Episode 4: Viki!?!

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(Author's 'not-Death' Note: Viki is not mine…but if I had a choice I'd make her mine ifyaknowwhatImean wink wink nudge nudge)

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It was the next day in the afternoon, and Nurse Anna was back in Soren's "office," looking perkier than ever. Bounce, bounce. For some odd reason, she wore a lampshade on her head.

"Hellooo doctor!" said the nurse. "I feel so good! And tired! And sore."

"So how were your little sexual escapades?" Soren said absentmindedly as he peeled a banana. "Don't spare me any of the juicy details. After all, like the Kremlin, we have no secrets between us. Haha."

"Ooh, I certainly could, Doctor Kierkegaard. Tee hee," Anna said, suckling on her finger mischievously. "But that would be inappropriate for a PG-13 audience."

Soren sat up straight and shoved the banana into his mouth. After he had finished licking and chewing, he swallowed. Then he spoke. "First, don't call me 'Doctor Kierkegaard.' Second…Anna, you do realize that you're breaking the fourth wall, right?"

"Tee hee. Yes."

"Well, okay," Soren said, sitting back. "Just so you know."

"You're going to have to pay 19.95 if you want the X-rated version," Anna said, giggling. "Anna Gone Crazy. Tee hee. And if you call right now, we'll even throw in Anna Gone Crazy: Hot Catgirl Edition. These crazy catgirls will do anything to get on camera, and I mean anything. Tee hee. I know you'd like that, wouldn't you, doctor?"

Soren took a pretty pink peach from his desk, sniffed it, and threw it away. Then he was Hit With Symbolism. Then he said, "Uh…yeah, sure, I'd like that. Nothing like paying good cash to get something you can get perfectly free on the black market. There are plenty of people willing to share that kind of stuff when you jack into the back alley-net if you aren't afraid of catching sick. Wolves Like Taking it Ruff Ruff Ruff from Be-Hound is my personal favorite. People have a thing for the laguz, it seems. Of course, in real life, well….AWK-ward."

"I bet you like cats, too, don't you?"

"Sure. Meow. I love a good pussycat." Soren made sure to time the pause between syllables just right so people knew he was intentionally giving the censors the old what-for. Up the old you-know-where. "Pussycats are very skilled at snatching victory, ensuring continued success of a ginormous proportion."

"Tee hee. That was clever, that last one."

"Really? I impress me sometimes."

"You know, I could 'service' you now if you want. Right here on the floor." Anna licked her fingers and giggled. She crawled across the floor like a slutty red-headed cat, her back arched, advancing with every word. The lampshade on her head swung back and forth like a chandelier. "Or…I could teach you how to do a few things…step…by…step…until you understand them…"

"No, I'm good. I'm too busy fantasizing about other things."

"Ooh!" Anna said, jumping up and down while squee-ing madly. "Tell me all of your strange fantasies, Doctor Kierkegaard! Tee hee hee! You know I'd looooove to properly explain some of mine. In fact I do…if you purchase Anna Gone Crazy right now!"

"But tigers…well, what more can I say? It's a tiger-eat-tiger world out there."

"Every month, you'll be automatically signed up to get the latest hot releases of Anna Gone Crazy," Anna said, then added very quickly, "for the low low price of 39.95."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" said the red-headed slut, whistling. "Tee hee. Anyway, I had plenty of fun last night alone. Let's just say Ike was a little bit…mouthy to me. Ohhhhh…"

"Is that all you have to say?" Soren said, eating another banana. He was suddenly irritable.

"Tee hee. Yes. Tee hee."

"Then go get blown."

"Tee hee hee! With pleasure, doctor!" Anna said.

"Promise me you won't come back for the rest of the chapter!"

Anna took the lampshade off her head, blew Doctor Soren a kiss, then put the lampshade back on her head. She tried to leave the room but accidentally walked into a wall. After saying "Oops" and "Tee hee," she bounced out of the room.

Soren sighed and sat back. Sometimes he thought his great power of doctorly awesomeness was all just a curse. Sure, he got to help people, but usually they didn't even need helping in the first place. And nothing interesting ever happened. Everyone around him was an idiot, the Council of Medical People hated his guts, and even Nurse Anna's constant hypnotizing jiggling did not amuse him (although whenever she wore her hat with the big floppy carrot on it, he always entertained himself watching the carrot flop up and down.)

Aside from that, though, every day was boring as the shit, and Soren almost considered starting another war so he would have something fun to do. Even the novelty of slutty red-headed tutorial girls got old eventually. He wished something interesting would happen. As it turned out, our sheepless hero Soren realized he had to make his own fun. He pulled out a bag of potato chips from his desk and ripped it open.

"Just watch me, Ike," Soren said, laughing maniacally. He wanted to get back at Ike for some reason he did not totally understand. He felt power coursing through his veins. "I'll take a potato chip…AND EAT IT!" He crunched down on the potato chip and laughed maniacally again. Then he said "Ow."

"Ow!" he said. "My friggin' mouth got cut! Do not want! DO NOT WANT!"

Soren was about to look for something to soothe the pain in the roof of his mouth when he heard a faint noise that sounded oddly like…a sneeze!?! Then, with a "boink" and a "pop", a girl appeared in the middle of the room, clutching a staff and looking about as bewildered as Soren was.

"Who the hell are you?!?" Soren yelled at the girl.

"W-W-What? Uh oh. Where did I go now?"

The girl wore blue and white mage's robes and some sort of magical rune glowed on the back of her right hand. She had black hair, big shiny green eyes, and other stuff. She was hot in a clueless kinda way.

She looked around the room.

"And I was just about to sit down to eat, too!" the girl whined. "Wow, I must be really unlucky…"

"If I may kindly ask…WHO THE FLONK ARE YOU?!?" Soren yelled.

"Huh? Who, me? Oh, right. Uh, my name's Viki…by the way, where am I? Who are you?"

Soren narrowed his eyes. "Soren. Doctor Soren to you, peon. Now, explain to me how you just happened to appear out of thin air, would you kindly?"

"Spontaneous teleportation," the girl called Viki said, almost immediately after Soren's oddly-worded request, as though she had been compelled. She clutched onto her staff for dear life. "Uh…actually, I don't know why I'm here…or even where 'here' is. It happens a lot. Whenever I sneeze…but strangely enough, not when I blink…but that would be even more annoying. I'm just glad I don't have allergies."

"Right," Soren said. He sat down in his swivel chair and pulled a notebook from his desk, setting it on the table. Then he took out a red pen. "So, would you say that you are an evil spirit? A spirit of death, perhaps?"

"A what?"

Soren's eyes flashed. He grabbed the pen and randomly started stabbing his notebook. "DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

Viki just stared.

"Sorry, I always wanted to do that," Soren explained, putting the notebook away. "So…who did you say you were, again?"

"Um, I'm Viki. Say, you wouldn't happen to have a—"

"So, what's your problem, Viki?" Soren said, fiddling with his pen. "Whoopie cough? Jazzitis? Acute Shakespeare-speaking Syndrome? Or do you just need a condom? You know, because, I won't tell."

"A what?"

Soren facepalmed. "Never mind. Look, what do you need?"

"Well, as long as I'm…wherever I am, I might as well help you guys. Are you guys…fighting a battle or something?" Viki looked around.

"We're finished with our battle. It kinda sucks. Dead bodies make me smile."

"Oh. Jeez, this is so weird. Why can't I remember that one guy's name? Wait, did he have a name? Wait, didn't he have some stupid name? Like 'Fat Fry a Door' or something? Oh, jeez."

"Uh, by any chance, have you met a red-headed sl—girl named Anna? I get the feeling that you two would hit it off real well…you have to show more skin, though."

"Do I know who?"

"Actually, maybe you'd hit it off with Ilyana. Do you like eating? Oh, who knows? Who cares?"

"This kinda stinks. I don't have any of my other runes…I can use magic if someone gives me something to hit…oh, this is so weird! Stupid me! Stupid, stupid, stupid me! I always end up somewhere weird at the worst possible time! I don't even remember where I was tomorrow." Viki sighed and shook her head. She dropped to the ground on her backside and just started rocking in place.

Soren cocked one eye, and eyed one co—breast. Something the girl had said struck him as odd. "Don't you mean, 'where I was yesterday'?"

"Huhhh?" Viki said, looking up at him cluelessly. "What'd you just say?"

Soren facepalmed again. "Well, this is…very interesting. You see, this is the part where I gather up my merry band of rogues and confer with them about the diagnosis…except I don't have a merry band of rogues. In fact, I don't have anyone smart. Well, that is, unless we receive a visit from Tit—"

Just then, the door flew open and Titania flew in.

"Titania," the doctor said.

"Soren," Titania replied. "I need to speak with you."

Soren looked over at Viki and winked, jerking a thumb in Titania's general direction. "She likes me, you see. Can't keep her eyes off me, actually."

Titania cleared her throat. LOUDLY.

"Can't keep my eeeeeyes on you," Soren sang in falsetto, serenading Titania with his hands. "I want to touch you so much. At long last, the train has arrived; and I thank Bob I'm on time. You're just too hot to be false; can't keep my balls off youuu…"

"Doctor Soren! You are—"

"DAH DAH. DAH DAH. DAH DAH DA dadaDAda DAH DAH DAH. DAH DAH. Daaahhhhhhh…I WUB YOU BAY-AY-BE, and if it ain't all right I'll fu—"

"SOREN!" Titania bellowed, so loudly that Soren jumped out of his chair and Viki momentarily flickered in and out of existence in this dimension.

"Jeez, Titanny, could you say it any softer?" Soren whined, rubbing his ears. He smacked his cane on his desk angrily. "My Bob, you'd think I was at the clinic with all the whining goin' on here."

"I didn't ask you to sing a ballad."

"No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it."

"Soren," Titania said, in a tone that threatened to beat him senseless with a tuba if he said one more stupid thing.

"Whaaat?"

"You're being censured again."

"AGAIN?!?"

"A-gain."

Soren sighed. "That shit is unglued."

"Word," Viki said, nodding vigorously. She was at present sitting with crossed legs, holding her big staff, meditating or something like that. Soren tried to whack her with his cane but she was too far across the room.

"I can't cover for you forever, Soren," Titania said, shaking her head. "Sooner or later, it's going to be your ass, Mr. Postman."

"What the hell does that mean?" Soren said, throwing his arms up in the air. "Well, I just don't care."

"You should," Titania said reproachfully. "A good ass is hard to come by."

On the other side of the door, Soren could faintly hear Anna giggling.

"Okay, Titanny, I'll take care of it. But only if you take care of me." Soren winked and Titania groaned. She walked out of the room in a hurry, brushing by Anna, who was at the door, listening.

"So," Soren said once he and Viki were alone. "I think I have an idea what your problem is, Viki."

"Oh. What?"

Soren fumbled around in his desk and found a dictionary, three empty boxes of tissues, a stuffed moose head, a suspicious and a candle. "Oh, dammit, where is it?" Eventually Soren found what he was looking for: A strange metal helmet with a bunch of weird wires and gizmos hooked up to it and inside sat a huge, purple crystal overflowing with all the energy of the cosmos. There was a small electronic display where a message was being displayed. The screen read: "I like fish."

"Now we're cookin'," Soren said, smiling.

"What's that?"

"This is the Temporal Temporal Lobe Tempura Temperer Tamperer," explained the doctor, holding up the helmet. "It stares through the folds of space/time to look at your temporal lobe, and it tampers with your ability to cook tempura, and it also tempers your enthusiasm."

Viki wriggled her nose.

"In other words, it's gonna cook your head like an egg."

Soren made to dump the helmet on Viki's head.

"W-Wait, don't, I'm a-a-a—!"

"What are you—"

"CHOO!"

Soren blinked and suddenly they were both in a forest.

"What the frick just happened?!? W-What the flonking frunk, frak it!" Soren exclaimed, looking at the trees and bushes and dirt, his mind thoroughly blown.

Viki sniffled. "Oh, nuts. Sorry about that. I tried to warn you! I had a tickle in my nose."

"A tickle?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't that, you know…interrupt your daily life?" Soren said, looking around for the helmet, which he had dropped in shock at being rudely yanked out of his happy place. He shook his head and looked for an end to the forest. "And where the hell are we?"

"No, it doesn't interrupt me much…since I don't sneeze very often. If I'm trying to teleport someone, though…well, it can get dicey pretty quickly. Oh, by the way, we're in the forest."

"Oh, no shit we're in a forest. I mean, WHAT forest? There are hundreds of forests in Crimea."

"Well, could be Jowston…or Falena…"

"Did we inadvertently teleport out of the country?" Soren paced, unusually tense. "Oh, this sucks. We gotta get back, or…oh, wait a minute, I know where this is!"

Soren dashed over to a large old oakbirchpine tree and rubbed the bark with his hand. "I remember! Back when I was, like, ten or something. This is the tree where I carved: "Soren (hearts) Ik—uh, Ikan'twaitto buy my first whore! Whores! Female whores." Soren laughed far too loud and when Viki looked at him strangely, he barked, "Shut up! I am most certainly NOT talking about someone to whom I was suspiciously close to in my childhood. Absolutely not true."

They walked for a while in silence until the woods ended and they could see Castle Crimea looming large in the distance.

"Um, Doctor Soren?" Viki asked hesitantly. "Just out of curiosity…since it seems like I'm going to be around for a while…d-do you want to see if we have any Unite attacks?"

Soren gave Viki a glare that could melt cheese. "Is that a veiled offer for…sexual misconduct?"

"A-Ah…wha—"

"WELL I'LL DO IT!" Soren yelled excitedly and ran towards the black-haired mage girl.

"Wh-what?"

"I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING SOME CHICK! IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE!" Soren yelled. "I AM INTO THAT SORT OF THING, OKAY? YOU HEAR ME, ZEUS? I'M NORMAL!!!"

Viki just blinked as Soren suckled on her toes for a few minutes.

"Um, don't you have to get back to your, uh…castle?" Viki asked.

There was a satisfying pop as Soren stopped suckling on her big toe. "Castle can wait. Me are will going to be a man today. I am going to do a girl! Maybe that'll stop those damn rumors. So lay down, sister, the Sorencoaster is loading up ready to fly down that hill!"

"Actually," said Viki, "I think I'm g—go—going to—to—snee—!"

"Oh shit."

Soren got up and RAN. He ran like the wind, he ran like he never ran before. He ran for the seasons, ran for the reasons, turned, turned (then turned again and turned again), ran with me, ran for the years, ran for the laughter, ran for the tears. He ran with me, just for today, never tomorrow to come and take him away.

It didn't help.

"AAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

When Soren came to next, he was back in his office, sitting in his swivel chair. He shook his head, looked around, and sighed. Strangely, Viki was nowhere to be found. He rustled around in his desk and took out the Temporal Temporal Lobe Tempura Temperer Tamperer. The display screen said: "When Viki sneezed, she teleported herself through space and teleported you backwards through time to this morning."

"Well, that explains it," Soren said, nodding. "Isn't it convenient how that so accurately summarized what just happened? Now THAT'S what I call efficient plot exposition." Soren put the helmet back in the desk. He could have sworn he heard it laughing at him. Then Anna burst through the door.

"Hellooo doctor!" said the nurse, the lampshade on her head swinging. "I feel so good! And tired! And sore."

"I thought I said don't come back for the rest of the chapter!" Soren teased.

"Tee hee…what? When was that? Tee hee."

"In the future."

"Oh. Tee hee." Anna skipped over to the doctor's desk. "I'm sure you want me to tell you about all my little sexual escapades, right? Tee hee."

"Tell me? Baby, I need to become a man! You gotta show me!" Soren leapt ten feet into the air and onto Anna, who giggled uncontrollably as they rolled around on the floor.

And thus the sexing was on.

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(Author's note: So, Suikoden fans should appreciate this chapter, for obvious reasons. :D )