A/N: Dedicated to blacksand1!!!!!!

Hansa sat on the beach, a frown upon her face as Schrodinger continually bothered the Major about eating something that would fill his stomach. His fight…rather slaughter with Seras hadn't proven to be as fun as the cat boy had hoped. First, Alucard had feigned being the cat boy's ally and held him down while Seras continually stomped him into mush, only to have him return again and crying for Hansa to help. Right now however, he and Seras had made up and he was busy on begging the Major for money so that he could go eat. The Major held firm and simply ignored the boy's pleas, working on something with Dok instead.

Eventually, the werewolf was so fed up with the crap, that she ripped a few hundred dollars from the shadow tentacle Alucard had hung over her and grabbed Schrodinger by the back of his swimming trunks. The boy teleported them to Hansa's and Seras' room with a grin. The lycanthrope snapped at him. She set him down and unpacked her uniform.

"Schrodinger, go put on your clothes und ve'll go get somezing to eat, okay?" Schrodinger's eyes went wide and he immediately teleported away. Hansa changed with lightning speed and got her greatcoat buttoned up just before he returned, in casual clothes instead of his uniform. Hansa pulled a picture out of her bag, something that the Major had given her yesterday, and showed the boy. Schrodinger took her hand and immediately, they were in front of the building. Hansa grinned, for this was the home of the biggest burger in the world, the Sasquatch! Bigfoot Lodge…yummy food.

Hansa could barely contain her excitement and she literally dragged Schrodinger into the restaurant by his wrist. When the two entered, they were greeted by a waitress, who Schrodinger gawked at with wide eyes. She had brown hair and soulless gray eyes. She was pretty too, and she looked to be about sixteen to seventeen year old, nice figure. Hansa held Schrodinger up and the cat boy simply stared. The girl smiled gently and put her hands under her chin, looking back at Schrodinger.

"You're just a cutie. Would you like a table for you and your friend?" she asked, scratching behind the cat boy's ear. Schrodinger purred softly and the girl giggled as she took them to their table and set down two menus. Hansa had no need for hers. Schrodinger waited for a minute before he ordered. The waitress flipped open a notepad and smiled again.

"Okay, so what'll it be?" she asked. Hansa handed Schrodinger her menu.

"Von Sasquatch." The waitress furrowed her brow and eyed Hansa for a moment.

"C-could you repeat that please?" she stammered. Hansa folded her arms across her chest.

"Von Sasquatch. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in two days," Hansa said. The waitress scribbled the order down and turned to Schrodinger.

"And you?"

"A hamburger, medium vell, und three orders of French fries. Und…a coke?" The waitress scribbled down the boy's order and quickly ran back to the kitchen. Inside, there was heard a hearty laugh and a big man with a cook's apron came out of kitchen, scratching the side of his forehead with the blunt end of a butcher's cleaver. He looked at Hansa and then back to the waitress, saying something to her. The waitress pointed to Hansa and the lycanthrope nodded. The chef grinned widely and beamed proudly.

"We have another challenger! Table five has taken on the Sasquatch challenge!" Everyone turned their eyes to Hansa and a bewildered Schrodinger. The cat boy looked nervously up at Hansa, but she didn't even give him a second glance. She looked up at the ceiling and scratched behind her ear.

"I just hope zis doesn't take too long. I don't vant to vait," she murmured, stomach growling with tremendous noise. She let out a discontented sigh and waited. It wasn't long before an 'order up!' could be heard and the waitress carried out Hansa's lunch.

So big was the damned burger that she carried it with two hands. Hansa had recalled the hamburger being enormous, weighing in at a whopping seven and a half pounds, but hell, she didn't remember it looking like a fucking truck tire! The waitress brought out Schrodinger's lunch and stood in front of the booth, a grin on her face.

"Alright, rule is that you get an hour to eat this monster or you don't get your picture on the wall. So far…there've only been four people who have done it. Are you ready?"

"I…I need a cleaver," Hansa stated. After a few moments, the chef brought out a cleaver, freshly sharpened.

"Here you go. One cleaver. Good luck, and God bless you if you get half way through this thing. Bowel obstruction is sure to follow, it always does." And with that, Hansa chopped her meal into eight pieces and chopped the cleaver into the table. She grabbed a chopped part of the burger, which was slightly reminiscent of a nine-inch thick slice of pizza, and opened wide. This was a cake walk compared to some of the stuff she'd eaten back at the HQ!

Meanwhile, the Major was having a few issues to deal with, one being the fact that he couldn't get anywhere near Integra now that Alucard was sitting beside her, a toothy grin on his face because he knew that he was keeping the Major at bay. The old Nazi, bitter because this ancient enemy was fucking around casually with another man's love life, decided to turn the tables, so he had Dok come up with a more…potent formula than he had administered to Hans. And after he was done, the Major dipped a blow dart into the glowing blue concoction. He grinned slyly.

"Oh Alucard, look over zer! A little boy vit a silver cross!" the Major shouted. Alucard glanced over to the place where the Major had pointed and as soon as he did, the Nazi fired a blow dart at the vampire. It flew towards and struck Alucard in the neck. The vampire, thinking that this was simply a joke, removed the dart and continued reading his book. But no sooner had the dart hit the ground, the vampire's body began to light up and white steam billowed from his mouth.

Integra glanced at Alucard and glared.

"Quit it Alucard. That's annoying," she said. Alucard furrowed his brow.

"It's not my fault Master. Actually, I feel a bit ill," the vampire stated, shifting down into the sand and out of sight. The Major triumphantly sauntered over to Integra and plopped his pudgy form down upon the towel her pet had occupied only moments before. Integra growled.

"What do you want?" she asked, reaching for her silver blade. The Major shrugged.

"I simply vant to talk," he replied. Integra relaxed a bit, but still kept her hand on her blade.

"What about?" she asked harshly. The Major let his gaze wander.

"About a few things. Such as…ze fact zat my subordinate und yours seem to be getting a lot closer."

"How so?" Integra asked, fingers loosening on her blade.

"Vell, for von, Seras seems to be enjoying her vacation…even vitout her master," the Major replied. Integra shrugged.

"That may have something to do with the fact that YOU CHANGED YOUR WOLF INTO A GIRL!" Integra roared. The Major simply rolled his eyes. Integra ran her milky-tan fingers through her stark blonde, almost white hair. Her cold sapphire eyes seemed to glare at the world. The Majroe was simply attracted to her for the prowess she commanded, and the bloodshed she could create with one word, even a snap if she wanted to.

"Zat vas not my intention," the Major deadpanned. Integra let out a frustrated sigh and began massaging her temples.

"Damned headaches," she murmured. The Major stood up and stood behind her, one hand on her shoulder and one on the back of her neck. In response, Integra's blade pressed against the back of his neck.

"What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" she growled angrily. The Major pressed roughly on her neck and a few cracks could be heard. He pulled up on her shoulder. Another crack, and then he let go. Integra blinked in confusion, and then lowered her blade, her expression changing to one of confusion. She looked back at the short, pudgy major and the man arched an eyebrow.

"Ze reason you had headaches vas because three vertebrae ver misaligned by a few qvarters of a millimeter. I just realigned zem," the man explained, taking his place back beside the Hellsing. Integra looked confused.

"Alucard?" she asked. Suddenly, the Major's beach towel engulfed him and was lifted off of the ground. It was Alucard alright…just not the normal one. Sure, the vampire had his Girly-Card form, but that paled in comparison to this form in terms of feminism. This form was much like Hans' new one, only Alucard had black hair and red eyes. He looked boredly at his master.

"This seems to be my new default. I feel a bit ill. I'm going to go torture the valentine brothers now…and Enrico if he's still sulking in his room." Alucard tossed the beach towel aside and as he walked, sank further into the ground until he was gone completely. The Major escaped from the makeshift sack and found that Integra had a furious look in her eyes.

"Er…vhat is it?" he asked nervously. Integra drew her silver blade.

"Pervert! Trying to make your own harem are you?!" she yelled, slicking at him as he flipped backwards and began to run away. Unfortunately for him, Integra was hot on his heels.

"Dok, make a cure already! Ze prototype didn't vork! It vas just supposed to turn him into his girl form! You idiot!" the Major yelled as he ran. Dok grinned widely and shrugged.

"All in a day's vork. Please excuse me while I return to ze makeshift lab." Dok walked back to the hotel with a hearty laugh. They'd just turned Alucard into a girl! Unfortunately, the effect was only going to last a few hours, so the prototype wasn't a permanent thing. He sighed deeply, but couldn't help laughing again. Alucard was a woman…a woman! He'd have to catch this one on video. It was just too priceless.

Hansa chomped down on the last little bit of the almighty Sasquatch Burger and a loud applause rang out through the whole restaurant, many congratulating shouts as well for her feat of the impossibly large burger's demise. She'd finished it in about twenty minutes, but without any sort of problems like everyone else who had attempted it. She looked at her waitress, Uruya, whose jaw had dropped already. The chef who had cooked the thing for her stood by as well, amazed. Hansa heaved a pleased sigh and grabbed her greatcoat off the back of the booth, getting ready to leave. Uruya was busy getting the camera and the shirt that Hansa got for finishing the plate of food that was scarier than some horror movies.

"Wait! You have to get your picture and your shirt!" the waitress called out. Hansa stopped and waited while Schrodinger finished up with his third milkshake. Hansa waited and Uruya came back with the camera. The lycanthrope took her place against the wall, greatcoat over her shoulder. Uruya told her to smile, but Hansa could only bring herself to smirk. The camera flashed and a picture came out. Uruya wrote down the information and put a pin through it. She handed it to Hansa.

"Hn?"

"Put it up on the wall. It's your legacy here now," the waitress replied as she began to scratch behind Schrodinger's ears again. The cat boy instantly leaned his head against her and purred softly. Hansa walked over to the wall and pinned her picture up onto it, looking at the others who had accomplished the mammoth task. Hansa, on the other hand, was still hungry and probably going to eat somewhere else after this too. She turned back around and received another applause, to which she cracked a grin and shrugged. She walked over to Schrodinger and he hugged Uruya s tightly as he could.

"Kapitan! I think I'm in love! Uruya is nice, und she doesn't hit me or rip my throat out like you und Seras do!" Hansa scoffed.

"Sure, both of us do zat." She turned to the waitress, who was still scratching behind Schrodinger's ears.

"Oh my God, you're so cute. I just wanna grind you up and eat ya," she said in a playful tone. Schrodinger was immediately behind a table.

"Both of you are conspiring against me! I knew it!" he stated, pointing an accusing finger at the two. Hansa shook her head.

"Vhy are you not surprised by zese?" Hansa asked Uruya, pointing to her dog ears. The waitress smiled.

"I've seen a lot of weird things in my day."

"You must be at least forty to say 'my day' out in public," Hansa teased.

"I am not that old!" Uruya huffed back with her hands on her hips. Hansa smiled.

"Oh vell. It vas nice meting you. Dankeshon for ze food," Hansa said, giving Uruya the cash for the food. "Keep ze change," she said. Schrodinger made his way to her side and they walked out the door.

"Bye!" Uruya said. Schrodinger waved goodbye as he teleported Hansa and himself back to the beach.

When they got there, they found that both Jan and Luke were running away from a vampire woman with a big six-eyed dog and a shadow arm. Not only that, but there was Seras playing cards with Rip and Zorin, the Major tied up and serving as the support of the legless card table. Integra was laid out with Alucard's necromancy book over her face, silver blade in hand.

"Just like ve left zem," Hansa muttered. Schrodinger hugged Hansa's hip.

"I'm tired Hansa. Let's got to sleep somevhere varm." Hansa set a hand on his head.

"How about you just take a cat nap on ze beach." Hansa looked over at the Iscariots, who were idly lying about on their own beach towels. Enrico looked like he was in a bad mood, and Anderson was idly trying to cheer him up. Hansa plopped down next to the Archbishop and Schrodinger laid down with his head in her lap. Yumiko yawned and rolled over onto her back in the sun as Heinkel cleaned her gun. Anderson sighed.

"Nae how aboot we go and get ye somethin' ta eat? Eh?"

"Nothing around here suits my tastes, pig slop, bleh!" was the spoiled brat's reply. Anderson grit his teeth in frustration.

"Alright. I'm tryina help ye here, and I'm jus' barely fightin' off tae urge ta smack ye!"

"You wouldn't dare!" Enrico retorted.

Smack.

Hansa raised her hand and planted her palm across Enrico's face so hard that he was knocked on his back. Enrico sat back up, teary-eyed and dizzy. Hansa rested her hand on Schrodinger's head and petted it slowly, scratching behind his ears idly as he napped. Enrico's face turned entirely red, not from the slap, but from uncontrolled rage and anger.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he roared at the top of his lungs. Hansa growled at him with such a menacing tone that she almost scared herself. Anderson scooted away a few inches. Whatever thoughts Enrico had, they were gone as he balled up and cried for his mommy. Hansa smirked. Coward.

"Well put wolfy. Neat a get him ta eat somethin' around here," Anderson muttered as he flopped back on his beach towel. Hansa looked around her and sighed. Something was going to happen soon, she just knew it. Nothing ever stayed peaceful for these three organizations, and now that they were all in the same place, something unexpected was well overdue. And so…

"Mignonette! It must be fate that we should meet up here! Is it not?"