Chapter 4 – A Sort of Homecoming

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Sakura shut the door behind her and leaned against it. God, she felt foolish for getting her hopes up, but she pretty sure by the way he faltered that that was not what Kakashi had really wanted to say.

Kakashi, what is it? Why couldn't you tell me?

She hoped it wasn't that she had somehow given herself away and he was trying to let her down gently. Though she tried hard to be discreet, she sometimes felt like a broken cup when she was near him – unable to keep from spilling her guts. She bit her lower lip and lightly banged her head against the door a few times, wishing things had gone differently.

As Sakura lay in bed that night, she realized that Kakashi had seemed different from his usual self that evening – gentler, more vulnerable, and a little… moody? Or perhaps he was just distracted, which was understandable, considering the mission ahead of him. The truth was, and yes she hated herself for this, she hadn't given up all hope that Kakashi might secretly also have feelings for her. She recounted the events of the evening, and tried to find clues to how he truly felt about her, and tried to explain his unusual behavior with her hopeful theory. She focused on how he had stayed with her at Ichiraku's, how he had walked her home, his smiles…

Her heart fluttered when she remembered how he had told her he was proud of her. It was so genuine. Plus, not many people said things like that to her. Her parents weren't exactly thrilled about her being a ninja in the first place, and their attitudes had improved little since she had become a medic. Not to mention they weren't exactly the most expressive people in the world anyway. It felt nice to have his support.

In the end though, she knew her searching was in vain, that she was just imagining things. She had to give it up or else she'd have to deal with crushing disappointment again, like tonight.

She stayed up that night for what felt like hours, thinking about him and wishing he were next to her, before finally drifting off to sleep.

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As Kakashi walked home, he looked up at the sky where the first stars were starting to become visible. He hardly knew how to feel about his evening with Sakura. He had loved being near her, talking to her and making her smile. But he cursed himself for his momentary lapse of control and almost telling her. He didn't know exactly what it was about her but she just had a way of… disarming him.

Perhaps it was because she had looked so beautiful that night. Really, she looked beautiful all the time.

Approaching his apartment, Kakashi took his keys out of his pocket. He stood in front of the door and could barely find the will to open it. He knew what awaited him inside – nothing. Absolutely nothing. He sighed, unlocked the door, and went inside. This was always his least favorite part, coming home to his dark and sparse, yet still somehow cluttered, apartment. Even during the summer, it felt cold and unwelcoming. This was probably why he was constantly on missions. It was true that he was in high demand because of his skills, but he never complained of the workload because it gave him an excuse to be away from home, and it distracted him from the numbing emptiness.

Times like these, he felt utterly alone. He wished he had someone to talk to, about anything but especially about Sakura. He needed some advice, someone to use as a sounding board. He couldn't think of anybody alive who he could trust to not judge him or go blab to somebody else. Or he just wished he had Sakura to come home to.

He lied down on the couch and linked his fingers behind his head. Memories of the night flooded his mind. She had sensed the moodiness resulting from his inner conflicts and had tried her best to make him feel better. She was so caring and had always been very intuitive of feelings. He wondered what would have happened if he had continued what he wanted to say. Not that he even sure what it was that he had wanted to say. Was he going to tell her how he felt? Was he going to ask her how she felt? How would she have responded? He could picture a look of horror creeping onto her face.

He glanced at the clock before heading to the bathroom to take a shower. Kakashi closed his eyes and concentrated on the warm water beating down on his head. He loved how cathartic and calming it was.

Again, his mind roamed to Sakura. He imagined for a moment what it would be like if she were in there with him. What it would be like to kiss her and touch her… to put his lips on her neck, feel her wet skin pressed against his, hear her moan when he…

Pervert. She's practically a child. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the pleasant ache growing inside of him. Though it was certainly true that she possessed a maturity that belied her age, he had to remind himself that she was actually just barely legal.

When he finished, he got out, got dressed, and grabbed his things. He took a quick look around his apartment before turning off the lights and heading out the door. Walking into the night, the only reason he was sure he'd be back was because he had a promise to keep.

I'll see you then.

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