CHAPTER 1: Little Red Riding Hood

"EVERYBODY!! Please be qui―"

"SHUT UP!!" screamed Renji, cutting Kira's polite line. It worked. Everyone turned their attention to Renji.

"Well, let's start then shall we?" said Hisagi.

"Get on with it, you guys are wasting our time!" shouted the unmistakeable Ikakku from the crowd.

"Oh yeah, well, us three racked our brains to come up with something to do this Christmas to please that goddamn Yamamoto! You outta thank us for coming up with an idea, instead of chiding us like that!" yelled back Renji in reply. "Hisagi, you start."

"Right then." Hisagi cleared this throat and took hold of a microphone. "For this coming Christmas, Yamamoto has forced…I mean asked us, students and teachers to do something to celebrate this special day. So, we decided that we should do a play day―"

"What kind of lame idea is that? You decided? Don't we get a say in this. I don't want to act!" shouted Ikkaku, again the one who always voices their thoughts.

"Well, I can't come up with a better idea, and frankly, I don't give a damn for this Christmas, so let's just do this shall we? Any objections?" asked Hisagi. Quite a few hands went up, but it was less than half.

"We win. Too bad…anyways, we have control don't we? We're the only prefects of the school," stated Kira.

"True. Now, hands up for ideas on which play we should do!" called out Renji. Matsumoto's hand shot up.

"Midsummer's Night Dream!" she yelled out.

"NO SHAKESPEARE. Number one, it's complicated. Number two, it's too long. Number 3, Shakespeare sucks. Next suggestion!" said Renji, yelling into the mic.

Small chatter amongst the crowd erupted. Either people were actually contemplating which play to do, or they lost interest and were talking about their own things.

"Oh, me! I got one!" shouted Kiyone.

"You better make it good!" said Renji.

"Little Red Riding Hood! I've always liked that story!" chirped Kiyone.

"Hey, good idea!" commented Hisagi.

"It's not too long…and we're all familiar with the story and plot…" said Kira. Renji nodded, he too agreed with the idea.

"Ok, character choice! Who will be Little Red Riding Hood?" asked Renji.

"You, coz you have red hair!" yelled out Ikkaku.

"Shuddup you bastard. I am not going to be the Little Red Riding bitch! Any better choices?"

"Pick me, pick me!" yelled Matsumoto as she jumped up from her seat.

"It's Little Red Riding Hood, you're hardly little. Sit down," replied Renji. Calmly and quietly, a boy raised his hand.

"Hitsugaya? What's your suggestion?" asked Kira, spotting the little guy's raised arm. Unless of course, Hitsugaya wanted to be Little Red Riding Hood…but that seemed unlikely.

"Hinamori Momo," said Hitsugaya.

"Momo?" Kira searched the crowd for his good friend. She was seated next to Sosuke Aizen. "So Momo, what do you think?"

"Ah…I'm not sure if I could take on such a role…" muttered Hinamori.

"It'll be fine, there's always a first time for everything," said Aizen with a smile. His smile always made Hinamori feel safe, and so she accepted the role of LRRH. Renji wrote down her name next the LRRH slot in his exercise book. Underneath LRRH read 'Wolf'.

"Who's next?" asked Hisagi.

"The big bad wolf," replied Renji.

"Who shall be the wolf?" called out Hisagi.

"I vote Komamura Sajin!" shouted Renji. Oh, he had had this in mind since the start. "Any objections?"

Some people laughed. Who else but the fox/wolf/animal/beast thing to take the role of the big bad wolf?

"I'm a fox, not a freaking wolf!" hollered Komamura.

"Too bad, that spot was reserved for you ever since we decided on doing a play day. You'll make our plays so real! We don't have to hire an animal or make someone dress up in a wolf suit!" replied Renji, smirking.

Komamura growled angrily. "Tousen, say something! How can you let such unjust action just pass?"

"Sorry, I can't see, I don't know, I can't help you, I don't know, I can't see!" screamed Tousen. It was his favourite line to get him out of situations he didn't like. Komamura growled again. He couldn't help it. Renji had already written his name in the book.

"Next person is…the one tree cutter person who comes in to save Little Red Riding Hood!" declared Renji. The three prefects talked between themselves while the rest of the school chatted.

"Who should take this role?" asked Kira.

"Dunno…what about me?" asked Renji.

"No way, you're too gay. You're not good enough to save someone," replied Hisagi.

"Hey!" Renji punched the man in the arm.

"What about…Tousen?" asked Renji.

"He's blind, it would be weird for him to save a girl from a wolf. Besides, I don't think the role would suit him," said Kira. "What about…Toshirou?"

"Toshirou…?" Renji looked at the boy sideways. "But he's kinda short―"

Hisagi grinned. "And that would make it funny, wouldn't it?" The three nodded at each other and turned back to the school

"Hitsugaya Toshirou!" yelled Renji. "You are to be the tree cutter person. Have fun." Renji wrote his name down in his book.

"What? I haven't complied yet!" argued Hitsugaya. "I'm not going to charge into a home and save Little Red Riding Hood! What are you guys thinking?"

"No complaints. We're prefects, we own," explained Hisagi. "The next person is the grandmother right?"

"No one's old enough but Yama-ji!" shouted Shunsui. People laughed as they conjured up the image of Yamamoto dressed up as a woman.

The hall door suddenly opened. Yamamoto shuffled in with his staff, grandly (somehow, don't ask). "I have a candidate for that role." People gasped. The principal wasn't actually going to dress us as a female was he?

"Who would it be?" asked Ukitake.

"My mother."

X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X

"And our first play of the day will be, Little Red Riding Hood!" exclaimed Kiyone, talking straight into the microphone. They had decided that whoever suggested the idea for the play would be the narrator for that particular play. The students and teachers and parents and families and friends and randoms put their hands together to welcome the acting crew of Little Red Riding Hood to the stage.

Hinamori came onto the stage, dressed in red clothes, red hood and wearing a red wig.

"Hmm, I'll go visit my grandma today. Mummy said she was sick… What shall I bring granny?" asked Hinamori. She looked around the makeshift home on the stage and spotted a tray of cookies. "Ah! I'll just take these cookies mummy made for daddy to granny! I'm sure daddy won't mind, children should always treat their parents with lots of respect!"

Hinamori poured all the cookies into a basket and left the house to her grandma's place. The makeshift house got moved off the stage as Hinamori skipped down the road to her grandma's house. She passed through the outskirts of a forest and noticed a field of little white flowers.

"Ah, they are so pretty!" squealed Hinamori. She plucked a few without a second thought for nature. "They will look good in granny's vase!"

Unfortunately, she did not realise the wolf watching her in the shadows. The wolf ran ahead…to wait for her at her grandmother's house.

Upon slow walking in circles around the stage, she finally reached her grandma's house, which got wheeled in by the backstage helpers, Rikichi and Senbatarou. Hinamori walked into the house and set the flowers in a white vase.

"Ah, granny!" she greeted. You see, because this is what the play is like, Little Red Riding Hood is kind of pathetic, so she doesn't realise that her grandmother has been substituted by a wolf. "My, you have changed a lot! What big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with, my dear little granddaughter," growled the wolf grandma, Komamura.

"Ah I see. Oh, what a deep growly voice you have!" asked Hinamori. She set about laying out her cookies onto one of her grandmother's white china plates. "Have some cookies granny!"

Komamura stared at the cookies for a while. Cookies? What kind of wolf eats cookies? They ate meat…and human flesh tasted the best. "My growly voice is because of the phlegm in my throat."

"Aww, that's not good is it grandma?" Hinamori peered at Komamura's beady yellow eyes. "What big eyes you have!"

"What, big eyes? They're tiny compared to his face," said Tousen. Aizen looked quizzically at him.

"You can see…I mean, you know what his eyes look like? How?" asked Aizen. Tousen was silent for a moment.

"I just do."

"All the better to see you, my dear." Komamura awkwardly placed a tiny cookie into his jaw. After a moment's thought, he took a bunch and shoved them into his mouth, his sharp teeth grinding the delicate cookies to bits.

"I'm glad you like them. Oh, grandma! What a big nose you have!" Hinamori reached to touch the wolf's nose but was quickly batted away by the wolf's paw. The nose was a sensitive place, only he could touch it.

"All the better to smell your fragrant smell. I would appreciate it if you didn't touch my nose, dear one," said Komamura, grabbing more cookies and shoving them all into his mouth. They did taste pretty nice, but Komamura knew, the girl would taste better.

"And…and what big, sharp and shiny teeth you have!" exclaimed Hinamori like a little girl. Wait, she was a little girl!

"All the better to eat you with!" shouted Komamura excitedly. He had waited patiently for that line, and it was his cue to eat the girl. With a roar, he stretched his claws at the now screaming Hinamori.

"Grandma, I never knew you were a cannibal!" she screamed.

Can a girl really be that stupid? thought Komamura. Just as we was about to consume the girl's head, a dark figure appeared at the door.

"STOP. SHE DOESN'T LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" yelled the figure. It was Hitsugaya Toshirou, dressed in rough clothes, holding a chainsaw.

The crowd laughed at the sight of a short little white haired boy dressed in burly clothes, holding a chainsaw that was about his own size and height and was obviously too big for him.

"Does it look like I care if she likes it or not?" yelled back Komamura.

"You will stop, or I will chop your head off with this!" Hitsugaya let his chainsaw run and the chainsaw growled its horrible growl.

"Toshiro, save me!!" yelled Hinamori in a pathetic little voice. Hitsugaya raised the chainsaw to meet the beast's neck.

"Let go of her or you won't get out of this house," threatened Hitsugaya.

"Alright, alright," growled Komamura. What a shame, he didn't get to have his lunch. With a sigh, he let go of Hinamori. Hinamori ran to Hitsugaya and hid behind him.

"Toshirou, grandma turned into a cannibal!"

Hitsugaya looked at her weirdly. "Momo, that's a wolf. It's very different to you grandma." Hitsugaya then glared at the wolf. "Where did you hide her?"

"What? I beg your pardon?" asked Komamura. He knew what Hitsugaya was talking about.

"Her grandma."

"Oh her…I dunno, maybe I ate her?" said Komamura, licking his paw. He soon felt the whir of the chainsaw up near his neck. "Gahhhhhh!! She's in the cupboard!"

Hitsugaya moved towards the cupboard and loped off the top with his chainsaw. Inside was Hinamori's grandma. Hitsugaya helped the old woman out of her temporary and rather strange, cage.

"Tha-than-thank-tankyou, sir," thanked the old woman.

"Ouch, Yama-ji's mother can't even speak properly any more!" said Shunsui.

"Indeed…how old is his mother anyway? I've never heard about Yamamoto-sensei's mother until now!" wondered Ukitake. Two fingers tapped Shunsui and Ukitake each on the shoulder. The two had not known that Yamamoto was sitting right behind them.

"Don't talk about my mummy like that. She's the best mother in the world!" said Yamamoto. "Let me hear no more about her old age."

The two disciples of Yamamoto cringed. "Yes sensei…"

"What? I don't understand! Why is there a doppelganger of my granny inside the cupboard??!!"

"Oh my god Hinamori! That one in bed is a freaking wolf which pretended to be your grandma!" yelled Hitsugaya, obviously irritated at Hinamori's fake stupidity.

"Oh…I see the differences now!" said Hinamori in a shrill voice. Hitsugaya waved his deadly chainsaw about.

"Get out, wolf!" he screamed. "Or I'll carve you up."

The wolf got out of the bed and scuttled out the door.

"Oi! You're still wearing old granny's clothes!" shouted Hitsugaya.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Komamura instantly shed the clothes and now stood naked on the stage. But animals with fur never wore clothes anyway, so no one cared.

"Sajin's 'naked'. Looks like he's not very used to standing naked in front of everyone," commented Tousen. Aizen once again looked at him, amazed.

"How can you see all this?" asked Aizen once again, looking at Tousen's shielded eyes.

"I just can."

Komamura ran away back into the forest (well, the backstage really). I just stood naked in front of the whole school! thought Komamura, shamed by his own actions.

Back on stage, Hitsugaya turned his chainsaw off and watched Hinamori and her grandmother.

"Toshirou the tree cutter! I thank you very much for saving the two of us! How did you know we were in trouble? And how did you get here so fast?" Hinamori asked.

"I heard your scream come from this house," said Hitsugaya. "And to answer your second question…"

Hinamori looked at him in awe.

"I shunpo'd."

Hinamori gasped. "What's that?"

Hitsugaya waved the question away. "Never mind. What really matters is that you two are alright. I'll be going now, if everything's fine." Hitsugaya moved towards the door of the house.

"You know, Toshirou, I would gladly walk out and live happily ever after with you…if only you were taller…"

Hitsugaya glared at the girl. "My height is perfectly fine, bed wetter Momo." With that, he picked up his much-too-big-for-him chainsaw and left.

"And they all lived happily ever after by themselves, leading their own separate lives. The end!" chirped Kiyone happily, jumping off the chair she was given.

The Little Red Riding Hood acting crew filed out and bowed. Komamura's fabled tail was seen by the whole school. He felt really embarrassed and quickly scampered away when the actors could go back and change into their normal clothes.

The crowd cheered as they left.

"GO KOMAMURA SAJIN!" yelled Tousen.

"How unexpected…" muttered Aizen. "I can name another famous play off the top of my head which has a big bad wolf."

"Well, Komamura will have fun, won't he?" replied Tousen.

"And the next play will be Cinderella!" yelled Kiyone before running down the stage. "Ukitake-sensei, did I do a good job?"

"Of course you did Kiyone-san!" replied Ukitake. He was still a bit amazed as to how Yamamoto had spoken when talking about his very, very old and ancient mother.

"My mother did a better job," said Yamamoto.

Lol, that was weird…I hope you understood that the italiced paragraphs were the audience's comments and weren't part of the play. I'm sure you do.

Anyways, thanks for reading! I really appreciate it. And I would appreciate it even more if you gave me a review!