THIRTEEN

The next morning they were about ten minutes away from the hospital when Owen pulled his car into a parking space at a strip mall. She hadn't spoken during their morning coffee, and when he made her breakfast, she ate and kept quiet. She wanted to go straight to work and not back to her apartment for clothes, she had a odd bits of clothing stuck in her locker she claimed, and so they had set off earlier than they needed to.

He switched off the car engine undid his seat belt and shifting in his seat, turned to face Cristina, his blue eyes focussed on her beautiful, but serious face. "Do you want to reconsider is that it?" He said.

Cristina looked idly at the dash board. She opened her mouth to say something but changed her mind.

"We don't have to be engaged right now." Owen spoke for her. "It's just..." He took a breath. He didn't know what he wanted to say except; "If you don't want to marry me, I'll understand. I come with a lot of baggage that I thought was under control. Obviously it's not turning out that way. So if you want to reconsider this, I will agree with that. If that is what you want." Owen focused on her face, on her eyes. "And before you ask, this is not a panic attack, it's a reality check. Maybe there is just too much to deal with where I am concerned."

Cristina let her head flop back onto the head rest. "Good try Batman." Sure he had given her an out and she could take it. Let all this trouble, and nightmares, and trauma reverberation disappear. She sighed and again tried to find the words she needed. They were simple words really. They just required a lot of honesty, and once spoken would shift their relationship yet again, and Cristina was tired of shifting. Why couldn't they just love one another, work together, have sex together, go out together, spend their lives together. Another sigh left her mouth, but she still didn't say anything.

"Talk to me." He concentrated on her face. "Last night you showed up at the apartment. You arrived pissed off and angry at me. So let's just deal with it. I know you're upset because I wasn't there. But what else do you need to tell me Cristina? I won't move the car until you..."

"...Where were you?" She said cutting him off. "Where were you when I needed your support? I had a nightmare and you weren't there for me. I never left your side, not once." She gave him a sideways look. "What happened to you?"

He was going to say, 'I'm sorry.' But he didn't.

"I needed you." She stared briefly at him. "I need you. I hate that I do, but I do." The undersides of her eyes were dark with lack of sleep. Her fingertips massaged across her eyebrows and she sighed. "I am so angry with you."

"I know," he said.

"If you can't deal with looking at me when I need you, we won't be able to do this."

The sorrowful look in his blue eyes made her want to shake him. She clicked out of her seatbelt and turned her body to face him, her hands gesturing angrily. "You can't walk away from me Owen. You can't push me away and say you're busy. I know it's hard for you but..." She made it clear to him because she had decided, in her sleepless hours, she had decided. "...I don't want to do this with you if you cannot face me... when things happen."

"I froze." He admitted the disappointment on his face and in his body. He shook his head briefly as the memory of her thrashing about came back to him. "Every time I touched you... I was trying to wake you, but you fought me for your life."

Cristina swallowed and looked at her lap. Suddenly they were back to the beginning, when he was having sleepless nights and feeling tortured.

"The day I hurt you, was the worst in our lives..." His fists clenched and pressed to the steering wheel. "...I still don't forgive myself for that, and to see you reliving that night. Actually seeing what I did to you. I just froze. I thought, hoped, it was all behind us... So you're right I couldn't face you. Couldn't look at you." His swung a look at her. His face was serious, sorrowful. "I am sorry."

There was a long silence

"...It was my third nightmare." She breathed quietly. Those were the simple words she needed to tell him.

"What?"

"...The other night... was not my first nightmare..." She massaged her brows again with one hand, she didn't look at him.

Owen's mouth was open in surprise.

"Callie... knows... "

Owens jaw flexed. His eyes stared at her.

"...She's annoyed with me." Cristina continued. "...So busy pleasing Meredith and she's been suffering." She cast a frustrated look out of the window. This never ending, thing, was a never ending, thing.

"Why haven't you said anything before?" Owen demanded. "Do you know what I've been thinking about this!"

"I'm sorry."

"This isn't time for your sorry Cristina! Do you have any idea what I have been thinking?!" He stared at her.

"Yes..." She said quietly, looking at him. "Yes...I do know what you've been thinking."

She knew would have been torturing himself with thoughts and images and guilt. She knew that's what made him avoid her. But she was hurting, because instead of pulling together, once again he had separated himself from her. She cast her eyes idly out of the window. "I've been living with it, it hasn't been a real problem."

Owen was incredulous, and angry. "You've been lying to me and if it was your third nightmare. You're kidding yourself it's not a problem." His face knotted as millions of thoughts ran through his mind. He let the side windows down to give them both some air. Cristina was grateful and took a long breath in through her nose. "I'm going back to Wyatt. It will all be okay."

The sight of her thrashing around on her bed flashed in his mind, and to think she had the experience at other times on her own and had kept it from him.

"I didn't want you to worry about it." She admitted knowing what he was thinking.

His temperature came down a bit and he shook his head. "This is... " He started, but, he had to say those words. They were an integral part of their relationship weren't they? " I'm sorry..."

"Stop saying you're sorry!" She kicked her feet hard onto the dashboard and bent her legs at the knees. "I know you're sorry! It's not going to help things. I know you are sorry. I know... you are sorry..." Cristina's eyes clamped shut. She hated this. "It's not going to help if you keep saying you're sorry! I'm sorry. I'm sorry that... " She pressed her palm into her forehead and massaged it. "...If this was some guy in a bar, this would be easy. But..." The pain in her rose to the surface. "But you are not some guy in a bar are you?"

He shook his head.

"You're..." She sighed and covered her face. "You're my...fucking McOwen..."

His eyes softened.

"I hate this, it's exhausting."

"Do you want us to end this?" What else could he say? Being with him was making her life complicated. Again.

"This is not about breaking up Owen. " Her voice was steady, but frustrated. "We agreed to be together and so that's it. We are getting married at some point." Her eyes met his confidently. "You said you would not leave me like... like he did. Let's just do this. I'm having nightmares, that I don't remember... but seeing that look on your face that night..." She looked away and sighed. "...And Callie upset and scared... and Arizona... pitying me... I am going to see Dr Wyatt, again. I want to get through this. I want us to get through this.... you're dating Meredith for god sakes!" She wanted to kick at something, hurt something. "Sometimes I hate you for this, and I don't want that. I don't hate you, but I'm hating this..."

He understood. He understood the confusion. The emotion in her eyes explained her struggle and the depth of what she was feeling. Tears rolled down her cheeks in steady streams. Owens head flopped back on his head rest.

She really just wanted to curl up on his lap and have a good old fashioned cry, and have his hands sooth her back or her hair. "...And I'm angry..." She continued. "Very angry... at myself... Because... I want to do this... with you." Her emotional gasps went through him.

Owens hand reached out for hers and she took it, her grasp was tight, tighter than he anticipated. Across his car their hands sat lonely, but together. His thumb stroked her skin gently. They both struggled silently with the reality of their situation.

"This is our life together Owen and if you talk about breaking up again, I'll break up with you."

"That doesn't even make sense," He smiled towards her, his eyes soft, sorry, hopeful, in love.

Cristina shuffled over to lay her head on his shoulder; she placed her hand on his thigh. As a couple they had issues. And so their relationship was always going to be once forwards twice backwards, until it wasn't, and when that would be, who knew. Did it matter? If they were committed and together, it didn't. They would work through things, until they couldn't.

"I don't want to wait to get married." She said after a while.

That was all she said. He looked down at her expecting more. But that's all she said. He kissed the top of her head, and asked.

"When?"

"As soon as we can arrange it."

He pushed forward to look at her face. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Was all she said, looking up at him, tears still lingering on her cheeks. He smoothed at them with his thumb, before kissing her. Her tongue met his and they tenderly apologised with their lips, and celebrated with their touch, hands running lightly over each other.

Cristina pulled back first, staring into Owen's eyes, a serious look on her face. She needed a favour of him.

"Sure." Anything for her.

"Can you take Callie on a date?"

THE END