Two months had passed since they had been captured, two months of mental torture for Chuck. Not only did he have constant and downright frightening nightmares, he'd spent the last two months worrying about Casey.

Apparently the NSA thought it best not to let Chuck or Sarah know anything about Casey's condition, not even if he was dead or alive. General Beckman had told Chuck not to worry, no one was going to get close to the Intersect and Chuck had in turn told her that that wasn't the case; he just wanted to know about Casey, he didn't care about his own safety at this point.

All this mental stress had begun to take its toll on Chuck, wearing him down. Everyone around him had started to notice, the usually cheery nerd-herder had started to change, becoming more cut off, occasionally snapping at Morgan or even at Ellie.

Chuck felt himself getting detached from the world around him, all of his thoughts returning to Casey and what had happened. Could he have done something different to prevent Casey from getting hurt or at least not to that extent? Deep down he knew that wasn't true, but he was so dark and deep down that every thought he had was laced with black.

He never even questioned the fact that he felt something other than friendship towards Casey, instead he blamed himself for not pursuing it whilst Casey was still here… His depressed psyche wouldn't allow him to think about the happy times that could've been, the love they could've shared, he just wallowed in grief…

He'd never known that he had these feelings for Casey, these hopeless, unanswered feelings that consumed his mind, day and night, not leaving anything for the rest of the world.

Sarah saw the changes and was concerned about Chuck detaching himself and she tried her very best to try and get some news about Casey's condition, but to no avail. She was met with a wall of silence, pretty much the same wall she met when speaking, or at least trying, to speak with Chuck. He'd really closed in on himself, not speaking to anyone more than necessary. No more snappy comments or happy smiles when meeting people in his surroundings. A direct consequence to this was of course that Chuck had pretty much no interest in joining Sarah on stakeouts or whatever, just mechanically relaying the information the Intersect gave him.

Late one night, Sarah and Chuck were heading home after they had retrieved a missing memory stick packed with secret pentagon information. Chuck had stayed in the car, for the very first time, not caring enough to follow Sarah inside. He'd watched as Sarah had shot two of the men down, just right outside the car, and he didn't move a muscle. Sara had looked at him with confusion before jumping in to the driver's seat.

"Chuck, would you please just talk to me? I know you're not feeling well, but it's not healthy keeping all of it bottled up inside of you, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Sarah, I'm just not in the mood for therapy right now" Chuck looked out the window, hoping that their conversation would die out on its own.

"Chuck, I'm just trying to help, ok? How about we go your place and just talk, no strings attached. A nice quiet evening, you don't have to do anything."

Chuck sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"Sara, please just take me home, I wanna sleep, I'm exhausted."

"That's all you ever do Chuck! Sleep and mope around, what's wrong with you?! When I shot those guys tonight, you didn't even flinch and you used to get upset every time I or Casey had to take someone out, and now it's like you don't even care"

Chucked felt his heart skip a beat at the mentioning of Casey's name, hurt spreading itself through his body like a poison.

"Chuck!? Are you even listening to me? Chuck, you need to get over the fact that what has happened did happen, and you have to accept that Casey is not coming back! The sooner you realize that he's gone the better…"

Sarah's words hit him like a cold shower, making him shiver, sinking even further down in his own despair.

"…..maybe….." Chuck whispered.

"….maybe I'm becoming a "real" agent, all cold and heartless, I just don't care…" Chuck stared straight ahead as the road winded in front of the car.

"Chuck, please don't? There's no need for you to be cold, I'm taking care of you, just trust me ok?"

Chuck didn't have the strength to answer and they continued their journey in silence, Sarah looking at him every few seconds with concern in her eyes.

As Chuck was about to exit the car, he turned to face Sarah.

"Look…Sarah, could you help me do something, and please don't freak…."

"What is it Chuck?"

"…..I need to find a way of…facing all that has happened, process that he's not coming back……"

Chuck looked so sad it hurt Sarah's heart to watch.

"Of course, what do you want me to do?"

Chuck lowered his gaze, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, not able to meet Sarah's.

"…..could you let me in to Casey's apartment…..?"

"What?!"

"Please, Sarah, I need some sort of….I don't know….closure? Just for one night Sarah, that's all I need,….please?"

"I don't think that is a good idea Chuck, I think it's going to make you more depressed then you already are"

"……please Sarah, just trust me, ok?" Chuck was whispering, the words getting stuck on their way out.

How could she argue with the broken man in front of her….

"Ok, Chuck, but I think I should come with you, just in case."

"No, Sarah, please? I need to do this alone, just me, ok?"

Sarah looked at Chuck and eventually let out a small sigh and let herself out of the car.

"I´ll go turn of the alarms in Casey's apartment, then I'll come back, ok?"

Chucked nodded, grateful for her understanding. He sat in the car, unsure of what he was getting himself into, but somehow he needed to be as close to Casey as he could, not knowing if the real Casey was alive or not.

Sarah was back almost as soon as she'd left and she guided Chuck to the door.

"Look, Chuck, remember if there's anything I can help you with, call me. Anything, ok? Even if you just want to talk…. I'll call Ellie and tell her that were staying out tonight, no need to worry her."

"Thank you, Sarah…. I mean it, thanks for understanding, and for your help….."

"It's ok, Chuck. Just….take it easy, for me, ok?" Sara gave him a quick hug before she returned to the car and drove off.

Chuck took a long, deep breath before entering the apartment. The place was spotless and organized; although a few dust balls had begun to form in the corners.

He walked through the apartment, trying to find anything….well, Casey.

Eventually he stepped into the bedroom and walked aimlessly around until he found himself in front of Casey's closet. Clean shirts and a perfectly arranged tie rack greeted him and Chuck smiled to himself. Always the military…..

He reached in the closet and found a black sport jacket, which he knew Casey had worn when they were looking for Chuck's old professor from Stanford.

Chuck took the jacket, held it to his face and inhaled deeply. A deep, musky scent with a hint of spice worked their way into Chucks nostrils, making him teary eyed.

"…..Casey….please….why……?" He whispered to himself, tears brimming in his eyes.

Chuck put the jacket on, crawled into bed, "hugged" by the man that had utterly destroyed him. That's what he felt like, destroyed. Not being able to function normally, just a shell of his old person walking around, being that damned Intersect.

What's the point anyway? He'd found someone for whom he would sacrifice his own useless existence and now that person was dead…. He would never know if anything would have happened between them. Chuck felt all alone in the world and nothing his friend or family had done to try and cheer him up, had worked. He felt like his being had been torn apart, and the other half had been left with Casey. He was incomplete, never ever getting to feel peace or calm again.

What was his life worth? Everything if you asked the government, nothing if you asked Chuck… He let the dark thought overcome him, it wasn't a problem these days, they were always close to him, nudging to him feel as worse as he could. He shifted on the bed, got up and headed out into the living room. He sat down on the couch and started searching for something under the frame of the coffee table, and there! He'd found it…. A small control panel, to which he knew the code and suddenly the plain wooden surface turned into a small armory. Knifes, guns, gadgets and a lot of things he didn't recognize.

"Nothing fancy Chuck" he said to himself as he picked up one of the automatics he'd seen Casey use. He loaded the gun, almost in a trance, and released the safety.

He rose and returned to the bedroom, sitting down at the edge of the bed, still wrapped in Casey's jacket, gun in his right hand. He felt lightheaded and looked down at the gun resting on his thigh, it looked hypnotic and he picked it up, placing under his chin.

"…..no more……please….. let it go away….." Chuck sobbed quietly to himself, determination set in his mind. He'd be gone, letting people in his life go on, stop worrying about him and they wouldn't have to deal with him being depressed.

He put his finger on the trigger, slowly letting it give away from the pressure of his fingers. He heard the gun preparing itself to launch its deadly force and Chuck closed his eyes.