about how they must look; two beggars standing at the door with their bags. In Ellie's critical eye, she stood to be judged. She was sure that she looked nothing like the Sarah that Ellie thought she knew; she felt nothing like that Sarah. The Sarah Ellie knew was a myth.
"Sarah?" Ellie questioned.
"Hi, Ellie," Sarah said shyly.
"Oh my! Sarah!" Ellie rushed forward and pulled Sarah into an embrace. Her hug felt unconditional and accepting and after a few seconds of reserved stiffness, Sarah melted into Ellie's warmth. After several moments, Ellie pulled away, and Sarah saw tears falling down the other woman's cheeks. As she looked into her face, Sarah saw in Ellie's eyes the comforting echoes of the man she loved.
"Sarah, is that really you? And this…" her eyes turned down to the little boy clutching Sarah's leg tightly. "Is this your son?"
Sarah reached down and picked up Charlie. "Charlie," she said, "meet your Aunt Ellie. Ellie, this is Charles John Bartowski."
"Thank heavens, you're alive!" Ellie reached out to take the little boy but he turned his head nervously into her mother's neck. Ellie, seeing the child's nervousness, instead reached out her hand and taking his small one between her finger and thumb, shook it cordially. "Nice to meet you, Charlie."
Charlie turned his face shyly towards her.
"He has Chuck's smile," Ellie said excitedly, "and your eyes!" Tears continued to fall freely down Ellie's face. "For all this time, we didn't know," she sniffled.
"Mommy!" the sandy haired boy whined, yanking on the back of Ellie's shirt.
"Oh," Ellie said, wiping her cheeks. "This is D.J.; he's almost four. D.J.," she said turning around to the boy, "say hello to your cousin, Charlie."
"Hey'ya Charlie!" D.J. said. "You wanna play in my room?"
Sarah looked down at Charlie, who was still clinging tightly to her. "Do you want to play with D.J.?" she asked. He nodded his head. "Okay, go ahead." She put the boy down but he grabbed her around the leg. "It's okay honey, D.J. is your cousin. He wants to play with you. Don't you want to play?"
Charlie nodded again and timidly let go.
"All right!" D.J whooped and ran up the stairs, beckoning to Charlie. With one last look back and an encouraging nod from his mom, Charlie followed him up the stairs.
Ellie looked anxiously past Sarah out to the road. "Where's my brother? Isn't he with you?" Sarah couldn't speak; she just shook her head sadly. "But you two were together when your baby was born; I talked to him," Ellie said.
"We were together until a few days ago," Sarah managed to answer.
Ellie must have seen the distress on Sarah's face because she hugged Sarah once more. "Sarah, is he… ?" she asked, unable to say the words.
Sarah squeezed Ellie's shoulders. "Don't worry, he's fine. He just… He couldn't come with us, that's all."
"You two have been gone for three years Sarah. Where have you been? I got a note from Chuck saying that he was in some sort of trouble and not to worry. But Sarah, my brother just disappears off the face of the earth! How am I supposed to not worry?"
"He left you a note?"
"Yes, the night you guys disappeared. And then the Buy More started to call and Morgan. I didn't know anything. The police came and then men in suits. It was the men in suits that made me think that you guys must be in some real trouble. I kept expecting to get a phone call or a post card or something! But I didn't hear anything for almost a year until Chuck called early that morning. And even then he didn't tell me anything."
"I know," Sarah said, "It must have been terrible for you…"
"Terrible?! Sarah, you were delivering a baby, my brother's baby, and I didn't know if you were alive or dead! And then more men came by the house. Sarah, I swear they were watching us night and day." Ellie started to cry in earnest.
Sarah put her hands on Ellie shoulders. "Ellie, Ellie, it's okay." She pulled Ellie into a hug. "We're okay. We're all okay. We're here now."
Ellie sniffled. "But why did you have to go, Sarah? And where have you been all these years? Ellie pulled back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
Sarah took a deep breath and said, "Ellie, we have a lot of things to talk about. I promise I will tell you as much as I can, but we've been on a plane all night…"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you must be exhausted," She stepped back and swung the door open. "Please, come in; make yourself at home."
After carrying in her things, washing up and checking on the boys, Sarah joined Ellie in the kitchen. Sarah remembered that Ellie liked to cook when she was anxious.
Ellie was just pushing a tray into the oven. "I hope you're not going out of your way for me," Sarah said.
"It's no problem," Ellie answered, closing the oven door. "I had some cookie dough in the freezer and I thought we could both use a little chocolate."
Sarah smiled at that and took comfort in the fact that Ellie was trying to take care of her.
Ellie leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Listen, you look like you've had a long day. We have plenty of room here. If you want to get settled in the basement and take a nap for awhile, I'll keep an eye on Charlie."
"Do I really look that bad?" Sarah asked, sincerely wanting an honest answer.
"Listen, I have two kids, I totally know how exhausting traveling with kids can be," Ellie said.
"Two?" Sarah said, surprised.
"You haven't met Ethan, our one year old. He's taking a nap."
"Wow, you do have your hands full," Sarah said, "and thanks for the offer. I haven't slept for over 24 hours; I really could use the rest."
"It's no problem. But promise me, Sarah," Ellie got an intense look in her eyes, "that when you wake up, you will tell me everything you can about my brother."
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"So what could you tell her? Not much, I bet." Charlie said.
"Well, I wanted to be as honest as I could with Ellie. Honesty goes a long way with Bartowskis. So I told her as much as I thought was safe for her to know. When she asked for more details, I told her that I couldn't give them."
Charlie grinned. "Oh, I bet that ticked her off. I know how Aunt Ellie likes to know everyone's business."
"Hey," Chuck said. "Don't knock Ellie; she just likes to take care of the people she loves, that's all."
"Don't get me wrong, Dad," Charlie said. "I love Aunt Ellie. It was because of her and Uncle Devon that I majored in pre-med. But you have to admit, she can be a busy body sometimes."
"I, for one, will always be grateful for Ellie's nurturing." Sarah emphasized the last word. "I owe her more than I can ever repay. She and Devon took us in when we had no where else to go. They gave us a home – the first real home you ever had, Charlie. And she was there for me when I really needed someone."
"So we lived with D.J. and Ethan for awhile?" Charlie mused. "I don't remember that."
"I'm glad," Sarah said. "It was a dark time for me. It's good that you don't remember me like that."
"How so?" Charlie asked.
"Your mom…she sorta went through…what you might call a bout of depression," Chuck said.
"That's putting it mildly," Sarah supplied.
The car pulled up to the restaurant, so the conversation stopped while they walked in and were seated. An extra twenty dollars got them a quiet table away from other diners.
After they ordered, Charlie leaned across the table and looked at Sarah; she could see the concern in his eyes. "You know, I remember how homesick I got when I first moved away from home. And I'm sure that was nothing compared to what you went through," he said supportively.
"It was hard for me," Sarah admitted. "Your Aunt Ellie had kept all of your father's things. And after we showed up, she and Devon moved them into their empty basement and set up an apartment for us. I think she thought having all those reminders of your father's around would bring me comfort - and in some ways it did. But it was hard waking up every morning in your father's bed, being surrounded by all his stuff. Even the boxes of clothes smelled like him."
Sarah paused and sipped her drink. "I couldn't see past my own grief to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. So Ellie took over a lot of that, too. I owe her so much."
"So what did you do?"
"I couldn't get a job; I didn't have any ID - though that was probably just an excuse. It was hard enough to wake up each morning and breathe in and out. I'd wear your father's old shirts and watch all his DVD's. Somewhere in my mind I thought if I could learn to love all the things your dad loved that it would bring me closer to him somehow."
"You know your Aunt Ellie," Chuck added. "She tried to help your mom adjust, to get her to join some mother's groups, that sort of thing. But stubborn as your mom can be, she would have none of it."
"And did you hear from dad? Were you two able to talk to each other?" he asked both of them.
"Part of the deal I had with the CIA was that I wouldn't start working for them until I could verify that your mom and you were safely at Ellie's. So the CIA set up a camera on the light pole outside of Ellie's house. As long as I saw you and your mom coming and going freely and everything looked okay, I would do everything they asked," Chuck said.
"But I didn't get the advantage of seeing your father on a monitor. It was three months before I got word that he was okay. Even then, I didn't know where he was or what exactly he was doing."
"Three months! I hate it when I don't get to talk to you guys for a couple of weeks," Charlie said as he swirled the ice in his cup.
"And when I did finally hear news about your father, it came from a very surprising source…."
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Sarah was working her way through the third season of Battlestar Galactica when the two boys ran through the basement family room. They whooped as they 'rode' stick horses and 'shot' one another with their fingers bent into guns.
"Bang Bang!" yelled D.J. "I got ya, Charlie!"
"Did not!" Charlie protested.
"Did too!" D.J. yelled back.
"Mom!" Charlie whined.
Sarah put up her hand to silence him. "I don't want to hear it."
"But Mah-hom!"
"Charlie, either play nice with D.J. or I'll put you down for a nap," Sarah snapped.
Both boys trudged up the stairs, stick steeds in hand. "Your mom is always so grumpy," D.J. muttered.
Sarah overheard, of course, and the truth of the child's words stung. She was always grumpy, but she couldn't help it. How could anyone find happiness after what she had been through? It was better not to think about it. She turned her attention back to the screen.
Ellie poked her head around the corner. "Sarah? I hope you're decent. You have a visitor."
Sarah picked up the remote and clicked off the TV. A visitor? Who would visit her? Who even knew she was here?
Ellie disappeared and a large man in a suit rounded the corner from the stairs. "Walker!" he called out.
Sarah stood. "John?" she breathed. He strode to where she stood and swept her up into a bear hug.
"Dammit, Walker," he growled in her ear. "I never thought I'd see you again."
She broke the embrace and slugged him playfully on the chest. "Don't ever count me out, Casey."
The corners of his lips turn up slightly as he looked her over. Sarah squirmed beneath his scrutinizing eye.
"You look like hell, Walker."
"Yeah, well, that's about right then." She gestured for him to take a seat.
"I would have come sooner but I've been... busy at work."
Sarah nodded.
"But don't think I've been sleeping at my post. I've been keeping tabs on you ever since your 'reappearance'."
"Nice to know that people care enough to keep an eye on me," Sarah said sarcastically.
Casey grunted. "Well, you know how it is."
"Yeah. I know."
"'Brought something that might cheer you up." He reached into his satchel and pulled out a legal sized envelope and tossed it to her.
She looked down at it confused. "What is this?" She opened the envelope and pulled out a file folder that contained birth certificates for her and Charlie, Social Security cards, a California driver's license, and a college diploma in the name "Sarah Walker."
"There's more," Casey said, pointing. Sarah reached back in and pulled out a piece of parchment. She couldn't disguise the surprise that splashed across her face. It was a marriage license.
"Congratulations, Mrs. Bartowski," Casey smirked. "You have your life back."
Sarah was stunned. "How is this possible?" she asked.
"Don't go gettin' all misty on me just yet. I saved the best for last." Casey reached into his inner suit pocket, pulled out a small white envelope, and handed it to Sarah.
The flap was stamped with the Official Seal of the President of the United States. She pulled out the letter and read it to herself.
"I've been discharged from the CIA," she mumbled. Glancing up at Casey with a wry smile, she said, "No surprise there. And… oh my…" she said in disbelief. "I've… I've been granted a full pardon?" she asked, amazed.
"Don't get so excited," Casey said sarcastically.
Storm clouds gathered in her eyes. "I don't want this…" she spat. She could feel her eyes starting to fill and angrily wiped the tears away. "Chuck's blood is all over these documents." She dropped the letter like it was poison. "My God, what has he done!"
Casey shook his head. "What the hell are you talking about, Walker?"
"Don't you get it? Chuck sold himself for me. I can't take these," she said shoving all the papers back into the envelope and pushing them towards Casey.
He frowned and shook his head. "You're a sorry piece of work. You know that?"
Sarah looked up at him in disbelief. "Excuse me?"
"Chuck gave up everything for you and you just spit on it."
"No, Casey. It's the other way around. I gave up everything to save him. And then he went and threw it away."
"Oh come off it, Walker. Don't try and tell me you went AWOL for Chuck. I know you, too well," he said accusingly, "You did it for you." His finger accented the last two words.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I watched you two dance around each other for three years. You nearly killed him with all your, 'We can't. It wouldn't be professional,' while you sent him all kinds of mixed messages. And I was the one who had to listen to him whining and moaning night after night." Sarah stared at him opened mouthed. "Then, when Chuck's life was in danger, it was you that couldn't live without him. It was your idea to run. Took the poor schmuck by the nose and dragged him all over the damn world." He shook his head in disgust. "You thought I didn't hear the whole thing?" he smirked. "And now that he finally manned up and stood up for himself, and for you and your kid, you're back to singing the same old song, thinking only about yourself."
Sarah gaped at Casey. She tried to stammer out a rebuttal, but anger choked back her words.
"Don't believe me?" Casey smirked. "You gave up your life for him. You said so yourself. Why is it okay for you, but not the other way around?"
"I…I…" Sarah struggled for the words. "Dammit Casey, It was my job to protect him. He trusted me. My job! It wasn't his job to go and save me."
"Wasn't his job? Sarah, he was in love with you. That's what people in love do."
Sarah covered her face with her hands in defeat. "It's just so hard, Casey."
He grunted. "The Sarah Walker I knew, never gave up when things got hard."
Casey got up and walked across the room. He pulled back the curtains with a flourish. Sunlight poured into the basement room for the first time in weeks. Sarah squinted and turned from the light.
"Now, if you really love Chuck, you'll get off your butt and start building that 'perfect' life you were always talking about. That way, when he comes home, he'll actually have somewhere to come home to."
"Do you really think he'll actually come back? That they'll let him go?" she asked bitterly.
"If there's one thing I learned from three years of babysitting the geek…er…your husband, it's to never count him out." Casey walked over and picked up his satchel. "Now, I'll be in LA for a week. Tomorrow I'm going to come back here, and I'm going to give my namesake this..." He pulled a miniature NFL football out of his bag, "and I'm going to teach him how to throw it. And when that's done, you and I are going to sit down and make some plans about getting you a job and a place of your own." He looked her full in the face with his piercing blue eyes. "You got it, Walker?"
Sarah looked away to hide her face. Adopting that emotionless mask she had once been expert at wasn't so easy these days, but she did her best.
Casey headed for the stairs but stopped and turned. "Oh, and one more thing. I have a message from Bartowski."
Sarah's eyes lit up. "You've seen him? Is he okay?"
Casey nodded. "He says…" Casey cleared his throat uncomfortably. "He says that he still means everything he said at the fountain and… um… he hopes that someday you'll forgive him."
Sarah absorbed the message hungrily. "Anything else? Is there a way I can contact him?"
Casey shifted. "I've…uh…asked for an assignment in D.C. so I can keep an eye on the little twerp. Once I get settled I'll see if there's a way for you to write to him or something, but don't get your hopes up."
And without looking back, Casey swept from the room, leaving Sarah feeling like she had just been run over by a Mac truck.
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I don't think I say how much I appreciate the good people I've met here at FF. I've exchanged PMs with lots of you readers and I've enjoyed it very much. If you have a question feel free to PM me, or leave your question in a review and I promise to get back with you. I haven't met a writer here yet that doesn't love to talk about their writing.
Thinking of great people, my hat goes off to Sharpasamarble who again has given me valuable feedback and direction on this chapter. As well as Timewalker who is often my sounding board and who helped again with "crackling" dialogue. I highly recommend both these writer's works to you – especially if you like action and adventure.
Note: Did you know that Sarah Walker went to college? It's true. If you read through the Spy Dossiers on NBC's website you'll see that Sarah was recruited out of Harvard!