Okay! So the Plot Bunnies struck again and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote this crackfic about the Decepticons. Not sure how much I like this one yet. Review please and help me out? ^_^
P.S. Sorry if I messed up with any of the G1 characters. I haven't seen all of those episodes yet!
Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers or Wikipedia. I wish, though.
It was just another lazy day at the Decepticon base. Brawl was raiding the fridge, Blackout was sleeping, Barricade was watching TV, and Bonecrusher…well, no one really wanted to know what he was doing.
But they were bored.
"There's nothing to do on this slagging planet!" Barricade whined, flipping through channels without really seeing what was on.
"Well don't just sit on your aft and complain about it, 'Cade! Do something!" Brawl shot back.
"Like what?"
"I don't know…where's Frenzy?"
"He's terrorizing Scorponok again. I wouldn't expect him back anytime soon," Barricade replied flatly. Faint shrieks could be heard at the other end of the base, but no one really paid attention to those.
"Well then, go terrorize the neighbors again. …or sneak up on unsuspecting kids…or grow a garden…join a garden club…grow me some slagging food…"
"Hm…a club might not be such a bad idea to start…but what to name it…" Barricade thought.
Blackout stumbled out of his room, half awake, and ran into Brawl who was still raiding the fridge.
"Ow, hey Bonecr…no, Barri…no…Brist…ah, Blackout, whoever the slag you are, get off of me!" Brawl yelled, shoving Blackout off his shoulder. Blackout hit the floor with a loud thump and fell asleep again. "Primus, there's way too many of us with B names," he grumbled.
"That's it!" Barricade yelled.
The sudden outburst caused Blackout to jump up and scream like a little girl.
*cricket chirps*
"…I'm going to pretend like I never heard that." Barricade stated, one optic ridge higher than the other. "Anyway. I have an idea! We should start our own club! For Decepticons with B names!"
Brawl rolled his optics. "Yippee. Can I join, oh pretty please?" he asked sarcastically.
"Yeah! You can be the Treasurer!" Barricade said. "You were even in the movie. So you're famous! But not as famous as me, of course."
Brawl thought he was joking until he was handed an envelope with money in it.
"No, seriously, I didn't mean…I wasn't even really in the movie…they called me 'Devastator'…so…and where did you even get that money from?"
"I just…happened to run into a few kids who graciously offered to pay me in return for their lives." Barricade grinned. "You should've seen what I did after that."
Brawl still wasn't sold. "But I really wasn't in-"
Blackout laughed. "Aw, don't be so modest, Brawl! We all know it was really you!" he teased. "Take your post as Treasurer with honor!"
"That's the spirit, Blackout! You can be Vice President!" Barricade said, oblivious to the sarcasm.
Now it was Brawl's turn to laugh.
"Wait, what? No! I don't want-"
"Come on, Blackout! Take your post with honor!" Brawl teased. He pulled Blackout over and whispered in his ear, "If I'm getting pulled into this, you are too!"
"Then we're bringing Bonecrusher in too! Go get him!"
"Why me?"
"Because you're just the Treasurer! I'm the VP!"
"*grumble* Fine! But I'm gonna get back at you for this someday…"
Brawl shuffled down the hallway angrily, knocked on Bonecrusher's door, and said, "Hey, you! Get out here!"
A muffled response came from within, along with a few noises that no one wanted to find out what made them. "Why?"
"We found something new for you to torture."
The door slid open. "Really?"
"No," Brawl said, shoving Bonecrusher into the main room.
Bonecrusher was visibly disappointed. "I hate when you do that to me."
"All the more reason for me to do it then."
The four Decepticons gathered on the couches. Three of them were trying to find ways to get out of being there.
"Okay! The first official meeting of The B Club has now come to order!" Barricade stated. "Our first order of business is to officially give out the titles to the ranking members! The President will be myself, obviously. Vice President will be Blackout-"
"What exactly do I do as VP?"
"Basically, you do all my bitchwork and get paid a whole lot less than me."
"But you're not paying me at all! You just threatened to booby trap my room while I was sleeping," Blackout grumbled.
"Exactly! Now, Treasurer will be Brawl-"
"Why do I have to be Treasurer?" he whined.
"Because you're the closest we have to an armored truck. And finally, Secretary will be Bonecrusher!"
At the sound of his name, Bonecrusher was brought out of his daydream. "What?" he asked, looking up. But no one paid attention to him. As always.
Barricade then took out a laptop computer.
"What's that for?" Blackout asked, confused. "We have automatic links to the internet."
"Well, we need to find a list of every 'Con with a B name. And I figured it would be more fun this way!" Barricade stated happily.
"…How?" Brawl asked, completely confused.
"Wikipedia!"
"Oh, no…" Brawl thought. "Not that again..."
"Alright…List of Decepticons…aha! Here we go. 'Bludgeon'." Barricade said. "A pretender, eh? We could use him. Bonecrusher, write down that Bludgeon is in our club!"
A disembodied voice rang throughout the base, startling Brawl. "YES!"
Blackout leaned over to look at the laptop screen, beginning to become interested in spite of himself. "How the frag do they know so much about us?"
"It's the internet, Blackout. The internet knows everything." Brawl said, also leaning over to see. He too, was getting interested. Slag you, Barricade! "Ah, look, some communications 'Cons. 'Buzzsaw' and 'Beastbox.'"
"Beastbox? Lame. He's out. Buzzsaw is in though."
A cheer and a groan could be heard far off. Brawl looked over his shoulder, wondering where the noise came from.
"Hey, there's another tank! 'Brunt.'"
Brawl shot that one down. Literally. "I'm going to be the only tank here!" he yelled, cooling off his cannons. No one responded to that one because, of course, he was blown to smithereens.
They scanned the list for more B names. Blackout spotted the next one. "Hey, it's a Stunticon. 'Breakdown.' But he combines into a bigger Decepticon. Should we still let him in?"
Bonecrusher looked up from his illegible "writing". "Hey, I'm part of Devastator! Anyway, isn't he a Lamborghini? That could do wonders for our public appearance."
"For once…Bonecrusher is right!" Barricade stated, a little shocked by this revelation. 'Breakdown', you're in!"
"Woo hoo!"
"We should probably let Blast Off in to then, huh?"
"Ah, why not."
More distant cheering.
The four Decepticons continued to peruse the list with more interest. One caught Barricade's eye and caused him to laugh.
"What the slag is a 'mole monster?'" he asked, pointing to the name 'Blot.'
The other mechs laughed at this too. "Oooh, I'm so scared! it's a mole monster!"
"Hahaha…sorry. Not in."
"Aww…"
"We could probably use an Insecticon. Look, here's one," Bonecrusher said, pointing to 'Bombshell."
"True, but why have a normal Insecticon when you could have a Deluxe Insecticon?" Blackout responded. "I say 'Bombshell is out, and 'Barrage' is in!"
"That's not fair!"
"Score!"
"Hey, 'Battletrap' is a Jeep and a heli-" Barricade started, but was interrupted by Blackout's cannon blast. "Okay…never mind." Barricade finished while Blackout smiled smugly.
They continued looking down the list. "Oh, hey Brawl. You might wanna take care of Blitzwing. He's a triple changer with a tank mode." Blackout said.
"Thanks for the heads up," he replied, taking aim. Boom. "Problem solved!"
"Are there any Nebulans that qualify?" Bonecrusher asked.
"Nah, they're too puny for me to care about. All Nebulans are automatically disqualified." Barricade stated.
A series of groans and sighs echoed throughout the base.
"You know, the comments from the Peanut Gallery are really starting to annoy me," Brawl stated, glaring. "Anyway, how can they even hear us? And how can I even hit them without knowing where they are? How do I know I hit the right one? Why can I see them sometimes but not others?? Are we on an acid trip or something?!?"
Ignoring Brawl's slight mental breakdown, Barricade said, "All further comments will be saved for the official list, or you will be shot. Got it?"
One voice spoke up. "Yeah."
Boom.
"Obviously not," Barricade stated, blowing over the top of his cannon. "Now, moving on…"
"Look, two more pretenders! 'Bomb-Burst' and 'Bugly.'" Brawl said, trying to recover from his mental breakdown.
"'Bugly?' Are you slagging serious? What kind of a Decepticon name is that?" Blackout said, sniggering. "Oh, he's so out. 'Bomb-Burst'…ah…okay. He's in."
Barricade looked over at Bonecrusher. "You're keeping track of all these, aren't you?" he asked.
"Oh…uh…yeah. They're right here," he said, pointing to the paper he was drawing on. The picture was of himself making fun of Blackout, who was wearing a pink dress and holding flowers.
Barricade rolled his optics. "It's a good thing I'm recording these in my processors…"
"What about 'Birdbrain?'"
"Nah, we don't need an idiot. 'Bristleback' could be used as a cannonball though. He's got spikes all over his body."
The mechs steadily made their way down the list of the rest of the G-1 Decepticons, stopping at each B name and deciding if they would be let in the club. 'Black Jack' made it in, 'Banzai-tron' was shunned, ("What the slag does 'Banzai-tron' mean, anyway?" Blackout asked.) and 'Bombshock' was mysteriously destroyed, but Brawl's cannons were suspiciously smoking.
"Look, Japanese Decepticons!" Brawl stated. "They probably make awesome sushi…"
Barricade sighed. Brawl was thinking of food, as always. "Alright, Brawl. Pick one. And I mean one!"
"Hmmm…I piiick…'Black Zarack!'"
"Hey…what the…that's not fair, Brawl! He's a Japanese version of Scorponok!" Blackout whined, reading his description.
Brawl smirked. "Payback's a bitch, isn't it, Blackout?"
"Primus, help me deal with these Sparklings…" Barricade thought, shuttering his optics. "Okay, moving on…'Bulletbike'…nah, too generic."
"Hey, Brawl. Tank warning," Bonecrusher said as he read the description by 'Blight.'
Boom. "Taken care of!" Brawl said lazily.
"Did you even look to see where you were shooting?"
"Nope."
Bonecrusher shrugged, not really caring.
Barricade kept reading. "Hey, 'Brushguard' is an SUV! We could use him."
"Fine, but just to warn you…they're huge energon guzzlers." Blackout mentioned, reading further. "Hey, wasn't 'Buzzsaw' a communications 'Con?"
"Yeah, why?" Barricade asked.
"Because it says here that he's a helicopter."
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
Boom. "That."
"Uhh…wrong Buzzsaw."
"What? Oh…oops. Let's try that again!" Blackout said, aiming his cannons. "Boom…headshot!"
Brawl rolled his optics for what felt like the millionth time that day. "I guess this means 'Beastbox' gets in now."
"Oh, look! A Pterodactyl! With a kick-aft name! I say he's definitely in," Barricade said, referring to 'Brimstone.'
"Hmm…I say 'Battle Ravage' and 'Bug Bite' are out," Blackout said, squinting his optics. Staring at the laptop so long was really messing up his vision.
"Oh, another 'Blitzwing' for me to shoot…" Brawl said, shooting said Decepticon.
"That leaves…'Blackarachnia'…" Barricade shuddered. "She scares me, so that's a no. and then 'Booster X10'…lame name, but he's an MP3 player. So he's in."
"Okay, is that all of them? Did we miss any?" Bonecrusher asked.
"Psh, who cares? If we overlooked them in the first place then they're not important enough to be in our exclusive club." Barricade said.
"Good point."
"Alright…here is the official list: Barricade, Blackout, Brawl, Bonecrusher, Bludgeon, Beastbox, Breakdown, Blast Off, Barrage, Bomb-Burst, Bristleback, Black Jack, Black Zarack, Brushguard, Brimstone, and Booster X10," Barricade paused. "Everyone that made the list may now cheer in happiness."
"YEAH!"
"Yes! I made it!"
"Me too!"
"Okay, and everyone else that I didn't mention, sorry. You're not cool enough to be in The B Club. You may wallow in your sorrow now."
"Aww…"
"My name isn't that bad, is it?"
"This sucks."
"The first official meeting of The B Club has now come to a close!" Barricade stated.
"Uh…what's the use of this club anyway?" someone asked.
"To waste time, have bragging rights, and steal Starscream's stuff and play pranks on him," Barricade answered.
"Ooooh, cool! I love this club!"
"Hey, listen up! First challenge of The B Club!" Barricade yelled. "Whoever can steal Starscream's left arm gun gets a special gift! The right arm gun doesn't count! Ready…go!" he watched as everyone but Brawl, Bonecrusher, and Blackout made a mad dash for Starscream's room, where the mech in question was peacefully recharging. Was.
The four listened to the screams coming from his room with contentment.
"…I still don't get how all those Decepticons got here! Or heard us! Or anything!" Brawl said, exasperated.
"…What are you talking about, Brawl?" Barricade asked innocently.
"Don't be a wise-aft, 'Cade! The B Club! All the 'Cons that made their way over here to go torture Starscream! He's yelling right now!!"
"I don't hear anything," Blackout said. "You okay, Brawl?"
Brawl looked around. They were acting normal. They didn't seem to hear anything!
"But…but the…and those voices…and the Decepticons…but…" Brawl sputtered.
Bonecrusher leaned over and whispered to Blackout, "I think he's on an acid trip."
"I AM NOT!…I don't think…" Brawl wandered off, trying to figure out what was wrong with his processors. It would take him months to get back to normal now.
Once he was out of sight, Barricade grinned at Bonecrusher and Blackout, shutting off the solid-hologram projector and the speaker system.
"Best. Setup. Ever."