Disclaimer: Don't own it. 'Nuff said. Actually, fiberkitty said we needed to state that we are NOT SM because we kick ass, so, no, we are NOT Stephenie Meyer. If we were, we would have named the kid a hell of a better name than Renesmee

AN: Crap! Sorry you guys! MM1 here...I've had MAJOR drama over on another of my stories...if you're reading DS, then you know, so I was busy cranking out an 11,000 word chapter. YES, you heard me right. Actually, it's 11,475 words, but hey, who's counting, right? *snort*

So...still enjoying Jasper being pregnant? *snickers* Here's the next in our little saga...feel sorry for them, won't you?

Alice POV

Somehow we managed to get through the rest of the day, how, I wasn't sure. Now it was the next morning and I was getting ready. To go paintballing. With Emmett. And Edward. "Jazzy!" I whined from the closet. "I can't believe you're making me do this!"

I heard my little kittenish growl as he stomped into our closet. "And I can't believe you're making me go to your stupid baby shower! How could you, Alice? How in God's name could you do this?!"

"I forgot!" I said with a growl of my own. "Do you really think I want to miss my baby shower? Can't I come? I'll sit over in the back and be quiet."

He shot me a look. "And have you get my man-card revoked the first time you squeal like a damned girl over some diapers? Fuck. No."

"Language!" I said sharply. "The baby can hear you, you know."

His, well, my eyes narrowed and I knew that look. He didn't have to be in his body for me to know it. "Alice, baby, you are the one that switched us. So you will go paintballing with the guys and you will win. Because if pansy ass Edward beats me I swear on all that is holy I won't buy you any new shoes for a fucking month."

I gasped. "Jasper Lee Whitlock! How dare you?!" I said, clutching my heart. "That's low, even for you. Just because you've got some kind of fucked up need to win at everything doesn't mean you can take away my shoe allowance!"

He growled something, but it was too low for me to hear. "What was that?" I asked.

He sighed as he tried to zip up the dress I'd put him in. "Nothing." He said in a defeated tone. "Can you please help me? I don't know what the hell I'm doing in this thing…"

I grinned. "It shouldn't be too hard." I retorted. "You didn't have any issues getting into that cheerleader outfit Emmett picked out for you a few months ago…"

His eyes narrowed once more. "That shit won't funny."

I giggled at his southern mannerisms. He liked to talk proper English, especially around Edward, who seemed so smart, but the fact of the matter was, my baby was from Texas, and down there, they talked a whole different language. "I thought you looked sexy."

A look crossed his, or rather, my, face and I knew it. Horny Alice's body was making an appearance. "I remember," He said softly.

His little purr went straight to my, er, his, cock and I had to adjust it. "Does this happen a lot?" I asked, gesturing to the tent in my pajama pants.

He smiled. "Every time I think of you." He whispered as he came closer to me. "Alice?"

I blinked. "Yes?"

"I love you."

I smiled. "I love you too. Now, I guess you need to show me what the hell I need to wear…"

An hour later I was standing outside of "Pritchett's Paintball Emporium". It didn't look too imposing. I swallowed hard, bit my lip, and walked inside.

"Jazz man!" Emmett said with a grin. It had been him yesterday that said I had to come to this stupid thing because if I didn't show, quote, 'Edward would know something was up.' To which I still reply, 'bullshit'. "How's it going?"

I shot him a look and Edward said, "Man, what the fuck happened to your hair?"

I ran my fingers over it. Jasper had never taken my suggestion to put any gel in his hair, said it was for prissy boys…or Edward, but I had decided since he was gone, having taken Regan and rode with Rosalie and the girls to Bella's house for the shower, that I could improve on his already gorgeous looks. I'd teased his hair, shaved his face…with an electric razor, he didn't trust me with a real one, even though I've been shaving my legs…and other more sensitive areas since I was twelve, and put on some cologne.

I had, begrudgingly put on the clothes he'd laid out for me. He informed me if I lost, I'd be covered in paint, and I certainly didn't want to ruin the nice clothes I tried to put on him time and again. Jasper looked stunning in designer clothes. Unfortunately, he usually wore polo's and Wranglers. Not that I was opposed to the jeans, because my man's ass in denim was a sight to behold, but I liked seeing him all dressed up. He was beautiful, underwear model beautiful, and I wanted to show him off to the world.

I shrugged. "Nothing. I just felt like putting a little extra attention into myself. Is that a crime?" Edward just looked at me and Emmett had stuffed his fist into his mouth so as not to laugh hysterically.

I shot him another look and walked over to the counter. "So, what color paint do we get?" I asked.

Edward looked at me like I'd grown another head. "Jazz, you always pick white, because they don't have confederate grey."

I rolled my eyes. My husband had a serious thing about the civil war. Go figure. "Yeah, I just wondered if I should change my mind today." They had a really cool looking neon pink. That would be fun.

"Al," Emmett whispered. "Don't fuck with shit."

I growled and bought a pack of the pink paintballs. "Personally, I think you two pansies will look pretty all decorated in pink."

Emmett's mouth fell open and Edward laughed. "You are so on, bitch."

We gathered up the rest of our supplies and made our way to the outdoor obstacle course. "So, rules same as last time?" Edward asked.

I grinned. "Well, gentlemen, let's discuss this. How about we up the ante? Isn't our usual, biggest loser buys the beer?" They both nodded. "Well, how about the next-biggest loser buys the beer, and the first biggest loser has to pay out."

"In what?" Emmett and Edward asked in unison.

"In servitude."

Emmett snorted. "It sounds like something a girl would ask."

I grinned again, my smile going evil. "So, you'd want to scratch Edward's balls if he wins, Em? Because that's what this will be. Full servitude, nothing too big, nothing too small."

"For how long?" Edward asked worriedly.

I chuckled. "Twenty four full hours."

"Fuck," Emmett said. "All at one time?"

I shook my head. "Even worse. In four hour increments."

"You're an evil, sadistic man, Jasper Whitlock." Edward said. "I like it. You've been hanging out with your wife too much."

I cackled then. "I know."

"Care to relax a minute first, gentlemen?" Edward asked, pulling out a couple of joints.

I grinned as I took one from him. I'd enjoyed my weed in college. It had been forever since I'd had a hit. "Your ass is gonna get so fucking busted one day, Edward." I told him as he held out a lighter.

I took a hit and held it as long as I could. Damn…no wonder these boys like hanging out with each other. While Rose, Bella and I eat yogurt and watch after the kids, the boys get high and shoot at shit. Huh. This guy thing might be fun after all now that I've figured out how to pee with a cock.

Edward blew out some smoke, making little rings with it and said, "Nope. It's medicinal."

Emmett laughed. "I've heard that medicinal bullshit since high-school, Edward."

He shrugged. "Yeah, but it works. Everyone always talks about how uptight I am, this relaxes me."

"You know they have yoga that would do the same," I pointed out before taking another breath.

He shot me a look. "You don't get high off of yoga."

"I don't know," Emmett said. "Rosie's doing that pregnancy yoga and I've been joining her when she does it. Fuck, the shit we've been able to do now that both of us are more limber…well, let's just say that I can easily see how you can do that tongs position everyone's talking about."

I giggled, couldn't help it. "Are we gonna sit and talk about sex all day or are we gonna go shoot some shit?" I asked.

Both men nodded and we headed off into the woods.

Three hours, an 'injury' to my leg and a double victory later, I was grinning like a fool. "Gentlemen," I said as we headed to our cars. "Emmett, you owe us a round of beer. Edward…you suck at paintball. I think we need to revoke your man card."

Edward flipped me off as he climbed into his Volvo, but Emmett looked at me and burst out laughing. "You know, you are the man, Alice."

I grinned. "Yeah. I enjoyed this. Maybe…maybe after we switch back and I have the baby I'd be willing to play with you guys."

He popped my arm in a 'manly' gesture. "I knew ya had it in ya."

Funny, I never really thought about it. Wow. Maybe this will be something new Jasper and I could do together. You never know…

Jasper POV

Several hours, a handful of TUMS and five pee breaks later I was sitting like the queen of Babies R Us at my own personal baby shower.

I had been more than nervous when Rose came to pick me up for the ride over to Bella's house. Not only did I look like someone had barfed rainbow sherbet all over me in the dress Alice had insisted I wear, but I was also teetering around on some sort of high heeled death traps that and I quote, 'Absolutely has to be worn with that dress or I am taking the bedazzle gun to your paintball outfit before I leave with Emmett.' Fucking Alice! If I didn't love her so much, I swear I would pack her pixie ass off in a FedEx box and ship her to Timbuktu.

But instead I am sitting in a frou-frou dress, some sort of fucking corsage made out of baby socks pinned to my chest, watching twenty-five women kiss each other's cheeks and act like they don't go around talking about how big the other one's ass is or whose husband is fucking the maid behind their backs. My ideal Sunday afternoon, I thought sardonically.

I felt a gentle squeeze on my shoulder and turned to see Bella's big brown eyes silently questioning me. I let out a little sigh and gave her hand a squeeze back.

"Are you okay?" she whispered.

I was extremely grateful that Rose had informed me that Bella knew about the whole situation. The only one still in the dark was Edward, and Bella had begged me not to tell him. She had said that him being a doctor, this whole body switching may be a little too tempting for him to resist. She said she was afraid he might want to turn Alice and me into his own personal guinea pigs if he found out. Yeah, right. I don't think so. I had a feeling little Miss Bella may have a little switch-a-roo of her own planned. And all I can say to that is – fuck yeah!! Just let me get back in my own body so I can help make his life a living hell.

"I'm fine. But what if I fuck up, Bells? I am surrounded by women – women who all know Alice. I am never going to fucking be able to pull this off."

She bit her lip as she knelt in front of me, helping to block the view of the other women.

"Look, Jazz, you can do this. Just be happy and perky. Alice lives to be the center of attention. Also, don't curse. I know Alice does it around us, but she watches her tongue in front of other people. Rose and I will be right beside you. Just ooh and ahh and act like you are having a great time." Her words flew out fast and furious as I tried to make mental notes of everything she was saying.

"Oh and one more thing…women DO NOT scratch themselves in public. So grab a glass of punch or a napkin or something and keep your hands occupied."

I looked down in mortification to see my hand absently scratching at where my dick should have been. Shit, this is going to be harder than I thought.

"Okay everybody," Rose gestured to the crowd. "How about we all go ahead and get something to eat and we can play a few games. Then while Alice is opening her presents we can have our cake and punch?"

"Come on, little momma, you are the guest of honor, so you get to go first."

Rose grabbed me by the arm and helped hoist me out of the chair I was in. I had no idea it was so hard to just get back into a standing position when you had this large belly attached to your front.

I shuffled to the dining room and took in the spread before me. Bella never did anything half assed and for once I was pleased. I was starving. I grabbed a plate and started around the table.

She had tiny finger sandwiches, fruit, cheeses, and little tiny swirly pinwheel looking things that looked so good that I ate four before I even moved to the next item. I didn't realize until I got around the whole table that my plate was overflowing with food. I looked up, a fruit kabob dangling from my lips, only to see every woman in the room staring at me in wonder.

That was when I noticed all the other plates. One or two sandwiches, a single cube of cheese, perhaps a smattering of nuts…no one's plate looked like mine. In fact, it looked like they were trying to ration out portions in case of a nuclear attack. And then there was mine, filled to the brim. Mine looked like I was deciding to hoard it away for the winter. I stared dumbfounded at the women before me.

The silence was broken by none other than Lauren Mallory, an evil bitch of a woman, who loved nothing more than to make Alice feel bad. Why in God's name they had even invited her was beyond me. But I knew she had serious clout around town and Alice had told me her father was thinking about bringing an ultra chic outdoor galleria to town and they were shopping for architects.

"Hungry, Alice? I had no idea you had such a ravenous appetite. I would hate for you to have a hard time losing all that baby weight. I mean, you just have the cutest figure…when you aren't pregnant."

Fucking Bitch. I ought to just put down my plate of food and go over there and bitch slap that woman across the room. Alice was fucking adorable pregnant.

I opened my mouth, not even noticing the stick of fruit fall to the floor, trying to form a great comeback when I felt the tears start to prick my eyes. Great…here go the hormones again.

I snapped my mouth back shut, scared that anything I said was going to be lost in a jumble of sobs when Rose stepped in front of me.

"What exactly is your problem, Lauren? It's Alice's shower, she's pregnant and she's hungry. And I would say with very good reason. I believe Mr. Jasper got a little shower treat of his own before we came over here this afternoon, if you know what I mean. But then again, maybe you don't, considering you live alone. With your cats."

I was fascinated by the cat fight unfolding in front of me. Now if they would just rip at each other's clothes and roll around naked, it would be perfect.

"So I suggest, Lauren, that you keep your snarky, smart ass comments to yourself. We all know you're jealous because even pregnant, Alice is still thinner than you. Now if you feel like you can play nice, feel free to stay. And if not, then don't let the door hit you in your ass on the way out."

Rosalie turned to me while I looked at her in awe. I'd heard her lightening fast tongue work before, but never in my defense. It was amazing. "Come on, honey; let's get you off your feet. I promised Jasper I would take good care of his baby." She guided me back into the other room and toward my seat. I listened to the giggles and snickers coming from the dining room, followed by a loud slamming of the front door.

"Thank you, Rose, for taking care of me…of us."

"Honey, I always take care of my…girls. Now eat your food so we can get this shin-dig over with. My feet are fucking killing me."

"No kidding." I said as I dug into my plate of food.

The rest of the afternoon progressed better than I expected. They played some silly party games like wrapping my belly in toilet paper and passing around baby diapers that had different candy bars melted in them – to resemble poop. You had to take a bite and see if you could guess what kind of candy it was. And they say men are gross. Try watching a bunch of women pretend to eat shit from a tiny diaper. I didn't know whether to laugh or puke.

Then I got to open my presents. I couldn't believe all the fucking loot. Bottles, bibs, clothes out the fucking yin - yang. No wonder women like to have one of these. I didn't think women got them for second babies. Huh, guess our girls just love to party. No one seemed pissed she was having another baby shower, in fact, everyone was all giggly and shit. Every present I opened got passed around and then put on a large table beside the door by Bella while Rose kept a notepad of who had given me what. They also had me covered in all the bows as I unwrapped each one. I was thoroughly enjoying myself, much to my surprise.

The last box I came to was a large blue box with fishes on it. It had been covered up by all the others, or I would have noticed it first – being so different than all the other yellow and green wrapping. I heaved it over to me as Rose and Bella came back into the room after making another trip to unload my presents.

"Last one guys, and it's a doozie. Let's see who it is from."

Just as I grabbed the tag, Bella can and snatched the present away, carting it off to the back room. Rose noticed the look of shock on my face as she stuck another bow to my chest

"Sorry, Ali, that one is from me and Bells. You need to wait and open it when you and Jasper are together, okay? It's sort of something for both of you."

"Um…okay. So do we get to have cake now?" My stomach was already grumbling again.

"Yes, cake time. Just make sure you leave some for the rest of the ladies." She said once again helping me to my feet.

"Bitch." I quoted using Alice's favorite term of endearment for Rose.

"Whore." She shot back as she gave me a quick hug and led me back to the dining room.

Two hours later, I was sitting with my feet propped up eating yet another piece of cake as Alice and Emmett hauled the load of presents to the car. Not only did I get to have a kick ass shower but Alice had won at paintball. And she had conned Edward into a day of servitude. Could life get any better? Maybe this being a woman thing wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Come on, hot stuff, let's get you home." Alice said as she pulled me to my feet. "You and I have a big day tomorrow."

"Really? What's up? I mean I know you have to go to work. But Reagan is in school so I just figured I could take it easy tomorrow."

"Sure you did, sweetie." Oh shit! There comes the look again. The 'I am fixing to fuck up your life' look.

"But you see, tomorrow is a teacher in-service day, so there is no school. And I had already told Rose that I, or I guess I should say, you, would be glad to watch the kids while they worked. I am sure you will find plenty to keep you occupied with Reagan, Hope and Faith all at the house tomorrow."

"But babe," I whined. "I'm pregnant. Can't Bella…"

"No Bella can't. She has to get things ready for Anthony's birthday party. So suck it up and act like a man…or I guess a woman would be more precise."

Well shit, maybe it will be so bad after all.

AN2: Yes. We're evil to Jasper. It's more fun that way.

Thankies to our MASTERbeta, fiberkitty! Love ya, babe!