Episode 2: Son of Hero Guy
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ADULT HUMOR! YAY!
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"Hey, Soren."
Night had fallen, and the crickets began to chirp wildly. Shortly after Ilyana had left his office, Doctor Soren had called her back into his room and requested she bring him a pack of Vulnerary from the market. Conveniently, the doctor had killed some guy in the streets a few days back, so he had a dead guy to write a bullshit prescription for.
Ilyana's payment for her services, of course, was a rack of lamb. She left that room so fast…
Soren looked up from his desk, where he pretended to play the flute with his big wooden walking stick. Then he picked up his cane and twirled that around. A man's voice had spoken from behind the door and Soren ignored it as long as he could until the guy at the door started a'knockin'.
"Oh, nurse!" Soren yelled. There was a chorus of footsteps, the male voice said "ow!" and a thin red-haired woman in a nurse's outfit burst through the door.
"Yes, doctor?" she said, giggling. "Tee hee."
"Figure out who it is at the door."
"Tee hee. All righty. I think it's someone named Gregory," the nurse said, and went to the door. "Who is it?"
There was an awkward, forced silence, and then a voice shot through the door. "Soren, you know it's me."
Soren rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's Ike," he muttered. "Let him in."
The nurse opened the door and Ike clomped into the room.
"Doctor Kierkegaard will see you now, tee hee," the nurse said.
"I told you, Anna, it's 'Doctor Soren'! Get the form of address right!"
The red-headed nurse winked and did a pirouette. "Anything you say, cutie," she said (Soren cringed), and filtered out through the door, humming a seaman's shanty off-tune.
When he was certain he and the doctor were alone, Ike removed his pants.
"Ike, what the flonk are you doing?" Soren exclaimed.
"I went fighting in the arena and I wore my battle pants," Ike explained after Soren exclaimed. "You know, the one with the metal butt-plates?"
"Who wears armor with butt-plates?"
Ike shrugged. "I dunno, I'm sure there's someone out there who would. Probably the same kind of person who would say 'I'm gonna go save Agrias! Geronimo!'"
"What?"
"What?"
"Anyway," Soren said, clearing his throat. "So, uh, why are you here, Ike?"
Ike thought for a moment and said, "I got a problem." He threw his pants aside.
"Holy crap, Ike, there's blood all over your pants!" Soren said as he noticed bloodstains all over the front of Ike's battle pants.
"You just noticed that?"
"Well, I was trying not to look, but—you know what, it's not my problem. Forget it."
"Okay," Ike said, shrugging. "I'm going to sit down. That okay?"
"Uh, sure," Soren said. By the way, are those velvet purple pants you're wearing?"
Ike looked down at his velvet purple pants and stood there in silence as the chorus of crickets and cicadas chirped curiously and quickly.
"I do believe these are velvet purple pants I'm wearing, Soren. Elincia gave them to me."
"Okay, I'll humor you," Soren said sarcastically. He sat down at his desk and motioned for Ike to sit in the chair across from him. "Why are you wearing velvet purple pants?"
"Apparently Elincia thinks I'm a prince."
Soren rolled his eyes. "Well that was a waste of a perfectly good five seconds. Was there any particular reason you came into my office, or did you just want to make a House call? Ha ha." Soren laughed and tapped his cane on the cold stone floor in time with the night insects.
"You don't seem to be in a very good mood today, Soren."
"I'm old and I'm cranky," Soren said. "Next time someone tries to arrest me for that, I'm going to tell them to f-f-f-f-f-f-flink off."
Soren yawned and tapped on his desk. It was always something. Someone always had a complaint. Usually Ike, who spent his time getting the shit kicked out of him in the arena. He wasn't going to admit it to anyone, but not being at war bored Soren out of his gourd, and seeing one bone-headed muscle-nut covered in blood every day like clockwork wasn't exactly a perfect substitute.
"Actually, there is something I wanted to discuss with you," Ike said. "It's pretty important. You have a minute?"
"Uh, s-sure," Doctor Soren said, sitting forward. His heart jump-roped. "What's up? I'm there for you, Ike."
"First, though, I wanted to ask: Since when did you have a nurse on staff, Soren?"
"Absolutely, Ike. Anything. I'd do anything for you," Soren said. "Wait, what did you say?"
"Um, I asked why you had a nurse on staff."
"Oh. OH! Oh," Soren said, sitting back. "Right. Well, uh, I figured it was getting annoying having people coming to my door unannounced, so I needed a bouncer. A big bouncer. That's why I got Anna."
"But why a nurse?" Ike asked.
"Because she's hot!"
Ike thought for a moment, then nodded. "Can't argue that."
"I mean, nursey nursey," Soren said, raising his eyebrows. "Huh? I'm sure you'd love to get a thorough checkup from her, huh? Huh? I'm sure she'd like to suspend your game any day of the week, huh? Hmmmmm?"
"Sounds like a dream come true, my friend."
"It was either Anna or some big sailor guy named Jake." Soren scoffed and flipped his hair. "It wasn't even a choice, right? I mean, come on. It, ah, wasn't even a decision for me! Who wouldn't want a cheap red-headed slut in charge of their primary medical care?"
"Soren, don't talk about yo momma like that."
"Ohhhhhhh snap!" Soren said, smacking his knee. "No you did not."
"I so did," Ike said with an alarmingly straight face. "Anyway, the nurse logic sounds logical enough," Ike said, sharpening his sword. "Actually, that has something to do with what I wanted to ask you."
"Is it now? Do tell." Soren leaned forward in mock interest.
"I think I have a problem, and I'm starting to be concerned. Is it unusual that I've shown no interest in any romantic relationships whatsoever?"
"It's possible that would be considered 'refreshing' in this day and age. Melodrama is sooo last year." Soren said.
"Still, people are saying it's unusual for anyone to be completely devoid of romantic interest. Relationships are kinda boring. I'd rather smash some heads in and fight some lions than do something intimate."
"Admittedly, that is a bit unusual."
"I figured you might know what's wrong with me, since you have so much knowledge of arcane lore and the workings of the human body." Ike started pacing around the room.
The night had now completely fell, and the room was dark but for several torches on the wall and a small scented candle encased in sculpted glass sitting on Soren's desk. The doctor sat with his hands crossed under his chin, looking devilish in the dim light of his office.
"Um…to be honest, I can't see my whiteboard clearly, so I would have a little bit of trouble thinking this one through."
"Okay."
"The most likely answer is that you are an imperceptive idiot."
"Okay. Wait—"
"But give me a minute. I can think of a more specific diagnosis."
"It's all right, Soren, take your time."
"Uh…hmm…dammit." Soren hit his desk with his fist. "I guess I picked a bad day to quit using my brain. And smoking."
Ike sighed. He continued pacing around and accidentally walked into the far wall.
"Ow! Stupid darkness!"
"Ike, get back here."
Ike wandered back, rubbing his head. He sat down.
"All right, Ike. I think I know the problem."
"What is it?"
"You're just a bonehead, Ike."
"Okay…"
"And I'm afraid it's terminal."
"Okay."
"Gaw dammit, Ike, is that all you can say? I'm telling you that you are a steak-headed bone-brain and all you can say is 'Okay'?"
"…what?"
Soren sighed and swiveled in his chair. The torchlight flickered and the night insects chirped.
"Okay, Ike, I have an idea. So you say you have no interest in romantic relationships whatsoever?"
"Or so I'm told."
Soren rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. He motioned for Ike to sit down. "I, uh—have the perfect way to help you get accustomed to relationships, if you want."
Ike thought about it for a moment, and then he nodded. "Okay."
"It is, after all, all about the squishy," Soren said. "You want some of that squishy?"
Ike thought about it again. After a moment of apparent deep thought, Ike nodded and leaned forward. "I admit, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a handful of warm pink squishy."
"Good for you."
"So what do I do?"
"Well," Soren said, "I could medicate you. But that would be boring. And boring stuff sucks. So let's try some hands on therapy. Take off your sword."
Ike paused and looked around the room. One of the torches had gone out. "My sword?"
"You won't need it." Doctor Soren stood up and walked around to the other side of the desk. "Stand up."
Ike stood up and Soren stood in front of him, hands on his hips. "Now look into my eyes," Soren said.
"Okay…"
"What do you see?"
"Huh?"
"What do you see, Ike? What do you see?" Soren leaned closer. "Anything? Do you see anything?"
"Um…your eyes are all red."
Soren sighed.
"Oop, now you just rolled them!"
"Maybe I'll take a different tack," Soren said, thinking quickly. "What do you think of when you think of love, Ike?"
"Uh…well…"
"Yes?"
"Uh, companionship?" Ike said, shrugging. "I don't know, people kissing?"
"Yes…"
"Uh, maybe…I dunno."
Soren sighed and stood back. "Okay, this is harder than I thought it would be. No wait, actually, I did think it would be damn near impossible. I guess I am always right. Go figure. All right, here's what we're going to do."
The doctor grabbed both of Ike's hands. "Now," he said, "say 'I've never met anyone like you before.'"
"What will that accomplish?"
"It's a simulation, Ike. I'm trying to simulate the conditions of a powerful romantic relationship here. Aside from just giving you magic shrooms, I don't know what else is going to work. And to be honest, this is a hell of a lot easier and I won't have to bullshit the Board of Directors to get the goods."
"Okay, if you say so."
"So say it."
"I've never met anyone like you before."
"And what's my name?" Doctor Soren asked.
"Soren."
"Ike."
"Yes?"
"Now, now say 'I've never felt like this before in my life.'"
"I've never felt like this before in my life," Ike repeated.
"And, and 'I want to be with you forever'," Soren said, his mouth suddenly cotton dry.
"Uh, I want to be with you forever," Ike said monotonously. Soren moved closer.
"Ike."
"Yes?"
"Say 'I love you'. Say 'I love you'!"
"Erm, okay. Uh, I l—"
The door to the room burst open and Soren jumped nearly five feet in the air.
"You have a visitor, Doctor Kierkegaard!"
Doctor Soren put his hand to his chest and breathed deeply. Nurse Anna stood at the door, seemingly at full spirits despite it being nearly midnight. Behind her stood Ilyana with a small brown bag clutched tightly to her chest.
"A-Anna! You…"
"Hey, Soren, thanks," Ike said, smiling. He slapped Soren on the back heartily a few times until the doctor coughed and stumbled forward. "I think I got it now."
Ike walked across the room and took Anna's hands in his. She gasped coyly and smiled as he stared into her eyes.
"Anna, I've—I've never met anyone like you before. I've—"
"Take me, handsome!" Anna said suddenly, kissing him square on the lips, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him with her out the door into the hall. Ike flashed a thumbs-up with his right hand as he faded away and shut the door behind him.
Doctor Soren stood, his teeth gritted, staring at Ilyana, who stood near the door, swaying from side to side.
"Um, doctor? I brought your Vul—"
"Oh, shut up."