Family and Duty Chapter 6: Losses, a g. i. joe fanfic

Disclaimer - I do not own GI Joe. Hasbro, Devils Due, and whoever else holds copyright to it does. I am just borrowing them for fun and make no profit off this. I also do not own the song Monday Morning Church by Alan Jackson. I am borrowing it also and the lyrics. I am not using either with permission, and I ask that you please do not sue. Since Fanfiction dot net has made us pull all lyrics, please feel free to email me to get a copy of the story with lyrics or go to : Ficwad dot net.

Author's notes - I want to say a big thank you to Storm O for the beta work. Bless you for all your help. Without your dedication, I could never have done. Thank you so much. This has been in the works and on the hard drive many months, collecting dust. For all those that have supported me, I can never thank you enough.

WARNING - This has religion in it and of course some religious aspects. If this offends you, then I ask you to stop reading now. I am giving you a ten second warning.

By Medic (MedicLifeline)

Rating PG 13

Chapter 6 : Losses......

Edwin Steen stood at the graveside in his Army dress greens, cradling his young son in his arms and holding his daughter's small hand with his free hand. The sun was shining, and the sky was a beautiful blue with not a cloud in the sky. His wife had loved days like these. Tears ran down his cheeks as his father officiated the funeral service. His sister, Stephanie, had her arm wrapped around his waist; her husband stood beside her. Ron and Courtney Rudat stood next to him, as did the rest of the Joe team. They were all here for the funeral of the former GI Joe doctor, Carla Greer-Steen.

Ed watched as they folded the flag that had been draped across her casket. Her parents stood crying off to the side. Carla's cousin, Carl Greer, whom Ed had trained under years ago at Fort Sam Houston, kept squeezing Carla's mother's shoulder. Several Joes also mourned the passing of their former teammate. The previous Joe doctor had always been close to the team in the years of her service, even after the disbanding. After her and Ed had married, she had declined coming back to the Joes, but the team felt like she had never left. Several had said she was the best thing to happen to Ed, and Ed had always agreed.

As they finished folding the flag, Ed let go of their daughter's hand. He handed their son to Ron. Courtney reached down and picked Lisa up as the soldier walked forward and presented the flag to Ed. Courtney hugged the little girl closely, who kept asking, "Where is Momma, Aunt Courtney?" Courtney just held her a little tighter.

Ed slowly held out his hand. On cue, the soldier silently handed him the flag and saluted Ed. Taking a ragged breath, Ed clutched the flag to his chest as the teardrops fell on the flag. He watched as the ceremony ended. Moving forward as if in slow motion, he walked up to the white casket with pink roses painted on it. He had never thought it would end this way, much less this soon. Both had figured on living to an old age, unless COBRA got to him first. Reaching out to the casket, he ran one hand over it dazedly. "I love you, Carla," he whispered. He pulled a red rose from the flower arrangement that rested on top while the ribbon blew in the breeze. It read: Mother and Wife

Stephanie walked up and placed her hand on his shoulder as his father thanked the guests for coming, showing their support, and being here for his son.

"Come on, Ed. We need to go, now," she whispered, taking his arm gently and leading him away.

Ed reached out one last time to caress the casket before following his sister to the car. Ron and Courtney took the children to ride with them. Slowly, a line of cars left the cemetery.

Six months later

You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid

Ed unlocked the door, his keys making a familiar rattle as the lock unlatched. Walking into the empty home, he remembered a time when he lived here with his wife and children. Now, it was no longer a home but just a place where he and his children resided. He could still hear her laughter as he stood there for a moment.

Ron and Courtney had taken the children for the night. The Rudats, along with Uncle Carl, had been a great help to him since the death of his wife. Ron and Courtney were godparents to the children, but they had been more like family. The children considered them their aunt and uncle, and Ed thought of them as his other brother and sister not just teammates anymore.

The silence in the house was overwhelming. His boots echoed through the hall as he walked to the stairs. Ed no longer chose to remove his boots most of the time as he had when Carla was living. It had been her pet peeve, and she had numerously told him that he sounded like a herd of elephants when he tramped through the house in his Army boots. Besides, she had always kept a clean house, and the house law was to remove all footwear at the door. Holding onto the banister, he slowly climbed up the stairs. Reaching the top, he walked down the hall to the bedroom that they had once shared. As he started to unbutton his BDU shirt, he noticed her Bible, sitting on the nightstand by her side of the bed. Walking over and picking it up, Ed held it close to his heart before placing it in the drawer. Carla had left it out since she read it mostly in the evening before bed. He had never bothered before, but this day, he chose to place it away.

As he stood there, his grief overpowering him, he yelled, "Why!? Why did you take her from me?" He sat down on the bed and began to sob. He had not gone to church in quite a while. Lately, it seemed that the only time he spoke to God was to yell the same question: "Why?"

Removing his glasses and wiping his eyes, he stood up. Ed could not stay in the bedroom. For the first three months after her death, he slept on the couch. Later, he moved into the small guest bedroom down the hall, that way he could always be near and hear the children if they needed him. If they were staying with the Rudats or Carl, Ed, most of the time, fell asleep on the couch. The first night that he had tried to sleep in the bed, which he had shared with his wife, he found himself reaching out to feel her near him but only feeling the empty air around him and smelling her scent on her pillow. From that day on, he could not and would not sleep in the bed; the loneliness was too much for him. He only went into the bedroom to change clothes or get cleaned up, and then he closed the door behind him, locking the memories of the two of them away in the room.

The bedroom stayed exactly as she had left it. Her doctor's lab coat hung on the chair. Her jewelry box had one door open where she had chosen to wear a necklace that day. Her bottle of perfume sat on the large dresser that they had shared. The pictures on her nightstand, which she had cherished, had a fine layer of dust on them. The only place that was clean was where his fingerprints had been from picking them up and looking at them once in a while.

Turning around and leaving, he closed the door behind him and walked back down the hall to the stairs. After descending the steps, he went to the small piano that they had been given by Carla's parents a few years ago. They knew Carla had loved to play as a young girl. Taking a seat on the piano bench, he looked at the music. Sometimes, Carla played in church since they went to services in the chapel on base. She practiced often, and he could still hear her singing as she played. At times, he would stand in the doorway, just listening to her play. When she was done, he would clap his hands and tell her, "That was wonderful, Carla." He would reached his arms around her and hug her as he placed a soft kiss on her neck. Other times, he would sit on the bench with her and play the piano; she had started to teach him how to play.

Ed ran his fingers over the ivory keys, trying to play a few notes but to no success. They sounded off key. With a sweep of his hand, he flung the sheets of music to the floor, all of them scattering and fluttering down like leaves. Ed started to pull the lid closed but stopped himself, leaving it as she had left it.

You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church

As Ed sat at the piano, he realized his heart was empty. His children were what kept him going; otherwise, he would have lain down and died. Her loss left a hole in his heart that would never be filled. The day she died, he not only knew his heart broke, but he heard it and was quite sure all those around him heard the breaking of it, too. Ed had lost weight and looked more tired; his eyes carried a sadness in them at all times. Slowly getting up and passing the music sheets, which he had scattered on the floor, Ed walked to the kitchen. For the first time in his life, he walked to the cabinet where they kept the liquor for guests and special occasions. He had never been much of a drinking man because of his father.

Slowly opening the cabinet, he reached for the decanter of Scotch. Opening another cabinet, he reached for a glass. With the bottle in one hand and the glass in the other, he walked over and took a seat at the kitchen table as the last rays of sunlight streamed through the curtains, warming his back. There was a dried rose in a vase on the table. Ed had taken it the day of the funeral. He stared at the rose before he uncapped the decanter with shaking hands and poured a glass. Ed had never relied on alcohol; he had his faith and her for his strength. But in the past six months, he had lost both his wife and his faith.

Things just seemed to be getting worse for him. Unless the children were with him, he felt that he was in a house now and not a home. The children had grown more dependent on him and started to ask more questions about where their mother was. Taking a deep breath and trying to steady his shaking hand and his nerves, he took a drink. The liquid burned as it went down. As he sat there, he saw Carla's image. She had baked cookies and licked the spoon by the kitchen sink. "If you are good Ed, I will share," she had teased, holding the spoon out to him.

As Ed reached for the spoon, the image disappeared. He took another drink from the glass before recapping the decanter. As he sat at the kitchen table, he heard the doorbell and a knock on the door. Ed did not move to get up, figuring if he stayed where he was, whoever it was would eventually go away.

The chaplain's voice could be heard. "Sgt Steen. It is me. Chaplin Brown. Please let me in. I saw you were not in church again. We have missed you. Even if it does not feel like it right now, Son, the Lord still loves you."

There was quiet as Ed listened to what the preacher said but did not move to get up.

The preacher waited a few more minutes before continuing, "If you need anything, Sgt Steen, you know I am here for you. I hope to see you this week. God Bless."

Ed waited to make sure the chaplain was gone before standing up, putting the bottle away, and setting the glass in the sink.

The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground

He had been so strong before her passing. Now, his faith was shattered in everything, including his religion. He had not attended church on a regular basis since Carla's death. His heart was too destroyed and angry because she had been ripped from him. He questioned why he had not been taken instead of her. He was angry that he had been left behind. His father had called several times, trying to talk some sense into him and telling him that he understood since he had lost his wife. Ed knew that his father understood, but he did not want to hear it. His mother had died of cancer when he was ten, but his father had become a better man from her passing. Ed had just lost the will to live; his children were the only thing holding him here in this life. Had it not been for them, he would have chosen death rather than spend the rest of his life without his soul mate. He had been so alone over the years before they married, and now, Ed could have never imagined being without her. He did not want to be without her.

Walking into the family room, he pulled out one of the many family photo albums they had. The first one his hand reached for was of just Carla and him. The pictures had been taken before the birth of Lisa. He thumbed through the pages of the album. Some of the pictures of them were when they were on their honeymoon, walking the white sands of Pensacola Beach. Ed could still feel the sand tickle his toes, as they walked the beach and the waves splashed across their feet. He could almost smell the air from the Gulf. Flipping the page, he saw another set of pictures where she had buried him in sand, and she had taken the picture. The next photo was of her sitting next to him, a broad grin on her face and him still buried in the sands. Ed remembered they had asked another couple on the beach to take their picture.

Wiping away a tear, he flipped the next page. It was of them moving. She had to pack all her stuff to move to Fort Sam Houston, and Ed had gone to California to help her pack since they were married and going to be living at the Texas base where he was stationed. Ed had wrapped her in bubble tape, placing a "fragile" sticker on her. That was when he had found out she was pregnant. He could still hear her laughing hysterically as he wrapped her in the bubble tape. "Ed! I will get you for this!" she yelled to him as he stood there taking the picture.

"Just one more picture, Carla," he laughed. Carla had taken it upon herself to personally select her replacement at her Californian practice. After their honeymoon, she had returned to California while Ed went back to Fort Sam Houston. She needed to pack her apartment and office, oversee the transition of her patient's records, and answer any questions from the new doctor. Three weeks later, Ed arrived to help her finish packing. It was then that she told him the wonderful news. Their honeymoon was not only the beginning of their life as man and wife, but it was also the beginning of new life, conceived during their week in Pensacola.

Flipping the pages, he spotted another set of pictures after they had moved to Fort Sam Houston. Carla was starting to show her pregnancy, and Ed was holding her in his arms. The particular picture that Ed was looking at was one that Ron had taken as Courtney had made a face at them. The goofy grin on the Steen's faces could only be caused by one of Courtney's many comical expressions. In other pictures, Ed noticed that both couples were happy and holding their spouse in their arms.

Closing the book, he placed it on the coffee table. Wiping away some more tears, Ed often cried by himself not wanting the children to see him upset as it upset them

"Daddy why are you crying? Are you okay?" Lisa would ask, wrapping her tiny arms around his neck, seeing him cry when he thought he was alone. " Daddy, you will not leave me, will you?"

"No, Lisa, I will not leave you..." he would answer as his son would crawl onto his lap to sit there as Lisa clung to him. " I just have something in my eye, sweetheart." Ed would lie.

I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer

Standing up from the sofa, he knew there was no hope for him or his heart. Ed knew Carla had made it to heaven; she had to be there. If anyone had deserved to get in, it was her. He could not picture her not there. But without her, he was lost. The house held nothing but ghosts when he was alone.

Deciding to go change for the night, he began his climb up the stairs but tripped and fell to his knees. He tried to decide if it was the Scotch or if he was just not paying attention. Ed figured it could have been a little of both. Generally, Ed would change in the morning, since most of the time he would fall asleep on the couch in his uniform. But he had not done laundry in a few days, so tonight he had to change into a pair of sleep pants and a tee shirt in order to have a clean set in the morning. Reaching for the banister and pulling himself up, he stumbled his way up the steps to the hall and down to their room. Opening the door, he walked in. Reaching for a change of clothes, he stopped and walked to the dresser. He pulled out the Bible and held it.

He suddenly heard the words from the chaplain ringing in his ears, and he was overcome by a renewed strength. Swiftly turning around, he stumbled down the hall, trying to take the stairs by twos without falling again. He headed to the front door, flung it open, and ran out into the night air. Taking a deep breath, he ran down the street, heading for the chapel. Reaching the chapel, he breathlessly pounded on the door. "Pastor, open up! It is me. Ed. Edwin Steen. " Ed pleaded, but the doors were unyielding. "Please, Pastor."

No one answered the doors. Quickly turning around, he ran down the road to the gate of the cemetery. He ran passed many headstones in their neat rows until he finally found the one he wanted. He read the name on the stone, Carla Greer – Steen, beforehe collapsed on the ground in front of it. "I am here, Carla, honey," Ed sobbed. "I understand now what you need from me," he said, starting to open her Bible and reading a passage on strength. As he sat there in the still of the night with tears streaming down his face, he knew somehow he would make it. She would not want him to stay like this...........

You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer

Ed tossed and turned, waking his wife next to him. Sitting straight up in bed, wringing wet with sweat, and tears running down his cheeks, he had not known he had been crying in his sleep.

Carla sat up next to him, seeing the state her husband was in. She worried that he was dreaming of something he had encountered on his last deployment. Wrapping her arms around him, she whispered, "Ed, honey? What is it? Are you alright?" she asked, kissing his neck.

Ed sat there stunned. The dream had seemed so real to him, and the fear was still there in his eyes. Collecting his thoughts, he paused until his voice was finally able to answer. "Yes, Carla, I think I am okay. I just had a terrible nightmare. That is all," he said, pulling her into his arms tightly

"Ed, " she gently asked as his shaking subsided, "What was it about?"

"It was a nightmare I hope never comes true," he answered as she wiped the tears he had on his face away. He leaned over and kissed her. "I do not know what I would do if anything happened to you."

"Ed," she softly whispered, "you will never lose me."

"I hope not." Ed took a deep breath as they both lay back down. Pulling her close and taking in the scent of her as he held her, Ed fell back to sleep. The nightmare now only a memory.........