Disclaimer: © 2009 Mundungus42. All rights reserved. This work may not be archived, reproduced, or distributed in any format without prior written permission from the author. This is an amateur non-profit work, and is not intended to infringe on copyrights held by JKR or any other lawful holder. Permission may be obtained by e-mailing the author at mundungus42 at yahoo dot com

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over the next few days, Hermione was reminded why people who longed for their glory days at Hogwarts were either forgetful or extremely stupid. As Neville's new "love interest," her research in the library was constantly being disrupted by gigglers and gawkers, all of whom whispered loudly enough to be heard two rooms away, much less two shelves of books.

In spite of the interruptions, she was making excellent progress on the hidden gardens. The forty-odd editions of Hogwarts, a History and its even more numerous, less successful spin-offs, like Hogwarts and the Historical Romances it Inspired and Everything I Need To Know in Life I Learned at Hogwarts, contained numerous references to gardens that grew everything from potatoes to tropical potions ingredients.

The only project that wasn't going well was her work on Severus's Unbreakable Vow. She had stared at the spell's histogram until her eyes were crossed, but nothing new had occurred to her. She had hoped to talk to Severus, but she hadn't seen him since their meeting in Hogsmeade. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised that a man with encyclopedic knowledge of the Aperterium was difficult to find, but she was surprised that he hadn't shown up at her door insisting on being taught to use the Mag-Spec. It was almost as if he were sulking.

She didn't allow her annoyance with him to interfere with her work, so by the time the curious students left for supper, she had collected no less than ninety-three separate citations, several of which gave fairly detailed information about the locations of the gardens. Satisfied that she'd done good work for the day, she began to collect the volumes she'd examined.

"Why, Miss Granger," came a familiar sneer from behind her. "What a surprise to find you without your toy in tow."

Hermione turned to face her interlocutor with a bemused expression on her face. "You're not still angry that I made you say 'please,' are you?"

"Longbottom is as bent as the Burrow's chimney," Severus retorted, scowling. "What are you playing at?"

"I'm not playing at anything, I'm attempting to fulfill my obligations. Now, you're not going to run away again, are you?"

"Since it seems that you can't be left alone without causing a major scandal, no."

Hermione checked over her shoulder for stragglers and lowered her voice. "Neville doesn't want Molly to know he fancies men, and I'm a convenient cover."

"And what are you getting out of this?"

"Besides the obvious advantage of giving us both an unassailable reason to go to Madam Puddifoot's establishment on a regular basis? It's also rather fun, except for the giggling schoolgirls who follow me, as if Neville would show up at any moment and ravish me across my research."

"So you're determined to keep up this charade?"

"Well, the only other person who's expressed an interest in ravishing me lately admitted that it was a terrible lie, so I see no reason not to. Do you foresee it causing a problem?"

He blinked uncomprehendingly at her before narrowing his gaze. "This may be a game for you, Granger, but it isn't for me. My liberty is at stake, and if you can't be bothered to take it seriously, then you needn't bother helping."

She was surprised by his vehemence. "I can only do so many things at a time, Severus," she retorted. "And when you waste time avoiding me rather than providing the samples of compulsive magic you owe me, you have only yourself to blame for the delay."

He glared at her. "Someone had to pay attention to your tattered reputation, since you clearly can't be bothered."

"If I lost sleep worrying what people thought of me, I'd never accomplish anything," said Hermione. "A single woman in a situation where there are eligible men is always a curiosity, particularly amongst people who have nothing more exciting in their lives to think about. At least this way, Neville and I can keep the rumors about us under control."

Severus snorted. "Under control? This morning, I overheard Miss Pringleton of Hufflepuff telling Miss York of Gryffindor that you are trifling with Longbottom because you're trying to hide that you're bearing Arthur Weasley's love child."

Hermione nearly dropped the stack of books that she was adding to the reshelving cart. "What?"

"Had you not heard?" asked Severus silkily. "My personal favorite rumor is that you worked your way down to Longbottom after going through all the male Ministry department heads and married staff members. Filch is supposedly next on your list," he added with relish.

Hermione began to laugh. "You're making this up."

"I'm afraid not. You see, the best way to keep people from speculating about your love interests is not to make a public show with a favorite teacher whose wizard-fancying proclivities are widely rumored. It only makes people think you're trying to hide something. No, my dear, the best way avoid rumors about your sex life is to make people believe you have none."

"It doesn't really matter. The rumors will die out in time, provided I don't get any rounder in the middle, have lovers' tiffs in the Great Hall, or get caught snogging in a closet. Now, if you're done avoiding me for the sake of my honor, I'd really like to talk to you. This way," she said, gesturing toward the back wall of the library, where she pulled forward a bust of Agrippa to reveal a long, narrow room filled with racks of ancient weapons. "I found this room earlier today. We'll be able to speak freely here."

She gestured for him to sit at a small table in the corner, and she pulled out her notebook and a quill.

"I'm running into problems with the vow's histogram for two reasons. Firstly, I haven't studied any types of compulsive magic, so I don't have any histograms for comparison. Secondly, I don't know exactly what the spell does to someone under its influence. I think you can help me with both problems."

"I've already offered my help with the first, and I don't know what you expect me to do about the second," said Severus, crossing his arms.

"I'd like you to tell me exactly what it's like being under an Unbreakable Vow."

"I daresay you know the basics," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Three people are involved: the initiator, the vower, and the Bonder. The initiator of the vow recites the terms, the vower agrees to them, and the Bonder serves to witness the vow and provides the magic that seals the vow. The Bonder's magical contribution is the reason that an Unbreakable Vow remains in effect even if both the initiator and the Bonder are killed."

"That explains why Molly and Percy are still alive."

An infinitesimal smirk curled the corner of his mouth. "I've considered killing them for the pleasure of it."

"Heaven only knows who they'd make headmaster after that," sighed Hermione. "Now, I know that this isn't the first time you've been under an Unbreakable Vow. Does it feel any different now that you're also under the Fidelius Charm?"

"No. I've never been able to feel the influence of the Fidelius Charm. You said that the Mag-Spec indicated that it's a spell without a locus, which is likely the reason I don't notice it. The Unbreakable Vow is as unpleasant as it ever was."

"Really? How does it feel?"

"It is… always present," he said thoughtfully. "It's not as all-controlling as being under the Imperius Curse, but it's all the more difficult to fight because of it. It's always there in the background of your thoughts. Activity and focus can make you less aware of it, even to the point of forgetting about it for a time, but the minute you near any of the vow's strictures, it's as if there's a hand at your throat that squeezes until you have no voice."

"That's how it kills you?" asked Hermione, horrified and fascinated.

"No, that's how it warns you. For vows contingent upon specific activities, there can be no warning. Once the opportunity to fulfill the vow has passed, either the vower is alive or the vower is dead. I once saw a man fail to fulfill an Unbreakable Vow, and his death was immediate, though it seemed to be painless, rather like the Killing Curse. However, since none of the Unbreakable Vows I've taken have resulted in my death, I cannot verify this with absolute certainty."

"Thank goodness for that," said Hermione, suppressing a shudder. "How do you know when the vow has been fulfilled?"

"It is unmistakable. It's the difference between winter and summer. It's as if the vow whispers to you whenever your mind isn't otherwise occupied."

"So you can tell me the precise wording of the vow that you made to Molly?"

"The vow never lets me forget." He narrowed his eyes and said in a mocking voice, "I, Severus Snape, do solemnly swear to fill the position of Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry until such a time as a new instructor is hired to replace me, in exchange for room, board, and reasonable incidental expenses.

"While serving as Potions Master at Hogwarts, I consent to having my presence hidden beneath the Fidelius Charm."

Hermione frowned. "Is that all? What about the clause that prevents you from helping me help you out of it?"

"The clause isn't in the vow," he said grudgingly. "It's in the job description of 'Potions Master' that Molly wrote up beforehand specifically for me."

Hermione's jaw worked wordlessly for a moment, torn between admiration of Molly's cunning and abhorrence of the treatment she'd given Severus.

"And now you understand the importance of reading the fine print on any vow. I didn't even know that there was a job description until I had the temerity to ask for a pay rise after teaching for six months. She never even showed me the damned thing. I broke into her office once and read it, but until I did that, everything I knew came either from Molly's infernal gloating or that ever-present hand at my throat."

"I cannot believe the unmitigated gall of the woman treating you this way! It's unconscionable! It's criminal! If I weren't already actively opposing her, I'd—"

He cut her off with a dismissive gesture wave of his hand. "I've had eight years to foam at the mouth over it. Now, I sit ready to answer your other questions in order to find a way out of the situation, unless you'd rather rant uselessly for a few minutes?"

Hermione shut her mouth and cleared her throat. "Well, I've certainly never heard of an Unbreakable Vow being tied to a document before. That could be a weakness. Was there anything unusual about the document when you saw it?"

"I see where this is heading, Miss Granger, and yes, when I broke into the headmistress's office, I found the offending document and reduced it to ashes, which I then Vanished. However, the vow still remains in effect."

Hermione tried not to let her disappointment show. "Let's get back to the Imperius Curse. You mentioned that the compulsion you feel from the Unbreakable Vow is different from it. Are they similar in any way?"

Severus thought for a moment. "When they're first cast, it's the difference between being asked nicely, or perhaps even bribed to do something, and being constantly nagged to do something. However, if you try to resist the Imperius or do something that the vow forbids, both will forcibly take control of your body."

The tip of Hermione's quill was moving in a blur over her notebook. "Is the forcible control anything like what it's like to be under Veritaserum?"

He sighed impatiently. "I have tried the antidote to Veritaserum to gauge its effect on the vow. I wasn't able to speak for nearly a week afterward, so you might say it was an unsuccessful test."

"What else have you tried?"

"Everything short of killing them."

"Protection Potion?"

"Of course."

"Felix Felicis?"

"Lucky days are relative, especially when one is also under the Fidelius Charm."

"Have you tried dosing Molly with Amortentia?"

Severus glared at her. "When I said I'd tried everything, I did, in fact, mean everything. I've been working on this problem for eight years, so I think it's fair to say that unless the solution involves that contraption of yours, I've exhausted every option."

"Is there anything that you weren't able to try because of the strictures Molly placed against actively opposing the vow?"

"Apart from killing people, which isn't an option I ever seriously contemplated, mind, all the vow prevents me doing is knowingly asking others for help. However, the Fidelius prevented that more effectively than the vow ever did, until your arrival, at least. Naturally, there was a clause in the job description that was meant to prevent me from working to break the vow, but Occlumency makes it possible to convince the vow that I'm working on something other than breaking it."

"So if I said that I were going to cast a charm on you that would allow you to resist the Imperius Curse, you'd let me, but you'd have to fight me if it were in the forefront of your mind that the charm would temporarily release you from the Unbreakable Vow."

"If there were such a charm, yes, that's how it would work. Creating charms that might work against—" he raised his hand to his neck and cleared his throat "—compulsive magic has been complicated, but hardly impossible."

"But there are some charms that it's impossible to cast on yourself," said Hermione. "I think that might be a good place for me to start. That, and scanning a vial of Veritaserum, and possibly a subject under the Imperius Curse, if you'd be so kind as to oblige me, say, at eight o'clock this evening."

"Provided you show me how to take readings and interpret the Mag-Spec data, I will be delighted."

Hermione held out her hand. "I believe we have a deal."

He shook it. "We already had a deal, Miss Granger. I believe we now have a date."

"We have a date tonight, but he still calls me 'Miss Granger,'" remarked Hermione, peering through the peephole in the hidden door to ensure that their return to the library would be unnoticed.

"I should hate for Longbottom to get the wrong idea about us," he replied dryly, stepping through the door she held open for him.

He held out his hand and helped her up the step into the softly-lit aisle of books. Hermione caught a whiff of cedar as she stepped towards him, and her stomach fluttered distractingly. His fingers were warm and dry around hers, and Hermione forced herself once again to think of licorice allsorts instead of her dreams about those strong fingers. It might have fooled a casual glance from an Occlumens, but it didn't fool her adrenal glands. Her fight-or-flight response kicked in, and she stumbled through the doorway.

She caught herself before she had truly lost her balance, but his arm was already around her, steadying her. He released her as soon as it was clear that she wasn't going to fall. She managed to thank him without stuttering, though a flush sprang up on her cheeks, and she felt as if her entire head had caught fire.

He nodded. "Until this evening, Hermione."

The way his voice caressed the second syllable of her name made her shiver.

This was very, very bad. If she got nervous and fluttery every time her thoughts got away from her, teaching the man would be outright torture.

However, skiving off was out of the question. She would just have to monitor her thoughts more effectively, starting by refusing to look at his fingers and never again teasing him about calling her "Miss Granger."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The following weeks were a flurry of activity. Though the world outside the castle remained frozen and gray, the climate inside Hogwarts had lightened considerably, and there was a sense of cautious optimism, at least among the staff.

Frequent meetings in the back room at Madam Puddifoot's had resulted in dozens of possibilities for raising money, all with historical precedent, and Neville had succeeded beyond Hermione's wildest dreams at getting the rest of the staff behind his proposals. Through it all, Molly had discouraged them, insisting that such efforts were tacky and unbecoming of the school, but the other teachers were so strongly in favor of Neville's ideas that she had little choice but to go along with them.

By the end of January, Molly had been forced grudgingly to approve not only Neville's garden show for the spring, but also a fortune-telling fair to fund a bridge connecting the Divination classroom to the Astronomy Tower, donor solicitations for endowed chairs of Transfiguration and Charms, an animal show featuring Luna's awe-inspiringly odd menagerie, a Defence Against the Dark Arts career day, and a series of trivia nights at the Three Broomsticks to fund the purchase of supplemental History of Magic textbooks.

Percy was unspeakably proud of having wheedled Madam Rosmerta into donating a percentage of all Butterbeer sales during his trivia nights, and he had started a campaign to make Gryffindor the house to beat. To Hermione's great surprise, he was quite successful. Observing one of his classes revealed that this was due largely to the fact that when Percy felt pressure, he tended to produce memorable spoonerisms, and his students were far more likely to remember the "stunning magical cunts" that led to "bitch wurnings" than Percy's usual droning lectures.

The other teachers were similarly affected. The ever-present dark circles under Parvati's eyes faded, and she, Ginny, and Fleur resumed their girls' nights in, to which Hermione was also invited and contributed several nice bottles of port. The sisters-in-law also had a friendly competition to see who could line up the most distinguished lists of donors for their respective endowed chairs.

However, the most dramatic change was in Severus. His laconic cynicism had been replaced with an urgent and earnest work ethic that Hermione would have found endearing if interpreting his results and answering his questions hadn't used up so much of what little spare time she had. She reflected that perhaps this was a good thing; she hadn't had the opportunity to soak in her tub or the temptation to repeat her experience of Christmas night. Not that it made her regular meetings with Severus any easier. Even when he was cooperating with her, the man was impossible.

Her first mistake was underestimating how much data he could produce. In his first week of using the Mag-Spec, he graphed every item in his student and private stores, including several stocks of the same ingredient for comparative purposes. In his second week, he created a working theory for optimizing Pepper-Up potion based on his analysis of its active ingredients.

Her second mistake was failing to take into consideration how his passion for the subject would affect her. She nearly had to excuse herself after he explained that the poblano chiles had to be sliced precisely along their clefts, to allow more of their precious juices to seep into the concoction. If he noticed that she took longer than usual to wash her hands and used extremely cold water, he didn't say anything about it.

For all that she frequently had to think of licorice allsorts in order to retain a professional demeanor, she was coming to enjoy his reports on his activities as much as she disliked giving her daily reports to Molly. It was exciting to have more data to work with, and already she had precisely quantified the effect of desiccation on several plants commonly used in potions and found that certain changes were conserved across species lines. Severus had downplayed the importance of the discovery, but she caught him with what only could have been a smile on his face when he thought she wasn't looking.

For her own part, the combined resources of the Hogwarts library, Severus's detailed map of the Aperterium, and her excursions with the Mag-Spec had allowed her to uncover no fewer than two dozen hidden gardens, ranging from dead, snow-covered courtyards to a subterranean hothouse filled to the ceiling with glowing purple orchids. Each hidden garden had been dutifully reported to both Neville and Molly, who were respectively delighted and annoyed by her success.

As Hermione mapped increasingly larger sections of the castle and ferreted out more illicit hiding places, the number of students receiving detention skyrocketed. Filch was delighted by this increase in collared miscreants, and he presided over crowded detentions filled with such deviously mind-numbing activities that Molly awarded him with a silver-plated, ever-inked "DETENTION SERVED" stamp. This he wore proudly on a chain around his neck at all times.

By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, the headmistress had put so many amorous pairs into detention that Neville was having a difficult time finding help for his garden show. In fact, Molly was so disgruntled by finding out exactly how much snogging her students had been doing on her watch that she cancelled all Valentine's festivities altogether. Hermione privately suspected that Molly would have significantly scaled back the holiday anyway, given the current market price of chocolate.

Valentine's Day dawned gray and frigid, with a threatening sky overhead. After an early morning spent poking around the Astronomy Tower with her Mag-Spec, Hermione took her breakfast in the Great Hall. While she was certainly no proponent of pink and other hackneyed sentimental symbols, there was something undeniably gloomy about finding the Great Hall unadorned, as if this Saturday were no different from any other. In fact, breakfast was an even bleaker affair than usual, since Molly had forbidden serving any pink or red food, such as apples or bacon, so as not to tacitly approve of any underage student tomfoolery.

Neville took his customary seat next to Hermione and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He was wearing a bow tie with red hearts on it that earned him a baleful glare from Molly, but he cheerfully ignored it as he told them about his progress on the plants for the garden show. The post arrived then, and Molly's scowl disappeared. In fact, she was looking rather disgustingly pleased with herself.

"That's odd," commented Neville. "I'd have expected the owls to have much heavier loads today."

"I'm sure they did," said Molly. "However, Mr. Filch has done a wonderful job of confiscating everything having to do with a certain holiday which shall remain nameless."

Neville looked scandalized. "Confiscating valentines? I never heard of such a thing!"

"The students have been warned on multiple occasions that unbecoming or lewd behavior will not be tolerated," said Molly. "I will not reward them for unseemly behavior by giving them an excuse for more of it."

"It just seems so heartless," commented Neville. "Don't you agree, dearest?"

Hermione kicked him under the table as she swallowed a bite of plain toast, as strawberry jam was forbidden. "I figured our gifts would be exchanged in private," she said in what she hoped was a passable simper.

He kicked her back. "That they will, my little sugar lump," he said, more than loud enough for Molly to overhear, "but don't you feel the least bit sorry for all these poor students who must keep their hands visible and one foot on the floor at all times and can't even go to Madam Puddifoot's?"

"You're entirely too soft-hearted," sniffed Molly, "and that's why you could never be headmaster."

Neville playfully kicked Hermione under the table again. "And you said it was because of my baby face," he scolded.

But Hermione didn't respond, not even to return Neville's kick. She was sitting stock still, her mouth slack. She returned to herself a moment later with a quiet exclamation of "Oh!"

"Are you well, Hermione?" asked Molly.

"I am," she said, giving a weak laugh. "I just realized that there's a message I need to send. If you'll both excuse me?"

Neville was looking at her with a worried expression on his face, but Molly nodded. "I'll expect you at two for your report."

"Two," repeated Hermione absently. "Right, see you."

She strode quickly out of the Great Hall, her thoughts in a whirl, and made a beeline for the nearest girls' toilet. After assuring herself that it was indeed empty, she locked herself in a stall and pulled out her charmed Galleon.

She ran her wand around the milled edge of the coin so that her message would only be sent to Coop and Severus. The message consisted of two words: Headmaster Longbottom?

Her heart was racing. It would be a brilliant coup if they could convince Neville to do it. Judging by his ability to convince the staff to join the fund-raising efforts, the staff respected him, and it was clear that the students adored him. And most importantly, Neville understood, perhaps better than any of them, the importance of giving all young things the space they needed to grow and flourish.

She stared at the surface of her Galleon, anxiously waiting for responses from her co-conspirators. Severus was, to her surprise, first: God help us all. She sighed in relief. It was a positively glowing commendation, by Severus's standards.

Coop's reply came moments later, its letters spiraling several times around the circumference of the coin. I humbly volunteer my persuasive skills in service of a greater goal. I'll bring it up so subtly he'll think it was his idea. And I should be able to talk him into taking the job, too. Enjoy your pressies.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. Presents? She made a mental note to ask the headmistress to check her stacks of confiscated Valentine's gifts for something gaudy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As it turned out, she didn't have to ask. When Hermione arrived at the headmistress's office to deliver her daily report, there were two brightly-colored boxes sitting on Molly's desk. The headmistress regarded her with a look of poorly-concealed disapproval.

"These," she said gesturing at the boxes, "arrived for you and Professor Longbottom. As no notes arrived with them, I was hoping you might be able to explain."

Hermione opened the box with her name on it and just managed to hold back a guffaw. Inside her box was a very large and realistic-looking dildo of the sort she had been admiring at Madam Puddifoot's. Molly cleared her throat and gestured to the box that was addressed to Neville, which, unsurprisingly, contained the same thing. For the second time that day, she wasn't sure whether to kiss Quentin Cooper or beat him soundly.

"Well," said Hermione in her driest professorial tones, "the human body contains a number of areas called 'erogenous zones' that can be stimulated to bring pleasure. The nipples and clitoris for women are the best known, and the glans and prostate for men are equally—"

"That's quite enough!" exclaimed the headmistress, red-faced. "I know what the filthy things are for, I want to know why someone has sent them to you and Neville!"

"Well, you see, headmistress, when a man and a woman love one another very much, they—"

"Hermione Granger!" bellowed the headmistress. "Cease these games at once and tell me who has sullied my school's reputation by filling it with these monstrosities!"

"I thought it was obvious. Neville and I bought them for one another."

"You—" began Molly, whose face had gone quite purple. "I don't believe it."

"We had no idea you were confiscating Valentine's gifts intended for staff members," said Hermione. "Otherwise, we would have been far more discreet."

"But how do — that is, where — ah…" The headmistress floundered for a moment, scowling. "While I think that it's well past time for you and Neville to have found someone, I cannot approve of those things in my school. I trust I needn't tell you that this sort of thing would not be tolerated from students, and indeed, if I didn't cling so dearly to my principles about the sanctity of personal space, it would not be tolerated from the staff."

Hermione managed not to snort derisively and stacked the boxes neatly in her lap. "I'm grateful for your forbearance. I'll just deliver this to Neville; he'll be so glad to know they've arrived safely."

"Just one moment, young lady," said Molly. "I said I would allow it of the staff. You, however, are not staff. You are merely a visiting researcher."

Hermione was about to deliver a sharp retort when she noticed the mulish set of the headmistress's jaw. She was clearly angry about something and was taking it out on Hermione because she could. In that moment, she felt a pang of sympathy for Severus, who had been Molly's only whipping boy prior to her arrival.

"As you wish, Molly," said Hermione, without inflection. She set the box with her name on it on Molly's desk and left the room with Neville's box before Molly realized that she hadn't delivered her daily report.

As she fled in the direction of her room, wondering where she would find Neville, a familiar-looking wooden door appeared in the stone. Even more surprising was the fact that it was adorned with hearts roughly cut out of red paper.

She pushed open the door and found the Room of Requirement filled with tables and dozens of laughing students. To her surprise and delight, Neville was holding open the very door whose existence had led her to discover the SMAC: the door that had so long ago allowed her, Harry, and Ron to enter Hogwarts from the Hog's Head tavern.

"Now," he said to a couple, who were making a bee-line for the door, "make sure you're back by sundown, otherwise you'll have to find your own way back. Hullo, my shining sunrise!" he called to her in jovial tones.

The hush that had spread across the room when she had appeared in the doorway quickly evaporated in a chorus of whispers and giggles. Hermione couldn't decide which she liked less, inspiring terror or knowing giggles.

"All right, you lot," said Neville. "Get gone and have a lovely time, or it's detention with Filch for you."

The students did as he requested, albeit with a few loud kissy noises and shrill giggling. Had her giggles been that awful and piercing when she'd been a student?

"You realize that the headmistress will be suspicious if they come back covered in dust and reeking of goats," said Hermione, when the last of the students had disappeared through the door.

Neville wrinkled his nose. "The Hog's Head is no sort of place to spend Valentine's Day," he declared. "I sent them to Madam Puddifoot's."

Hermione's fingers itched to pull out the Mag-Spec and scan the room and door, but she stayed her hand. "I thought the Room of Requirement only connected to the portrait of Dumbledore's sister."

"Who can say for certain?" asked Neville with a shrug. "The room provided for our needs that year. Perhaps the room knew back then that we needed a way to contact an ally more than we needed sex toys and tea."

"And speaking of sex toys," said Hermione, handing him the box. "Coop nearly blew our cover by sending us a matched set that Molly confiscated. She allowed yours in, but invented an excuse to keep mine."

Neville looked inside and promptly burst out laughing. "I wish I had seen her face when she opened the boxes!"

"Really, you don't. Purple and grayed ginger don't go together very well at all."

"Well, you're welcome to keep mine," he said. "I think you'll have more use for it than I will."

"As much as it pains me to admit it, you're probably right," she said with a sigh, taking the box and sinking down into the overstuffed chair that appeared opposite Neville's.

"Cheer up," said Neville, pouring her a cup of tea — milk, no sugar. "You can always pop over to Madam Puddifoot's to get me something more discreet as a thank-you."

A thought occurred to Hermione. "Neville, where in Madam Puddifoot's tea house does the door deposit the students?"

"That's where the room has outdone itself. They'd be noticed coming out of the wall of the tearoom, but it drops them in one of the private rooms in back. You know, the one where we meet with Coop. I hope the first couple to go had the sense to realize that others would follow. Madam P. has rules, even for the back rooms."

Hermione leapt to her feet. "May I have a look?"

He responded in the affirmative, and Hermione opened the door. There were several couples sharing a pot of tea in the back room, and all of them stared at her when she stuck her head out of the door to examine its design and position.

The vague suspicion she had harbored earlier became a near-certainty. The door in Madam Puddifoot's was the one she had conjured to connect to Severus's classroom. Somehow, the Room of Requirement had forged a connection to the SMAC. Whether it was permanent or temporary remained to be seen. She knew now that she had to scan it. She might never have the opportunity to do so again, and she certainly didn't know enough about the room to bend it to her will the way Neville did.

"Neville, I'm really sorry to ask this of you, but would you mind turning around for a couple of minutes?"

Neville eyed the box in her hand and gave her a rakish smile. "I appreciate the thought, Hermione, but I'd rather wait for the real thing, all the same."

She swatted his arm. "You've been spending too much time with Coop. Be serious."

"Oh, I am," he said, walking to the corner of the room, where a high-backed armchair facing the corner had just winked into existence. "If it makes you feel any better, I'd much rather have you and Coop's present than the other male in the castle who is similarly inclined."

"Really?" asked Hermione, pulling the Mag-Spec from her bag and taking a reading of the Room. "I thought you were the only one."

Neville settled into the chair, effectively blocking his view of Hermione. "He hides it pretty well, but when a grown man hasn't had a girlfriend since Hogwarts and collects quills as a hobby, it's pretty obvious. Not that I blame him for hiding. We both know his mother's views on the subject."

Hermione was searching the door frame for the spell's locus and froze when the light turned red. "Percy," she murmured. She hardly noticed the complex graph that appeared on the screen. "The poor man must be miserable," she said.

"I think he just likes being miserable, but Coop thinks the reason he's still around is because he hasn't figured himself out yet. Plenty of the staff suspect. Parvati used to drive me spare trying to fix things so that Percy and I would be alone together. For all that, he's never shown the slightest interest in me, or in anybody else, for that matter."

"Well, you can lead a knarl to milk, but you can't make him drink," she said as she took a few more readings from various points in the Room. She returned the Mag-Spec to her bag. "I'm done now," she said. "Thanks for being so patient."

He rose from the chair, which disappeared obligingly. "That was one of those I-could-tell-you-but-then-I'd-have-to-Obliviate-you things, wasn't it?"

"Unfortunately, yes," she said with a wry smile. "And I really need to go now."

He looked at her with interest. "Hot date?"

"Not exactly," said Hermione with a half smile. "See you later?"

"Actually, if I could ask a favor?"

"Of course."

"Could you come back in about an hour and a half? I was hoping you could hold the room while I go to Madam P.'s to herd the stragglers back here."

"Easier done than said." She gave him a quick hug before making her way quickly out of the room and tearing down the enchanted stairs towards Severus's classroom, where he preferred to do his marking. She couldn't wait to see if his little door still led to Madam Puddifoot's. Or to see what he'd make of her Mag-Spec data. Or to find out what he'd been working on that day. Or if he'd had a bath that morning and smelled of balsam. No. Not basalm. Liquorice allsorts.

Her heart was beating quickly as she raised her hand to his classroom door and knocked.

"Bugger off," came his voice from within.

"That's the best offer I've had all day," she said, opening the door and locking it securely behind her.

He was sitting at his desk surrounded by neat piles of essays, and he glared at her as she slid behind his chair. "I'm rather busy at the moment."

"You won't even know I'm here, Severus," she said, opening the hidden door to the closet and standing before the door that should take her to Madam Puddifoot's. She turned the knob and opened the door a tiny crack, not quite knowing what to expect.

There was nothing. She opened the door wider and found that where there had previously been an entrance to their meeting place, there was now a blank wall.

Severus had abandoned his marking and was peering over her shoulder. "What is this?"

"It's the Room of Requirement," she explained hastily. She closed the door and pulled several items out of her bag. "Somehow, it's been able to take over the connection I made to Madam Puddifoot's using the SMAC spell. I don't think this is the first time it's happened, either." She unfolded the map of the Aperterium that Severus had given her and pointed at a door in the far corner of the room. "Dumbledore used the SMAC to make a door that led to his sister's portrait in the Hog's Head. The night that Voldemort attacked Hogwarts, Neville led us from the Hog's Head to the Room of Requirement using what we thought was a secret tunnel, but the Room must have co-opted the connection."

She tapped her wand on the screen and pulled, which caused the image on the screen to appear in midair, suspended and glowing. She repeated the action with a second graph and placed it on top of the first. "The first is a scan of the magical door in the Room of Requirement, and this is the spell that I used to create the door on your wall. As you can see, it's exactly the same spell."

"Do you mean to tell me that the Room of Requirement can access any of the connections that make up the Aperterium?"

"It looks that way."

"Absurd. I would have seen it."

"Are you quite sure? The Room of Requirement would have appeared to you as something you needed at the moment."

Severus stared wordlessly at the spells for a moment. "Albus couldn't have understood the room entirely," he said at last. "A sentient but controllable room with this sort of learning capability would have precluded the need for the Aperterium."

"Unless, of course, he created a SMAC door in the Room of Requirement, thinking it was a normal sort of room, and the room has been using the connections he made to help provide things needed by whoever enters the room."

Severus stood and paced between the rows of desks. "You realize what this means, Hermione. Hogwarts is vulnerable. Should knowledge of the spell fall into the hand of someone who also knew about the Room of Requirement, it could be used to bring anything into and out of the school."

"What should we do?"

"At present? Nothing. Longbottom is in there now, but sometime very soon we must go to the Room of Requirement and figure out a way to detach it from the Aperterium."

Hermione thought for a moment. "Mightn't it be better to leave the connection in the Room of Requirement and dismantle the Aperterium?"

"Absolutely not," he said, drawing himself up to his full height. "I rely on the Aperterium for many things, not least of which is resisting the current regime."

"We don't have to do it all at once," said Hermione, "but we could start by removing the connections to places like teachers' private quarters, leaving yours intact, of course," she amended hastily, "to allow you to access it rapidly."

"I refuse to entertain the notion," said Severus. "Whoever is in charge of the school must have some way to keep track of the pupils, whether it be the Aperterium or Molly's hall of mirrors. Who knows, perhaps the Room of Requirement itself was built with spying in mind. It is not a matter of privacy, it's a matter of student safety."

"You sound exactly like Molly," said Hermione, angrily. "I don't accept that argument. For all his spying, did Dumbledore ever catch Sirius Black when he broke into the school? Did he ever catch Peter Pettigrew, who lived in Gryffindor Tower for nearly three years?"

Severus's face was dark. "Don't speak about things that you cannot possibly understand. If I hadn't had the Aperterium at my disposal during my tenure as headmaster, you would have far fewer friends than you do now."

"You used the Aperterium to spy on the teachers, not the students," she shot back. "And that was nearly twenty years ago. We can't live our lives as if we were still at war, and even if we did, your own map shows that there are multiple SMAC connections to the outside world. There are tunnels. Unauthorized Portkeys still occur. No matter what we do, Hogwarts will never be completely safe."

"We will agree to disagree on this subject," said Severus, turning his back on her to examine the graphs on the Mag-Spec.

"No, we won't!" exclaimed Hermione. "The Aperterium may be useful for us now, but how would you feel if someone else were using it to spy on you? In your bedroom?"

"Privacy is immaterial. It is only the impression of privacy that matters."

"How can you say that?"

"How can you believe otherwise? You placed a SMAC portal in your bathroom, Hermione. Will you take every bath looking over your shoulder to see if you're being spied on? Of course not. What harm will it do you to ignore the door on your wall for the sake of enjoying a hot bath?"

"And what if instead of spying, someone attacks me while I'm in the bathtub? There is no justification for invading a person's privacy like that." An image of him in the throes of pleasure leapt unbidden into her mind, and she immediately replaced it with pink and yellow allsorts. Her cheeks were flushed, but she met his eye. "The Aperterium, by its very existence, is a temptation that even the best of people would be hard-pressed to resist. We intend to leave Hogwarts to a kind and well-intentioned soul, but what about his successor? Or his successor's successor?"

"That's enough," said Severus coldly. "As long as I remain at Hogwarts, I will not let you dismantle the only means of fighting that is available to me."

"The Aperterium is your only means of fighting?" sputtered Hermione incredulously. "And just what is my Mag-Spec to you, then? A sodding hobby?"

He whirled to face her, his upper lip contorted in anger. "Do not put words into my mouth, you sharp-tongued harpy," he snarled. "If I had a choice—" he cut off, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "Are you being deliberately difficult again?"

The suspicion and annoyance in his voice surprised a laugh out of Hermione. "Not deliberately. Are you?"

"No," he said. The worst of his ire seemed to have evaporated, taking hers with it.

"Then perhaps you're right," she said. "We ought to agree to disagree."

"We'll say no more on the subject," he said in a tone of finality.

"All right."

He nodded at her, as if to drive home the point, and in the awkward silence that followed, he reached out for the colored box that she had removed from her bag while searching for the map of the Aperterium.

"What have we here?" he asked, looking at the tag. "A Valentine's gift for your ersatz lover? How sweet!"

"No, don't open that!" she exclaimed, reaching for the box, but it was too late.

To Hermione's horror, not only was Severus not disgusted by the gift, he seemed mildly interested. He lifted it out by the handle and tapped it with his wand to see what it could do. "A most thoughtful gift, given his preferences," he said at last. "If Longbottom looks particularly happy about having trouble sitting on Monday, I shall know who to thank."

"It's not from me, it's from Coop," said Hermione, snatching the dildo from Snape and returning it to its box. "Neville and I aren't so intimate with one another to be buying that sort of gift."

"And he and Coop are?" said Severus, leaning forward with his chin in his hand. Hermione realized then that he was teasing her, and she tried to cover her embarrassment with an arch look.

"Coop is simply Coop," she said, returning the box to her bag with as much nonchalance as she could muster. "I would have chosen something more discreet. As it is, there was an identical present for me, but the headmistress confiscated it."

"Dear me, taking a glass of water from one dying of thirst seems unnecessarily cruel, even for Molly."

Hermione glared at him. "I'm perfectly capable of getting my own water, thank you very much."

"No doubt you could fill an entire bathtub."

"I'll thank you to keep that between you and your left hand," she retorted.

He gave his funny barking laugh. "My left hand is the very soul of discretion," he assured. "As pleasant as this subject has been, I do wish to get your opinion on something before you go gallivanting off to experiment with the Room of Requirement."

"Provided it's a new topic, I can pontificate until the gnomes come home."

"Very well. If you would be so kind as to turn your attention to the board?" He waved his wand, and two complex histograms appeared side-by-side. "The diagram on the right is the one you made of the Unbreakable Vow. The one on the left is the Imperius Curse, which you were kind enough to capture as I cast it on one of the rabbits from the Transfiguration Classroom."

"Yes, I noticed that the Imperius has a number of structures in common with the vow, but is there something more specific that you were curious about?"

"Yes. I noticed that the overall structure of the vow is something akin to a triangle."

"That makes a fair amount of sense, given that three people are involved in its creation."

"There are also three separate components," pointed out Severus. "The requirements of the vow, the acceptance of the vower, and the sealing power of the Bonder."

Hermione nodded, and he continued.

"If we accept these three components, the graph becomes much clearer. Here," he said, gesturing to one point of the triangle, "the shapes that attach to this vertex bear a great deal of similarity to these parts of the Imperius curse, which leads me to believe that this is the part that impels the vower upon his or her acceptance of the vow.

"Next," he said, gesturing at another point, "we see the source of these structures, which wind around the other parts of the spell like strands of rope. I suspect that this vertex represents the Bonder and the power that holds the vow together, even in the event of the Bonder's death.

"Now, this is the part that I desire your thoughts on. The third vertex, by elimination, must represent the requirements of the vow, and indeed, they are inextricably linked with the Imperius-like compulsive aspects and Bonder's binding magic. However, it is here," he said, pointing to a small area near the vertex, "that I wish to draw your attention."

Hermione leaned in close, and sure enough, where the other vertices were strongly connected to the structures that emanated from them with strong, twisting structures, this vertex had what appeared to be a knot sticking out of the side of the graph. While the knot was made up of the same sorts of structures as the rest of the diagram, the knot itself was only held to the rest of the diagram by two strings.

"I've seen this before, Severus," she said. "I even suggested that perhaps this part of the spell was weak because of the document that Molly tied to your vow. What do you think it is?"

"I think that perhaps I was too hasty."

Hermione could hardly believe her ears. "Pardon? I thought I just heard Severus Snape admit that he was wrong."

"I admit nothing, I merely posit the possibility," he said with entirely too much patience for it to be genuine. "Now, if you've had your fun at my expense, I'd be most grateful if you would be so good as to hear the reason I'm discussing it at all."

"Of course, I'm sorry," she said with a partially repentant smile. "Do go on."

"It occurred to me that if Molly tied an Unbreakable Vow to a piece of paper, it would behoove her to keep it safe. The paper that I destroyed was in her office in a heavily-protected cabinet inside a file marked 'Pictures of Grandchildren,' and I previously believed it to have been genuine. But this diagram suggests that this area is still the mostly likely weakness."

"To be fair to you, it could be an entirely different structural weakness, such as the tenet that says you consent to have your presence hidden under the Fidelius Charm. Perhaps if we convinced Percy to reveal your secret to others, it would break the vow."

"If that were the case, the vow would have disappeared the moment you discovered me," he replied.

"Not necessarily. The Secret Keeper has not revealed the secret to me. Perhaps that technicality is the last frayed cord that holds the vow together."

"Percy or Molly revealed the secret to the House Elf, and the vow was unaffected," he pointed out.

"Perhaps House Elf magic is different?" asked Hermione doubtfully.

"I will admit that there is a very slim possibility that you're right."

"How magnanimous of you," she said, lips quirking.

He ignored her. "This leaves the question of where the headmistress would have hidden something very precious to her."

"Her room?"

"Unlikely. I've used the Aperterium to cause enough mischief in all her private rooms that I doubt she would leave it anywhere in the open."

"Perhaps she's enchanted it to look like something else?"

"That is what I hope to discover when I break into her rooms this evening with the Mag-Spec."

"But what if the object that she's enchanted isn't in the room? If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't take any chances. I would keep the object on me at all times, even when asleep."

"That's a possibility I've considered," he said, "which is why I plan to drug her with Dreamless Sleep before breaking in and searching thoroughly."

Hermione shuddered at thinking what Severus would consider a thorough search. "And how, precisely do you plan to do that?"

"I have already instructed my House Elf to add it to her evening tea."

"But the elves have an oath to the school! She won't drug the headmistress!"

"Believe it or not, Hermione, I can be quite persuasive when it is required of me. Even so, other elves might have refused, but Molly was certain to give me the youngest and least experienced elf. It was the least I could do to pay her back for the kindness."

"It sounds like you have things well in hand," said Hermione. "I wonder that you need me at all."

"I don't," he replied, smirking. "But it's been so long since I had anybody to tell my clever plans to that I couldn't resist."

"I suppose you'll be wanting the Mag-Spec," she said with a long-suffering sigh.

"Please." His tone was slightly mocking, but she couldn't argue with his politeness. She handed him the machine.

"Stop by my room to return it tonight, no matter how late it is. I'll need it first thing in the morning. Now if you'll excuse me, I promised Neville I'd help him herd students back from Hogsmeade."

"Hogsmeade? What in the Ninth Circle do they think they're doing there?"

"Oh, did I forget to mention that the reason the Room of Requirement is connected to Madam Puddifoot's is because Neville wanted the children to have a proper Valentine's Day?"

"Yes, you did," he said, crossing his arms. "Heaven help us, holidays during Longbottom's tenure will be even more intolerable than Dumbledore's."

"On the bright side, I imagine you could bully him into letting you out of any holiday-related duties."

"Oh, joy," he said sourly. "It makes a lifetime of indentured servitude look so much brighter."

"Don't be so glum, Severus. We'll get rid of Molly, we'll free you from the vow, and the world will be your oyster."

"Oysters make me come out in a rash."

"That may be so, but they can turn even the most irritating things into pearls."

"Then I shall strive to be as irritating as possible," he said, returning to his marking.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~