A Vulcan, a Captain and a Doctor walk into a bar...
… The Anturian Improv Bar, one of the crummiest places they've ever been. Sure, the booze is cheap, but the jokes are stale and offensive -especially to the only Vulcan in the audience. But for Jim Kirk, the night isn't going to be a total loss. He's gonna learn a new word –two of them, in fact: Pon Farr. Life isn't gonna be the same in the Enterprise…
Note: McCoy's facts on Pon Farr are sadly inaccurate, but then, he's no trekkie. Well, neither am I, so my facts will probably be wrong, too.
"... So, the Anchovian Girl turns to the Orkan and says, 'that's not a fish, that's my baby!' Get it? Get it?"
The audience roared in approval; there were a few howls, cries and beeps too, and yes, even claps from the few humanoids in the audience. Only an Anchovian girl sitting on a front table failed to laugh with the others; she shook a menacing tentacle in the comedian's direction.
"You're a pig!"
The Orkan comedian, safe behind the protective glass mounted on the stage, merely grinned.
"Aw, it's all in good fun, babe! Hey, Fred," he called out at a waiter, "Give our friend here a drink! She's having a rough night. Actually, she's having a rough life: She's an Anchovian!"
More laughter greeted this last comment, and the indignant Anchovian decided she'd had enough. She rose, gathered her tentacles under her cloak, then glided to the door, pausing only when she noticed the humans sitting in the back. There was a Vulcan in black sitting there too but, striking though he was, it was the humans flanking him that caught her attention. She'd recognized their Federation uniforms.
"You!" she cried. "I hope you're happy! You freed Orkana, and for what? So those… those… PIGS made fun of us?"
Jim Kirk shrugged noncommittally.
"It was before my time, ma'am," he muttered.
"Hm!" She turned away and left, leaving a shiny trail on the floor.
McCoy, aware of glances being thrown in their direction, muttered under his breath, "I told you we should have left our uniforms in the hotel."
"Ah, shut up," Jim said. "It's thanks to that uniform that you've been drinking Saurian Brandies at half-price all night."
As if on cue, a four-armed, humanoid waitress arrived with a fresh bottle of Brandy and set it on the table. She winked at Jim.
"See, Bones?" Jim smiled, "The Anturian Improv does take care of us."
McCoy took a deep draught of brandy, then sighed. "This is the crummiest bar we've ever been," he muttered.
"Well, one thing's for certain," Jim said, following the girl with his eyes till she was lost in the crowd, "It offers the best entertainment in the city."
But McCoy was following his own train of thought.
"How come we never get to spend our shore leave in a nice place?" he asked aloud, "Why does the Federation keeps sending us to disease-infested hell-holes like this?"
Surprisingly, Spock ventured an opinion.
"I believe the Federation's intention is to make us more appreciative of the comforts offered by the Enterprise, Doctor."
For once, it was Bones who raised an eyebrow.
"That's very cynical of you, Spock," he said. He frowned. "But you might be right."
"I think their aim is to keep us occupied even during shore leave," Jim said, "No matter where we go, we always end up having to rescue someone, or having to solve a big moral problem or some military crisis. In six months in deep space, I have yet to have an entire day off."
"You could have, Captain," Spock said, "If you had come to the Monastery as I suggested."
"Thanks, but no, thanks, Spock. A Monastery up in the hills? I want to take a rest, not die of boredom." He glanced at his First Officer, "I was surprised that you decided to come with us, by the way."
"Dr. McCoy said there'd be a celebrated Thespian offering a rendition of Hamlet," Spock said. He threw a morose glance in McCoy's direction. "I should have known he was grossly exaggerating the truth."
"I didn't exaggerate anything, Spock," McCoy said gleefully, "I lied, plain and simple." He waved his glass in the Captain's direction. "Jim asked me to make sure you would come, so -" he let the word trail off.
Spock looked at Jim.
"Was my presence really necessary, Captain?"
"Yes, well," Jim stalled, "I just thought you might need a change of atmosphere, Spock. And this place isn't so bad. We don't get most of the jokes, but still…"
"I fail to see the humor in a racist joke, Captain. Anchovian off-spring could hardly be confused with fish, in the first place; and -"
A sudden fanfare interrupted Mr. Spock. A new comedian was about to appear, and Jim and McCoy perked up when they saw him step into the spotlight.
"It's a human," McCoy said, showing some interest. "At least we'll get the jokes now."
The man's material was stale, no doubt about it, but he wasn't that bad. Like McCoy said, at least now they could understand the jokes. But the audience was mostly non-human, and inevitably, the man had to make jokes about other species in the galaxy too.
He made fun of Andorians, Cattonics, and the ubiquitous Anchovians. And then...
"So, did you hear the one about the Vulcan husband?" He paused for effect, then he added, "He comes home after a seven-year absence, lifts his robe and says to his wife, 'Look, honey! The wait is over! Let's hop into bed!' And the wife says, 'Oh, that's all right, honey, the Orion plumber was here a year ago!'"
Jim glanced at Spock. The Vulcan was staring ahead impassively, just as he had while the others comedians delivered their material.
"But seriously, folks," the man continued. "You gotta give these guys credit: Vulcans are real crafty when it comes to pick-up lines. I mean, Pon Farr?"
Spock looked up sharply, and this didn't go unnoticed by Jim.
The comedian continued, "They come up to a girl and say, 'Honey, I've just gotta have sex! My seven years are up, and I'm miles away from Vulcan: if I don't have sex I'm gonna explode!' What's a girl to do? Am I right?'"
The audience practically roared with glee.
"Oh and, by the way," the man said. "They do explode. Seriously, folks, I've seen it, and it's nasty; there's green goo all over the place...! No wonder they're green -they're full of snot!"
More laughter.
"Excuse me," Spock said, pushing his chair back.
"Spock," Jim said, a warning implied. He rose too, just in case the First Officer was planning to barge on the stage and throttle the comedian. But Spock simply walked to the door.
"Oh, he's not coming back," McCoy said.
Jim hesitated. "Should we go after him?"
"Jim, that's the last thing he needs right now. He'll be ok," Bones said dismissively. "He was getting bored, anyway. Here," he said, pouring more brandy.
"What's Pon Farr, anyway?" Jim wondered as he sat.
"It's a Vulcan ritual," Bones said promptly.
"Really? I thought it had something to do with sex."
"It does." McCoy leant forward, "It's an initiation ritual. See, Jim, Vulcans don't just do things. They have rituals. Everything they do is structured, and charged with meaning."
"Is it?"
"Even brushing their teeth," McCoy said, then he chuckled at his own joke. He was getting pleasantly buzzed.
"How come you know so much about Vulcans?"
"Well, Jim, as Doctor of the Enterprise it's my obligation to learn everything I can about the -"
"Yeah, yeah," Jim cut in. "So, what's this Pon Farr all about? Spock seemed pissed about that."
"Oh. Well, you know how secretive Vulcans are. They refuse to discuss their personal biology with non-Vulcans. From what I now, it seems that at a certain point in their lives, Vulcans get the urge to mate, and they've got to go back home to do it."
Jim frowned. "You mean… Like turtles?"
"Hardly like turtles, Jim," McCoy objected. "These are Vulcans we're talking about." He paused. "But yeah," he said slowly, "Kinda like turtles, I guess."
"You mean a guy like Sarek goes through that too?"
"I don't think so," Bones said thoughtfully. "I think it's only single Vulcans that go through this; they go back to Vulcan to marry and make little Vulcans."
"And you say they feel the urge to do this?"
"Sure. They're virgins, Jim," McCoy said dryly, "How long do you think they can stand it?"
"Huh." Jim was silent for a moment, then, "Spock is single."
"Yes."
"You don't think Spock's a virgin, do you?"
"I..." McCoy paused, then abruptly looked down into his glass. "I don't think about it, Jim. Period."
"But it stands to reason, don't you think? If Spock's single, it means he's never gone through Pon Farr; and if he's never gone through Pon Farr..."
"So? What is it to you?"
"Nothing," Jim shrugged. "It's just hard to believe that he's never... You know. He's a good-looking guy, after all."
Bones frowned.
"Spock?"
"Yeah. You haven't noticed?"
Instead of replying, Bones picked his glass and sniffed at it.
"I think someone slipped something into my brandy," he said. "I've just heard you say something about Spock being a good-looking guy." He looked at Jim, and this time he noticed the gleam in the Captain's eyes, and the familiar smirk...
It wasn't that difficult to put two and two together.
"Oh, no," he said. "No, Jim. No."
"What, what?"
"You're thinking of seducing Spock, aren't you?"
"Well, why not?" Jim said. "You know I'm very open-minded when it comes to sex -"
"You'll bed anything that moves, you mean," McCoy muttered under his breath.
"- I've even dated Anchovians!"
"You have?" McCoy's eyes bulged.
"Of course not, Bones," Jim said patiently, "Anchovian girls eat their mates, remember? I'm just trying to make a point. Now, with Spock, I'd be open to the possibility -"
"But this is your First Officer you're talking about!"
"So?"
"And he's -"
"He's a virgin, Bones. There's a virgin in the Enterprise," he added, elated. "I never thought I'd ever meet one."
"I don't wanna talk about this," McCoy muttered uncomfortably.
"Oh, come on, you're a doctor, we can talk about these things."
"We can talk about them in Sickbay, Jim," he hissed, "Here, I'm just a guy trying to have a drink! Besides, this isn't just any Vulcan we're talking about -this is Spock, for God's sake!"
"So? Look, if you're worried about him, don't be. I'm not gonna damage him, or anything; I'm only gonna help him unwind a little."
"Jim, Vulcans only mate with their own kind!"
"He's only half-Vulcan."
"And they have to be in Vulcan in order to get in the mood!"
"Vulcan doesn't exist anymore," Jim replied. "That's got to work in my favor."
Bones took a deep breath. "Ok, Mr. Sensitive, listen: As a friend, I'm asking you -don't do this. You're bound to get hurt."
Jim rolled his eyes. "What, you think my heart's gonna get broken?"
"No, Jim; you don't have a heart -we both know that. I mean this literally. You're gonna get hurt."
"You think he's gonna kick my ass for making a pass at him? I don't think so. Spock's not gonna hurt me, no matter what. He had a chance, and all he did was stun me -"
" -so he could strangle you to death," Bones retorted. "Besides, that's not what I'm talking about." He leant forward, "From what I've heard of them, Vulcan males need to be on top, Jim. On top."
Jim considered this for a moment. "I can handle that," he said confidently, "I can top from the bottom."
Bones blinked. He was about to argue something, then gave up.
"It's your body, buddy," he said. He finished his brandy and put the glass down. "I'm off," he said. "I'm getting a call from Sandra at 1800 hours. I've got one full hour to sober up. I need -" He started patting his pockets.
"Sandra?" Jim said. "Dr. Sandra Baring? You're still talking to her?"
"Yep."
"It sounds serious."
"Yep."
"That's great, Bones," Jim said quietly.
Something in Jim's tone caught McCoy's attention. "You think so?"
"Sure," Jim said. "Seeing you in a monogamous relationship makes me realize all that I've been missing. I envy you, you know."
McCoy looked up with interest. "Really, Jim? You do?"
"Yes, I do," Jim said solemnly. He stared right back at McCoy... kept a straight face for as long as he could…
And then he burst out laughing.
Bones stared at him, then shook his head. "I should have known. Jerk." He rose from his seat, "One of these days, Jim," he muttered. "One of these days..."
Oh, yes. One of these days...
The End