A/N: Hey! I got two updates in one night! Didn't expect that, did ya?
After a long rest and a mountain of food in the lobby, Hans was Hans again. His stomach growled fiercely as he fried up bacon on the stove of his and Seras' room. Since nothing of his had fit here, Schrodinger had brought him one of his greatcoats, a pair of combat pants, boots, socks, and his hat. Of course, still used to being a girl, he was only wearing the bare minimum when he wasn't outside. Seras was behind him, cooking up a Hans-worthy breakfast of five omelets, eighteen pancakes, and one can of cat nip for Schrodinger. Hans grinned.
It was good to have his body back. He flexed his arms for the hundredth time to see if they were truly back to normal. The hand of the skillet shrieked in protest and he bent it back into place. Yeah, he was back to normal. His bacon was soon finished and he slid everything onto a nearby empty plate. He turned around and set the plate down next to Seras. She piled on four omelets and three pancakes. Hans grabbed a bottle of syrup and drowned everything in the sweet stuff. He grabbed a fork and knife, waiting for Seras to set her things down and for Schrodinger to teleport into the room for his own snack.
Everything was ready and Hans tore into his food like a starved beast. Even though he had eaten this morning, he was still hungry as hell. It had only been three hours since his meager breakfast of twenty muffins and three bagels with cream cheese! No way that was going to hold him over until tonight! Seras giggled as an enormous lump formed in Hans' throat from the food he had shoveled in without chewing.
"Be careful Hans, you'll choke yourself if you're not careful," she teased, munching on her own omelet. Hans winked and grabbed an omelet with his bare hand. He opened his mouth and shoved the yellow, bacon-cheese-onion-and-sausage-filled thing into his mouth, swallowing it without chewing or even biting down. Schrodinger smirked.
"Been practicing that deep throat stuff, huh Kapitan?"
"…" Hans rammed his fork into the catboy's forehead and pulled another one out of the drawer across the countertop. Schrodinger blinked in confusion and then reached up tentatively to feel what had happened. He gave Hans a sour look when he realized what it was that had been rammed into his head while covered in syrup.
"Oh, real funny Kapitan. Zo funny I forgot how to do math!" he yelled. Hans flicked the fork and Schrodinger's eyes went blank. He fell back out of his chair and hit the floor, out cold. Hans chuckled silently and continued with what was left of his food. Seras was silent the rest of the meal, and only moved away from her food when she needed more blood packets to smother it with, and to see if Schrodinger was actually dead or not. Hans licked his plate when he was done, and his face and hair were covered with syrup when he was done. Nothing that a quick minute with his ehad in the sink couldn't fix.
After a quick fix and a bit of cleaning, Hans removed the fork from Schrodinger's head and brought the boy to his feet. Schrodinger looked dazed and confused, almost as if it had done some real damage to him. But after a bit of shaking and more catnip, he was busy suggesting things for them to do on their glorious vacation. One of the suggestions caught Seras by surprise.
"The mall? Hmmm…that sounds like fun. How about it Hans? You need some clothes besides that big coat and uniform. Let's get everyone together and go," she said. Hans nodded and they gathered everyone up to go, which was a rather pressing challenge because everyone was fighting…again. And after a good long agreement not to destroy every last store in the mall, they were off via teleportation.
At the mall entrance, everyone checked the big map sign that held the layout of the enormous building and marked their routes. Alucard lurked on the floor as a black slipstream behind Integra as she went off to find some antique store with Anderson in tow. Enrico was off in a direction that nobody cared about. The Major was headed directly for the gun cage, and Dok to the book store with Schrodinger. Heinkel was with the Major, though for the reason of buying a new pistol for the one she had beaten Pip half to death with. Pip was out for the video store for obvious reasons.
Luke, Jan, and Yumei were off to the lingerie section, thought Jan was far behind, lurking just out of the crazed nun's reach. Alhambra disappeared, saying something about giving the poor boy at the magic store a hard time with his chameleon. (which eh had stolen from the zoo) Zorin and Rip went to the food court, where the Major was planning to be for most of the afternoon after talking guns and world domination with the gun store and Seras headed to the clothing section of the huge store.
Alucard followed his master silently, keeping pace easily as he slithered along the floor as a pencil-thin shadow. He could have followed her via normal walking, but what fun would that be? Anderson would be trying to stab him to death and his master would make him do all the work. Instead, Anderson could carry everything. And besides, what good would it be to have two large, intimidating men following a single woman? That would draw a little too much attention.
But with a look to Anderson and then the people around him, Alucard let out a silent sigh. Everyone was looking at his enormity, and his odd choice of clothing. He hadn't even cared to change out of his normal attire of priest vestments. He was getting a lot of odd looks. So much for drawing too much attention. Having the both of them walking beside Integra would just be awkward!
Further into the mall, Integra reached the antique store and began examining the items for sale. Alucard shifted into doggy-card and sat down next to Anderson, only two eyes open. The priest didn't seem to notice as he eyed a Celtic coat of arms, the words on it written Gaelic. He grinned widely and rubbed his poorly-shaven jaw. One of the store clerks walked over and frowned as he glanced at Alucard in Baskerville form.
"Sir, no pets allowed in the store. Please leave," the clerk said.
"Eh?" said Anderson, turning around to find Baskerville panting happily. The priest did not look amused.
"Please remove yourselves from this store. You'd have to pay for anything he breaks," the clerk snapped. Anderson narrowed his eyes.
"Y' mangy mutt. I'da never thought y'd do somethin' so underhanded. Integra, yer mutt's out of his cage again," Anderson said. Integra's head whipped around and she glared at Baskerville. Baskerville felt himself being pulled off the floor by the scruff of his neck and turned to see Anderson holding his large bulk with a single hand.
"Alucard, I swear to God, one more time," Integra threatened.
"You'll what?" Baskerville asked, baring a mouthful of long fangs and opening all six eyes at once. The store clerk screamed, the elderly customers screamed, Integra screamed with frustration, Anderson chuckled. Baskerville, knowing that there would be trouble, warped himself out of Anderson's grip and bolted out the door, skidding across the floor outside as his long black tongue lolled out. This was going to be fun! Terror had always been his best form of self-defense. And nothing said terror more than a six-eyed demon dog running around a crowded mall!
Meanwhile, Zorin and Rip were busy eating at the food court. Not much two vampire could eat, but there was still some good sushi and other raw food waiting for them. Zorin busily shoveled nearly three pounds of sushi into her mouth while Rip wolfed down a huge cheeseburger that had barely been cooked. Thank McDonald's for making vampire food on accident, thought the sharpshooter. Zorin tilted her head to the side and swalled everything in her mouth.
"Vhat do you zink real food tastes like?" she asked. Well this was a nice surprise! Zorin never had anything intelligent to say up until now.
'I don't know. Ze Kapitan enjoyed it, zo it must taste good, right?"
"Ha! Funny, zat volf could eat steel and like it if it were in a bowl," Zorin snorted.
"Zat's not fair to him. Don't be zo mean to ze Kapitan. He's saved your bacon plenty of times," Rip said, trying to defend the absent werewolf's name from Zorin. Again, Zorin snorted.
"He's also eaten my bacon too. He eats everyzing! He steals my food vhen I get up to get somezing. He goes for late-night snacks every day!"
"Schrodinger steals your food!" Rip corrected. Zorin ate more sushi and then sighed.
"Zis stuff costs a fortune," she muttered. Rip shrugged.
"You should have gotten a burger like me."
"Yeah, und get zunder zighs like you?" she barked. Rip flushed red with anger.
"I'm skinnier zan you Zorin! Und you look like a butch lesbian, who cares how fat you are?"
"Vell you look like a black-haired ginger kid!" Zorin hissed in return.
"You're both fucking stupid, get over yourselves," said a voice from the next table. Rip turned around and saw that it was a teenager about sixteen years of age. He was pale and his hair was black with two white streaks through it. He wore all back and had a chain hooked on his pants. This was the average American Emo kid. Rip frowned.
"You're emo, go cut yourself, freak," she growled. The teen shrugged.
"I'm planning on it tonight. Oh, and you should try it too. You really need to pretty up that ugly face of hers with some scars," he said, nodding to Zorin. The butch vampire lost it.
"VHAT DID YOU SAY?! GET OVER HERE UND SAY ZAT AGAIN!" she roared, picking up a table and throwing the round part away to leave four interconnected legs. The emo's eyes went wide. He almost flipped out of his chair and bolted away. Zorin gave chase, and swung the makeshift mace in her hand. But before the strike could hit, a huge black dog barreled into her and licked her face with a gigantic black tongue, leaving maggots and blood all over her. The dog began running again and Zorin wiped her face with one hand.
"Zorin…" Rip said, trying to wanr her friend about the danger of going berserk in a public area.
"DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!" (YOU WILL NEED A NURSE)
And with that, Zorin chased after Baskerville with an enraged look in her eyes. Rip could only hope that her friend wasn't going to get a baseball bat to the head or something else unfortunate. With a shrug, she returned to her food and grabbed a sushi roll from Zorin's plate. What did she care? Rip was hungry, and now she had twice as much food.
At the book store, Dok was reading up on his current physics formulas and theories for the Large Hadron Collider's recent success. There were a few dozen other science magazines and physics books opened to certain pages. Dok was taking notes with vigorous abandon, working his bony fingers to their limits as he flipped paged with a servo-arm from inside his coat, and wrote in two notebooks with both hands. Strangely enough though, a certain 'Governor Schwarzenegger ' came up in his notes a few times, and there was a discarded periodical about the governor lying nearby.
Elsewhere in the bookstore, Schrodinger was busy reading the second book in a Warhammer 40k series. Surprisingly enough, Schrodinger was able to read so fast that he had finished a two hundred and thirty page book in just under an hour, and was busy with another one. He hummed happily to himself as the lead Chaos Space Marine, names Luruk the Ripper, was busy slaying Dark Eldar and slaves alike with a chainaxe, trying to find the way out of a dark tower that was going to bring a warp gate to life after enough blood was spilled. Schrodinger found it all fascinating.
The first book had entailed the collection of certain items and skulls, like the skull and staff of Librarian Jeremiahs Reloc of the Blood Angels, a psyker who had succumbed to the Red Thirst and been locked in a tower in an attempt to have him healed, or at least brought back to sanity. Luruk had been sent via portal to the insane librarian's cell, slain him, and left with the skull and staff in hand. The second item had been located in the Eye of Terror, and Luruk had fought his way through a horde of Slaaneshi cult daemons to get it out of the hands of a greater daemon on a pleasure world.
Various other things had happened, and Schrodinger was entirely enveloped in his book. Luruk and his champions were fighting their way down a wide stairwell with Dark Eldar coming in from all around them, and warp beasts clambering up the stairs. Schrodinger heard a crash and looked up from his book, finding a large canine-like creature with spines and many eyes running at him. He screamed in terror and threw his book aside.
"NO! VARP BEAST, STAY AVAY!" He ran, and so did Dok when Baskerville rounded the corner of the book shelves and scattered all his books and magazines and various other things. Dok let out a small yawn and Zorin ran past him, a strange bludgeoning object in her hand. The mad scientist shrugged. It was time to get some sleep when he got back to the hotel.
In the dressing room of a clothing store Hans didn't know the name of, the werewolf was busy putting on various things Seras had picked out for him. There were a few shirts, some pants, shorts, muscle shirts, and a few pairs of swim trunks. Seras tapped on the door and Hans opened it. His eyes went wide when he saw Seras in a blue, flowery bikini that looked like it could come off her body at any moment. She smiled guiltily and a red flush came to her cheeks.
"I thought since I put you through all that…I would get something too. Does…does it look good?" she asked nervously. Hans nodded. Seras smiled and returned to the changing stall to get back into her casual clothes. Hans blinked in confusion. Has he really just seen that? Wow…curvy, he thought. Seras poked her head out of the stall and giggled.
"I didn't get to see much of you in that. Turn around," she said. Hans did so and immediately regretted it. Seras gasped.
"You have a tattoo!"
"…!" Hans turned around and slapped his hand over her mouth. He held a finger to his lips to signal silence. Just as Seras was mumbling something, Hans was literally thrown off his feet and slammed into the ground by a black mass of shadows and paws. He blinked in confusion as a big, six-eyed, mangy dog panted on top of him. It barked happily, and Hans furrowed his brow.
"It's me," Baskerville said after a moment. Hans gave him a look that said, 'I know' and grabbed Baskerville by the scruff of his neck. The dog shapeshifted out of Hans' fingers, but the werewolf roped his hand around Baskerville's neck and held him in the air. The dog barked again, and Zorin entered the dressing room, bent and twisted measure of metal in her hand. She looked like a Norse berserker.
"Give me ze damned dog," the snarled. Hans and Baskerville looked at each other. I'm not going to lie here. There is an unspoken, mutual bond between all canine and lupine animals. And there's no difference when they can turn into humans. So with that said, Hans threw Baskerville at Zorin and rushed the butch she-vamp. He shouldered her back and Baskerville finished the job with a bit of shapeshifting and raw power.
Everyone was now being either chased by Alucard, or by security, so they paid for everything bought, gathered up their strange collections of junk, and headed for Schrodinger. He promptly teleported them back to the hotel as security officers and small vehicles were heading their way. Luckily for everyone who got home, the catboy had thought ahead and gotten a bit of extra snackage for the vacationers. And by a bit of extra snackage, Schrodinger had taken the contents of half a candy store and brought it back to the hotel.
Later that day, the Major got a call from Governor Schwarzenegger demanding, in broken English and Schwarzenegger-ian, (yeah, that's a language) why California was blaming him for possibly harboring terrorists…